Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

Good for you, Kim.

I'm quite sad. He's doing a bit of work for me in the next few weeks, and I realised this morning that after I pay for that, I'll quite probably never see him again.

It's horrible when you end up doing something just because you know it's the 'best' thing to do, when it's the almost complete opposite of what you actually *want* to do.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

I'm quite sad. He's doing a bit of work for me in the next few weeks, and I realised this morning that after I pay for that, I'll quite probably never see him again.

It's horrible when you end up doing something just because you know it's the 'best' thing to do, when it's the almost complete opposite of what you actually *want* to do.

I’m sorry if my response came off as flippant. I know that it was a tough decision to make.

 

[KimGordon67]

I’m sorry if my response came off as flippant. I know that it was a tough decision to make.

Oh no - that wasn't what I meant at all. I was just musing on the difficulty of doing things that you know are 'good for you'. Even now my stupid brain is saying 'maybe if you just say *this* thing, he'll realise that you're the one for him'. Which is ridiculous - if he felt anything even vaguely resembling that, he would have done something about it.

I realised last night that part of why I'm so sad is that the first two or three months we were seeing is other is the first time I've felt that sort of happy for a long time. It was so nice to have someone be that into me, someone that I really enjoyed just hanging out with ... but now I feel like it was all just a bit of a game on his part. Which is quite depressing.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Oh no - that wasn't what I meant at all. I was just musing on the difficulty of doing things that you know are 'good for you'. Even now my stupid brain is saying 'maybe if you just say *this* thing, he'll realise that you're the one for him'. Which is ridiculous - if he felt anything even vaguely resembling that, he would have done something about it.

I realised last night that part of why I'm so sad is that the first two or three months we were seeing is other is the first time I've felt that sort of happy for a long time. It was so nice to have someone be that into me, someone that I really enjoyed just hanging out with ... but now I feel like it was all just a bit of a game on his part. Which is quite depressing.

I'm sorry. It is hard to do something good for yourself when it's not what you want.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Almost...but not quite

One of the things that you will (and have) encountered when you are in a non-monogamous or polyamous dating world is you're going to increase the frequency of "almost but not quite" partners. These aren't without their emotional/psychological risks since we're all human and normal emotional states exist.

Sometimes it's a sharp and persistent pain when you "just miss" the contours of a great relationship. Sometimes the thoughts around these near misses can border on the obsessive while they're still fresh in our mind and heart, especially if the sexual part was really good. In life, our bodies sometimes crave what our hearts can't have (or the reverse).

So, how to do it?

It's happened to me a couple of times, and I approach it in a combination of three ways.

First, LOL, obessively masturbate to the memories of what was and the fantasies of what wasn't. This will usually get me through the first couple of tough months, then it tapers off until, over time, it just sits in a "frequently used" section of masturbatory fantasies. I highly recommend this approach.

Second, don't "own" the contours of the relationship that didn't fit. Accept your decisions and their decisions with equanimity and grace. This can help break the psychological bond the "almost" relationship has on us. I'm an advocate of explicit acceptance as often used in meditation - meditate on the acceptance that things "didn't work out how I desired". (And the second noble truth - all suffering is the result of desire.). Then, think of them with loving kindness and move on (may all beings know happiness and be free from suffering).

Third, if necessary, this is a brutal technique but it does work if you are really struggling. Kill them in your heart. Everytime they come up, metaphorically kill them. "This person is no longer part of my life. They're dead to me. I don't give a fuck about them anymore." This technique works due to it's abrupt brutality. I generally don't recommend using it as it has it's own risks and issues - but it is brutally effective and can help you through a difficult separation.

 

[ultramarineblue]

One of the things that you will (and have) encountered when you are in a non-monogamous or polyamous dating world is you're going to increase the frequency of "almost but not quite" partners. These aren't without their emotional/psychological risks since we're all human and normal emotional states exist.

Sometimes it's a sharp and persistent pain when you "just miss" the contours of a great relationship. Sometimes the thoughts around these near misses can border on the obsessive while they're still fresh in our mind and heart, especially if the sexual part was really good. In life, our bodies sometimes crave what our hearts can't have (or the reverse).

So, how to do it?

It's happened to me a couple of times, and I approach it in a combination of three ways.

First, LOL, obessively masturbate to the memories of what was and the fantasies of what wasn't. This will usually get me through the first couple of tough months, then it tapers off until, over time, it just sits in a "frequently used" section of masturbatory fantasies. I highly recommend this approach.

Second, don't "own" the contours of the relationship that didn't fit. Accept your decisions and their decisions with equanimity and grace. This can help break the psychological bond the "almost" relationship has on us. I'm an advocate of explicit acceptance as often used in meditation - meditate on the acceptance that things "didn't work out how I desired". (And the second noble truth - all suffering is the result of desire.). Then, think of them with loving kindness and move on (may all beings know happiness and be free from suffering).

Third, if necessary, this is a brutal technique but it does work if you are really struggling. Kill them in your heart. Everytime they come up, metaphorically kill them. "This person is no longer part of my life. They're dead to me. I don't give a fuck about them anymore." This technique works due to it's abrupt brutality. I generally don't recommend using it as it has it's own risks and issues - but it is brutally effective and can help you through a difficult separation.

Your comments are always so insightful and helpful.

.............

Kim, I hope you're doing ok with it all.

 

[KimGordon67]

One of the things that you will (and have) encountered when you are in a non-monogamous or polyamous dating world is you're going to increase the frequency of "almost but not quite" partners. These aren't without their emotional/psychological risks since we're all human and normal emotional states exist.

Sometimes it's a sharp and persistent pain when you "just miss" the contours of a great relationship. Sometimes the thoughts around these near misses can border on the obsessive while they're still fresh in our mind and heart, especially if the sexual part was really good. In life, our bodies sometimes crave what our hearts can't have (or the reverse).

So, how to do it?

It's happened to me a couple of times, and I approach it in a combination of three ways.

First, LOL, obessively masturbate to the memories of what was and the fantasies of what wasn't. This will usually get me through the first couple of tough months, then it tapers off until, over time, it just sits in a "frequently used" section of masturbatory fantasies. I highly recommend this approach.

Second, don't "own" the contours of the relationship that didn't fit. Accept your decisions and their decisions with equanimity and grace. This can help break the psychological bond the "almost" relationship has on us. I'm an advocate of explicit acceptance as often used in meditation - meditate on the acceptance that things "didn't work out how I desired". (And the second noble truth - all suffering is the result of desire.). Then, think of them with loving kindness and move on (may all beings know happiness and be free from suffering).

Third, if necessary, this is a brutal technique but it does work if you are really struggling. Kill them in your heart. Everytime they come up, metaphorically kill them. "This person is no longer part of my life. They're dead to me. I don't give a fuck about them anymore." This technique works due to it's abrupt brutality. I generally don't recommend using it as it has it's own risks and issues - but it is brutally effective and can help you through a difficult separation.

So you're saying that *actually* killing them isn't really an option? ... asking for a friend.

 

[KimGordon67]

One of the things that you will (and have) encountered when you are in a non-monogamous or polyamous dating world is you're going to increase the frequency of "almost but not quite" partners. These aren't without their emotional/psychological risks since we're all human and normal emotional states exist.

Sometimes it's a sharp and persistent pain when you "just miss" the contours of a great relationship. Sometimes the thoughts around these near misses can border on the obsessive while they're still fresh in our mind and heart, especially if the sexual part was really good. In life, our bodies sometimes crave what our hearts can't have (or the reverse).

So, how to do it?

It's happened to me a couple of times, and I approach it in a combination of three ways.

First, LOL, obessively masturbate to the memories of what was and the fantasies of what wasn't. This will usually get me through the first couple of tough months, then it tapers off until, over time, it just sits in a "frequently used" section of masturbatory fantasies. I highly recommend this approach.

Second, don't "own" the contours of the relationship that didn't fit. Accept your decisions and their decisions with equanimity and grace. This can help break the psychological bond the "almost" relationship has on us. I'm an advocate of explicit acceptance as often used in meditation - meditate on the acceptance that things "didn't work out how I desired". (And the second noble truth - all suffering is the result of desire.). Then, think of them with loving kindness and move on (may all beings know happiness and be free from suffering).

Third, if necessary, this is a brutal technique but it does work if you are really struggling. Kill them in your heart. Everytime they come up, metaphorically kill them. "This person is no longer part of my life. They're dead to me. I don't give a fuck about them anymore." This technique works due to it's abrupt brutality. I generally don't recommend using it as it has it's own risks and issues - but it is brutally effective and can help you through a difficult separation.

... but less flippantly ... yes, the 'what could have been' things do seem to have their own brand of difficulty. I really can't work out if it was a 'near miss' situation, or if he was just playing a game from the beginning ... I guess it's best to not assume the worst of people.
Unfortunately I'm not a great sole masturbator, which seems silly, given that the point of masturbating is that it's what you do when you're alone. I go in all guns blazing for phone sex, or if it's in the context of actual sex with someone, but if I'm on my own I'm a bit 'meh ... I think I'd rather have a nap'.

And yes, I am trying to tell myself that whatever he wants, I'm not it. And that's his decision and it's not my job to change his mind. I'm pretty good at letting things go with attachment is minimal - I guess we're all like that. Like, I had a date on Saturday, and he's clearly not interested, even though I am, and I'm fine about that - I sent one message on Sunday morning to follow up and my hunch about his lack of interest, and I was right. But of course it's a lot harder to accept that things didn't work out when you're a bit more attached to someone.
Also, realising that the first two or three months really were the first time in ages I've felt that particular brand of happiness ... it's so easy to think that might never happen again, even though that's a ridiculous thought.

I'm not very good at killing people off. I've tended to remain on good terms with all my ex's, except the sociopath, and even a fair few ONS's have remained in my extended friend group. I don't really hold any animosity to him ... even though one part of me feels like he was just playing me, most of me doesn't really believe that. So ... yeah. He's probably coming over tomorrow to price this work he's doing, but weirdly I actually feel OK about seeing him. Which is definite progress for me ... in previous relationship break ups, seeing the other person would have been extremely painful.

In other news, things are progressing with the couple I've been chatting with ... I can't even remember if I've mentioned them.

 

[Paul_Chance]

So you're saying that *actually* killing them isn't really an option? ... asking for a friend.

Homicide is always an option! Just rarely a good one. I jokingly say "I grew up in western Nebraska where "he needed killing your honor" is still a viable legal defense.

 

[KimGordon67]

Homicide is always an option! Just rarely a good one. I jokingly say "I grew up in western Nebraska where "he needed killing your honor" is still a viable legal defense.

Actually, if I killed him, the whole town would be bereft of someone to install the guttering on their houses. He is literally the only person in town with that particular skillset. So I probably wouldn't be very popular.

 

[KimGordon67]

Dammit ... the local guy turned up today (finally) to quote the work he's doing for me, and he still just makes me melt. Not visibly (I think), but we had a beer and chatted for a bit, and made some dumb jokes and had a laugh, borderline flirting but not quite ... and it all just felt as easy as it always did.

How can someone be so easy and so fucking confusing all at the same time?

But I held my shit together, and was charming but not suggestive, and didn't text him half an hour later to say 'come back and let's get naked'. If he wants anything, I think I need him to do something about that, not more of me chasing around after him.

... but I still would totally get naked with him if all else was on a better footing.

 

[KimGordon67]

But in other news, I just messaged the couple I've been chatting with a bit over recent weeks to try and organise actually meeting in two weeks, when I can be in the big city. I'm optimistic! (LOL - my optimism is so often ill-founded, but one can't let that stop one.)

 

[Paul_Chance]

But in other news, I just messaged the couple I've been chatting with a bit over recent weeks to try and organise actually meeting in two weeks, when I can be in the big city. I'm optimistic! (LOL - my optimism is so often ill-founded, but one can't let that stop one.)

Good luck! No problem with optimism! (Says the guy who is way over optimistic.)

 

[KimGordon67]

Dammit ... the local guy turned up today (finally) to quote the work he's doing for me, and he still just makes me melt. Not visibly (I think), but we had a beer and chatted for a bit, and made some dumb jokes and had a laugh, borderline flirting but not quite ... and it all just felt as easy as it always did.

How can someone be so easy and so fucking confusing all at the same time?

But I held my shit together, and was charming but not suggestive, and didn't text him half an hour later to say 'come back and let's get naked'. If he wants anything, I think I need him to do something about that, not more of me chasing around after him.

... but I still would totally get naked with him if all else was on a better footing.

Gah! I think I finally reached the end game with this. I was feeling all 'maybe this could work out' after he'd been here, and the decided I just needed to actually KNOW one way or the other, so emailed basically saying 'here's the good stuff between us, and here's what I think the little glitch is - I think it's worth making an effort to try and sort that out in the interests of retaining the good stuff, but if you don't, just don't respond, and then at least I'll know where I stand'.

He hasn't responded.

So that's that. I feel a bit conflicted ... like, obviously bummed, and puzzled that I pretty much said 'you can have great sex on tap with someone you like hanging out with who doesn't want anything more from you other than knowing you'll be back next week' and he doesn't want that ... so maybe he really just isn't that into me. But also thank fuck I don't have to puzzle over his ridiculously mixed messages any more.
So the lesson I've learnt from this is that I don't handle confusion very well, and that even in a 'casual' situation it's actually OK to have some clear communication about what everyone wants. I just need to work out how I can find a balance between not wanting a 'committed relationship' but the fact that I also obviously need a little bit of certainty. Is that even reasonable? Am I just wanting to have my cake and eat it too?

But this morning I'm off to yoga, which will be good.

 

[KimGordon67]

Good luck! No problem with optimism! (Says the guy who is way over optimistic.)

It can be difficult to maintain that optimism at time. At the moment I'm feeling a bit like every guy I find even vaguely attractive is playing some game. I'm sure that'll pass though.

 

[L1511p]

I see this as a positive thread overall

My story: I was monogamously married, normal stuff until about 15 years ago when i was 50 my wife stopped wanting or needing sex. This wasnt her choice, it was the choice of her cancer and of the surgery and drugs she was given.

We muddled along, me with no sex, for several years. Eventually i rebelled - i didnt go out with a prostitute or do anything underhand, i simply said i love her but i love sex too, so can i be allowed to find a fuck buddy. And - she said yes and i was given a hall pass so long as discretion ruled.

So today we are still married, but live apart sometimes. She is happy, i am happy. I have become polyamorous. A world opened up that i wasnt really aware of too much. That there are tons of girls aged 25-55 [ok 75 too] out there who appreciate a caring and able fuck buddy/lover/part time partner but who arent really looking for marriage or a live in arrangement. That a fair cohort of them prefer older guys so long as they are sexual and sexually giving. I now have several caring girlfriends, who know about each other, and are always happy to meet up and play, with different frequencies for sure, but these days i occasionally walk around with an implausable smile on my face, and find myself appreciating the natural things of life more and more.

So guys - How did i find these beautiful women - well in all the usual ways, i became quickly un-desperate which makes one so much more appealing i suspect, and am happy now if a lover moves on or gets hitched, as the natural thing to do. I have a circle of female friends that waxes and wanes but is constantly a part of my now happier life. Its also true that once a woman knows this is your life, they may be turned off by it, but in my experience they see it was positive, those partners cant all be wrong after all, and its my boast that i have never actually lost a partner by my actions, just by changes in location or their lives. Even ex lovers can still be friends in these circumstances, though the will must be strong if they visit for the weekend afterwards lol...

My wife - well she knows im a happy man, and i still care for and love her too. Polyamory is the way to go.

 

[AnnieLit]

My story: I was monogamously married, normal stuff until about 15 years ago when i was 50 my wife stopped wanting or needing sex. This wasnt her choice, it was the choice of her cancer and of the surgery and drugs she was given.

We muddled along, me with no sex, for several years. Eventually i rebelled - i didnt go out with a prostitute or do anything underhand, i simply said i love her but i love sex too, so can i be allowed to find a fuck buddy. And - she said yes and i was given a hall pass so long as discretion ruled.

So today we are still married, but live apart sometimes. She is happy, i am happy. I have become polyamorous. A world opened up that i wasnt really aware of too much. That there are tons of girls aged 25-55 [ok 75 too] out there who appreciate a caring and able fuck buddy/lover/part time partner but who arent really looking for marriage or a live in arrangement. That a fair cohort of them prefer older guys so long as they are sexual and sexually giving. I now have several caring girlfriends, who know about each other, and are always happy to meet up and play, with different frequencies for sure, but these days i occasionally walk around with an implausable smile on my face, and find myself appreciating the natural things of life more and more.

So guys - How did i find these beautiful women - well in all the usual ways, i became quickly un-desperate which makes one so much more appealing i suspect, and am happy now if a lover moves on or gets hitched, as the natural thing to do. I have a circle of female friends that waxes and wanes but is constantly a part of my now happier life. Its also true that once a woman knows this is your life, they may be turned off by it, but in my experience they see it was positive, those partners cant all be wrong after all, and its my boast that i have never actually lost a partner by my actions, just by changes in location or their lives. Even ex lovers can still be friends in these circumstances, though the will must be strong if they visit for the weekend afterwards lol...

My wife - well she knows im a happy man, and i still care for and love her too. Polyamory is the way to go.

Nice story.
Now let's look at it from your wife's perspective: 15 years ago, when you dropped that question on her, did she really have a choice? What would have happened if she said no? You would have done it behind her back? Left altogether? Did she trust you enough to be sure that neither thing will happen?

 

[KimGordon67]

Nice story.
Now let's look at it from your wife's perspective: 15 years ago, when you dropped that question on her, did she really have a choice? What would have happened if she said no? You would have done it behind her back? Left altogether? Did she trust you enough to be sure that neither thing will happen?

I tend to take these stories at face value. Way back in the depths of this thread, or even maybe in the previous one, there was a moment when some guy decided to wax lyrical about how awful everything was for my then-husband, saying much the same thing about the decision we made together. And I get that from the outside, it probably did look he was long-suffering, and just 'putting up' with things he didn't want for the sake of keeping me ... but I'm 100% certain that wasn't the reality of the situation.
Yes, maybe his wife 'gave him a hall pass' (not phrasing I would use, but let's go with it) because she felt that otherwise he would leave. And quite possibly that's true - I personally wouldn't expect someone to stay in a marriage that was sexless, if they wanted sex. (When that happened for a while in my marriage, I told my husband to find someone else to sleep with ... he didn't want to, but I'm all too aware of the difficulties related to not wanting sex when your partner does ... god knows there's enough guys in here telling us all about it.) Really, it seems reasonable to weigh up those two options (open up the marriage, or get divorced) and come down on one side or the other. I'm not sure that means she was necessarily 'coerced' into accepting something she didn't want. Certainly my husband wasn't.

 

[AnnieLit]

I tend to take these stories at face value. Way back in the depths of this thread, or even maybe in the previous one, there was a moment when some guy decided to wax lyrical about how awful everything was for my then-husband, saying much the same thing about the decision we made together. And I get that from the outside, it probably did look he was long-suffering, and just 'putting up' with things he didn't want for the sake of keeping me ... but I'm 100% certain that wasn't the reality of the situation.
Yes, maybe his wife 'gave him a hall pass' (not phrasing I would use, but let's go with it) because she felt that otherwise he would leave. And quite possibly that's true - I personally wouldn't expect someone to stay in a marriage that was sexless, if they wanted sex. (When that happened for a while in my marriage, I told my husband to find someone else to sleep with ... he didn't want to, but I'm all too aware of the difficulties related to not wanting sex when your partner does ... god knows there's enough guys in here telling us all about it.) Really, it seems reasonable to weigh up those two options (open up the marriage, or get divorced) and come down on one side or the other. I'm not sure that means she was necessarily 'coerced' into accepting something she didn't want. Certainly my husband wasn't.

Your husband was younger (I think...), healthier, and a man.
Any one of these on it's own is enough to change the situation and all three together make it a very different story.

Basically what I am saying is that the option of loosing you for your husband was just that - loosing you. He still had a chance of meeting somebody else.
Loosing her husband for this guy's wife meant (and still means) being alone for the rest of her life.

 

[KimGordon67]

Your husband was younger (I think...), healthier, and a man.
Any one of these on it's own is enough to change the situation and all three together make it a very different story.

Basically what I am saying is that the option of loosing you for your husband was just that - loosing you. He still had a chance of meeting somebody else.
Loosing her husband for this guy's wife meant (and still means) being alone for the rest of her life.

I have no idea why him being a man would make one iota of difference. And yes, he was younger and healthier, but still people made the same assumptions about our situation.

Maybe she would have been alone for the rest of her life, and I guess we're assuming that's a bad thing. But the alternative is that he remains celibate for the rest of his life so that she won't be alone, which seems to me to be just as emotionally coercive. Instead, they worked out a situation that works for both of them - she isn't alone, and is happy, and he has intimate contact with other people, and is happy. Assuming they both care about each other (which they apparently do), this seems like a relatively ideal situation. Even if it's not 'ideal', it still seems better than feeling it necessary to adhere to the norms of monogamy, which would have resulted in at least one of them being miserable.

 

[AnnieLit]

I have no idea why him being a man would make one iota of difference. And yes, he was younger and healthier, but still people made the same assumptions about our situation.

Maybe she would have been alone for the rest of her life, and I guess we're assuming that's a bad thing. But the alternative is that he remains celibate for the rest of his life so that she won't be alone, which seems to me to be just as emotionally coercive. Instead, they worked out a situation that works for both of them - she isn't alone, and is happy, and he has intimate contact with other people, and is happy. Assuming they both care about each other (which they apparently do), this seems like a relatively ideal situation. Even if it's not 'ideal', it still seems better than feeling it necessary to adhere to the norms of monogamy, which would have resulted in at least one of them being miserable.

Him being a man makes a difference because at 50 a man has a lot bigger pool of potentially interested partners than a woman of the same age. At 25 it was the other way around.

I understand and completely agree with all your arguments for an open marriage. Except one little problem: she knew that there was no sex, she must have known that it was a problem for him. I mean, why wouldn't it be a problem? She got sick, not him. And yet she did not offer him a way out, it was his idea to which she could not really afford to say no.

 

[L1511p]

Well i guess if you are in the position of sex doesnt matter, there are other things going on - which was/is true for my wife she may not have thought my physical needs that important, she was/is clear of cancer but the surgery/chemo/radio/nasty drugs really did a number on her [some cancers are hormone driven so the first thing the docs do is to destroy the bodies ability to make and use sex hormones, which is like a sledge hammer menopause, but they dont prepare the patients for the other effects - because those are secondary to being alive [yes im pretty sore at the medical profession for that, as is she]

So now we can still cuddle, i can do the manly things around the place, and i can disappear for periods to be with other friends which she is ok with. We spend time in 3 different countries in europe and the caribbean, apart and together so life is actually pretty sweet for us all.

Dont get into a negative - its all about men or that i have opportunities women dont. Some of my partners are older, they have young guys falling over themselves, im sure there are daddy and mummy issues in these sorts of relationships, but persoally i havent seen them.

As i said, polyamory is a pretty wonderful thing, its a lifestyle that if approached correctly leads to spreading happiness, and minimising some things like jealousy

 

[KimGordon67]

Well i guess if you are in the position of sex doesnt matter, there are other things going on - which was/is true for my wife she may not have thought my physical needs that important, she was/is clear of cancer but the surgery/chemo/radio/nasty drugs really did a number on her [some cancers are hormone driven so the first thing the docs do is to destroy the bodies ability to make and use sex hormones, which is like a sledge hammer menopause, but they dont prepare the patients for the other effects - because those are secondary to being alive [yes im pretty sore at the medical profession for that, as is she]

So now we can still cuddle, i can do the manly things around the place, and i can disappear for periods to be with other friends which she is ok with. We spend time in 3 different countries in europe and the caribbean, apart and together so life is actually pretty sweet for us all.

Dont get into a negative - its all about men or that i have opportunities women dont. Some of my partners are older, they have young guys falling over themselves, im sure there are daddy and mummy issues in these sorts of relationships, but persoally i havent seen them.

As i said, polyamory is a pretty wonderful thing, its a lifestyle that if approached correctly leads to spreading happiness, and minimising some things like jealousy

Yes, I have to say that as an older single woman, I don't really want for attention. I'm just fairly fussy.

 

[AnnieLit]

Well i guess if you are in the position of sex doesnt matter, there are other things going on - which was/is true for my wife she may not have thought my physical needs that important, she was/is clear of cancer but the surgery/chemo/radio/nasty drugs really did a number on her [some cancers are hormone driven so the first thing the docs do is to destroy the bodies ability to make and use sex hormones, which is like a sledge hammer menopause, but they dont prepare the patients for the other effects - because those are secondary to being alive [yes im pretty sore at the medical profession for that, as is she]

So now we can still cuddle, i can do the manly things around the place, and i can disappear for periods to be with other friends which she is ok with. We spend time in 3 different countries in europe and the caribbean, apart and together so life is actually pretty sweet for us all.

Dont get into a negative - its all about men or that i have opportunities women dont. Some of my partners are older, they have young guys falling over themselves, im sure there are daddy and mummy issues in these sorts of relationships, but persoally i havent seen them.

As i said, polyamory is a pretty wonderful thing, its a lifestyle that if approached correctly leads to spreading happiness, and minimising some things like jealousy

I am definitely with you on the views of medical professionals and their failure of complete disclosure. When it is life and death situation disclosure probably wouldn't have changed the decision much, but at least would have given both of you time to think and talk it through.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I understand and completely agree with all your arguments for an open marriage. Except one little problem: she knew that there was no sex, she must have known that it was a problem for him. I mean, why wouldn't it be a problem? She got sick, not him. And yet she did not offer him a way out, it was his idea to which she could not really afford to say no.

I would be reluctant to put too much interpretation on her not offering. By and large, the person best equipped to think of solutions to a problem is the person experiencing that problem. That isn't always true, especially in a relationship where partners know one another well, but it's usually a good place to start. And sometimes people simply don't think of things even when they might be obvious in hindsight.

Even if they'd never opened the marriage, if she had indeed agreed to make the effort to sleep with him X number of times a month, we could still be asking "is she really okay with this, or is it that she can't afford to say no?" Money and health have a way of creating power imbalances that complicate consent. It's important to be aware of that, and sometimes to dig a little to check whether the other person really is okay with things. But it's not something unique to polyamory.