Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

Yeah, after a couple of nice clear days, the smoke is back here and the sky is all creepy yellow.

It's like looking at everything through a filter, eh?

 

[KimGordon67]

So picking up on this para from a prior post (about online dating in general): "I'm chatting with a lovely guy at the moment ... we've progressed to texting on the telephone, but he hasn't asked for pics or anything. And for various reasons, we can't meet in person until early February. I like that he's patient, and happy for us to just get to know each other as people a bit first. (I have ascertained that he's fairly vanilla, but also finished what I assume was a fairly long marriage a bit over a year ago. He seems to really like sex, and have a lot of time for doing it well, so fingers crossed he's just waiting for the right person to discover his domliness ... or alternatively we'll just have high-quality vanilla sex.)"

... I'm in a little bit of a quandry about this. It's mostly all comprised of 'what if's', the biggest one being 'what if I can't handle having just vanilla sex'. For the last five years I've had some sort of d/s relationship going on pretty consistently ... is it possible to go back to vanilla after that? (He is cool about the non-monogamy thing, so there's that.)

 

[aim2plz412]

So picking up on this para from a prior post (about online dating in general): "I'm chatting with a lovely guy at the moment ... we've progressed to texting on the telephone, but he hasn't asked for pics or anything. And for various reasons, we can't meet in person until early February. I like that he's patient, and happy for us to just get to know each other as people a bit first. (I have ascertained that he's fairly vanilla, but also finished what I assume was a fairly long marriage a bit over a year ago. He seems to really like sex, and have a lot of time for doing it well, so fingers crossed he's just waiting for the right person to discover his domliness ... or alternatively we'll just have high-quality vanilla sex.)"

... I'm in a little bit of a quandry about this. It's mostly all comprised of 'what if's', the biggest one being 'what if I can't handle having just vanilla sex'. For the last five years I've had some sort of d/s relationship going on pretty consistently ... is it possible to go back to vanilla after that? (He is cool about the non-monogamy thing, so there's that.)

Is it not worth the shot? Any dom worth his salt knows that empathy is key - communication. He’ll get the idea through your sighs, moans, gasps.

 

[AnnieLit]

So picking up on this para from a prior post (about online dating in general): "I'm chatting with a lovely guy at the moment ... we've progressed to texting on the telephone, but he hasn't asked for pics or anything. And for various reasons, we can't meet in person until early February. I like that he's patient, and happy for us to just get to know each other as people a bit first. (I have ascertained that he's fairly vanilla, but also finished what I assume was a fairly long marriage a bit over a year ago. He seems to really like sex, and have a lot of time for doing it well, so fingers crossed he's just waiting for the right person to discover his domliness ... or alternatively we'll just have high-quality vanilla sex.)"

... I'm in a little bit of a quandry about this. It's mostly all comprised of 'what if's', the biggest one being 'what if I can't handle having just vanilla sex'. For the last five years I've had some sort of d/s relationship going on pretty consistently ... is it possible to go back to vanilla after that? (He is cool about the non-monogamy thing, so there's that.)

I think if your other partner will be a Dom in any shape or form, then this one will have to be vanilla. I don't really see how there can be TWO doms at the same time as they tend to try to control your life not only in the bedroom. And having two people pulling you in different directions... It can get very messy very fast.

 

[KimGordon67]

Is it not worth the shot? Any dom worth his salt knows that empathy is key - communication. He’ll get the idea through your sighs, moans, gasps.

Yes, I think it is worth a shot ... I guess I'm just a little concerned that I'll be wasting his time. But I suppose that's always a risk.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think if your other partner will be a Dom in any shape or form, then this one will have to be vanilla. I don't really see how there can be TWO doms at the same time as they tend to try to control your life not only in the bedroom. And having two people pulling you in different directions... It can get very messy very fast.

Hmmm ... my d/s tendencies tend to be pretty limited to the bedroom. If some guy thinks that gives him licence to control any other aspect of my life, he has another think coming.

 

[AnnieLit]

Hmmm ... my d/s tendencies tend to be pretty limited to the bedroom. If some guy thinks that gives him licence to control any other aspect of my life, he has another think coming.

You are not looking for a live-in boyfriend, right? So whoever that is there will be some periods between when you two see each other and one way or another you will have to keep things alive during that time. I don't know, maybe i am much more submissive in general, but I like to get some small sexy tasks from time to time. Wear a plug for an hour on Tuesday, put on red underwear on Friday, take a picture of what you are wearing today. Something not really time consuming, but that will make me think about him a bit more.

 

[KimGordon67]

You are not looking for a live-in boyfriend, right? So whoever that is there will be some periods between when you two see each other and one way or another you will have to keep things alive during that time. I don't know, maybe i am much more submissive in general, but I like to get some small sexy tasks from time to time. Wear a plug for an hour on Tuesday, put on red underwear on Friday, take a picture of what you are wearing today. Something not really time consuming, but that will make me think about him a bit more.

That's not really something that works for me ... with the guys I've had in my life who've occupied the d side of the sexual relations, we've made a lot of jokes about them trying to tell me what to wear or what to do. My s inclination are solely sexual ... and really, for me the point of not having someone who's live-in is that I'm NOT thinking about them all the time. I desperately need some space ... I just like a bit of fun and some company sometimes as well.

 

[AnnieLit]

That's not really something that works for me ... with the guys I've had in my life who've occupied the d side of the sexual relations, we've made a lot of jokes about them trying to tell me what to wear or what to do. My s inclination are solely sexual ... and really, for me the point of not having someone who's live-in is that I'm NOT thinking about them all the time. I desperately need some space ... I just like a bit of fun and some company sometimes as well.

Interesting... I have absolutely no interest in domination outside of the bedroom, but for submission I need more than just playtime. Space sure, we all need it, just not too much space

 

[Fermina_Daza]

Hmmm ... my d/s tendencies tend to be pretty limited to the bedroom. If some guy thinks that gives him licence to control any other aspect of my life, he has another think coming.

My partner always says I’m the worst “S” type ever, but he laughs as he says it. We went to a very formal occasion in October with high protocol - S typed silent unless spoken to, try to anticipate and serve your D type. I talked the entire evening and while I did get him his drinks or prepare a plate of items I knew he would like, that’s about it for me.

He had major surgery in Dec. that was more complicated than anticipated. Any type of power exchange dynamic would have died and I think most “S” types would have withered under the pressure. I found myself in charge of A LOT. Just managing the individuals caring for him at home while I worked was a job in itself.

My point is, I realized that whole 24/7 thing doesn’t work for me either. And I’m glad. It’s going to be hard enough trying to just rekindle that D/s aspect in the bedroom since I think the last decision he got/had to make was what type of soup I would fix him for lunch.

 

[KimGordon67]

My partner always says I’m the worst “S” type ever, but he laughs as he says it. We went to a very formal occasion in October with high protocol - S typed silent unless spoken to, try to anticipate and serve your D type. I talked the entire evening and while I did get him his drinks or prepare a plate of items I knew he would like, that’s about it for me.

He had major surgery in Dec. that was more complicated than anticipated. Any type of power exchange dynamic would have died and I think most “S” types would have withered under the pressure. I found myself in charge of A LOT. Just managing the individuals caring for him at home while I worked was a job in itself.

My point is, I realized that whole 24/7 thing doesn’t work for me either. And I’m glad. It’s going to be hard enough trying to just rekindle that D/s aspect in the bedroom since I think the last decision he got/had to make was what type of soup I would fix him for lunch.

I don't even really call myself 'a submissive' ... I feel I'm more just someone who has submissive tendencies. And I like pain (like, I actually like the pain, not just the meaning behind whatever action caused it). In my relationships, outside the bedroom there isn't really a control aspect at all (although some people might say it's actually me who has the last word on things).

I hope he's feeling better soon, and that it's OK for you. I'm a crap nurse - I'm generally quite a 'looking after people' kind of person, unless they actually need looking after, when it all falls apart for some reason. My ex is almost the exact opposite - he was an amazing nurse after I had surgery. All the medical professionals commented on how quickly I healed, which I think was solely due to his management of my diet, rest, etc.

 

[Fermina_Daza]

I don't even really call myself 'a submissive' ... I feel I'm more just someone who has submissive tendencies. And I like pain (like, I actually like the pain, not just the meaning behind whatever action caused it). In my relationships, outside the bedroom there isn't really a control aspect at all (although some people might say it's actually me who has the last word on things).

I hope he's feeling better soon, and that it's OK for you. I'm a crap nurse - I'm generally quite a 'looking after people' kind of person, unless they actually need looking after, when it all falls apart for some reason. My ex is almost the exact opposite - he was an amazing nurse after I had surgery. All the medical professionals commented on how quickly I healed, which I think was solely due to his management of my diet, rest, etc.

Thank you. He had a mass the size of a football removed that encased his left adrenal gland, left kidney, colon, spleen and part of the pancreas so those all came out with the mass. Found out last week not cancerous so yay!

I call myself an “S” type because I feel it’s not truly committing to submissive or slave. I also enjoy pain and have missed that release the last two months. Stepping on a Lego doesn’t cut it - it’s like I need that intimacy created when you allow someone to cane you. But we will get back there again.

 

[KimGordon67]

Thank you. He had a mass the size of a football removed that encased his left adrenal gland, left kidney, colon, spleen and part of the pancreas so those all came out with the mass. Found out last week not cancerous so yay!

I call myself an “S” type because I feel it’s not truly committing to submissive or slave. I also enjoy pain and have missed that release the last two months. Stepping on a Lego doesn’t cut it - it’s like I need that intimacy created when you allow someone to cane you. But we will get back there again.

Yes, as noted above, I'm curious to see if I can have a sexual relationship with someone without that element ... it is a release and an intimacy of a very specific sort that's difficult to replicate in other contexts. (I've tried to convince myself that getting waxed should be 'fun' for me ... but it just hurts like buggery and give me no immediate pleasure whatsoever.)

 

[Dreamliner]

Hi Kim,

just dropping my view on this, D/s does not need to be 24/7! there is normal life, day to day work and leisure activities that are outside of a D/s dynamic. A D/s dynamic is based on communication, confidence and trust. It is not a one-way continuum. It is based on respect for each other.

The D/s aspects should be openly discussed and agreed.

Never confuse D/s for an abusive relationship that may be physical or emotional.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hi Kim,

just dropping my view on this, D/s does not need to be 24/7! there is normal life, day to day work and leisure activities that are outside of a D/s dynamic. A D/s dynamic is based on communication, confidence and trust. It is not a one-way continuum. It is based on respect for each other.

The D/s aspects should be openly discussed and agreed.

Never confuse D/s for an abusive relationship that may be physical or emotional.

Oh, I totally know that. I mean, I get that some people enjoy the whole 'lifestyle' thing, and that's cool. It's just not for me.

 

[AnnieLit]

I've tried to convince myself that getting waxed should be 'fun' for me ... but it just hurts like buggery and give me no immediate pleasure whatsoever.

He-he, great minds and all that.
I had my first waxing a few months ago, it was at His request (well, technically he said shaved or waxed, but I thought why not) and the only thought that was going through my mind the whole time was "It would have been soooo much better if I were strapped down and He was doing it!" I even suggested it to Him as a play activity, but he was not impressed by the idea.

Next time I just used a numbing cream and did not feel a thing. Why suffer the pain if it brings no pleasure at all?

 

[KimGordon67]

He-he, great minds and all that.
I had my first waxing a few months ago, it was at His request (well, technically he said shaved or waxed, but I thought why not) and the only thought that was going through my mind the whole time was "It would have been soooo much better if I were strapped down and He was doing it!" I even suggested it to Him as a play activity, but he was not impressed by the idea.

Next time I just used a numbing cream and did not feel a thing. Why suffer the pain if it brings no pleasure at all?

Gah - I don't think I'd let anyone who wasn't a trained professional do that!

 

[AnnieLit]

Gah - I don't think I'd let anyone who wasn't a trained professional do that!

I don't put that much trust in the training of these "professionals". How long does it take to get a license? 1 day? 3? If I don't think a person can read, understand, and follow instructions on a waxing set, then he has absolutely no business tying me up in the first place, with waxing or without.

 

[KimGordon67]

I don't put that much trust in the training of these "professionals". How long does it take to get a license? 1 day? 3? If I don't think a person can read, understand, and follow instructions on a waxing set, then he has absolutely no business tying me up in the first place, with waxing or without.

*shrug* The people I see have spent a fair while in beauty school - at least a six month course, if not more -and they practice on each other, so they know what it feels like. And they seem pretty knowledgeable about their product - I've had some quite involved discussions about different sorts of wax, the direction hair grows in, the benefits of exfoliating beforehand, etc. I don't even know that I've seen a home kit with instructions for doing brazilians ... although to be fair, I guess I haven't looked.

 

[AnnieLit]

*shrug* The people I see have spent a fair while in beauty school - at least a six month course, if not more -and they practice on each other, so they know what it feels like. And they seem pretty knowledgeable about their product - I've had some quite involved discussions about different sorts of wax, the direction hair grows in, the benefits of exfoliating beforehand, etc. I don't even know that I've seen a home kit with instructions for doing brazilians ... although to be fair, I guess I haven't looked.

Here beauty schools are 4 month and that includes everything.
As for the types of waxes and which direction to spread and which to pull -- these are the very first things your learn when start reading descriptions of the kits.

I have not seen them in stores either, but there are quite a few on Amazon and going by the reviews the do the job. When you have products with 1500 positive reviews from laymen it is really hard to believe that one needs a special training to get the results.
https://www.amazon.com/Stripless-Be...20-Applicator-Eyebrows-Painless/dp/B07JK4C34Y

Have you ever done any wax play? With the regular candles, not the cosmetic wax.

 

[cookiecat]

It's like looking at everything through a filter, eh?

Are you and Bramble in Australia?

So picking up on this para from a prior post (about online dating in general): "I'm chatting with a lovely guy at the moment ... we've progressed to texting on the telephone, but he hasn't asked for pics or anything. And for various reasons, we can't meet in person until early February. I like that he's patient, and happy for us to just get to know each other as people a bit first. (I have ascertained that he's fairly vanilla, but also finished what I assume was a fairly long marriage a bit over a year ago. He seems to really like sex, and have a lot of time for doing it well, so fingers crossed he's just waiting for the right person to discover his domliness ... or alternatively we'll just have high-quality vanilla sex.)"

... I'm in a little bit of a quandry about this. It's mostly all comprised of 'what if's', the biggest one being 'what if I can't handle having just vanilla sex'. For the last five years I've had some sort of d/s relationship going on pretty consistently ... is it possible to go back to vanilla after that? (He is cool about the non-monogamy thing, so there's that.)

Have you thought more about this? I think you're putting cart before horse. Thinking too much of it. Get to know him. Maybe he's technically not into D or s but who knows? The boyfriend wasn't really into it either, was he? He fell into it??

This seems like a good "inquiring minds" thread question. How much do you need to connect v with the person vs connecting with the kink??

 

[KimGordon67]

Are you and Bramble in Australia?



Have you thought more about this? I think you're putting cart before horse. Thinking too much of it. Get to know him. Maybe he's technically not into D or s but who knows? The boyfriend wasn't really into it either, was he? He fell into it??

This seems like a good "inquiring minds" thread question. How much do you need to connect v with the person vs connecting with the kink??

I'm not - I don't think Bramble makes any secret of the fact though.

I'll see what happens. There's been a bit of a hiatus in the messaging. I'm hoping that's just due to him being ridiculously busy at work, and not that I sent him a couple of photos and now he's gone off me.

I think the answer to your question probably varies from person to person. I couldn't imagine letting someone I didn't know and trust doing anything on the d side of the spectrum to me beyond maybe a bite on the lip during a first kiss, or maybe a hand in the hair. But other people obviously are fine with that, in specific circumstances. As Fermina noted above, the pain, the submission, etc, are tangled up in intimacy.
I'm encouraged by the fact that he seems like quite an open person. Also, the s side of me is fairly easily gratified - I wouldn't be surprised if I never go as far as I did with the (ex-)BF again, but that leaves a fair bit of room. And yes, sometimes being with someone who has submissive tendencies can (I think) lead to other people discovering dom tendencies they didn't know they had (or maybe just developing them because it's fun).

I'd be interested in what the d people have to say about that ... I'm always interested in how they feel, how controlling someone makes them feel.

 

[AnnieLit]

I'd be interested in what the d people have to say about that ... I'm always interested in how they feel, how controlling someone makes them feel.

There are many different types of d people, from outright sadists that derive pleasure from causing pain to those that can't stand bringing pain at all and are much more into pleasuring and teasing. I am more of a service (pleasure) domme, i.e. I can bring in fair amount of pain, but only because I know how much pleasure my s person gets out of it. The teasing on the other hand... that I do for myself. Control over measured pleasure, never too much, never enough to bring him over... I never get tired of this game, can go much longer than he will let me

 

[Fermina_Daza]

Yes, as noted above, I'm curious to see if I can have a sexual relationship with someone without that element ... it is a release and an intimacy of a very specific sort that's difficult to replicate in other contexts. (I've tried to convince myself that getting waxed should be 'fun' for me ... but it just hurts like buggery and give me no immediate pleasure whatsoever.)

Bwahahaha! I had to have some tests done last week and the nurse asked me to change into a gown. I asked if I could keep my jeans on explaining I KNEW I hadn't shaved my legs this year, pretty sure I hadn't in December either. When your life suddenly becomes caring nonstop for someone shaving seems like a waste of time (although I did shave the following morning).

As for waxing, I seem to always have partners who want it bare. I don't care either way - except I quickly learned he who wants it bare pays for it be bare. Shit is expensive - and painful in a not fun way.

 

[KimGordon67]

Bwahahaha! I had to have some tests done last week and the nurse asked me to change into a gown. I asked if I could keep my jeans on explaining I KNEW I hadn't shaved my legs this year, pretty sure I hadn't in December either. When your life suddenly becomes caring nonstop for someone shaving seems like a waste of time (although I did shave the following morning).

As for waxing, I seem to always have partners who want it bare. I don't care either way - except I quickly learned he who wants it bare pays for it be bare. Shit is expensive - and painful in a not fun way.

I do wax my own legs (with the pre-waxed strips) - that's actually not that painful, pretty easy to do yourself, and last a lot longer than shaving. After a while the hairs give up and stop growing back so much as well.

I like the feeling of a brazilian myself, in a sexual context - I think it makes everything a little more sensitive. But I don't bother if there's no one to care ... another question for new lovers. 'Do you like waxed or prefer au naturelle?'