Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[Fermina_Daza]

Just when I think maybe I am getting the hang of this poly thing, new guy busts out he’s not going to handle October well (I’m getting married) and he’s in love. So what happens now? He knew I was getting married. Do I call it quits or try to work through this?

Damn him and his magical orgasm-causing hands.

 

[y=mx+b]

Also, WHEN THE FUCK AM I GOING TO STOP MISSING THIS GUY??? It's getting ridiculous. I don't even know HOW to stop missing someone ... is there something I can do to stop thinking about him every time my head isn't focused on something else? WTAF is going on here?

If I knew a quick and easy way to stop missing someone, I’d be at the top of The NY Times bestseller list.

A mental trick I do is imagine myself as a leaf that has fallen into the water flowing under her bridge.

Sometimes I am a crimson and yellow maple leaf fumbling, tumbling and whirling under the surface trying to catch my bearings.

Other times I'm a freshly fallen crisp oak leaf floating so high on the surface it's like I'm not even touching the water.

It's still a struggle.

I still want to reach out

Text her

Tell her things like how I miss her

And tell her very specific things that I miss about her.

But I am just a leaf
Floating under her bridge
In the stream of time.

 

[AnnieLit]

I still want to reach out
Text her
Tell her things like how I miss her
And tell her very specific things that I miss about her.
.

I did not text, I wrote emails. Long and detailed ones, about how I miss him, about my day, about a new guy that I met, but he is a no, because he is not Him. About another guy that is a maybe. About our first date. And the second. And why there will be no third one...

I wrote them daily for a couple weeks, then less frequently, but still two or three every week for a couple months. I was sure he will never read them as he left that account for good. I was wrong - he did read them three or four months later, but by then I stopped writing - I got over him and there was nothing left to talk about.

What I am trying to say, is that if you feel the need to talk to her in writing - do it! Just don't send it, save your letters somewhere, or send them to yourself. Just the process of getting the words down on "paper" helps, sure, it is a one-sided conversation, but better that than nothing.

 

[KimGordon67]

I do find myself at random moments thinking about the local guy 'maybe if I just sent one more email making myself clear, that would work'. But luckily my sensible brain steps in and says 'no ... if that was going to work, it would have worked already'.

I did drop him off some baking the other day, along with the beer that was 'payment' for fixing my storm water drainage. He wasn't home, so I left them by the door and waved at his security camera ... later I got a text asking why I hadn't flashed my tits. I just laughed and said he's seen them before. Confusing though ... WTF is up with the random flirting? There was a tiny bit more of that over the weekend ... extremely low key, and I just didn't really push it at all.

I really don't get it though. I know that he isn't interested, because a few weeks ago I literally said 'do you feel like just getting laid, no strings attached' (I was in a bit of a mood) and it was apparently just too difficult for him to get here, which is really a 'no', because if someone wants something like, they just make it work. That was really my last effort - that's when I really knew that whatever he wants, it ain't me ... but now we've got this weird flirting.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

I don't know, Kim. I think he's sensing that you have let go/moved on and, while he doesn't want to make any effort to actually see you, that engenders some insecurity. So he flirts with you to try to get your attention/validation back. I don't think that he is consciously thinking about any of this of course. I could be completely off base, but that was my initial impression.

 

[KimGordon67]

I don't know, Kim. I think he's sensing that you have let go/moved on and, while he doesn't want to make any effort to actually see you, that engenders some insecurity. So he flirts with you to try to get your attention/validation back. I don't think that he is consciously thinking about any of this of course. I could be completely off base, but that was my initial impression.

I feel like this might be close. I just find this kind of thing frustrating. However, I'm (finally) doing an ok job of not making it my problem.

 

[JDredd711]

I don't know, Kim. I think he's sensing that you have let go/moved on and, while he doesn't want to make any effort to actually see you, that engenders some insecurity. So he flirts with you to try to get your attention/validation back. I don't think that he is consciously thinking about any of this of course. I could be completely off base, but that was my initial impression.

That was my reaction to his flirting attempt.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

I feel like this might be close. I just find this kind of thing frustrating. However, I'm (finally) doing an ok job of not making it my problem.

That’s another bit of wisdom that I need to repeat to myself. Making certain things my problem won’t give me control over them.

 

[KimGordon67]

That’s another bit of wisdom that I need to repeat to myself. Making certain things my problem won’t give me control over them.

I've been watching a friend of mine who's been dating a new guy for six weeks - maybe eight weeks. She's an incredible fixer - she's already cleaned out his house (he's a total and actual hoarder) and in the weekend started working on the tax returns that he hasn't filed in THIRTEEN years. It's a really useful reminder of how trying to fix other people's problems ... or change them ... is a recipe for disaster. I honestly don't give the whole situation more than six months.

I may veer too much the other way, of course ... I honestly wondered if baking a batch of biscuits for a guy I'd been seeing for five months, and who'd spent two hours working on my house, was a bit too much.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I've been watching a friend of mine who's been dating a new guy for six weeks - maybe eight weeks. She's an incredible fixer - she's already cleaned out his house (he's a total and actual hoarder) and in the weekend started working on the tax returns that he hasn't filed in THIRTEEN years. It's a really useful reminder of how trying to fix other people's problems ... or change them ... is a recipe for disaster. I honestly don't give the whole situation more than six months.

I may veer too much the other way, of course ... I honestly wondered if baking a batch of biscuits for a guy I'd been seeing for five months, and who'd spent two hours working on my house, was a bit too much.

People only change if they actually want to change and even then it's really hard to change.

Keep being you because you are amazing.

 

[KimGordon67]

The saga continues ... honestly, you couldn't make this shit up.

So I made a new Tinder profile a couple of days ago that was a bit more explicitly sexual (as opposed to the usual 'nice' profiles I have), with a pretty ambiguous photo and a fake name.
The Local Guy's profile came up, as it always does when I make a new Tinder profile, which always kind of makes me a bit sad, because I still fucking miss him, so I swiped right on it, because it's the only way of stopping it from repeatedly reappearing. Every time I've done that (maybe twice since we stopped seeing each other), that's been the end of it, because obviously he doesn't swipe right on me because he's not sad.

But this time we matched, because obviously h HAD also swiped right on me. I honestly assumed he was just taking the piss ... but then when he said something, I realised he had no idea who the fuck it was. (I'm quite surprised by that - I thought it was obvious enough to anyone who knew me in the biblical sense, and the photo was vaguely recognisable if you already suspected who it might be.) So I just said 'You don't know who this is?' and then he obviously did work it out ... and came back with 'that's borderline stalking' and unmatched me. Clearly fairly fucked off.

So THAT made me feel a bit sick ... I see how it he ended up thinking that, but it was utterly not what had actually happened at all. So I messaged him to say sorry, and explain why that had happened - basically exactly what I said above about swiping right because I miss him and want to get him off my screen. And said now I look like a dick, but that's better than a stalker. And assumed that would make zero difference to anything and I'd have to find a whole new fucking tradie to do my guttering work. And got in the shower to have a little cry.
. but by the time I got out of the shower, he's messaged back calling me a dick and laughing. I guess his tempers are quite short lived.

And somehow he's now coming around in the weekend with a sample of gutter guard stuff for the work he's doing, and suggested he might get a blow job while he's here. (Although using slightly filthier language.) And I'm pretty sure he's serious about that.
So I have no fucking idea what happened there. I mean, in the subsequent conversation I was weirdly back on form with the banter, which he does like, but still ... NOW he's interested. wtf?

(Also, he's not getting a blow job unless we do some actual talking first and sorting out what is actually going on here, because I am as confused as fuck.)

 

[Paul_Chance]

The saga continues ... honestly, you couldn't make this shit up.

So I made a new Tinder profile a couple of days ago that was a bit more explicitly sexual (as opposed to the usual 'nice' profiles I have), with a pretty ambiguous photo and a fake name.
The Local Guy's profile came up, as it always does when I make a new Tinder profile, which always kind of makes me a bit sad, because I still fucking miss him, so I swiped right on it, because it's the only way of stopping it from repeatedly reappearing. Every time I've done that (maybe twice since we stopped seeing each other), that's been the end of it, because obviously he doesn't swipe right on me because he's not sad.

But this time we matched, because obviously h HAD also swiped right on me. I honestly assumed he was just taking the piss ... but then when he said something, I realised he had no idea who the fuck it was. (I'm quite surprised by that - I thought it was obvious enough to anyone who knew me in the biblical sense, and the photo was vaguely recognisable if you already suspected who it might be.) So I just said 'You don't know who this is?' and then he obviously did work it out ... and came back with 'that's borderline stalking' and unmatched me. Clearly fairly fucked off.

So THAT made me feel a bit sick ... I see how it he ended up thinking that, but it was utterly not what had actually happened at all. So I messaged him to say sorry, and explain why that had happened - basically exactly what I said above about swiping right because I miss him and want to get him off my screen. And said now I look like a dick, but that's better than a stalker. And assumed that would make zero difference to anything and I'd have to find a whole new fucking tradie to do my guttering work. And got in the shower to have a little cry.
. but by the time I got out of the shower, he's messaged back calling me a dick and laughing. I guess his tempers are quite short lived.

And somehow he's now coming around in the weekend with a sample of gutter guard stuff for the work he's doing, and suggested he might get a blow job while he's here. (Although using slightly filthier language.) And I'm pretty sure he's serious about that.
So I have no fucking idea what happened there. I mean, in the subsequent conversation I was weirdly back on form with the banter, which he does like, but still ... NOW he's interested. wtf?

(Also, he's not getting a blow job unless we do some actual talking first and sorting out what is actually going on here, because I am as confused as fuck.)

I've never used any off the dating apps - but the stories people tell about their experiences with them are always strangely entertaining. I am sure that in my mind they're like watching a car crash. I wouldn't want to be in one - but I would look. I sometimes think I should try them just so I have some strange stories to tell! Uh, dating apps, not car crashes. I've tried car crashes - not a fan!

Years ago (many) I read a paperback book I found in an airport called "The Dance Away Lover" - it sounds like that is what you've got here with The Local Guy. It was about the personality type that is constantly moving back and forth in relationships. Sometimes closer, sometime farther - and it seems that as you dance toward them, they dance away - and then as you dance away, they dance closer - as opposed to a traditional relationship where you "dance closer" to each other over time.

Now, here is the bad news - leopards don't change their spots. This personality type is deeply engrained in them and it centers around the dynamism that exists inside them where they have constructed an intimacy/commitment v. freedom world view. They're trying to find a balance point where they are happy - but because of this dynamic, they attain balance by moving back and forth of the teeter-totter of relationships.

This movement back and forth is their happy medium. Like a lot of pop psychology the ultimate advice of the book was that you need to make a decision about "what you want". In the book they talked about the balance point of a relationship and if you were the "type" that wanted intimacy that you would have to either change your "type" or "accept" their type.

Over the years I've known a few dance away lovers - my type of course is that I skip the typing bullshit and just enjoy the dance - close or far, back and forth. What is your type in the paradigm of the book?

 

[KimGordon67]

I've never used any off the dating apps - but the stories people tell about their experiences with them are always strangely entertaining. I am sure that in my mind they're like watching a car crash. I wouldn't want to be in one - but I would look. I sometimes think I should try them just so I have some strange stories to tell! Uh, dating apps, not car crashes. I've tried car crashes - not a fan!

Years ago (many) I read a paperback book I found in an airport called "The Dance Away Lover" - it sounds like that is what you've got here with The Local Guy. It was about the personality type that is constantly moving back and forth in relationships. Sometimes closer, sometime farther - and it seems that as you dance toward them, they dance away - and then as you dance away, they dance closer - as opposed to a traditional relationship where you "dance closer" to each other over time.

Now, here is the bad news - leopards don't change their spots. This personality type is deeply engrained in them and it centers around the dynamism that exists inside them where they have constructed an intimacy/commitment v. freedom world view. They're trying to find a balance point where they are happy - but because of this dynamic, they attain balance by moving back and forth of the teeter-totter of relationships.

This movement back and forth is their happy medium. Like a lot of pop psychology the ultimate advice of the book was that you need to make a decision about "what you want". In the book they talked about the balance point of a relationship and if you were the "type" that wanted intimacy that you would have to either change your "type" or "accept" their type.

Over the years I've known a few dance away lovers - my type of course is that I skip the typing bullshit and just enjoy the dance - close or far, back and forth. What is your type in the paradigm of the book?

Yes, me and my girlfriends used to refer to this as the 'come 'ere, come 'ere, go away thing', from the lyrics of an Alexei Sayle song in the English series The Young Ones. We never got to working out the underlying causal factors though, but yeah, the 'intimacy vs freedom' thing makes total sense in this instance. Like he wants both, but can't work out how to actually *have* both because he sees being close to someone as losing some sense of autonomy. He's actually explicitly said that he's pretty consciously constructed a life as a single person and he's happy with that and doesn't want it to change ... but he seems a bit blind to the fact that he also enjoys intimacy. So it's like he gets a little fix of being close to someone, to satisfy that craving for a bit, but then pulls back when he feels like he's somehow getting 'trapped' or something. Like those wolves that want the warmth and the food, but like being wild as well.
I guess my need for some minimal level of certainty just looked too he'd lose too much freedom. But I do need that. I WISH I was someone who could just let people come and go as they wanted ... and sometimes I can, but only if I don't really like/care about them ... and the closeness is really what makes things better. The sex is better, because you get to know each other and trust each other, and the hanging out is better. The frustrating thing is that my need for certainty is SO minimal ... but clearly a bit too much for him. Maybe that's the tiny point at which neither of us really can compromise, or at least not enough.

I don't know if it's worth trying to say some much more concise version of all this when I see him in the weekend, or if I really do need to just let it go. I honestly had gotten to the point of accepting that whatever he wants, it ain't me ... except now it seems like I might be something he wants. But I can't let that make me compromise my own needs.

 

[KimGordon67]

Also, I'm pretty certain that if the sex was crap, I wouldn't be bothering at all.

 

[KimGordon67]

I've been thinking about this quite a bit today, and I think the plan is that if we end up in a position where we're talking about stuff, and he does indicate some sort of desire to pick things up again, I think I can fairly clearly conceptualise the problem ... neither of us what a 'typical relationship'; he doesn't want to feel like he's committed to anything; I need some very small level of certainty about things. So it really boils down to whether we can find some way of reconciling the last two points.

That's slightly complicated by the fact that I also don't want to be telling him what to do, and I kind of don't want him telling me what to do. So maybe if we're just both cognisant of the other person's needs, and take them into account in our interactions, that might be enough. With the proviso that if anything is make us feeling trapped/uncertain, we just say something, instead of shutting down or freaking out ... but in a 'I feel X' way, rather than a 'you need to do Y' way.

This seems to brilliant to be as easy as it sounds.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I've been thinking about this quite a bit today, and I think the plan is that if we end up in a position where we're talking about stuff, and he does indicate some sort of desire to pick things up again, I think I can fairly clearly conceptualise the problem ... neither of us what a 'typical relationship'; he doesn't want to feel like he's committed to anything; I need some very small level of certainty about things. So it really boils down to whether we can find some way of reconciling the last two points.

That's slightly complicated by the fact that I also don't want to be telling him what to do, and I kind of don't want him telling me what to do. So maybe if we're just both cognisant of the other person's needs, and take them into account in our interactions, that might be enough. With the proviso that if anything is make us feeling trapped/uncertain, we just say something, instead of shutting down or freaking out ... but in a 'I feel X' way, rather than a 'you need to do Y' way.

This seems to brilliant to be as easy as it sounds.

I can so relate to this. I wish I had something to add.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm so all over the place ... today I just think I need to call an end to all the games. Obviously Paul is right ... he's not going to change, or at least not because of anything I say or do. And the constant confusion is just ... well, confusing.

I had an actual date last night which was pleasant, but I think he's not really that interested ... we had a good chat for a couple of hours, but the vibe when we said goodbye wasn't really full of enthusiasm on his part. Which is fine, although a tiny bit disappointing.

I think I just need to focus on other stuff for a bit, until I'm feeling a little better in myself.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

I'm so all over the place ... today I just think I need to call an end to all the games. Obviously Paul is right ... he's not going to change, or at least not because of anything I say or do. And the constant confusion is just ... well, confusing.

I had an actual date last night which was pleasant, but I think he's not really that interested ... we had a good chat for a couple of hours, but the vibe when we said goodbye wasn't really full of enthusiasm on his part. Which is fine, although a tiny bit disappointing.

I think I just need to focus on other stuff for a bit, until I'm feeling a little better in myself.

Don’t let these guys get you down. As far as I can see, you are a smart, caring, sexy, accomplished, and beautiful person.

 

[KimGordon67]

Don’t let these guys get you down. As far as I can see, you are a smart, caring, sexy, accomplished, and beautiful person.

Yeah ... I just don't know what I'm doing to not end up attracting guys who are actually capable of caring. I dunno ... I'm in a bit of slump. It'll pass. I did just message last night's date to say thanks, and say that I possible drank and talked a bit more than I should have because of nerves (which is entirely true ... a little over-excited to get out of the house with an actual human male). So we'll see.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I understand how you feel about not attracting guys capable of caring just a little. I don't necessarily want anything serious but just knowing that we'll get together for some fun is all I need. I don't know why that is so difficult to find. I have been focusing on myself more.

 

[JDredd711]

Guy's Perspective

I think men have become so inundated with the feminist viewpoint and the Me Too movement that maybe some of the guys are just a bit gunshy. I don't know how obvious you are in your innuendo etc, but if you get a good vibe from a guy, maybe throw him an obvious lifeline or keep an open mind about more dates. I personally find it very sexy when she is a bit more obvious and I don't always have to be the instigator. Just my 2 cents worth.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think men have become so inundated with the feminist viewpoint and the Me Too movement that maybe some of the guys are just a bit gunshy. I don't know how obvious you are in your innuendo etc, but if you get a good vibe from a guy, maybe throw him an obvious lifeline or keep an open mind about more dates. I personally find it very sexy when she is a bit more obvious and I don't always have to be the instigator. Just my 2 cents worth.

I truly don't think feminism/#metoo is at play in these encounters ... we have a somewhat different culture to the US around gender and stuff. Guys here just aren't particularly demonstrative. But I think it was pretty clear that I was interested. Possibly because I said 'I'm interested'.

 

[Dreamliner]

KG is right, in our country, historically for males it has been all about being 'staunch', the nuances in being a male, but also getting in tune with a potential female partner, especially in D/s dynamic, is a learned and subtle 'skill' (sic), that eludes most, and there is for a small minority a culture of masking abuse as BDSM. KG knows what works for her, she will have that relationship that works when they meet.

 

[KimGordon67]

So I messaged the local guy last night and said no more flirty or whatever else messaging, and that I need to just keep contact to the work he's doing for me, because all the other stuff is too confusing. So I guess that's sorted now.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

So I messaged the local guy last night and said no more flirty or whatever else messaging, and that I need to just keep contact to the work he's doing for me, because all the other stuff is too confusing. So I guess that's sorted now.

Good for you, Kim.