Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[cookiecat]

Hi Kim!

I just wanted to say hellooooooooooooooooo -- so glad you stopped by to update.

Definitely sink in to it! I so relate to being scared to move forward. The what ifs and the shoulds.

I'm learning to enjoy. Go with the fucking fuckery kinky flow! And just enjoy.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hi Kim!

I just wanted to say hellooooooooooooooooo -- so glad you stopped by to update.

Definitely sink in to it! I so relate to being scared to move forward. The what ifs and the shoulds.

I'm learning to enjoy. Go with the fucking fuckery kinky flow! And just enjoy.

The absolutely amazing thing about it all (well, amazing for me) is that HE actually talks about all this, how unexpected and strange it is, how he doesn't quite know what to do with how it all feels, how he is just letting himself go with it ... I'm so unused to a guy actually being THAT open about things.

I feel like a teenager.

And this time, I'm doing everything right. We've talked about the not being monogamous thing, and everything is up front and in the open. Well, I hope it is - there's definitely no surprises from my end. That's part of the scary bit ... I'm still trying to work out how to negotiate all this when I actually care about someone, so I'm honest about who I am, but they also don't get hurt.

It's 4pm. I probably should get dressed.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

Getting dressed is overrated.
Thanks for giving us the update. Sometimes the most unexpected things can be the best things.

 

[AnnieLit]

Oh, Kim! I am so happy for you!

Just breathe! It's going to be alright. You will have a great December and after that... Who knows what will come after, but isn't one month of happiness worth whatever might be or not be later? Just allow yourself to melt, to be his good girl, to be you.

 

[KimGordon67]

Getting dressed is overrated.
Thanks for giving us the update. Sometimes the most unexpected things can be the best things.

Oh, Kim! I am so happy for you!

Just breathe! It's going to be alright. You will have a great December and after that... Who knows what will come after, but isn't one month of happiness worth whatever might be or not be later? Just allow yourself to melt, to be his good girl, to be you.

Doing my best to just focus on how good things are now, without freaking out about how things might not be good tomorrow ... whenever 'tomorrow' happens to be.

 

[KimGordon67]

Huh ... just scrolled back to the posts from the beginning of the year, and realised how much I underplayed the trauma of last Christmas. Basically, after I finally finished things with the ex-BF, he made two suicide attempts before Christmas, one while I was in the house with him. I took him into hospital, and then had to leave him there because I needed to be out of town to spend Christmas with my family. This sounds unbelievably callous, but every time someone asked him why he'd swallowed all the pills, the answer was 'because someone was horrible to me', and 'someone' meant me, so I realised that I was the last person who should be trying to look after him.

He then spent a week across the Christmas/New Year period contacting me multiple times a day threatening to make another attempt, so I spent pretty much that whole time trying to engage various social services, the police, etc to make sure he was OK, while also trying to parent my kid (I was at my ex-husbands, but he'd gone away on holiday ... long story), and calling/texting him to try and make sure he didn't actually kill himself. And the rest of the time sleeping and drinking.

Of course, he didn't kill himself. But now he somehow can't remember threatening to at all - all he remembers was 'harrassing me a bit', which he's 'sorry' for. Some months after all this I found myself Googling 'are you in a relationship with a sociopath?' No prizes for guessing what the answer was.

The upshot of all that was a good few months feeling possibly the lowest I've ever felt. Because of the horribly toxic nature of the whole relationship, we still end up have intermittent blazes of contact. The last few he's decided to inform me that it was, in fact, my fault that he tried to kill himself because apparently I'd been so emotionally manipulative that he'd spent four years(!) trying to be 'someone else' to keep me happy, constantly too scared to really be himself because that made me sad/angry/whatever. Apparently his incredibly abusive parents and just all round awful childhood (by anyone's standards) had nothing to do with it - it was all me and what a bitch I am.

... so. Yeah. That's why I'm feeling a little raw and anxious. Lol - that's a lot of offloading, but it feels good to get it all in one place.

And I have really promised myself - no more contact with him. (I know it's hard to see why I would be having anything to do with him at all ... unless you've been in a situation like this, I get how impossible that is to understand.)

 

[Bramblethorn]

Huh ... just scrolled back to the posts from the beginning of the year, and realised how much I underplayed the trauma of last Christmas. Basically, after I finally finished things with the ex-BF, he made two suicide attempts before Christmas, one while I was in the house with him. I took him into hospital, and then had to leave him there because I needed to be out of town to spend Christmas with my family. This sounds unbelievably callous, but every time someone asked him why he'd swallowed all the pills, the answer was 'because someone was horrible to me', and 'someone' meant me, so I realised that I was the last person who should be trying to look after him.

Ugh. Yeah, dealing with people who take themselves hostage against your behaviour is no fun at all. Sounds like you made the right call.

I'm reminded of a passage from the Talmud that somebody shared with me a while back:

There was an incident involving a certain man who set his eyes upon a certain woman and passion rose in his heart, to the point that he became deathly ill. And they came and asked doctors what was to be done with him. And the doctors said: He will have no cure until she engages in sexual intercourse with him. The Sages said: Let him die, and she may not engage in sexual intercourse with him. The doctors said: She should at least stand naked before him. The Sages said: Let him die, and she may not stand naked before him. The doctors suggested: The woman should at least converse with him behind a fence in a secluded area, so that he should derive a small amount of pleasure from the encounter. The Sages insisted: Let him die, and she may not converse with him behind a fence.

 

[KimGordon67]

Ugh. Yeah, dealing with people who take themselves hostage against your behaviour is no fun at all. Sounds like you made the right call.

I'm reminded of a passage from the Talmud that somebody shared with me a while back:

There was an incident involving a certain man who set his eyes upon a certain woman and passion rose in his heart, to the point that he became deathly ill. And they came and asked doctors what was to be done with him. And the doctors said: He will have no cure until she engages in sexual intercourse with him. The Sages said: Let him die, and she may not engage in sexual intercourse with him. The doctors said: She should at least stand naked before him. The Sages said: Let him die, and she may not stand naked before him. The doctors suggested: The woman should at least converse with him behind a fence in a secluded area, so that he should derive a small amount of pleasure from the encounter. The Sages insisted: Let him die, and she may not converse with him behind a fence.

You have no idea how apt this is ... he spent four years telling me I was the thing that made him feel healed, and then the second I finally and properly left, I somehow became the only cause of all his pain. He's literally texting me as I write telling me how I should accept responsibility for what happened.

And I so don't want to bring all this into whatever happens next. I just need a big lead-lined box to put it all in that I can stick in the basement. Or something.

 

[Dreamliner]

Block the number is your friend Kim. Your physical and psychological health and your children are primary. The rest are secondary.

 

[AnnieLit]

Block his number, block his email (if you use gmail his letters will automatically go to spam), block whatever other means of communication you have. You do not need this!!! He is not your problem anymore, and he never was your responsibility either.

Yes, he needs help. But nobody will he able to help him until he is ready. And when he is, this help will cone from a professional, not a lover.

 

[KimGordon67]

Yeah ... I think people are a bit surprised to learn how ineffective blocking phone numbers/email addresses actually is, and also how the whole 'walking away' process is often a little more complex than that.

Anyway, I think I've finally extricated him from my life completely, both physically and emotionally. And I'm ready for the shiny new thing. Which is progressing nicely. The whole full-frontal honesty thing is a bit weird ... so much risk involved, but I just keep telling myself 'this is who I am - if he doesn't like it, then it just wasn't really meant to be'.

So looking forward to the actual sex. Like SO looking forward to that. The guy I've been seeing casually is fine, and the sex is great, and great vanilla sex is lovely ... but bring on the kinky fuckery!

 

[KimGordon67]

I’ve been off and on, but I always lurk.
I’m happy for you.

Yeah, I haven't been around for a while either. Funnily enough, I'm here because I joined FetLife (the new guy is on there, and I thought I'd see what it's all about), but I realised that (a) I didn't really want to see him hitting on pretty young women ... I'll probably be OK about that eventually but atm it's all just a bit too uncertain for me to want to have that too much in my face (and if I was a member, I would be checking his profile, because I'm stupid like that); and (b) actually, most of the things I'd get out of FetLife I have here, with people who have 'known' me a lot longer. And I realised I was missing that a bit.

I might feel differently when we're a bit more settled into whatever the thing ends up being, and decide that FetLife is a useful way to meet other people, but I decided a couple of days ago I'm not going to see anyone else for a little while. This feels like it might be a bit significant, and I just want to establish what that looks like before I complicate things with trying to navigate how we manage not being monogamous - we will work that out, but as we still have actually physically met yet, I just want to get to that point, so we actually know in our bodies what is going on, before we start working out other things.
And also, I'm just so fucking smitten, and I want to really just enjoy that, without dealing with other people. I actually cancelled a date I had next weekend with the guy I've been seeing a bit of ... he was very sweet and said that he was happy for me.

 

[LizVegas79]

Yeah, I haven't been around for a while either. Funnily enough, I'm here because I joined FetLife (the new guy is on there, and I thought I'd see what it's all about), but I realised that (a) I didn't really want to see him hitting on pretty young women ... I'll probably be OK about that eventually but atm it's all just a bit too uncertain for me to want to have that too much in my face (and if I was a member, I would be checking his profile, because I'm stupid like that); and (b) actually, most of the things I'd get out of FetLife I have here, with people who have 'known' me a lot longer. And I realised I was missing that a bit.

I might feel differently when we're a bit more settled into whatever the thing ends up being, and decide that FetLife is a useful way to meet other people, but I decided a couple of days ago I'm not going to see anyone else for a little while. This feels like it might be a bit significant, and I just want to establish what that looks like before I complicate things with trying to navigate how we manage not being monogamous - we will work that out, but as we still have actually physically met yet, I just want to get to that point, so we actually know in our bodies what is going on, before we start working out other things.
And also, I'm just so fucking smitten, and I want to really just enjoy that, without dealing with other people. I actually cancelled a date I had next weekend with the guy I've been seeing a bit of ... he was very sweet and said that he was happy for me.

OMG - someone in my RW has been bugging me to join FetLife - I trust your opinion so much more than hers Kim. Thank you!

(weird irony >> her name is Kim too! how strange is that? )

 

[KimGordon67]

OMG - someone in my RW has been bugging me to join FetLife - I trust your opinion so much more than hers Kim. Thank you!

(weird irony >> her name is Kim too! how strange is that? )

LOL. I think it's probably a good site for meeting people IRL who have similar kinks, if that's what you want. Not just for hooking up/whatever, but also just for social events. But I don't really need more social events in my life, especially not at the moment, and I seem to attract the kinky fuckers without needing to specifically look for them. And the other obvious benefit would be a safe space to discuss all things sexual ... but that's what Lit is for me.

I'm sure that, like any website, it is partly what you make it. But I just found the functionality a bit difficult to get my head around. (Also, I now know the sociopathic ex has a profile on there ... it's like he's colonised every fucking online space there is, and keeps writing profiles that specifically mention me, which is just super creepy, so best I stay away from that for a while.)

 

[LizVegas79]

LOL. I think it's probably a good site for meeting people IRL who have similar kinks, if that's what you want. Not just for hooking up/whatever, but also just for social events. But I don't really need more social events in my life, especially not at the moment, and I seem to attract the kinky fuckers without needing to specifically look for them. And the other obvious benefit would be a safe space to discuss all things sexual ... but that's what Lit is for me.

I'm sure that, like any website, it is partly what you make it. But I just found the functionality a bit difficult to get my head around. (Also, I now know the sociopathic ex has a profile on there ... it's like he's colonised every fucking online space there is, and keeps writing profiles that specifically mention me, which is just super creepy, so best I stay away from that for a while.)

Yeah stay away from that.

STAY HERE INSTEAD!!

 

[AnnieLit]

Re FetLife: to me the biggest attraction was that it is much bigger than lit, so it is easy to find people from your geographical area. But just for talking I much prefer Lit.

Fet also has few photo accounts that I follow, that's probably the only thing that is missing on Lit for me. Not the "find on internet and post here" topics, but photographers sharing their own work. I have not seen anything of that level on Lit.

 

[ouchfeelsgood]

I got a new tattoo! I've been thinking about it for literally years, and had it booked for probably months (had to postpone once because I was sick, and we're not meant to leave the house if we're sick), and finally had it done yesterday morning. So stoked.

Your tat sums things up perfectly -- if I'm interpreting it correctly. Chaos is the new normal, but at least we know it will be consistently chaotic moving forward, so let's try to adapt.

 

[KimGordon67]

Your tat sums things up perfectly -- if I'm interpreting it correctly. Chaos is the new normal, but at least we know it will be consistently chaotic moving forward, so let's try to adapt.

It's actually a song lyric from a local band, probably 15-20 years old ... but definitely a transferable concept. To be honest, I don't even know if I could say what it 'means' with any degree of certainty ... that there's consistency in the chaos? That the chaos is consistent? Something else? I think that's one of the things I like about it.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'd forgotten how delicious it is getting to know someone you really click with. The distance thing is a drag ... but there's also some pro's. We've spent a lot of time talking, a fair bit of that being phone sex, which is it's own brand of fun ... and in three weeks, we get to start from the beginning again physically.

It's such a mystery why this works so well with some people and not other people. The guy I've been seeing a bit of recently, the sex is great, we enjoy hanging out together ... but there's just no really passion. Also, I realised the last two or three times we saw each other, he didn't go down on me. I mean, I know good sex is all about the communication, but that kind of seems like a given, and not something I should specifically have to request. I think that he was really pretty focused on the end game, and 'making me happy' was sort of a route to getting what he wanted, rather than a pleasure in and of itself. The sex was also very compartmentalised - we went on walks, had dinner, drank, and then it was sexy times ... and then that was that, and it was time for sleep. I'm sure that's great for people that it works for, but I tend to like the sex spilling out into other things, especially at the beginning and/or if you don't see each other often. Just little things, like a hand on your thigh while you're at dinner, or whispering a little something in his ear while walking along the beach. Flirting is so much fun ... why wouldn't you want to do it a lot?

 

[KimGordon67]

Traditional? 9-5 worker? Married for a long time?
It’s probably what he was used to.

I love that, too, Kim. The spilling over sex.

He did have quite a conservative upbringing (Dutch Catholic), and has a very 'ordered' approach to life in general. Not 'organised' as much as 'this is the plan to achieve X goal, and I'm sticking to it until I get X'. He wasn't married very long, and I think was never monogamous ... but was just generally specific about things. We talked about involving other people, but over the course of those conversations I realised that what he was wanting was what's referred to in the 'swinging' world as a 'straight swap' - pretty much exactly what it sounds like. I couldn't see the point myself ... we were both seeing other people (well, he was - I wasn't, but just because of circumstance), so getting together with another couple and just 'swapping' partners just meant I ended up having sex with another guy ... which I could manage perfectly well on my own, if that's what I wanted. I sort of think if you're going to involve more people, it's way more interesting if you explore the NEW possibilities that creates, rather than just do the same thing with someone else.
And although he said he was keen to help me realise my longstanding fantasy of two guys at once, it was another instance of the various requirements making the whole thing almost impossible. Including that the other guy couldn't have a larger penis. (I mean, that would actually be pretty unlikely, but still, it's an irritating caveat to put in place.)

 

[KimGordon67]

Wow. What a stick up his ass.
We can swap, but let’s measure penises, first, just in case.

I know right?

 

[KimGordon67]

We all need a sexually permeative life.

I think the new guy will be all about that ... one of the benefits of the long distance thing is that you're more inclined to send each filthy little messages at random moments during the day. I'm so looking forward to getting my hands on him ... and he just has a way about him with the domly stuff that totally works for me. Hopefully he's feeling the same.

 

[Blase]

Your tat sums things up perfectly -- if I'm interpreting it correctly. Chaos is the new normal, but at least we know it will be consistently chaotic moving forward, so let's try to adapt.

It's actually a song lyric from a local band, probably 15-20 years old ... but definitely a transferable concept. To be honest, I don't even know if I could say what it 'means' with any degree of certainty ... that there's consistency in the chaos? That the chaos is consistent? Something else? I think that's one of the things I like about it.

I believe it's actually a reference to chaos theory, a branch of mathematics. Here's a quote from Wikipedia:

Chaos theory is an interdisciplinary theory stating that, within the apparent randomness of chaotic complex systems, there are underlying patterns, interconnectedness, constant feedback loops, repetition, self-similarity, fractals, and self-organization.

I assume the songwriter was thinking more about Life rather than about physical forces and systems, though.

 

[Bramblethorn]

And although he said he was keen to help me realise my longstanding fantasy of two guys at once, it was another instance of the various requirements making the whole thing almost impossible. Including that the other guy couldn't have a larger penis. (I mean, that would actually be pretty unlikely, but still, it's an irritating caveat to put in place.)

Uh huh. Yeah, I've met a couple of people who were like "let's be poly! I'll sleep with other people on days ending in 'Y' and my girlfriend can sleep with other people all the other days!"

It ends up being reeeally shitty if you're dating their partner and you've been told "sure, my partner's fine with poly!" and then every opportunity for quality time gets nickel-and-dimed by somebody's jealousies.

The "no larger penis" poly is kind of hilarious.

 

[KimGordon67]

Uh huh. Yeah, I've met a couple of people who were like "let's be poly! I'll sleep with other people on days ending in 'Y' and my girlfriend can sleep with other people all the other days!"

It ends up being reeeally shitty if you're dating their partner and you've been told "sure, my partner's fine with poly!" and then every opportunity for quality time gets nickel-and-dimed by somebody's jealousies.

The "no larger penis" poly is kind of hilarious.

I'm really struggling with how to find a balance between having reasonable agreements about avoiding doing things you know will make someone you care about unhappy, and having lists of caveats that make things virtually impossible. Maybe I'm just over-thinking things.

The no larger penis thing was a bit ridiculous. He had this weird idea that if there was any kind of threesome involving another guy, someone had to be ... I can't remember the actual word he used, but it amounted to 'humiliated'. Like, there had to be some inevitable hierarchy, and clearly he was not OK with not being at the top of this imaginary hieararchy.
Weird.