Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

For me, that was one of the big (good) changes inside of me once I dropped the societal expectation of monogamy. Love can make you crazy. Love can make your partners crazy. Once I accepted that I wasn't going to be monogamous I found that I was better able to let the crazy slip away.

It didn't change how I love (or how deeply I love) but it opened up casual encounters about physical attraction primarily. If it makes sense, I'm able to accept "friends and good people as lovers, that I will never Love, nor will they reciprocate".

I often joke with my friends who complain "I always pick the wrong type of people" that they need to either a.) let me pick for them or b.) define their type and then use a negative checkbox system to rule people out.

The problem with having a 'type' is that it's usually based on having had proportionately more of that 'type' as partners ... but in more traditional set-ups, that also means that the relationships with your 'type' have usually ended ... often (and definitely in my case) quite spectacularly badly. I definitely have a 'type' in that there's a certain kind of guy I seem to end up, but it almost never goes well. In fact, I'm meeting a guy for a drink tonight who reminds me of no one as much as the most recent ex-BF, who was definitely with my general 'type' genre. WTF am I even doing? Maybe I'm hopeful that he'll have the good bits that I liked about the exBF, but not be a sociopath.

I do wonder if not being monogamous has made me a bit more prosaic about things - it does make things easier when you don't expect one person to be 'everything', and maybe allays some of the panic about 'losing' them. Or maybe it's the fact that I've really settled into the idea of being fundamentally on my own for the rest of my life, so my expectations of relationships have moved quite significantly, and now I really just want someone I like hanging out with, with some hot monkey sex thrown in. I've also just gotten a bit more level. I don't know if that comes with age, or with age+actively sorting some shit out.

 

[MrRetro]

The problem with having a 'type' is that it's usually based on having had proportionately more of that 'type' as partners ... but in more traditional set-ups, that also means that the relationships with your 'type' have usually ended ... often (and definitely in my case) quite spectacularly badly. I definitely have a 'type' in that there's a certain kind of guy I seem to end up, but it almost never goes well. In fact, I'm meeting a guy for a drink tonight who reminds me of no one as much as the most recent ex-BF, who was definitely with my general 'type' genre. WTF am I even doing? Maybe I'm hopeful that he'll have the good bits that I liked about the exBF, but not be a sociopath.

I do wonder if not being monogamous has made me a bit more prosaic about things - it does make things easier when you don't expect one person to be 'everything', and maybe allays some of the panic about 'losing' them. Or maybe it's the fact that I've really settled into the idea of being fundamentally on my own for the rest of my life, so my expectations of relationships have moved quite significantly, and now I really just want someone I like hanging out with, with some hot monkey sex thrown in. I've also just gotten a bit more level. I don't know if that comes with age, or with age+actively sorting some shit out.

I think it takes a certain wisdom to actively seek out people that aren’t your type, it’s a lot harder in practice to do though.. One can’t help being attracted to certain people though, it’s our biology..

It sounds like you’re very pragmatic about your expectations Kim, your comment about wanting someone to hang out with and have some great sex really resonates with me, it probably does with a lot of readers here that are of the non monogamy mindset..

 

[phil1955]

The problem with having a 'type' is that it's usually based on having had proportionately more of that 'type' as partners ... but in more traditional set-ups, that also means that the relationships with your 'type' have usually ended ... often (and definitely in my case) quite spectacularly badly. I definitely have a 'type' in that there's a certain kind of guy I seem to end up, but it almost never goes well. In fact, I'm meeting a guy for a drink tonight who reminds me of no one as much as the most recent ex-BF, who was definitely with my general 'type' genre. WTF am I even doing? Maybe I'm hopeful that he'll have the good bits that I liked about the exBF, but not be a sociopath.

I do wonder if not being monogamous has made me a bit more prosaic about things - it does make things easier when you don't expect one person to be 'everything', and maybe allays some of the panic about 'losing' them. Or maybe it's the fact that I've really settled into the idea of being fundamentally on my own for the rest of my life, so my expectations of relationships have moved quite significantly, and now I really just want someone I like hanging out with, with some hot monkey sex thrown in. I've also just gotten a bit more level. I don't know if that comes with age, or with age+actively sorting some shit out.

It sounds like you have gotten a good idea of what you want in a relationship but of course finding that ideal partner is the tricky part. I like the concept of one person not having to be everything. With my wife and I, we came at everything backwards. We were dating, got pregnant, got married and then stumbled around for 30 some years. Finally we figured out that we are good friends and even good companions but that we do not need to be everything for each other. We do have some common interests but decided it is fine to have different interest that we each can pursue. Good luck with you quest. I think it is worth pursuing as opposed to jumping in a rut and being unhappy.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think it takes a certain wisdom to actively seek out people that aren’t your type, it’s a lot harder in practice to do though.. One can’t help being attracted to certain people though, it’s our biology..

It sounds like you’re very pragmatic about your expectations Kim, your comment about wanting someone to hang out with and have some great sex really resonates with me, it probably does with a lot of readers here that are of the non monogamy mindset..

I'm also just too old and grumpy to have someone around on a permanent full-time basis. There's a reason we collect cats in our old age.

 

[KimGordon67]

It sounds like you have gotten a good idea of what you want in a relationship but of course finding that ideal partner is the tricky part. I like the concept of one person not having to be everything. With my wife and I, we came at everything backwards. We were dating, got pregnant, got married and then stumbled around for 30 some years. Finally we figured out that we are good friends and even good companions but that we do not need to be everything for each other. We do have some common interests but decided it is fine to have different interest that we each can pursue. Good luck with you quest. I think it is worth pursuing as opposed to jumping in a rut and being unhappy.

The guy I saw a few weeks ago will, I think, work out - he's pretty chill, happy to just see me when it's mutually convenient, not prone to weird fits of jealousy, fun to hang out with (if we don't talk about politics), isn't seeing me as some sort of 'solution' to a problem, and is great in bed. He's just a bit far away to see very regularly (which has it's advantages - he can't just turn up here unexpectedly, and he also lives in a really nice thermal area, so lots of visits to hot pools on the horizon).

When I was married, we always maintained our own lives as well - just little things like maintaining our bank accounts as well as the joint account, not sharing computers, going to social things on our own (or with a mate) if it was the other person's 'thing'. I've never been a big fan of the 'you're my everything' approach to relationships.

 

[phil1955]

I'm also just too old and grumpy to have someone around on a permanent full-time basis. There's a reason we collect cats in our old age.

Having someone around is not too bad. One just has to remember to start the coffee in the morning and stay out of their way until happy hour. Though cats may be the ultimate roommate. Just feed them, clean the litter box and do whatever you want. Maybe let you pet them once in awhile for a treat.

 

[KimGordon67]

Having someone around is not too bad. One just has to remember to start the coffee in the morning and stay out of their way until happy hour. Though cats may be the ultimate roommate. Just feed them, clean the litter box and do whatever you want. Maybe let you pet them once in awhile for a treat.

American cats are so odd with their litter boxes. Mine has probably a good acre of bush to poo in. No cleaning of litter boxes required (although I do end up with a fair amount of bush brought inside).
I like having company ... sometimes. But I'm extremely fond of my own little home, and of everything being the way I like it.

 

[phil1955]

American cats are so odd with their litter boxes. Mine has probably a good acre of bush to poo in. No cleaning of litter boxes required (although I do end up with a fair amount of bush brought inside).
I like having company ... sometimes. But I'm extremely fond of my own little home, and of everything being the way I like it.

When I was a lad, we always had cats and they were free to roam the island but here in AZ, a domestic cat running around on their own would very likely become a coyote snack.

 

[KimGordon67]

When I was a lad, we always had cats and they were free to roam the island but here in AZ, a domestic cat running around on their own would very likely become a coyote snack.

Ah - that makes sense then.

 

[KimGordon67]

I've been reviewed!

The 'swingers' site I'm on has the capacity to 'vouch' for people, so you can indicate that someone is really who/what they say they are, and also operates as a sort of 'review' system. The gentleman caller I entertained a few weeks back left a review!

Click with Kim and a world of sensual excitement opens up, she will give as good as she gets... good stamina required! A lot of fun, not just between the sheets but also as a person... Can't wait to catch up with Kim!​

 

[cookiecat]

The 'swingers' site I'm on has the capacity to 'vouch' for people, so you can indicate that someone is really who/what they say they are, and also operates as a sort of 'review' system. The gentleman caller I entertained a few weeks back left a review!

Click with Kim and a world of sensual excitement opens up, she will give as good as she gets... good stamina required! A lot of fun, not just between the sheets but also as a person... Can't wait to catch up with Kim!​

Oh my!! Does this feel good, weird, arousing or ???

 

[KimGordon67]

Oh my!! Does this feel good, weird, arousing or ???

Good ... and a little concerning that quite a high bar has been set. What if I'm feeling a bit off one day, and don't end up opening a world of sensual excitement for some guy who's read that. WHAT THEN????

 

[MrRetro]

The 'swingers' site I'm on has the capacity to 'vouch' for people, so you can indicate that someone is really who/what they say they are, and also operates as a sort of 'review' system. The gentleman caller I entertained a few weeks back left a review!

Click with Kim and a world of sensual excitement opens up, she will give as good as she gets... good stamina required! A lot of fun, not just between the sheets but also as a person... Can't wait to catch up with Kim!​

Wow, got to be happy with a review like that..! Now I want to read your review of him..!

 

[KimGordon67]

Wow, got to be happy with a review like that..! Now I want to read your review of him..!

LOL - that's not mine to post anywhere without his consent.

 

[phil1955]

Good ... and a little concerning that quite a high bar has been set. What if I'm feeling a bit off one day, and don't end up opening a world of sensual excitement for some guy who's read that. WHAT THEN????

I don't believe you are required to have your "A game" every day. I can never remember being with a fun woman and not enjoying whatever sex came our way. All you need to do is just be you and no guy will go away disappointed. It was also nice that he talked about you as a fun person to be with not just the sex. An excellent review. Of course you may not get many free weekends after that.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Well, that is a pretty good review! (Not surprised)

I am tempted here to go off on my "I don't have to power to make your (meaning another person, not you specifically) life better. That hard work is up to you. What I can offer is friendship, encouragement, companionship on the journey - and the occasional session of wild ass fuckery."

On the flip side, I don't expect my lovers to solve all my life problems. I am on the hard path just fine.

I think the expectation set that gets layered on top of traditional monogamous relationships is too unrealistic and leads to inevitable disappointment in some arena of life. You don't have to take the bad with the good in a relationship. Leave the bad behind and just take the good. (And if you have your own "bad", don't carry it into your relationship.)

As Rilke says - there must be space in your togetherness.

 

[KimGordon67]

Well, that is a pretty good review! (Not surprised)

I am tempted here to go off on my "I don't have to power to make your (meaning another person, not you specifically) life better. That hard work is up to you. What I can offer is friendship, encouragement, companionship on the journey - and the occasional session of wild ass fuckery."

On the flip side, I don't expect my lovers to solve all my life problems. I am on the hard path just fine.

I think the expectation set that gets layered on top of traditional monogamous relationships is too unrealistic and leads to inevitable disappointment in some arena of life. You don't have to take the bad with the good in a relationship. Leave the bad behind and just take the good. (And if you have your own "bad", don't carry it into your relationship.)

As Rilke says - there must be space in your togetherness.

I really only considered the whole 'people looking for someone to fix some problem' thing when I was writing that, but I think it is often true. Whether it's to make them feel better about themselves, or just because they're lonely/bored. I mean, obviously there's a level at which all things can be seen as 'problems to be fixed' (e.g. my 'problem' is that I'm not getting as much sex as I'd like, so I'm seeking to 'fix' that). But things like 'I'm so lonely ... help me fix that' just doesn't feel quite so attractive to me. I tend to prefer the profiles that are more 'here's so stuff I do - would be cool to have someone to share some of that with, who might also want to share some of their cool things with me' or 'seeking contributor to long-winded conversations'.

That quote was part of our wedding vows (and, I'm sure, many wedding vows around the world) ... although Google tells me it was Kahlil Gibran, not Rilke. Now I'm going to have to dig back through the box of wedding paraphenalia. I think it was me who ended up with that, as the official Keeper of Records.

 

[MrRetro]

I really only considered the whole 'people looking for someone to fix some problem' thing when I was writing that, but I think it is often true. Whether it's to make them feel better about themselves, or just because they're lonely/bored. I mean, obviously there's a level at which all things can be seen as 'problems to be fixed' (e.g. my 'problem' is that I'm not getting as much sex as I'd like, so I'm seeking to 'fix' that). But things like 'I'm so lonely ... help me fix that' just doesn't feel quite so attractive to me. I tend to prefer the profiles that are more 'here's so stuff I do - would be cool to have someone to share some of that with, who might also want to share some of their cool things with me' or 'seeking contributor to long-winded conversations'.

That quote was part of our wedding vows (and, I'm sure, many wedding vows around the world) ... although Google tells me it was Kahlil Gibran, not Rilke. Now I'm going to have to dig back through the box of wedding paraphenalia. I think it was me who ended up with that, as the official Keeper of Records.

As much as this is predominantly a sex related hangout, you’re not alone in wanting someone to help you with your loneliness Kim.. I find that more endearing and attractive than a lot of other posts on Lit.. I’ve no doubt this little island has enough men to keep you company whenever you need it..

 

[KimGordon67]

As much as this is predominantly a sex related hangout, you’re not alone in wanting someone to help you with your loneliness Kim.. I find that more endearing and attractive than a lot of other posts on Lit.. I’ve no doubt this little island has enough men to keep you company whenever you need it..

I think you misread my post a tiny bit ... I'm definitely not lonely. I like having someone/s fun to hang out with, but because it's fun, not really because I'm lonely.

 

[MrRetro]

I think you misread my post a tiny bit ... I'm definitely not lonely. I like having someone/s fun to hang out with, but because it's fun, not really because I'm lonely.

Yes I’d misinterpreted what you wrote, sorry about that..

 

[KimGordon67]

Yes I’d misinterpreted what you wrote, sorry about that..

It's easy to do, especially as I am the mistress of the convoluted sentence.

 

[MrRetro]

It's easy to do, especially as I am the mistress of the convoluted sentence.

Described so eloquently, Mistress..

 

[KimGordon67]

Described so eloquently, Mistress..

Ha ha - I see what you did there. Nice try.

 

[KimGordon67]

Looking forward to some wild ass fuckery in the weekend ... the gentleman caller I entertained the other week (and who left the glowing review) has invited me to visit him for a sleepover. I asked what I should bring ... meaning, you know, wine or pastries for breakfast or whatever. He replied 'bring toys'. This is good. (I may pick up some flowers on my way out of town.) I'm off to get waxed shortly - I always have to remind myself that the brief moments of pain and indignity are worth the longer term outcome. And then I can agonise over what to wear ... it's winter here, and we just came into a particular cold (for here) snap, and where he is it's inland and up high, so always colder than my pleasant beachside town. I find dressing for dates in the cold much more difficult ... but, on the con side, where he lives is one of the countries main thermal areas, and we're expecting to be able to fit in a trip to some pools that happen to be both our favourite ones.

It's definitely easier seeing someone who's already seen me naked. I'm hating on my belly so much at the moment, but he's seen it, and obviously wants to see it again, so I'll try and keep all that dislike to myself. I am gradually getting back to the body I remember having not so long ago, and in a way that's actually sustainable ... exercise is bloody hard though. It's not even that I'm lazy - I just always seem to have other things that need doing. A good brisk walk into town today though, to visit the waxologist, and then some yoga tonight with the mean yoga teacher who really pushes us. (Actually, she's quite lovely - totally flakey but also funny and very encouraging. And I have to remind myself that I am literally the oldest person in the class ... those 22 year olds who can bend themselves in half will be in their 50s one day too.)

 

[LizVegas79]

Looking forward to some wild ass fuckery in the weekend ... the gentleman caller I entertained the other week (and who left the glowing review) has invited me to visit him for a sleepover. I asked what I should bring ... meaning, you know, wine or pastries for breakfast or whatever. He replied 'bring toys'. This is good. (I may pick up some flowers on my way out of town.) I'm off to get waxed shortly - I always have to remind myself that the brief moments of pain and indignity are worth the longer term outcome. And then I can agonise over what to wear ... it's winter here, and we just came into a particular cold (for here) snap, and where he is it's inland and up high, so always colder than my pleasant beachside town. I find dressing for dates in the cold much more difficult ... but, on the con side, where he lives is one of the countries main thermal areas, and we're expecting to be able to fit in a trip to some pools that happen to be both our favourite ones.

It's definitely easier seeing someone who's already seen me naked. I'm hating on my belly so much at the moment, but he's seen it, and obviously wants to see it again, so I'll try and keep all that dislike to myself. I am gradually getting back to the body I remember having not so long ago, and in a way that's actually sustainable ... exercise is bloody hard though. It's not even that I'm lazy - I just always seem to have other things that need doing. A good brisk walk into town today though, to visit the waxologist, and then some yoga tonight with the mean yoga teacher who really pushes us. (Actually, she's quite lovely - totally flakey but also funny and very encouraging. And I have to remind myself that I am literally the oldest person in the class ... those 22 year olds who can bend themselves in half will be in their 50s one day too.)

Have fun! (it sure sounds like you certainly will)

Jealous for your "wild ass fuckery this weekend"!