Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[wicked woman]

The sex might be great, but honestly, I deserve a bit better than that. I give up. If he wants to see me, he can just make a bit of a fucking effort. If he can't be arsed making an effort, then he obviously doesn't really want to see me. At the moment, I'd really rather be on my own drinking wine and watching Kate Winslet look dowdy.

Quoted for truth.

 

[LizVegas79]

I messaged today to see if we were catching up tomorrow (i.e. the fairly usual Thursday), and just got 'not tomorrow sorry other stuff going on'. No 'maybe next week' or anything else, including not asking how the funeral was that he knew I was going to today. After utterly mono-syllabic responses to the couple of other messages (one of which was just some porn) that I sent in the last 7 days.

The sex might be great, but honestly, I deserve a bit better than that. I give up. If he wants to see me, he can just make a bit of a fucking effort. If he can't be arsed making an effort, then he obviously doesn't really want to see me. At the moment, I'd really rather be on my own drinking wine and watching Kate Winslet look dowdy.

Don't let someone mistreat you emotionally, sweetie!

That's usually even worse than getting hit because you aren't quite sure when it's time to leave or not.

It sounds to me like the mystery of why his behavior towards you has changed isn't worth trying to read to the end of the book to find out why. You're not in too deep yet so give him the space he seems to want. In a few weeks, it will be the space YOU need to forget him and move on - even if he makes an effort to win you back, which I bet he will.

But, by then, it will be easier for you to NOT fall back into the crappy, one-sided relationship dynamic you seem to have with this guy.

The world is opening up in a thousand new ways everyday now.

Go out and find a new distraction. Chances are, there's a distraction out there who DOES want to be with you and talk to you and understand you and comfort you.

Believe in that and you'll find it easier to believe in yourself. I promise.

 

[KimGordon67]

Don't let someone mistreat you emotionally, sweetie!

That's usually even worse than getting hit because you aren't quite sure when it's time to leave or not.

It sounds to me like the mystery of why his behavior towards you has changed isn't worth trying to read to the end of the book to find out why. You're not in too deep yet so give him the space he seems to want. In a few weeks, it will be the space YOU need to forget him and move on - even if he makes an effort to win you back, which I bet he will.

But, by then, it will be easier for you to NOT fall back into the crappy, one-sided relationship dynamic you seem to have with this guy.

The world is opening up in a thousand new ways everyday now.

Go out and find a new distraction. Chances are, there's a distraction out there who DOES want to be with you and talk to you and understand you and comfort you.

Believe in that and you'll find it easier to believe in yourself. I promise.

I don't really feel like I'm being emotionally mistreated - I honestly don't think he cares enough for that to be happening. He's just doing things how he wants to do them, and there's no give in that. I honestly think he either just finds people who are OK with that, or he's fine being on his own. I just don't happen to be OK with that - I prefer people who have a bit of empathy and give a fuck about the other human beings they choose to be around.

Honestly, I seriously don't know why he doesn't just pay for sex, if that's the level he wants it at. Then he wouldn't have to make small talk and pretend to like anyone.

 

[LizVegas79]

I don't really feel like I'm being emotionally mistreated - I honestly don't think he cares enough for that to be happening. He's just doing things how he wants to do them, and there's no give in that. I honestly think he either just finds people who are OK with that, or he's fine being on his own. I just don't happen to be OK with that - I prefer people who have a bit of empathy and give a fuck about the other human beings they choose to be around.

Honestly, I seriously don't know why he doesn't just pay for sex, if that's the level he wants it at. Then he wouldn't have to make small talk and pretend to like anyone.

Well there are certainly people like that in the world too. It sounds to me like you are tired of compromising what you want and what you believe in just to be in his orbit. Being in his orbit sounds awful! If I was you I would run, run, run!!! (or at least not answer his text the next time he's horny lol)

 

[KimGordon67]

Well there are certainly people like that in the world too. It sounds to me like you are tired of compromising what you want and what you believe in just to be in his orbit. Being in his orbit sounds awful! If I was you I would run, run, run!!! (or at least not answer his text the next time he's horny lol)

I thought I might just send him a link to the nearest escort service when that happens.

But yeah. I was happy for two or three months, but it's just stopped being fun. I can't fix that on my own and he doesn't seem inclined to do anything about it. As Cookie said, if there's more frowns than smiles, and if that can't be changed, it's time to move on.

 

[KimGordon67]

So yes, I seem to have found not one but two distractions, and have in the last 24 hours made lose arrangements to see them both in the coming weeks. (They're both out of town, in different directions, so it's a little logistically tricky, but nothing insurmountable.) One is someone I've been chatting with for a few weeks, the other is more recent.

I was wondering this morning if I should let the local guy know I'm done. One of the benefits of being the only person making an effort is that when you're over it, all you *really* need to do is stop making the effort and it all just dissolves. Which is much easier, and I'm really a bit over sending 'serious' messages.
I am super-tempted to actually be a bit bitchy (because I'm now slightly irritated, rather than sad), but then I remembered he's the only person in the whole area who does the specific kind of building-related work that he does, and I'm likely to need some of that done sometime soonish, so probably best to not completely alienate him. Bloody small towns.

ETA ... also, the being a bit bitchy thing isn't really me. He hasn't really done anything particularly *bad*, just been a dick.

 

[AloneTooLong]

Kim, I would not bother with letting local guy know you are done; if he gets around to contacting you then maybe just let him know you are no longer available, perhaps hint or say someone else in your life now.

 

[KimGordon67]

Kim, I would not bother with letting local guy know you are done; if he gets around to contacting you then maybe just let him know you are no longer available, perhaps hint or say someone else in your life now.

That would be a bit of a lie. And also not super relevant because neither of us are monogamous.

 

[IrisAlthea]

So yes, I seem to have found not one but two distractions, and have in the last 24 hours made lose arrangements to see them both in the coming weeks. (They're both out of town, in different directions, so it's a little logistically tricky, but nothing insurmountable.) One is someone I've been chatting with for a few weeks, the other is more recent.

I was wondering this morning if I should let the local guy know I'm done. One of the benefits of being the only person making an effort is that when you're over it, all you *really* need to do is stop making the effort and it all just dissolves. Which is much easier, and I'm really a bit over sending 'serious' messages.
I am super-tempted to actually be a bit bitchy (because I'm now slightly irritated, rather than sad), but then I remembered he's the only person in the whole area who does the specific kind of building-related work that he does, and I'm likely to need some of that done sometime soonish, so probably best to not completely alienate him. Bloody small towns.

ETA ... also, the being a bit bitchy thing isn't really me. He hasn't really done anything particularly *bad*, just been a dick.

Was going to say more or less what you wrote in your edit.
I haven’t read back that far, but from what I have read, it seems to be more about mismatched expectations and a misleading burst of new relationship energy on his side.
Personally I wouldn’t torch any bridges, but then I very rarely do so apply salt to taste of course.

 

[KimGordon67]

Was going to say more or less what you wrote in your edit.
I haven’t read back that far, but from what I have read, it seems to be more about mismatched expectations and a misleading burst of new relationship energy on his side.
Personally I wouldn’t torch any bridges, but then I very rarely do so apply salt to taste of course.

He is being a bit of a dick. But not egregiously so. And yes, I'm not really a bridge burner either, except in exceptional circumstances.

 

[Dreamliner]

I am passing through on 52 this week KG. I have the cabmerlot, you can bring the lamb shanks. No BS, no over thinking, bring a laugh.

 

[KimGordon67]

I am passing through on 52 this week KG. I have the cabmerlot, you can bring the lamb shanks. No BS, no over thinking, bring a laugh.

Sadly not available this weekend. ☹

 

[AngelicaS1780]

...I was wondering this morning if I should let the local guy know I'm done. One of the benefits of being the only person making an effort is that when you're over it, all you *really* need to do is stop making the effort and it all just dissolves. Which is much easier, and I'm really a bit over sending 'serious' messages...

I don’t think it’s necessary to message this guy again. I don’t think it’s worth your time or energy. You both have a pretty good idea where the other person is at. Just my opinion. Have fun being distracted.

 

[Shenanigans90]

I was wondering this morning if I should let the local guy know I'm done. One of the benefits of being the only person making an effort is that when you're over it, all you *really* need to do is stop making the effort and it all just dissolves. Which is much easier, and I'm really a bit over sending 'serious' messages.

I would not contact the local guy. You have made several attempts to make this relationship work. You have a lot to offer and you need to find someone who will put some effort into spending quality time with you. I didn’t know there was a single man alive that would pass up a night of drinking and great sex without commitment. I will be interested to see if he messages you after he hasn’t heard from you in a while. The he who cares the least wins, theory. Have fun with your distractions.

 

[KimGordon67]

I was wondering this morning if I should let the local guy know I'm done. One of the benefits of being the only person making an effort is that when you're over it, all you *really* need to do is stop making the effort and it all just dissolves. Which is much easier, and I'm really a bit over sending 'serious' messages.

I would not contact the local guy. You have made several attempts to make this relationship work. You have a lot to offer and you need to find someone who will put some effort into spending quality time with you. I didn’t know there was a single man alive that would pass up a night of drinking and great sex without commitment. I will be interested to see if he messages you after he hasn’t heard from you in a while. The he who cares the least wins, theory. Have fun with your distractions.

Yeah, this is pretty much where I'm at. I guess he either cares so little about the drinking&fucking that he can't be arsed putting in any effort, or he has a better option. Either way, time to cut my losses and move on. I would be surprised if I do hear from him ... but I often am surprised. At least I feel like I've got a bit more control over things at the moment ... well, over my own responses to things at least. It's always good when I can move from the 'wah wah wah what am I doing wrong' phase to the 'I'm actually worth a bit better than this crap' phase.

 

[KimGordon67]

Ha ha ... in a 'it never rains, it pours' turn of events, the last 48 hours have been a bit weird.

Guy #1 - let's call him DW, for reasons that make sense to me ... I started communicating with him through the local swingers site a while back. We've been chatting off and on for a couple of months. He's a fair distance away, although in a city in which I have a lot of friends and am happy to visit. He's the one who wanted a Skype coffee date, which we still haven't managed to organise, for various reasons. We seem to have ramped things up a level or two though. Yesterday (or the day before maybe?) I suggested I could meet up with him in July - he's playing some gigs in an area that's a little closer to me. He was pretty enthusiastic about the idea ... so nice to have someone being a bit enthusiastic about me!

Guy #2 - WG, again for reasons that make sense to me. We 'met' on Tinder a couple of weeks ago. He's pretty forthright - not in a confrontational way, just in that confident 'I know what I like, and I like you' way. We have a lot of mutual ground - again, the connection started with talking about music. He's also very definitely poly, so gets all that without me having to explain a million things. And, I think, quite kinky. He's proposed a lunch date in my town in three weeks (three weeks from tomorrow, actually), and see how things go from there.

Guy #3 ... I'm not really sure if this is a goer, so I haven't given him a nickname yet. One message on Tinder - he's in my town next weekend (which is a long weekend) with a bunch of friends all staying together and suggested that I might like to join them for a drink. I'll see what happens there.

And then, completely unexpectedly, I got a long involved message from a couple that I also matched with on Tinder - we exchanged a few messages a while back, and then I deleted my Tinder account without having another contact for them, but it didn't feel like it was going to go anywhere. When I revived my Tinder account last week, we matched again, and then I got a very lengthy message from the guy explaining what they were looking for ... and I'm definitely interested. They seem like they've got their shit together, they've communicated with each other properly, and they're looking for someone a bit ongoing, with some connection. So I'm VERY intrigued to see what happens there. They're also my people - in fact, I'm pretty sure I know him from somewhere.

What I like about all of these situations is that they all are communicating clearly about what they're like, what they're wanting, and what they like about me. I feel like I'm on much more solid ground. It's extremely unlikely they'll all turn into anything, but it's nice to feel a bit of enthusiasm again.

 

[KimGordon67]

The other thing that's improved my outlook on life a bit is losing a little weight. It's ridiculous that this should make a difference, but the combination of menopause and drinking a bit more than usual in the last few months had resulted in my tummy being rounder than usual, and I realised I was at the point of deliberately wearing something that I could keep on while fucking when LG visited. It's not good if one doesn't want to get naked in front of one's lover. (Not that he ever even slightly made me feel self-conscious - it was all in my head, nothing to do with him.) So I'm doing the incredibly boring calorie counting thing, and trying to get in a bit more exercise, and it seems to be working, and also at a sensible pace. I hate that these things matter, but there's no point in ignoring the fact that it does make a difference to how I feel ...

 

[KimGordon67]

I accidentally deleted the post that was here about the local guy getting in touch out of the blue, and assuming we'd catch up on Thursday, and that I really need to have an actual conversation to get things sorted out ...

 

[KimGordon67]

Well, that didn't go well. He wasn't coming over tonight (it's Thursday here), so I ended up trying to sort things out over messaging, just because I was sick of not really knowing where things were at. The 'let's make Thursday a definite but cancellable' idea just got outrightly vetoed, with no suggestion for an alternative, and then he said maybe we should take a break.
I pointed out that I've been pretty flexible, but if he can't give a little as well, it isn't really going to work out, which is a pity. I haven't heard back, but I'm not really predicting great things. Clearly he really is very set in how he wants things, and isn't prepared to compromise that at all.
And there will be no fucking 'break'. How does he think that's going to change anything? Obviously he's just wanting to keep his options open. Bugger him (metaphorically, not literally). It seems that I'm not worth making a tiny effort for, so that's that.

But very proud of myself in the last couple of days of messaging for not getting all needy and emotional, or angry, but just saying what I need clearly, and not backing down because he said no. And for not agreeing to a 'break', which he clearly thought I was going to do. I was talking to a friend about it this afternoon, and he just laughed and said 'a break from WHAT - seeing each other every few weeks?'

 

[Islander55]

Well, that didn't go well. He wasn't coming over tonight (it's Thursday here), so I ended up trying to sort things out over messaging, just because I was sick of not really knowing where things were at. The 'let's make Thursday a definite but cancellable' idea just got outrightly vetoed, with no suggestion for an alternative, and then he said maybe we should take a break.
I pointed out that I've been pretty flexible, but if he can't give a little as well, it isn't really going to work out, which is a pity. I haven't heard back, but I'm not really predicting great things. Clearly he really is very set in how he wants things, and isn't prepared to compromise that at all.
And there will be no fucking 'break'. How does he think that's going to change anything? Obviously he's just wanting to keep his options open. Bugger him (metaphorically, not literally). It seems that I'm not worth making a tiny effort for, so that's that.

But very proud of myself in the last couple of days of messaging for not getting all needy and emotional, or angry, but just saying what I need clearly, and not backing down because he said no. And for not agreeing to a 'break', which he clearly thought I was going to do. I was talking to a friend about it this afternoon, and he just laughed and said 'a break from WHAT - seeing each other every few weeks?'

I have been reading your posts here and I must say you have a lot more patience than I would. I have not read anything that indicates that this guy is willing to provide any support for even a casual relationship. I would expect at least basic courtesy from a simple casual friendship. Reading your last post, I suspect this guy has hooked up with someone else and might like to keep you on the back burner. I think you would be absolutely correct to move on.

 

[quietlylooking]

I have been reading your posts here and I must say you have a lot more patience than I would. I have not read anything that indicates that this guy is willing to provide any support for even a casual relationship. I would expect at least basic courtesy from a simple casual friendship. Reading your last post, I suspect this guy has hooked up with someone else and might like to keep you on the back burner. I think you would be absolutely correct to move on.

I've also been reading your saga, from the perspective of a woman of similar age who has considered but never been brave enough to pursue polyamory in real life. I agree with Islander55; the guy sounds like he doesn't want to completely lose you, but is keeping you "on the back burner". You are way too special for that. Sending you good vibes for someone new and exciting and positive in all the important parts of relationships.

 

[KimGordon67]

I've also been reading your saga, from the perspective of a woman of similar age who has considered but never been brave enough to pursue polyamory in real life. I agree with Islander55; the guy sounds like he doesn't want to completely lose you, but is keeping you "on the back burner". You are way too special for that. Sending you good vibes for someone new and exciting and positive in all the important parts of relationships.

I don't think the situation with this guy has anything to do with the lack of monogamy, but everything to do with his weird headspace. I guess I do tend to take people at their word, and I try to not assume the worst of people (unless they clearly demonstrate that I should). There's also been a lot of good stuff about this thing with him, and I suppose I've been reluctant to give up on that - it's not easy for me to find guys that fit with me. And I don't actually think he's a bad person. I think he's had some hurtful thing happened in the past, and decided that resolute non-commitment is the best way to avoid that happening again, and that's just the lifestyle he's committed to ... with a fairly high degree of commitment. A lot of women probably wouldn't bother at all - his house is a half-renovated old church with an outdoor shower and no kitchen, just a barbecue, and now a pulled-apart motorbike in one corner. And there's no way he's letting anyone 'fix' any of that. I truly don't care - if he's happy with that (which he must be, because he'd change it if he wasn't), then good on him. I kind of admire that lack of compromise just to fit into what a house 'should' be ... but that's a house. That sort of rigidity in your chosen path just doesn't work so well when there's other people involved, unless you only want them around for very short periods of time. Any sort of ongoing relationship, even just a standard friendship, requires a bit of give and take and a bit of flexibility around some things.
And I think all this because I just see how he looks sometimes when we've been together. Like, he's really close to just letting his guard down and letting himself get close to someone ... and then he gets up and leaves. I really don't think I'm imagining that, and you can't just manufacture that sort of thing.

I did get something that nearly sounded like an apology this morning, to do with being under a fair bit of pressure with work (which I do believe, and it's quite a physically demanding job). But that doesn't make it ok to be shitty to me, and doesn't change the fact that I need the minimal things that I need. So I'm just leaving it at that. If he wants to have to a think about things and come back willing to make a tiny effort, that's fine. But I'm not back down in terms of things needing to change a little. And I'm not chasing around after him any more.

 

[Mei5ter]

I don't think the situation with this guy has anything to do with the lack of monogamy, but everything to do with his weird headspace. I guess I do tend to take people at their word, and I try to not assume the worst of people (unless they clearly demonstrate that I should). There's also been a lot of good stuff about this thing with him, and I suppose I've been reluctant to give up on that - it's not easy for me to find guys that fit with me. And I don't actually think he's a bad person. I think he's had some hurtful thing happened in the past, and decided that resolute non-commitment is the best way to avoid that happening again, and that's just the lifestyle he's committed to ... with a fairly high degree of commitment. A lot of women probably wouldn't bother at all - his house is a half-renovated old church with an outdoor shower and no kitchen, just a barbecue, and now a pulled-apart motorbike in one corner. And there's no way he's letting anyone 'fix' any of that. I truly don't care - if he's happy with that (which he must be, because he'd change it if he wasn't), then good on him. I kind of admire that lack of compromise just to fit into what a house 'should' be ... but that's a house. That sort of rigidity in your chosen path just doesn't work so well when there's other people involved, unless you only want them around for very short periods of time. Any sort of ongoing relationship, even just a standard friendship, requires a bit of give and take and a bit of flexibility around some things.
And I think all this because I just see how he looks sometimes when we've been together. Like, he's really close to just letting his guard down and letting himself get close to someone ... and then he gets up and leaves. I really don't think I'm imagining that, and you can't just manufacture that sort of thing.

I did get something that nearly sounded like an apology this morning, to do with being under a fair bit of pressure with work (which I do believe, and it's quite a physically demanding job). But that doesn't make it ok to be shitty to me, and doesn't change the fact that I need the minimal things that I need. So I'm just leaving it at that. If he wants to have to a think about things and come back willing to make a tiny effort, that's fine. But I'm not back down in terms of things needing to change a little. And I'm not chasing around after him any more.

I hope you don't mind me commenting here, but yours is a thread I enjoy reading.

Would it be unfair to say that this man, his converted church and his motorbike are all part of a pattern: interesting things which never actually reach a satisfactory conclusion?

 

[KimGordon67]

I hope you don't mind me commenting here, but yours is a thread I enjoy reading.

Would it be unfair to say that this man, his converted church and his motorbike are all part of a pattern: interesting things which never actually reach a satisfactory conclusion?

Ha ha. Maybe. Luckily I'm capable of making conclusions myself.

 

[KimGordon67]

So [edited to change to DW - I named the wrong guy originally] (see Post 775) and me finally managed to have a Skype 'date', that lasted just under two hours, so I guess it's safe to say that we get on OK. I have a good feeling about this - he's super open and up front about stuff, and we get on really easily. It remains to be seen whether there's physical chemistry - he's definitely keen, I'm a bit more reserved, for various reasons. The only real risk is that he's definitely the 'falling in love' type, and I don't think I really want that. But he's also seeing other people, so maybe that'll keep things in check a bit.
I think we're both pretty keen on the idea of me getting myself to where he's doing some gigs in a few weeks. I'll just spend a night there, and sort out my own accommodation, so I'm independent. But it seems like a good opportunity to meet up on fairly neutral territory.
He's also definitely reveling in the whole not-being-monogamous thing - he said something the other day while we messaging about how nice it is to be able to talk about other people he's seeing without having to worry about it. I mean, there's nothing happening with us yet, so there wouldn't be anything to worry about anyway, but I get his point.
I guess the universe has new things in store for me.