Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[Mustang Sally]

I didn't hear anything back from him at all. Which is, I guess, the preferable result. I'm glad I said something, if it means there's a tiny chance he's a bit less selfish and weird with the next woman he fucks.

I'm glad you said something too! He needs to know.

 

[Mustang Sally]

I guess these are the things we have to negotiate in poly situations. Does he never come to you (and get a hotel or something)?

No, biggest reason being he doesn't have a car. Actually for the last few years I've only seen him when I'm already in town for other reasons. But with this new "no Saturdays" rule those times won't work anymore. In that way this is actually a significant change.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm glad you said something too! He needs to

No, biggest reason being he doesn't have a car. Actually for the last few years I've only seen him when I'm already in town for other reasons. But with this new "no Saturdays" rule those times won't work anymore. In that way this is actually a significant change.

I am too.

And yes. Hopefully that works out. It's all quite complex isn't it?

 

[Islander55]

I am a bit off topic here but reading these posts made me think the human model might not be the best. Most female animals go into hear, pick out the biggest, strongest male they can find, have one hell of a few days. Then forget about it for a year or so. It certainly is simpler but maybe humans need all the angst that goes with trying to maintain an ongoing relationship.

 

[Mustang Sally]

I am too.

And yes. Hopefully that works out. It's all quite complex isn't it?

Thank you. Yes, it's quite complex, even from where I stand on the edges of his love life. Upon hearing about his new primary (his third in six years) I had to process all the usual "will he still want me?" insecurities - but that part is getting easier. I am more secure in my role this time around, even if I can't quite define it!

 

[IrisAlthea]

Well, I ended up getting laid by the model. That was ... just bloody weird, actually. I can't even go into detail about how it happened, it was all so ... weird. Ultimately, he just kind of turned up here, with the incredibly transparent plan of giving me a 'massage', which of course inevitably turned into sex - which I totally knew was going to happen and so that's really what I was agreeing to. But the sex was just ... fuck, I don't even really know. It really is like he just wants a body to fuck - any body will do. And he has some quite odd tendencies ... I'm not kink shaming, but it's like he isn't even aware that literally tearing holes in a woman's underwear so you can fuck her is not actually 'normal', and is something that should maybe be discussed, or at least you should ask her if that's OK. I honestly have never had such disengaged sex (I guess with the exception of the other two times I fucked him).
I guess I thought that if we at least started with a 'massage', that would slow him down a bit, and there might be some sort of connection ... but honestly, the whole thing was just fucking bizarre. I don't even know why I didn't say something to stop it all - I guess I just thought it might get better, or it was easier to just see it through to it's logical and fairly prompt conclusion. When did I turn into THAT person, who puts up with sex because it's easier than making a fuss?
I am definitely NOT going back there again. I feel a little like I was ... well, not coerced, but sort of nagged into having sex, and then the sex was just too odd to be really enjoyable.
Ugh.

Having slept on it all, I think I actually need to say something to him. The whole situation really was a bit borderline in terms of being consensual, and that's not really cool. I'm fine, because I'm old enough and bitchy enough for it not to affect me unduly. But if he's fucking younger/less confident girls like that, then it's not so fine. What I guess I didn't say in my previous post was that he turned up after I'd specifically said not to come over while I was working - maybe later in the evening, but not right then. I should have just told him to go home then. And I should have just stopped the sex when it wasn't really fun for me. But I can at least say something, so he doesn't continue thinking that it's OK to behave like that. Obviously, the chance is high that it won't make a blind bit of difference.

I’ve had the kind of sex you are talking about a few times. Like you said, it becomes almost surreal and at least for me like watching it frome the outside and thinking ”oh hey, looks like I turned into just a passenger, any passenger…”. How it felt afterwards has been very different depending on the other person, ranging from ”Blergh, not doing that again” to being a bit amused and quite happy with it.
I’m probably weird about things but what really stands out for me is turning up, not even just uninvited but after having been explicitly told not to do so. I can honestly feel my hackles rising just reading that.
My veneer of politness would wear very thin in a situation like that.

 

[KimGordon67]

I’ve had the kind of sex you are talking about a few times. Like you said, it becomes almost surreal and at least for me like watching it frome the outside and thinking ”oh hey, looks like I turned into just a passenger, any passenger…”. How it felt afterwards has been very different depending on the other person, ranging from ”Blergh, not doing that again” to being a bit amused and quite happy with it.
I’m probably weird about things but what really stands out for me is turning up, not even just uninvited but after having been explicitly told not to do so. I can honestly feel my hackles rising just reading that.
My veneer of politness would wear very thin in a situation like that.

Yes, the turning up when I'd explicitly said not to should have really been a huge red flag ...

It sort of reminds me of a meme I saw recently: "Jane Austen's works are timeless classics because she knew the real horrors in life are having to listen to men who think they're better than you, and receiving unannounced visitors".

 

[ultramarineblue]

It’s hard to have your guard up all the time. I guess the most disturbing thing is that he seems unwilling to even be better. It would be different if he communicated what type of thing he was into because there is probably someone somewhere into being used in that way but it’s not a common kink. I’m really struggling to put into words what I’m trying to say so hopefully I make some sense.

 

[KimGordon67]

It’s hard to have your guard up all the time. I guess the most disturbing thing is that he seems unwilling to even be better. It would be different if he communicated what type of thing he was into because there is probably someone somewhere into being used in that way but it’s not a common kink. I’m really struggling to put into words what I’m trying to say so hopefully I make some sense.

Having learnt a little bit more about where he's at at the moment through the small town gossip mill, I think it's highly possible he's forgotten that most people don't have sex like this ... I suspect he's a bit removed from 'normal' everyday life. None of this excuses anything, but it was interesting to get some information that sort of explain things a bit more. (I don't really feel able to go into detail in a semi-public forum ... obviously incredibly over-cautious sometimes!

 

[ultramarineblue]

Having learnt a little bit more about where he's at at the moment through the small town gossip mill, I think it's highly possible he's forgotten that most people don't have sex like this ... I suspect he's a bit removed from 'normal' everyday life. None of this excuses anything, but it was interesting to get some information that sort of explain things a bit more. (I don't really feel able to go into detail in a semi-public forum ... obviously incredibly over-cautious sometimes!

I completely understand not going into detail. Sometimes I worry that I go into too much detail. Anyway, I’m really glad that you were clear with him about all of that not being good with you.

 

[Paul_Chance]

When we encounter people who are "off bubble" in terms of behavior and expectations, it then falls on us to decide whether we want to deal with it or not. My general approach is similar to the one you've taken - have compassion (people end up all over the bubble because of their influences and environment), tell them they're off bubble (so they have awareness) and then let them go.

I don't have the ability to fix people. It's not a magic power I got. If the person has awareness and is trying to correct themselves, I can help them, but that's about it. Honestly, I do a pretty hard evaluation at that point to decide if it is something I want to spend my energy and time on. Often enough the conclusion at the end of that evaluation is wish them the best and walk away.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I hope you are doing well.

 

[KimGordon67]

It's been a while - how is everyone!

 

[quietlylooking]

Glad to see you are back. How are you?

 

[AnnieLit]

Hey! Good to see you are back!
I think this is the only thread that I get email notifications about

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm good. Life is weird. But mostly good weird. Lots of dates ... I had a date with a guy who's 65 last week, who I liked a lot, even thought that's sort of a bit older than I usually prefer. But he surfs, so he's fit and he's also quite healthy, and just an all round interesting guy. He's from a bit of a distance, so we met at a mutually accessible place for dinner, and he had a motel ... I really couldn't get a read on how he felt, even though we had a great dinner, so I just got in my car and drove home, to get a message the next morning saying 'Hope you got home OK - pity you didn't want to stay' . I messaged back to say I had literally no idea he wanted me to ... apparently he was being respectful and didn't want me to feel pressured. lol ... clearly this is a novel concept for me, because I had NO idea what was going on. Anyway, we're hoping to see each other again in September. (It can't happen before then for reasons.)

I had a 'date' a few weeks with the couple who I've been chatting with for over a year. Nothing 'happened', but we had a great night, and a somewhat drunken rambly 1am conversation about the whole situation that I remember very little of. But they're still talking to me, so I guess it was OK!

And the tradie was here the other night ... some may remember him as the never-ending source of angst I had last year [ETA - I remembered after I wrote this post that I was calling him Local Guy, or LG for short]. Long story, but the short version is a very well-respected local guy died a couple of weeks ago, and I knew he was a mate of the tradie's so I messaged to say sorry ... then he messaged a few days later to tell me about the funeral, and he seems so sad so I invited him over for a drink, which happened a couple of days ago. Such a nice night, lots of rambling and a bit of drinking and lots of laughing and it was all just so easy, and then when he left, he gave me a hug, which is what friends do, but also kissed me on the lips, which is NOT what friends do. So now I just don't know ... however, I'm being very Zen about it and just letting him work out what he wants. Because I'm fucked if I can work it out.

Geologist Guy (who I'm sure I mentioned before) turned up again for Round 2, but nothing changed and he was just as flakey as before, so he's now gone for good. He messages every couple of weeks to see if I might like a hook up ... I guess it's good to be optimistic, but I do wonder if he has problems processing things other people say sometimes. Like, my consistent and insistent reiteration that hooks ups just aren't my thing.

LOL - so life is much like it always is.

 

[AnnieLit]

I'm good. Life is weird. But mostly good weird. Lots of dates ... I had a date with a guy who's 65 last week, who I liked a lot, even thought that's sort of a bit older than I usually prefer. But he surfs, so he's fit and he's also quite healthy, and just an all round interesting guy. He's from a bit of a distance, so we met at a mutually accessible place for dinner, and he had a motel ... I really couldn't get a read on how he felt, even though we had a great dinner, so I just got in my car and drove home, to get a message the next morning saying 'Hope you got home OK - pity you didn't want to stay' . I messaged back to say I had literally no idea he wanted me to ... apparently he was being respectful and didn't want me to feel pressured. lol ... clearly this is a novel concept for me, because I had NO idea what was going on. Anyway, we're hoping to see each other again in September. (It can't happen before then for reasons.)

I had a 'date' a few weeks with the couple who I've been chatting with for over a year. Nothing 'happened', but we had a great night, and a somewhat drunken rambly 1am conversation about the whole situation that I remember very little of. But they're still talking to me, so I guess it was OK!

And the tradie was here the other night ... some may remember him as the never-ending source of angst I had last year. Long story, but the short version is a very well-respected local guy died a couple of weeks ago, and I knew he was a mate of the tradie's so I messaged to say sorry ... then he messaged a few days later to tell me about the funeral, and he seems so sad so I invited him over for a drink, which happened a couple of days ago. Such a nice night, lots of rambling and a bit of drinking and lots of laughing and it was all just so easy, and then when he left, he gave me a hug, which is what friends do, but also kissed me on the lips, which is NOT what friends do. So now I just don't know ... however, I'm being very Zen about it and just letting him work out what he wants. Because I'm fucked if I can work it out.

Geologist Guy (who I'm sure I mentioned before) turned up again for Round 2, but nothing changed and he was just as flakey as before, so he's now gone for good. He messages every couple of weeks to see if I might like a hook up ... I guess it's good to be optimistic, but I do wonder if he has problems processing things other people say sometimes. Like, my consistent and insistent reiteration that hooks ups just aren't my thing.

LOL - so life is much like it always is.

The 65 yo sounds promising.
It's interesting that he didn't want you to feel pressured... Who exactly is he looking for? A wife? And when was the last time he was dating anybody?

 

[KimGordon67]

The 65 yo sounds promising.
It's interesting that he didn't want you to feel pressured... Who exactly is he looking for? A wife? And when was the last time he was dating anybody?

I know it's been a year since he got laid ... but no, he's not looking for a wife. I think he's just considerate. He works in domestic violence prevention, so I guess he's also a bit aware of not being a dick.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

I'm good. Life is weird. But mostly good weird. Lots of dates ... I had a date with a guy who's 65 last week, who I liked a lot, even thought that's sort of a bit older than I usually prefer. But he surfs, so he's fit and he's also quite healthy, and just an all round interesting guy. He's from a bit of a distance, so we met at a mutually accessible place for dinner, and he had a motel ... I really couldn't get a read on how he felt, even though we had a great dinner, so I just got in my car and drove home, to get a message the next morning saying 'Hope you got home OK - pity you didn't want to stay' . I messaged back to say I had literally no idea he wanted me to ... apparently he was being respectful and didn't want me to feel pressured. lol ... clearly this is a novel concept for me, because I had NO idea what was going on. Anyway, we're hoping to see each other again in September. (It can't happen before then for reasons.)

I had a 'date' a few weeks with the couple who I've been chatting with for over a year. Nothing 'happened', but we had a great night, and a somewhat drunken rambly 1am conversation about the whole situation that I remember very little of. But they're still talking to me, so I guess it was OK!

And the tradie was here the other night ... some may remember him as the never-ending source of angst I had last year [ETA - I remembered after I wrote this post that I was calling him Local Guy, or LG for short]. Long story, but the short version is a very well-respected local guy died a couple of weeks ago, and I knew he was a mate of the tradie's so I messaged to say sorry ... then he messaged a few days later to tell me about the funeral, and he seems so sad so I invited him over for a drink, which happened a couple of days ago. Such a nice night, lots of rambling and a bit of drinking and lots of laughing and it was all just so easy, and then when he left, he gave me a hug, which is what friends do, but also kissed me on the lips, which is NOT what friends do. So now I just don't know ... however, I'm being very Zen about it and just letting him work out what he wants. Because I'm fucked if I can work it out.

Geologist Guy (who I'm sure I mentioned before) turned up again for Round 2, but nothing changed and he was just as flakey as before, so he's now gone for good. He messages every couple of weeks to see if I might like a hook up ... I guess it's good to be optimistic, but I do wonder if he has problems processing things other people say sometimes. Like, my consistent and insistent reiteration that hooks ups just aren't my thing.

LOL - so life is much like it always is.

Hey Kim! Great to see you posting and to get the latest update. The older guy sounds like he has potential. However, I will admit that my first thought was that one can be respectful while still making their interest clear. There's a middle ground between being so subtle that your date doesn't realize that you are interested and showing up at a woman's house when she explicitly told you not to... yes, we're looking at you male model. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you for a September second date.

Sounds like Local Guy is being his usual mixed signals self. I think you're wise to take the approach of not trying to figure out what's going on in his head. Let him figure it out and come to you. Geologist Guy is a piece of work. I wonder if he has problems hearing things that he doesn't want to hear.

I'm glad to hear that you were able to meet up with the couple and that it was a great time. The question I have is if either of them remember much of the conversation.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hey Kim! Great to see you posting and to get the latest update. The older guy sounds like he has potential. However, I will admit that my first thought was that one can be respectful while still making their interest clear. There's a middle ground between being so subtle that your date doesn't realize that you are interested and showing up at a woman's house when she explicitly told you not to... yes, we're looking at you male model. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you for a September second date.

Sounds like Local Guy is being his usual mixed signals self. I think you're wise to take the approach of not trying to figure out what's going on in his head. Let him figure it out and come to you. Geologist Guy is a piece of work. I wonder if he has problems hearing things that he doesn't want to hear.

I'm glad to hear that you were able to meet up with the couple and that it was a great time. The question I have is if either of them remember much of the conversation.

With GG (that's the older guy - amazingly, his name is actually Guy, so that's making like easier for me), he did actually kiss me - not like a *huge* kiss, but he probably thought that was enough to register his interest, whereas I was a bit like 'WTF was that?'. We're texting every day, so I guess he is keen. It's weird ... I'm still not really sure how I feel about him. He's lovely, we get on really well, he's got a wicked sense of humour buried in there, he's super interesting, but ... 65. Maybe I just need to get over that. I'll be 65 one day too.

And yes, god knows about LG. But I think leaving him be is the best approach. He said himself once that he doesn't deal with pressure very well, and some people can interpret very minor things as 'pressure'. It's so fucking hard though - when he was here, it was like old times, and I was so happy to just hang with him a bit. We've seen each other at various points in the last year, and it's always been ... fine ... but this time just felt a bit different. Actually, a lot different. Like he actively wanted to see me. So ... we'll see.

 

[KimGordon67]

So the LG is coming over this evening. After some slightly flirty messaging at various points in the last few days ... actually, some of it was *very* flirty, but all instigated by him. I'm really trying to hold back a bit, mostly because if he's the one pushing things along, then I know he actually is interested. So we'll see what happens. He's bringing me fish - he's never brought me fish before. (Unfortunately I missed a golden opportunity to make a Tinder-profile-photo-fish joke.)
And the lovely couple messaged the other day, because I was in town and asked if they had any time to catch up. They didn't, but I did get a long message about how they were definitely interested but also very nervous and worried about someone (me, I guess?) getting hurt. Which is really lovely. This is possibly the slowest lead up I've ever had to anything, but I think it's worth taking our time and making sure everyone is happy with whatever happens.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Hey Kim, good to see you back. Age is a difficult one for a lot of people. They start out with "age is just a number"...and then, there is a but...

Thinking about, there are a lot of hidden rules that people carry - often enough without being aware of them, or acknowledging them vocally.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hey Kim, good to see you back. Age is a difficult one for a lot of people. They start out with "age is just a number"...and then, there is a but...

Thinking about, there are a lot of hidden rules that people carry - often enough without being aware of them, or acknowledging them vocally.

There you are! I was just thinking about tracking you down to see if you were still around.

 

[Paul_Chance]

There you are! I was just thinking about tracking you down to see if you were still around.

Still around.

Had kind of a crazy summer - trying to transition out at work (retiring shortly), so that has been a headache and a lot of time, then some personal things going on in my circles, so spending a lot of time there. Both of which add up to popping onto Lit from my phone (not my preferred method) in between activities. A beautiful summer here in this part of California.

 

[AngelicaS1780]

So the LG is coming over this evening. After some slightly flirty messaging at various points in the last few days ... actually, some of it was *very* flirty, but all instigated by him. I'm really trying to hold back a bit, mostly because if he's the one pushing things along, then I know he actually is interested. So we'll see what happens. He's bringing me fish - he's never brought me fish before. (Unfortunately I missed a golden opportunity to make a Tinder-profile-photo-fish joke.)
And the lovely couple messaged the other day, because I was in town and asked if they had any time to catch up. They didn't, but I did get a long message about how they were definitely interested but also very nervous and worried about someone (me, I guess?) getting hurt. Which is really lovely. This is possibly the slowest lead up I've ever had to anything, but I think it's worth taking our time and making sure everyone is happy with whatever happens.

Oh, local guy... I hope that he's not being too much of a flighty flip-flopper. I think that you are wise to hold back and let him do the instigating. But, unfortunately, even if he instigates, he may still decide later that he feels "pressured" again.

As for the couple, I would be curious to know more about the worries that someone will get hurt. It would make sense that they might feel that one or both of them could also get hurt. While caution and careful consideration are very important, I would think it's a strong indication that taking things farther is not for them if their nervousness and worry continue.

And Guy... you've said that you find him very interesting, that you get on well, and that he is fit and healthy. It's easy to be flippant and say "Well, what's the problem then?" I can empathize with the fact that you feel weird about the fact that he is, I'm guessing, 15-20 years older than you. It's definitely not the standard age gap for people who are romantically/sexually involved.