Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

Thank you so much for sharing your journey, I honestly can't imagine how much soul searching has gone before all of this, in fact I can imagine some of it, I'm doing some of it myself now.

I think poly relationships must be difficult, but honestly, so are all relationships worth working on... I'm glad things are going well now, and I hope you and your bf and tinder guy are balancing well.

I've long considered myself to be capable of polyamory but my husband is quite happily monogamous. I'm mostly happy with this because I have only met one or two people that I would be even slightly interested in (and that's including all those who aren't available or who.might not be interested in me) and also because my husband and I have a great thing going. But like you discuss, it's not about a lack in my marriage, I just have more love.to give.

Lit helps keep me mostly sane, a few litsters balance me out a little. Perhaps someday this will become a bigger cloud over me and my happiness will be outweighed by my discontentment. This thread has given me a lot of hope for that day, should it come, and I am glad you are finding a balance and a way to live true to yourself.

I think I probably would have stayed with my husband if monogamy had been the only issue, but it was really one of the smallest thing, and would have been resolvable if all else had been good. He was my rock and the only person I would have ever had a baby with ... one of the things that makes me truly happy is the fact that we still have a great relationship, and actually went out together last week to see a band that we both love.
Sadly, the relationship with the BF doesn't seem to have survived the weekend. I don't even really know for sure what happened - it's all such a chaotic mess - but I realised that I really wasn't getting enough out of the whole thing for the amount that I was putting into it. Great sex is great and all, but it can't be the only thing holding stuff together ... well, not in the context of a relationship in which the other person wants to be the 'most important' anyway.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hope the hangovers faded. Sounds like a good first date.

I always joke I want to give dates three cards like soccer refs.

Green - good job, keep going.
Yellow - you screwed up a little, but you’re still in the game
Red - foul! You’re out!

Make it simple.

That yellow card is just mean!

 

[KimGordon67]

Ha ha, just remembered funny date moment, when we woke up in the morning.
Him: How are you, all OK?
Me: Mmmm, sure, I'm good.
Him: Do you think you might go and let the neighbours know that then?

Apparently I'm a bit loud.

 

[Fermina_Daza]

Hope the hangovers faded. Sounds like a good first date.

I always joke I want to give dates three cards like soccer refs.

Green - good job, keep going.
Yellow - you screwed up a little, but you’re still in the game
Red - foul! You’re out!

Make it simple.

We went to an event recently where they had red, yellow, and green wristbands. I asked what they meant and the woman explained it as the consent guide:

Red - Don’t be an asshole. I don’t want to be touched.
Yellow - You might not be an asshole. Ask before touching.
Green - I like assholes. Touch away.

I snorted - and then chose yellow.

 

[KimGordon67]

We went to an event recently where they had red, yellow, and green wristbands. I asked what they meant and the woman explained it as the consent guide:

Red - Don’t be an asshole. I don’t want to be touched.
Yellow - You might not be an asshole. Ask before touching.
Green - I like assholes. Touch away.

I snorted - and then chose yellow.

Brilliant ... I'm assuming you could change wristbands during the night if you wanted, because consent is an ongoing process.

 

[Fermina_Daza]

Brilliant ... I'm assuming you could change wristbands during the night if you wanted, because consent is an ongoing process.

I think most of those people chose yellow. It was a kink event/leather contest for men. I know consent is still an issue within the gay male community; however, it doesn’t seem to have the same level of concern (?) as pan-het events do.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think most of those people chose yellow. It was a kink event/leather contest for men. I know consent is still an issue within the gay male community; however, it doesn’t seem to have the same level of concern (?) as pan-het events do.

There's actually some interesting issues regarding consent/coercion that are specific to the gay community. So it's nice to see it's being taken seriously by organisors of events like this.

 

[MrRetro]

I think I probably would have stayed with my husband if monogamy had been the only issue, but it was really one of the smallest thing, and would have been resolvable if all else had been good. He was my rock and the only person I would have ever had a baby with ... one of the things that makes me truly happy is the fact that we still have a great relationship, and actually went out together last week to see a band that we both love.
Sadly, the relationship with the BF doesn't seem to have survived the weekend. I don't even really know for sure what happened - it's all such a chaotic mess - but I realised that I really wasn't getting enough out of the whole thing for the amount that I was putting into it. Great sex is great and all, but it can't be the only thing holding stuff together ... well, not in the context of a relationship in which the other person wants to be the 'most important' anyway.

It’s a little sad that your relationship with your ex husband comment survive being that he is obviously someone you connect with on a very deep level.. I guess it goes to show how multi faceted we are and how powerful certain needs can be when they are not being nurtured..

I’m sad to hear your relationship with your BF has ended, I can only assume he didn’t cope well after you returned from your exciting and well deserved date last week.. Is there any hope of recovery here Kim, do you think he might come round to accepting you for who you are..? The sex with your BF must be quite exceptional for you to keep going back..

 

[MrRetro]

Ha ha, just remembered funny date moment, when we woke up in the morning.
Him: How are you, all OK?
Me: Mmmm, sure, I'm good.
Him: Do you think you might go and let the neighbours know that then?

Apparently I'm a bit loud.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being loud..! I bet your new lover enjoyed it..! Any sign of a second date..?

 

[KimGordon67]

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being loud..! I bet your new lover enjoyed it..! Any sign of a second date..?

Indeed ... I'm hoping to see him here on Saturday. It's the town's first food truck night (well, 'evening') market on Saturday evening, a nice short drive to the beach for the sunset, which seems like a pretty good coastal-town date. Hopefully the weather improves!

 

[KimGordon67]

It’s a little sad that your relationship with your ex husband comment survive being that he is obviously someone you connect with on a very deep level.. I guess it goes to show how multi faceted we are and how powerful certain needs can be when they are not being nurtured..

I’m sad to hear your relationship with your BF has ended, I can only assume he didn’t cope well after you returned from your exciting and well deserved date last week.. Is there any hope of recovery here Kim, do you think he might come round to accepting you for who you are..? The sex with your BF must be quite exceptional for you to keep going back..

Honestly, I think my relationship with my husband HAS survived - it's just differently formatted. We remain very close, we continue to look after each other - we joke about not getting divorced because if either of us was on life support, the other one is the only person either of us would trust to make a sensible decision. But that's not really a joke. We just can't be 'in a relationship', and we'd been sort of sliding apart sexually for quite some time. But I would say that we're closer than a lot of people who are still technically 'married', and we're still very much a family.

The BF ... well, that's a different story. He doesn't really do post-relationship 'friendships'. It's all or nothing. I don't know ... I'm taking some time to think about things, to make sure I make the right decision. We've probably broken up 30 times in four years, which isn't really great, but is probably indicative of the general instability of the whole thing.

 

[MrRetro]

Indeed ... I'm hoping to see him here on Saturday. It's the town's first food truck night (well, 'evening') market on Saturday evening, a nice short drive to the beach for the sunset, which seems like a pretty good coastal-town date. Hopefully the weather improves!

I’m happy to hear this Kim..!

 

[MrRetro]

Honestly, I think my relationship with my husband HAS survived - it's just differently formatted. We remain very close, we continue to look after each other - we joke about not getting divorced because if either of us was on life support, the other one is the only person either of us would trust to make a sensible decision. But that's not really a joke. We just can't be 'in a relationship', and we'd been sort of sliding apart sexually for quite some time. But I would say that we're closer than a lot of people who are still technically 'married', and we're still very much a family.

The BF ... well, that's a different story. He doesn't really do post-relationship 'friendships'. It's all or nothing. I don't know ... I'm taking some time to think about things, to make sure I make the right decision. We've probably broken up 30 times in four years, which isn't really great, but is probably indicative of the general instability of the whole thing.

It takes a certain robustness to ones personality to remain friends post relationship, your husband is obviously one of a kind..

30 breakups in 4 years..! I think you have your answer there Kim..

 

[Paul_Chance]

Post-relationship friendships can be challenging in their own right, but when they come together, they work well. But, some people just can't do them. I think it requires a level of self-confidence in both parties, but rather than simply ending the whole relationship based on this or that, being able to point to "this part of the relationship didn't work, but these parts did" and being accepting of all of that.

 

[KimGordon67]

Post-relationship friendships can be challenging in their own right, but when they come together, they work well. But, some people just can't do them. I think it requires a level of self-confidence in both parties, but rather than simply ending the whole relationship based on this or that, being able to point to "this part of the relationship didn't work, but these parts did" and being accepting of all of that.

We have been good at that, and we're both very clear that we emerged from the marriage much better than we went in, both as people and just in terms of what we did together. That's pretty much my marker of success in a relationship - not longevity.

 

[MEbullmoose]

Dear Kim,

As a dominant male I have enjoyed reading your journey. The openness and some are feeling here for all to witness. I think we all struggle at times with our relationships. Whether we are able to stay as friends or not after a breakup. I feel the most important thing to remember is who we are after. Do we wish the other party well or do we harbor anger.

You my gal I sense that you do not harbor I'll feelings. Only you now mourning the list of a loved one.

I know that there have been several here to show you support. Realize this, that you are not alone.

Jerry

 

[Paul_Chance]

We have been good at that, and we're both very clear that we emerged from the marriage much better than we went in, both as people and just in terms of what we did together. That's pretty much my marker of success in a relationship - not longevity.

Yes, I would agree with you there. I have a friend who puts in this way - there is no such thing as a "failed" relationship, as long as you learned something about yourself within the relationship. Even when a relationship ends badly, even if the lesson is formatted as "no way I am putting up with that shit again", we live and grow as human beings.

Strange as it is, sometimes the people who teach us those negative lessons impact our growth more than people who teach us positive lessons.

 

[Paul_Chance]

We went to an event recently where they had red, yellow, and green wristbands. I asked what they meant and the woman explained it as the consent guide:

Red - Don’t be an asshole. I don’t want to be touched.
Yellow - You might not be an asshole. Ask before touching.
Green - I like assholes. Touch away.

I snorted - and then chose yellow.

I think most folks land in yellow. I recall an event I went to with a similar approach, each person wore a small card on which was written what they wanted from the event, as well as a line of how to approach them. There was a lot of good socializing, some serious fucking, and everything in between. I've used that card approach as an ice-breaker in other, non-sexually oriented events, just a card that says "called by name", "why you're here" and "what you want to talk about". LOL - as I recall "Anything but work" was a pretty common what you to talk about.

 

[KimGordon67]

Indeed ... I'm hoping to see him here on Saturday. It's the town's first food truck night (well, 'evening') market on Saturday evening, a nice short drive to the beach for the sunset, which seems like a pretty good coastal-town date. Hopefully the weather improves!

So that second date didn't end up happening ... in part because the (ex)BF had a bit of a freak out, and I had a funny feeling he would turn up in the weekend, but now I have a revolting cold, so it was probably for the best anyway ... and I'm finding that I'm feeling a bit 'hmmm' about the situation with Date Guy. There's a lot of messaging back and forth, but it's pretty much all jokes and random shit - I'm just not feeling a 'he's really *into* you' vibe from it all.

 

[ReaperW]

.....

 

[KimGordon67]

Go with your gut...

Yeah, that's my feeling. I emailed him this morning sort of saying what I said here ... I guess we'll see how he responds. But life's too short. I get that he might just want to keep things casual, and I'd probably prefer that too, but 'casual' doesn't preclude being a bit enthusiastic about getting someone naked again.

 

[KimGordon67]

Yeah, that's my feeling. I emailed him this morning sort of saying what I said here ... I guess we'll see how he responds. But life's too short. I get that he might just want to keep things casual, and I'd probably prefer that too, but 'casual' doesn't preclude being a bit enthusiastic about getting someone naked again.

Ha - turns out (courtesy of a phone call in response to the email) that he's just not the best at saying stuff, and is confused as to why, if someone wants to know something (like how he feels), they don't just ask. I suggested 'hard to read' might be the appropriate descriptor, and he agreed - I'm not the first to have suggested this. So weird - it's not often that being pretty forthright is actually seen as a good thing. Most guys just find it a bit confrontational.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Ha - turns out (courtesy of a phone call in response to the email) that he's just not the best at saying stuff, and is confused as to why, if someone wants to know something (like how he feels), they don't just ask. I suggested 'hard to read' might be the appropriate descriptor, and he agreed - I'm not the first to have suggested this. So weird - it's not often that being pretty forthright is actually seen as a good thing. Most guys just find it a bit confrontational.

I’m glad to see the date went well, I’m glad you emailed him to ask. I look forward to hearing how this progresses!

 

[KimGordon67]

.....

 

[KimGordon67]

Life got a bit difficult, so instead of trying to continue to manage absolutely everything (which is what I'd usually do), I turned a few things off. Mostly the dating-related stuff ... all the apps etc were deleted, and I told the guy from Tinder I wasn't really able to keep seeing him at that time (which he was, predictably, lovely about).

Things are better now ... I did a bit of recalibration, and am feeling more focused. I also learnt a new trick, courtesy of my counsellor, which is to try and be as nice to myself as I am to other people. In this particular instance, it was about saying, in a time of some level of crisis, 'If you screw things up a little bit, that's OK - this is a really difficult situation, and no one would be doing it all perfectly. What you're doing, even if it's imperfect, is still better than doing nothing.'

The 'crisis' was related to the ex-again-BF. Everything is fine now, but he needed quite a lot of help for a while. It's been a little tricky maintaining a balance between giving him that while being resolute about the fact that I don't want to be back in a 'relationship' with him, but I think I'm managing it. It takes a bit of resolve, but I know we'd just be going back to same thing - that leopard isn't going to change its spots any time soon.

And Tinder Guy did an amazingly insightful (or maybe entirely accidental) job of staying on the periphery but not disappearing ... just messaging a funny meme every now and then, or an interesting news story, entirely unobtrusive, but just like he was saying 'I'm just over here when you're feeling better'. Which was quite sweet.
I'm see him again in a week and a bit. I do have a much clearer idea of how I want that to go though, which is good.
And the dating apps haven't been reinstalled ... sometimes that all gets a bit frenetic, and it feels good to just take a break for a while. There's a couple of guys who are probably out there going 'WTF?', because we were chatting a bit and then I disappeared. (Tinder especially doesn't really allow you to leave a 'sorry' message - you just kind of go 'poof'.) But oh well ... that's the nature of online contacts sometimes.