Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

In a less than awesome turn of events, I discovered a couple of days that my last proper boyfriend moved to my tiny beachside town last weekend. (This is the guy I had the four-year difficult relationship with, who's reaction to me finishing things for the last time was two suicide attempts, followed by a week of threatening to kill himself over the Christmas period ... and yes, I know I sound like a bitch for articulating it like this, but trust me, he was totally using this as a way of getting to me. And it worked. I was fucked for months.)

I honestly don't know why he would have moved here, other than to make some stupid fucking point. He doesn't work anywhere near here, he has no friends here (although he has no friends anywhere, so that's a bit irrelevant) and the rents are outrageous, assuming you can even find a rental. He was threatening moved here over a year ago, but I just ignored that, assuming he'd never find a place. He must have spent the whole time since then trying to get something, and finally did.

I'm so angry. It took me nearly a year to stop feeling like I had to lock everything all the time in case he took it into his head to turn up here, and now I have to go back to doing that. And I will inevitably bump into him in town at some point. Honestly, wtf is wrong with some people.

 

[Goldenfinger]

In a less than awesome turn of events, I discovered a couple of days that my last proper boyfriend moved to my tiny beachside town last weekend. (This is the guy I had the four-year difficult relationship with, who's reaction to me finishing things for the last time was two suicide attempts, followed by a week of threatening to kill himself over the Christmas period ... and yes, I know I sound like a bitch for articulating it like this, but trust me, he was totally using this as a way of getting to me. And it worked. I was fucked for months.)

I honestly don't know why he would have moved here, other than to make some stupid fucking point. He doesn't work anywhere near here, he has no friends here (although he has no friends anywhere, so that's a bit irrelevant) and the rents are outrageous, assuming you can even find a rental. He was threatening moved here over a year ago, but I just ignored that, assuming he'd never find a place. He must have spent the whole time since then trying to get something, and finally did.

I'm so angry. It took me nearly a year to stop feeling like I had to lock everything all the time in case he took it into his head to turn up here, and now I have to go back to doing that. And I will inevitably bump into him in town at some point. Honestly, wtf is wrong with some people.

There’s a lot wrong.

 

[KimGordon67]

There’s a lot wrong.

Actually, I pretty much know what's wrong with him. Unfortunately that doesn't make it any better having him in my tiny town.

 

[KimGordon67]

Can I just say, again (although it hasn't been said for a while), if anyone is reading this and feels the need to make judgemental comments about the choices I've made and the experiences I've had, maybe consider keeping them to yourself. Almost no one on Lit is exactly angelic - almost all of us have done things that are questionable. I'm clearly quite capable of making up my own mind about how advisable my actions are, and I'm clearly quite reflective about that. I seriously do not need some stranger on the internet telling me what I'm doing wrong.

(***This is not directed at anyone who's commented in this thread recently.)

 

[AngelicaS1780]

In a less than awesome turn of events, I discovered a couple of days that my last proper boyfriend moved to my tiny beachside town last weekend. <snip>
I'm so angry. It took me nearly a year to stop feeling like I had to lock everything all the time in case he took it into his head to turn up here, and now I have to go back to doing that. And I will inevitably bump into him in town at some point. Honestly, wtf is wrong with some people.

I am so sorry to hear about this Kim. Just when you were finally feeling free of him.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Can I just say, again (although it hasn't been said for a while), if anyone is reading this and feels the need to make judgemental comments about the choices I've made and the experiences I've had, maybe consider keeping them to yourself. Almost no one on Lit is exactly angelic - almost all of us have done things that are questionable. I'm clearly quite capable of making up my own mind about how advisable my actions are, and I'm clearly quite reflective about that. I seriously do not need some stranger on the internet telling me what I'm doing wrong.

(***This is not directed at anyone who's commented in this thread recently.)

I really hope no one is sending you PMs being shitty.

 

[KimGordon67]

I am so sorry to hear about this Kim. Just when you were finally feeling free of him.

He hasn't been in touch at all, which is good. And I'm feeling less shaky than I was when I first found out. It's just annoying more than anything else. I got myself a little indoor security camera the other day which I'll have going when I'm not around for the weekend etc, just to make sure he's not in my house. I'm sleeping pretty well, which suggests that I'm not overly anxious, so that's good.

 

[KimGordon67]

I really hope no one is sending you PMs being shitty.

It was a bit of a misunderstanding, not helped by me having been a bit on edge this week. Resolved now. Thanks.

 

[ultramarineblue]

It was a bit of a misunderstanding, not helped by me having been a bit on edge this week. Resolved now. Thanks.

I'm glad it is resolved. I hope that the ex decides moving there was a bad idea and moves somewhere else.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm glad it is resolved. I hope that the ex decides moving there was a bad idea and moves somewhere else.

I can't see that happening too quickly - he doesn't have a lot of resources, and I'm kind of puzzled as to how he managed to get a place here. However, it is the bottom part of house, with the upper part being an AirBnB, and I know he (a) plays really loud music all the time and (b) would absolutely hate having people walking over his head, and having to deal with different people every weekend and (c) is completely useless at keeping his home clean and tidy. So possibly he'll just get evicted before too long.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I can't see that happening too quickly - he doesn't have a lot of resources, and I'm kind of puzzled as to how he managed to get a place here. However, it is the bottom part of house, with the upper part being an AirBnB, and I know he (a) plays really loud music all the time and (b) would absolutely hate having people walking over his head, and having to deal with different people every weekend and (c) is completely useless at keeping his home clean and tidy. So possibly he'll just get evicted before too long.

Fingers crossed for you!

 

[KimGordon67]

Well, the psycho ex doesn't seem to have gotten in touch, so that's good news. I'm sure he will, but I'm feeling much less freaked out about the whole situation now, so when he shows up, I can just get rid of him without it being a huge emotional drama for me.


Getting over the local guy doesn't seem to be being so easy. After the last exchange of messages we had a couple of weeks ago, I have worked out that he wants things to be a very particular way, and he's not prepared to budge on that, even a couple of millimeters, so as to make it work for me as well. I probably could get him back here and imagine that I might just get him to change his position using my feminine wiles or whatever, but I'm really not going to play that game. Either he thinks it's worth making a tiny compromise, or he doesn't - clearly he doesn't. I am doing a good job of not sending angsty messages (lol - I seem to remember saying that a while back, and then ended sending an angsty message anyway).
But fuck I miss him. I wasn't really prepared for this, and I don't really know what to do about it. I'm literally sitting around pining. Ugh. I guess because nothing really *bad* happened, I'm not in the 'well, thank god that's out of my life' state that so often marks the end of relationships. And obviously it's better that nothing bad happened ... but this sucks. Really sucks.
I'll getting a lot busier at work in a couple of weeks, so hopefully it'll improve then. Because this is no fucking fun at all. I'm not crying, which I guess is good ... just moping around wishing there was something I could do to change things. And then feeling pathetic because I'm moping around.

 

[KimGordon67]

Ha ... in a further epiphany, I realise that it's been a while since someone I genuinely liked just wasn't that into me. Maybe I also need to get over myself a bit, and be ok with the fact that not every single guy is going to fall over themselves to get naked with me. I suppose I was a bit confused by the two or three months of love-bombing at the beginning, but obviously he just eventually lost interest ... which has certainly happened to me, and quite recently.
I still think it's dumb, but he's entitled to be dumb if that works for him.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Well, the psycho ex doesn't seem to have gotten in touch, so that's good news. I'm sure he will, but I'm feeling much less freaked out about the whole situation now, so when he shows up, I can just get rid of him without it being a huge emotional drama for me.


Getting over the local guy doesn't seem to be being so easy. After the last exchange of messages we had a couple of weeks ago, I have worked out that he wants things to be a very particular way, and he's not prepared to budge on that, even a couple of millimeters, so as to make it work for me as well. I probably could get him back here and imagine that I might just get him to change his position using my feminine wiles or whatever, but I'm really not going to play that game. Either he thinks it's worth making a tiny compromise, or he doesn't - clearly he doesn't. I am doing a good job of not sending angsty messages (lol - I seem to remember saying that a while back, and then ended sending an angsty message anyway).
But fuck I miss him. I wasn't really prepared for this, and I don't really know what to do about it. I'm literally sitting around pining. Ugh. I guess because nothing really *bad* happened, I'm not in the 'well, thank god that's out of my life' state that so often marks the end of relationships. And obviously it's better that nothing bad happened ... but this sucks. Really sucks.
I'll getting a lot busier at work in a couple of weeks, so hopefully it'll improve then. Because this is no fucking fun at all. I'm not crying, which I guess is good ... just moping around wishing there was something I could do to change things. And then feeling pathetic because I'm moping around.

It is his loss. I have a lot of trouble with things that seem great for both ending or not happening much. There is a guy I have hung out with that I would definitely like to hang out with more but not get serious or anything. It doesn't really happen and I'm not trying to make it happen any more. I wish I could say something that made it easier. I tend to overthink and obsess and wish things were different.

Have you heard from the new possibilities lately?

 

[Shenanigans90]

In my honest opinion you need to decide if it hurts more to be with him on his terms or without him on your terms. You are obviously smitten by him so maybe letting yourself enjoy the fun times without expectations is something to consider. I hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve one way or another.

 

[KimGordon67]

It is his loss. I have a lot of trouble with things that seem great for both ending or not happening much. There is a guy I have hung out with that I would definitely like to hang out with more but not get serious or anything. It doesn't really happen and I'm not trying to make it happen any more. I wish I could say something that made it easier. I tend to overthink and obsess and wish things were different.

Have you heard from the new possibilities lately?

Yeah, eventually you just have to think 'well, if they can't be arsed making a tiny bit of effort, I guess it just doesn't matter to them that much'. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. The one thing I am pleased about is that I'm not going over every exchange with a fine toothed comb trying to work out what I did 'wrong'. I possibly could have handled one or two moments a bit better, but honestly, I doubt it would have made any difference ... I didn't do anything 'wrong' apart from just not being the person he wanted. I made reasonable compromises, and I was (eventually) clear about the minimal change I needed to make things work. I'm fine with that ... there's literally nothing more I could have done other than continuing not having so much fun in the hope that things would magically improve, and I'm just not prepared to do that.

And yes! I'm taking a road trip in three weeks or so to meet up with WG. I'm trying to not over-invest in that, in case we don't get on in person, or in case the sex is not great. However, all signs are positive, and even if it doesn't work out, we're both adult enough to be OK about that.

And the couple I mentioned a few posts back are in touch relatively regularly. It may be some time before we can co-ordinate things so we can meet up, but no one is in a rush.

 

[KimGordon67]

In my honest opinion you need to decide if it hurts more to be with him on his terms or without him on your terms. You are obviously smitten by him so maybe letting yourself enjoy the fun times without expectations is something to consider. I hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve one way or another.

Ha ... yes. But this is easier than dealing with being him and not having a clue where I stood for months. I know myself well enough to know that how I feel isn't going to change, no matter how much I want it to, unless something else in my life shifts ... possibly if I have another thing going on, I could be less invested in this thing (although I'm dubious it would work like that - I keep things pretty compartmentalised, and whatever might be going on with someone else is unlikely to affect how I feel about this local guy).

And yes, I definitely ended up liking him way more than I should have in the circumstances. That's partly his fault, because of the love-bombing, although I don't think it was intentional. However, if he'd been more reserved from the get-go, things probably would have been different ... but that's not what happened, so here we are.

I'll be fine. This is just a process. It just surprised me how much I miss him ... and I'm not backing down. What I need is neither huge nor unreasonable, and I made similarly small and reasonable concessions for him. It's definitely not worth being in a 'relationship' in which one person calls ALL the shots - that would just make me way more miserable than I am now.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Yeah, eventually you just have to think 'well, if they can't be arsed making a tiny bit of effort, I guess it just doesn't matter to them that much'. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. The one thing I am pleased about is that I'm not going over every exchange with a fine toothed comb trying to work out what I did 'wrong'. I possibly could have handled one or two moments a bit better, but honestly, I doubt it would have made any difference ... I didn't do anything 'wrong' apart from just not being the person he wanted. I made reasonable compromises, and I was (eventually) clear about the minimal change I needed to make things work. I'm fine with that ... there's literally nothing more I could have done other than continuing not having so much fun in the hope that things would magically improve, and I'm just not prepared to do that.

And yes! I'm taking a road trip in three weeks or so to meet up with WG. I'm trying to not over-invest in that, in case we don't get on in person, or in case the sex is not great. However, all signs are positive, and even if it doesn't work out, we're both adult enough to be OK about that.

And the couple I mentioned a few posts back are in touch relatively regularly. It may be some time before we can co-ordinate things so we can meet up, but no one is in a rush.

It is always awesome to make improvements. I think a lot of people, myself included, aren't always sure about what they really want and I try to figure it out so that I can be completely transparent with people.

I'm glad that you have some possibilities. I completely understand not getting hopes up though. Even knowing what you're after for the most part doesn't make it easy. Sometimes you click and other times you don't. (Which is why I struggle with why the guy I mentioned isn't interested in something even slightly regular.) I hope that it will at least be fun even if it isn't something you want to continue.

 

[KimGordon67]

It is always awesome to make improvements. I think a lot of people, myself included, aren't always sure about what they really want and I try to figure it out so that I can be completely transparent with people.

I'm glad that you have some possibilities. I completely understand not getting hopes up though. Even knowing what you're after for the most part doesn't make it easy. Sometimes you click and other times you don't. (Which is why I struggle with why the guy I mentioned isn't interested in something even slightly regular.) I hope that it will at least be fun even if it isn't something you want to continue.

Ha - I could have literally written this bolded bit, word for word, about my local guys. WTF is wrong with them???

I'm actually pretty optimistic about WG. We've gotten on well in Skype chats, and he's MUCH more open to talking about stuff and making sure everyone is happy and on the same page. Like, if I said to him 'let's make every Thursday regular but cancellable', I'm 95% certain he would either say 'sure - that sounds like a great way of making sure everyone's needs are met', or alternatively 'that wouldn't really work for me, but how about this other idea that could meet the same purpose'.
(This won't happen because he's over 600km away, so we definitely won't be seeing each other every Thursday, but the principle is certainly solid.)
Instead of what the local guy did, which was to say 'no - I know that's selfish, but no'. Oh ... and then suggested that maybe we need a break.

I also know a few people who know WG (it's a very small country here), and reviews are universally favourable. The only real issue I can see is that he clearly has a propensity for falling in love, and I'm not sure that would really work. But we'll see how things go.

 

[Paul_Chance]

An acquaintance of mine calls it "menu sharing".

As the basic level, a working relationship is:

"Do you want to try A?" and the response is "I'm not a fan of A, how about B?"

The two other options are:

"Do you want to try A?" "No."
"Do you want to try B?" "No."
"Do you want to try C?" "No."

And

"Do you want to try A?" and "No, we're having B."

When something is suggested and the person responds by suggesting an alternative - that says a lot about the relationship.

It's like a pet peeve of mine - when that goes like this:

"What do you want for dinner?"
"I don't care."
"Let's get Italian."
"Pasta makes me fat."
"How about Chinese."
"Eww, I don't like Chinese."
"Well what do you want?"
"I don't care."

 

[ultramarineblue]

Ha - I could have literally written this bolded bit, word for word, about my local guys. WTF is wrong with them???

I'm actually pretty optimistic about WG. We've gotten on well in Skype chats, and he's MUCH more open to talking about stuff and making sure everyone is happy and on the same page. Like, if I said to him 'let's make every Thursday regular but cancellable', I'm 95% certain he would either say 'sure - that sounds like a great way of making sure everyone's needs are met', or alternatively 'that wouldn't really work for me, but how about this other idea that could meet the same purpose'.
(This won't happen because he's over 600km away, so we definitely won't be seeing each other every Thursday, but the principle is certainly solid.)
Instead of what the local guy did, which was to say 'no - I know that's selfish, but no'. Oh ... and then suggested that maybe we need a break.

I also know a few people who know WG (it's a very small country here), and reviews are universally favourable. The only real issue I can see is that he clearly has a propensity for falling in love, and I'm not sure that would really work. But we'll see how things go.

I have trouble understanding people that aren't willing to compromise on even one thing or willing to find a different solution that works for both. I think the local guy and the one I have/had are so similar. He started off giving a lot of attention but backed away when I showed more interest. He's been open about the fact that his divorce from his first wife messed him up though. Sometimes I think with him it is more about the new and playing games that he likes. I'm not nearly as involved or invested now. I heard from him about a month ago and we were going to meet but then I think weather messed up plans.

Hopefully he won't fall in love and everything will be really good. I had one guy that I saw for a while that talked about how falling in love was not an option. The sex was amazing and the conversations were amazing so there was definitely potential for developing feelings. I liked that we talked about how it was not an option though. It kept everything clear and in the open.

 

[KimGordon67]

An acquaintance of mine calls it "menu sharing".

As the basic level, a working relationship is:

"Do you want to try A?" and the response is "I'm not a fan of A, how about B?"

The two other options are:

"Do you want to try A?" "No."
"Do you want to try B?" "No."
"Do you want to try C?" "No."

And

"Do you want to try A?" and "No, we're having B."

When something is suggested and the person responds by suggesting an alternative - that says a lot about the relationship.

It's like a pet peeve of mine - when that goes like this:

"What do you want for dinner?"
"I don't care."
"Let's get Italian."
"Pasta makes me fat."
"How about Chinese."
"Eww, I don't like Chinese."
"Well what do you want?"
"I don't care."

Yes, the menu sharing idea is brilliant. It was a bit of trend for the last couple of months of this thing actually. Like, I'd say 'Shall we catch up this Thursday' and he's just say 'I'm busy' - not alternative option. That was really a large part of what unsettled me. I know it's meant to be casual, but I just needed some sense that we definitely were going to be seeing each other again.

Sigh.

 

[IrisAlthea]

An acquaintance of mine calls it "menu sharing".

As the basic level, a working relationship is:

"Do you want to try A?" and the response is "I'm not a fan of A, how about B?"

The two other options are:

"Do you want to try A?" "No."
"Do you want to try B?" "No."
"Do you want to try C?" "No."

And

"Do you want to try A?" and "No, we're having B."

When something is suggested and the person responds by suggesting an alternative - that says a lot about the relationship.

It's like a pet peeve of mine - when that goes like this:

"What do you want for dinner?"
"I don't care."
"Let's get Italian."
"Pasta makes me fat."
"How about Chinese."
"Eww, I don't like Chinese."
"Well what do you want?"
"I don't care."

Heh, this is so spot on.

It can really be a great frustration with some people - deciding on what to eat or what movie to watch…
I really don’t have much of a problem with those who want it their way and can state both this fact and their choice. I’m mostly fine with being the one to choose too.
It’s the ones that do want the final say but can’t admit it, that make me feel annoyed, manipulated and wanting to leave.

 

[KimGordon67]

Heh, this is so spot on.

It can really be a great frustration with some people - deciding on what to eat or what movie to watch…
I really don’t have much of a problem with those who want it their way and can state both this fact and their choice. I’m mostly fine with being the one to choose too.
It’s the ones that do want the final say but can’t admit it, that make me feel annoyed, manipulated and wanting to leave.

My standard response when someone says they'll get me a drink and asks what I want is 'Surprise me! ... but don't surprise me with beer or whiskey'.

 

[KimGordon67]

I have trouble understanding people that aren't willing to compromise on even one thing or willing to find a different solution that works for both. I think the local guy and the one I have/had are so similar. He started off giving a lot of attention but backed away when I showed more interest. He's been open about the fact that his divorce from his first wife messed him up though. Sometimes I think with him it is more about the new and playing games that he likes. I'm not nearly as involved or invested now. I heard from him about a month ago and we were going to meet but then I think weather messed up plans.

Hopefully he won't fall in love and everything will be really good. I had one guy that I saw for a while that talked about how falling in love was not an option. The sex was amazing and the conversations were amazing so there was definitely potential for developing feelings. I liked that we talked about how it was not an option though. It kept everything clear and in the open.

Honestly, I just want to know that someone wants me. That should be so difficult, surely.