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Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

JDredd711 said:
I beg to differ. I don't remember that version being as good. I'll watch it again to make sure. Have you seen the one with Stallone?
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Probably decades ago ... maybe I'll rewatch. I watched the Karl Urban one earlier this year though (again, after having seen it at the movie, and again after that). It's still pretty good.

Also, he never takes the helmet off.
 
KimGordon67 said:
Probably decades ago ... maybe I'll rewatch. I watched the Karl Urban one earlier this year though (again, after having seen it at the movie, and again after that). It's still pretty good.

Also, he never takes the helmet off.
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I just watched the trailer, it's not the movie I'm thinking of. The earlier one is hilarious. Saw an interview with Stallone where he talks about how the movie is basically a parody of his action hero characters in other movies. That's what makes the Rob Schneider line mimicking Stallone's "I AM THE LAW" so funny. Seen in that light, the movie is brilliant. Plus it has some awesome bad guys.
 
JDredd711 said:
I just watched the trailer, it's not the movie I'm thinking of. The earlier one is hilarious. Saw an interview with Stallone where he talks about how the movie is basically a parody of his action hero characters in other movies. That's what makes the Rob Schneider line mimicking Stallone's "I AM THE LAW" so funny. Seen in that light, the movie is brilliant. Plus it has some awesome bad guys.
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This just confirms my feeling that the Karl Urban one is much closer to the original source.
 
What's super annoying about this whole situation is that it's impossible to know what's going on in someone else's head, and even more impossible if they don't actually communicate anything about that.
(I actually don't think there are gradations of impossibility, but I'm sure my point is still valid.)
I need to spend less time trying to work it out. I just end up inventing all sorts of things that really are probably not even slightly related to reality.
 
KimGordon67 said:
What's super annoying about this whole situation is that it's impossible to know what's going on in someone else's head, and even more impossible if they don't actually communicate anything about that.
(I actually don't think there are gradations of impossibility, but I'm sure my point is still valid.)
I need to spend less time trying to work it out. I just end up inventing all sorts of things that really are probably not even slightly related to reality.
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Reading through your past posts.. tough problem to solve.. maybe avoid trying to think about what he is thinking and try and sound him out on what you want.. or slowly start doing more of what you want..
 
zach20092 said:
Reading through your past posts.. tough problem to solve.. maybe avoid trying to think about what he is thinking and try and sound him out on what you want.. or slowly start doing more of what you want..
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Unfortunately, the 'more of what I want' comes up against the wall of 'things he definitely doesn't want'.
I am just going to ask him what he wants next time I see him, and propose the just seeing each other on Thursdays thing. The messaging in between is a pain, because I keep wanting it to go back to how it was for the first couple of months, but clearly that's not going to happen, so it would be easier for me if we just dispensed with that (except when it's necessary to cancel a particular Thursday).
If that's still not working for me, I'm going to give up. He's a great guy, and the sex is fucking awesome, but it's not worth me compromising myself over. Nothing is, really.
 
KimGordon67 said:
This just confirms my feeling that the Karl Urban one is much closer to the original source.
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Can't argue with you there. I need to find the source material and learn it, since I think the whole premise is very cool. Thanks for opening my eyes. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?!?

Now for your BF challenges, life's too short to make a square peg fit a round hole. I'm very much a people pleaser, but at some point I've found that I can't please everyone all the time. I've learned to accept that at some point I just have to let someone go. That usually opens up more time for me or to spend it with someone else. I don't know if any of this helps, if nothing else, maybe it will bring your thread back to the original topic. Hijack over. ;-)
 
JDredd711 said:
Can't argue with you there. I need to find the source material and learn it, since I think the whole premise is very cool. Thanks for opening my eyes. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?!?

Now for your BF challenges, life's too short to make a square peg fit a round hole. I'm very much a people pleaser, but at some point I've found that I can't please everyone all the time. I've learned to accept that at some point I just have to let someone go. That usually opens up more time for me or to spend it with someone else. I don't know if any of this helps, if nothing else, maybe it will bring your thread back to the original topic. Hijack over. ;-)
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Yeah, I'll see what happens. I'm vacillating wildly between being very optimistic that I can get something in place that actually works for me and we can go back to the excellent drinking&fucking once a week without me having to bother about anything the rest of time, and being fairly pessimistic and assuming it's all doomed. Luckily I know better than to actually act on any of this in the immediate term. I think my solution is pretty reasonable, and may actually work - I just need to stick with that.

Also, I'm actually at the point of being kind of bored with worrying about it. Time to focus on some other, more interesting stuff.
 
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KimGordon67 said:
Yeah, I'll see what happens. I'm vacillating wildly between being very optimistic that I can get something in place that actually works for me and we can go back to the excellent drinking&fucking once a week without me having to bother about anything the rest of time, and being fairly pessimistic and assuming it's all doomed. Luckily I know better than to actually act on any of this in the immediate term. I think my solution is pretty reasonable, and may actually work - I just need to stick with that.

Also, I'm actually at the point of being kind of bored with worrying about it. Time to focus on some other, more interesting stuff.
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I mean, who could pass up excellent drinking & fucking, even if only once a week. Hell, I'd do anything for even once a month.
 
KimGordon67 said:
What's super annoying about this whole situation is that it's impossible to know what's going on in someone else's head, and even more impossible if they don't actually communicate anything about that.
(I actually don't think there are gradations of impossibility, but I'm sure my point is still valid.)
I need to spend less time trying to work it out. I just end up inventing all sorts of things that really are probably not even slightly related to reality.
Click to expand...

I feel as though I could have written this. Sometimes I wish I could just know one way or another.
 
ultramarineblue said:
I feel as though I could have written this. Sometimes I wish I could just know one way or another.
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I know right? Although I also know I can let myself get wound up supertight about stuff like this, which ends up squeezing the life out of whatever it is that I'm fretting over - that can be quite destructive, and I'm honestly surprised those tendencies haven't screwed this thing up beyond redemption already. I'm working on that with my therapist, and I can see that there's some actual results.

I do wonder if I'd feel like this if the first couple of months hadn't been so ideal. And now that I've given up trying to get that back, is it actually possible to move into something that's not just different but 'less'? Maybe I just need to think about what could be good about that - the relative regularity and his openness allowing for some interesting explorations, the fact that we always have a laugh together, that I know he's not going to turn into a sociopath, that the sex is always easy and good and real. Ha - just writing that list has actually helped. And he must appreciate a lot of that stuff too.
 
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KimGordon67 said:
I know right? Although I also know I can let myself get wound up supertight about stuff like this, which ends up squeezing the life out of whatever it is that I'm fretting over - that can be quite destructive, and I'm honestly surprised those tendencies haven't screwed this thing up beyond redemption already. I'm working on that with my therapist, and I can see that there's some actual results.

I do wonder if I'd feel like this if the first couple of months hadn't been so ideal. And now that I've given up trying to get that back, is it actually possible to move into something that's not just different but 'less'? Maybe I just need to think about what could be good about that - the relative regularity and his openness allowing for some interesting explorations, the fact that we always have a laugh together, that I know he's not going to turn into a sociopath, that the sex is always easy and good and real. Ha - just writing that list has actually helped. And he must appreciate a lot of that stuff too.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you have someone really special.
 
This whole over thinking things seems to be going around. The thing I'm learning is to just let things be or I'll twist myself in knots wondering, wanting more explanations, needing to label things. I wonder if it's my way of trying to control the uncontrollable??

I think it was Paul Chance who wrote about having no expectations, especially in a poly relationship. I've been trying to apply this to myself in so many situations. Especially matters of the heart. The more I try to wrap my hands around slippery things like FEELINGS, the crazier I make myself.

Sometimes I expect a certain response to something (like I send a flirty text or send a sexy picture) and when don't get the response I've created in my head, my brain starts down the rabbit hole of insecurity.

I'm in a new'ish long distance relationship. We are having a great time. It seems, though, I always want to know MORE. Where are we headed? What is he feeling? The thing is, he has told me. Either I don't believe him. Or I don't trust me. Or ??? I'm feeling insecure? I don't know.

Over analyzing is an exhausting hobby.

I've decided to try to enjoy this. Believe what he's told me. Communicate when I'm feeling something's off. And just let all the rest of it go.

Either it's going to work or it's not. I can only control me.
 
cookiecat said:
This whole over thinking things seems to be going around. The thing I'm learning is to just let things be or I'll twist myself in knots wondering, wanting more explanations, needing to label things. I wonder if it's my way of trying to control the uncontrollable??

I think it was Paul Chance who wrote about having no expectations, especially in a poly relationship. I've been trying to apply this to myself in so many situations. Especially matters of the heart. The more I try to wrap my hands around slippery things like FEELINGS, the crazier I make myself.

Sometimes I expect a certain response to something (like I send a flirty text or send a sexy picture) and when don't get the response I've created in my head, my brain starts down the rabbit hole of insecurity.

I'm in a new'ish long distance relationship. We are having a great time. It seems, though, I always want to know MORE. Where are we headed? What is he feeling? The thing is, he has told me. Either I don't believe him. Or I don't trust me. Or ??? I'm feeling insecure? I don't know.

Over analyzing is an exhausting hobby.

I've decided to try to enjoy this. Believe what he's told me. Communicate when I'm feeling something's off. And just let all the rest of it go.

Either it's going to work or it's not. I can only control me.
Click to expand...

I could have written almost every single one of these sentences.

I do think recognising these feelings is a step forward though. Once upon a time I would have just been going in, all guns blazing, determined to MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER (i.e. change the other person into what I thought they should be). Now I know that's not only impossible, but also really destructive. Even doing it by stealth is stupid ... some of my friends have said 'he obviously does like you - if you give it time, he'll change to be more [insert whatever they think he should be here]'. But I know the only thing I can do is accept things for what they are, on the basis of them being that, not because I'm hoping they might change if I'm just sexy enough, tenacious enough, loving enough, casual enough, whatever. The only thing I really have control over is whether I decide that things, as they are now, are good for me or not. Maybe with a tiny bit of tweaking ... although as someone said further up, if he's not prepared to flex a tiny bit (i.e. be OK with making the Thursday thing a regular fixture), do I really want to keep on with things? I guess I'll just cross that bridge if I come to that - no point expending energy on developing a response to something that might never happen.

Imagining responses, events, outcome etc is such a minefield. I had a funny moment yesterday where I realised I slip into these little fantasies sometimes ... like 'what if he turned up now out of the blue and did this and that would be great' ... and then tell myself 'well, I've imagined it now, so clearly it'll never actually happen'. Like I've literally taught myself to assume that the things I want will never materialise. Oh ... that's a good little nugget to take to therapy!

I also need to remind myself that this (whoever 'this' is) guy is not the last guy I'm ever going to meet who I like and who likes me. I think sometimes I worry that there might not be any other guys out there, so I better not lose 'this' one. Which is patently ridiculous.
 
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A relationship should be easy.

Right?

I remember this line from Sex and the City:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBnKeeFPx9g

the test of a good relationship. If we're making frowny faces more than we're smiling, maybe it's not the right thing??


I feel like we should hug. Or have a couple beers and toast to relationships that make us smile
 
cookiecat said:
A relationship should be easy.

Right?

I remember this line from Sex and the City:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBnKeeFPx9g

the test of a good relationship. If we're making frowny faces more than we're smiling, maybe it's not the right thing??


I feel like we should hug. Or have a couple beers and toast to relationships that make us smile
Click to expand...

Both of those things.

I'm hoping to get back to this one being easy and fun, without the frowns
 
KimGordon67 said:
I know right? Although I also know I can let myself get wound up supertight about stuff like this, which ends up squeezing the life out of whatever it is that I'm fretting over - that can be quite destructive, and I'm honestly surprised those tendencies haven't screwed this thing up beyond redemption already. I'm working on that with my therapist, and I can see that there's some actual results.

I do wonder if I'd feel like this if the first couple of months hadn't been so ideal. And now that I've given up trying to get that back, is it actually possible to move into something that's not just different but 'less'? Maybe I just need to think about what could be good about that - the relative regularity and his openness allowing for some interesting explorations, the fact that we always have a laugh together, that I know he's not going to turn into a sociopath, that the sex is always easy and good and real. Ha - just writing that list has actually helped. And he must appreciate a lot of that stuff too.
Click to expand...

I have trouble with wanting more sometimes and not being good with what I have. What I have actually fits my life really well and I think that maybe I don't really want more but that I was just getting caught up in the excitement of something new. I like the simplicity of what I have. I am not always good at this but I have gotten better at being more laid back with things.
 
I messaged today to see if we were catching up tomorrow (i.e. the fairly usual Thursday), and just got 'not tomorrow sorry other stuff going on'. No 'maybe next week' or anything else, including not asking how the funeral was that he knew I was going to today. After utterly mono-syllabic responses to the couple of other messages (one of which was just some porn) that I sent in the last 7 days.

The sex might be great, but honestly, I deserve a bit better than that. I give up. If he wants to see me, he can just make a bit of a fucking effort. If he can't be arsed making an effort, then he obviously doesn't really want to see me. At the moment, I'd really rather be on my own drinking wine and watching Kate Winslet look dowdy.
 
KimGordon67 said:
I messaged today to see if we were catching up tomorrow (i.e. the fairly usual Thursday), and just got 'not tomorrow sorry other stuff going on'. No 'maybe next week' or anything else, including not asking how the funeral was that he knew I was going to today. After utterly mono-syllabic responses to the couple of other messages (one of which was just some porn) that I sent in the last 7 days.

The sex might be great, but honestly, I deserve a bit better than that. I give up. If he wants to see me, he can just make a bit of a fucking effort. If he can't be arsed making an effort, then he obviously doesn't really want to see me. At the moment, I'd really rather be on my own drinking wine and watching Kate Winslet look dowdy.
Click to expand...

Hey, you can send me Porn and I promise to reply with more than just one syllable. Actually, you don't even need to send porn.
 
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