Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[MrRetro]

Life got a bit difficult, so instead of trying to continue to manage absolutely everything (which is what I'd usually do), I turned a few things off. Mostly the dating-related stuff ... all the apps etc were deleted, and I told the guy from Tinder I wasn't really able to keep seeing him at that time (which he was, predictably, lovely about).

Things are better now ... I did a bit of recalibration, and am feeling more focused. I also learnt a new trick, courtesy of my counsellor, which is to try and be as nice to myself as I am to other people. In this particular instance, it was about saying, in a time of some level of crisis, 'If you screw things up a little bit, that's OK - this is a really difficult situation, and no one would be doing it all perfectly. What you're doing, even if it's imperfect, is still better than doing nothing.'

The 'crisis' was related to the ex-again-BF. Everything is fine now, but he needed quite a lot of help for a while. It's been a little tricky maintaining a balance between giving him that while being resolute about the fact that I don't want to be back in a 'relationship' with him, but I think I'm managing it. It takes a bit of resolve, but I know we'd just be going back to same thing - that leopard isn't going to change its spots any time soon.

And Tinder Guy did an amazingly insightful (or maybe entirely accidental) job of staying on the periphery but not disappearing ... just messaging a funny meme every now and then, or an interesting news story, entirely unobtrusive, but just like he was saying 'I'm just over here when you're feeling better'. Which was quite sweet.
I'm see him again in a week and a bit. I do have a much clearer idea of how I want that to go though, which is good.
And the dating apps haven't been reinstalled ... sometimes that all gets a bit frenetic, and it feels good to just take a break for a while. There's a couple of guys who are probably out there going 'WTF?', because we were chatting a bit and then I disappeared. (Tinder especially doesn't really allow you to leave a 'sorry' message - you just kind of go 'poof'.) But oh well ... that's the nature of online contacts sometimes.

Sometimes a break can provide some cleansing, a little clarity and some perspective.. It sounds like it was just what you needed, regardless of the outcome with either man..

I confess though, I do miss your updates..

 

[KimGordon67]

Happy Christmas everyone. I'm hoping for a better year to come ... actually, a better decade.

 

[cookiecat]

Happy Christmas everyone. I'm hoping for a better year to come ... actually, a better decade.

I was thinking about dating and the year ahead. I missed your post from 12-3 about self care, deleting the dating apps, etc. Today was a great day to read it.

It really is about loving ourselves first. Being kind to ourselves. For a long time, I would get distracted from my own stuff by investing so much time into my partner. Then, if the relationship faltered, I'd jump ship as fast as possible. Hoping to outrun my issues maybe?

Anyways, thanks for checking in, Kim. I look forward to hearing how your 2020 goes.

 

[Dreamliner]

Hey Kim, look up, look out, no doubt you will have a great year coming up.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Kim, thank you for this thread. I'm still reading through it... it will take time, but I appreciate your bringing these concepts into the discussion. It isn't easy to be so open about your own wants and needs when they are contrary to the mainsteam, even less so when it originally was filled with difficulties and false starts. Thank you.

~fellow litster navigating ethical polyamory in sometimes troubled seas.

 

[KimGordon67]

It's a new year

So things finished with the ex-BF for good in a pretty firey blaze that involved the police and various social services. He's not in a good way, and I wish I could do more for him, but I am very demonstrably not the right person to be helping him, so I've backed right away from that. It wasn't a pleasant experience - Christmas was pretty lacklustre - but I've spent most of the last week sleeping and with friends, and now it's the new year here (and everywhere?), I feel like I'm definitely ready for a new start.

Oh, and Tinder Guy ghosted me. WTF is up with that? Is it really so difficult to just say 'sorry, not really working out for me'? Grrrr. I may have sent a slightly cranky email when I realised what was going on.

So, the sun is shining here. I'm in the city at my ex-husband's place while he's in Melbourne, but I'm heading home with the spawn in a couple of days. I have busy schedule of swimming and sunbathing planned, interspersed with eating, and have a very old friend (and his newish girlfriend) coming to stay for a couple of nights.

Hope everyone's new year is good! With any luck, this thread will pick itself up and shake itself out and be full of fun adventures in the months to come. xxx

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I'm sorry to hear about all of that Kim, but I'm glad that you made healthy decisions for yourself and were safe about it.
Ghosts are the pits, but swimming and sunbathing sounds like a plan to me!

 

[Chewbacca79]

Somehow, not sure exactly how, I've ended up in a poly relationship with two submissives. I'm a little overwhelmed.
These ladies are from a different site and were already in a dynamic. One is an experienced switch, the other a very inexperienced sub.
I had spoken with them both on friendly terms many times, always being careful not to step over any boundaries or on any limits. This developed into them having an agreement that they could "play" (hate that term but I'm a bit hungover) with me separately of each other.

Long story short, they both enjoyed and have asked me to be the Dominant partner in a poly dynamic (this is all online, though the plan is to meet in six months if we are all happy...and can afford it!).

This is both scary and exciting. I'm not an experienced Dom. The switch recognises this and has said she wants to help me become the Dom she thinks I can be.

She is a truly lovely lady, though I have a nagging concern in the back of my head and this is where I turn to you all for advice.

Am I setting myself up for failure here? I know that even a Dom needs to be mentored, but should it be within the dynamic?

 

[Blase]

Am I setting myself up for failure here? I know that even a Dom needs to be mentored, but should it be within the dynamic?

I don't see why not.

My first online partner was a sub who I met here on Lit. I had come here simply to read stories, with no real thoughts about becoming part of a virtual community, let alone finding a sub: I'd never been involved in D/s! But all of that changed rather quickly as I started posting on the boards and somehow found myself messaging with a lovely girl who had a fair amount of experience as a submissive.

Did she have things to teach me? Yes, indeed.

Did that make it hard for us to have a dynamic where she was the one obeying? No, because we both had sense enough to let each other be real people.

 

[cookiecat]

Somehow, not sure exactly how, I've ended up in a poly relationship with two submissives. I'm a little overwhelmed.
These ladies are from a different site and were already in a dynamic. One is an experienced switch, the other a very inexperienced sub.
I had spoken with them both on friendly terms many times, always being careful not to step over any boundaries or on any limits. This developed into them having an agreement that they could "play" (hate that term but I'm a bit hungover) with me separately of each other.

Long story short, they both enjoyed and have asked me to be the Dominant partner in a poly dynamic (this is all online, though the plan is to meet in six months if we are all happy...and can afford it!).

This is both scary and exciting. I'm not an experienced Dom. The switch recognises this and has said she wants to help me become the Dom she thinks I can be.

She is a truly lovely lady, though I have a nagging concern in the back of my head and this is where I turn to you all for advice.

Am I setting myself up for failure here? I know that even a Dom needs to be mentored, but should it be within the dynamic?

You need to start your own thread! What an interesting dynamic.

This sounds like a great situation. They already know each other and have shown they communicate well. You have a potential partner who is willing to work with you. Why not try?

Growing within the dynamic sounds like the best!

 

[Chewbacca79]

You need to start your own thread! What an interesting dynamic.

This sounds like a great situation. They already know each other and have shown they communicate well. You have a potential partner who is willing to work with you. Why not try?

Growing within the dynamic sounds like the best!

I'm not sure there's be enough interest for that!

I've been speaking to the switch today. All I can do it take it at face value. At the back of my mind there was a fear that I'll be a puppet on a string a little bit, but we've laid out some clear rules.

- In scene, unless something goes wrong, I am in control, even if she is Domming the other submissive, so what I say goes.

- After scenes we will all talk freely about what we liked, what we didn't, what we want more of and less of.

- We have a very clear rule that real life comes first. We all work, all have shit going on.

So, yeah. We'll see.

 

[AnnieLit]

Hi Kim,
Started reading this thread and stumbled on your phrase about "and then I will need to undress in front of him! Aaaa! Kill me now!" (Ok, this is me writing from memory, I am sure you phrased it differently, but idea was the same.) As you might imagine this is a VERY common problem for women of our age. I don't know how common this is, but on my road of self-acceptance pictures helped a lot. First taking them just for myself, then sharing with One, then with many. As in AmPics many, the link is in my signature.

What I would suggest is give yourself a late Christmas gift - do a professional photo session. You can even rationalize it as needing good quality pictures for the dating sites Start with conventional photographers -- look up people that have studios in your area, flip through their portfolios. Do they show only young and thin? Skip those. Only modest lingerie? Skip. If nothing catches your eye, go on FetLife and look at women of about the right age. Are any of them have great pictures? Ask them who took them. If they happen to be selfies and they are amateurs, not pros... Well, compliments on their skills will get you far enough that they might agree to help you.

Good luck!
Annie

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm not sure there's be enough interest for that!

I've been speaking to the switch today. All I can do it take it at face value. At the back of my mind there was a fear that I'll be a puppet on a string a little bit, but we've laid out some clear rules.

- In scene, unless something goes wrong, I am in control, even if she is Domming the other submissive, so what I say goes.

- After scenes we will all talk freely about what we liked, what we didn't, what we want more of and less of.

- We have a very clear rule that real life comes first. We all work, all have shit going on.

So, yeah. We'll see.

These seems like imminently sensible 'rules', although with the exception of #1 I'd tend to just call them 'things we've agreed we'll do'. I have a bit of an aversion to calling things 'rules', largely I guess because 'rules' tends to imply things that are put in place without agreement ... but that's probably just me being pedantic.

My experience is obviously that these dynamics tend to evolve, but that's just my experience, and clearly it can work differently for different people. The talking thing is, for me, crucial. I think that it can be easy to assume that the person on the d side of the equation enjoys what they're doing just because they're in charge, which is, I think, related to your puzzlement that a dom might benefit from 'mentoring'. If one of the women is more experienced, she's likely to have a better understanding of what you're getting from it all - not entirely, because you're you, but somewhat. With TG this wasn't something we talked about a great deal - sometimes, but not often - but with the (now very ex) BF, we did a lot, and it was important to me to understand how controlling me made him feel, what he was getting out of it. That was obviously our relationship, and what you have might not be quite so much about the emotional depth.

I would suggest approaching it with the expectation of some fun. Be prepared for things to go wrong, be willing to have a laugh about stuff. I've always found having a joke threading through things can be helpful - with both TG and the exBF, one of those jokes was about calling them 'Sir'. For me, that bit of humour helps keep everything a bit more balanced - but obviously that's not for everyone. I don't know that we talk about humour in the d/s dynamic enough though.

 

[Chewbacca79]

These seems like imminently sensible 'rules', although with the exception of #1 I'd tend to just call them 'things we've agreed we'll do'. I have a bit of an aversion to calling things 'rules', largely I guess because 'rules' tends to imply things that are put in place without agreement ... but that's probably just me being pedantic.

My experience is obviously that these dynamics tend to evolve, but that's just my experience, and clearly it can work differently for different people. The talking thing is, for me, crucial. I think that it can be easy to assume that the person on the d side of the equation enjoys what they're doing just because they're in charge, which is, I think, related to your puzzlement that a dom might benefit from 'mentoring'. If one of the women is more experienced, she's likely to have a better understanding of what you're getting from it all - not entirely, because you're you, but somewhat. With TG this wasn't something we talked about a great deal - sometimes, but not often - but with the (now very ex) BF, we did a lot, and it was important to me to understand how controlling me made him feel, what he was getting out of it. That was obviously our relationship, and what you have might not be quite so much about the emotional depth.

I would suggest approaching it with the expectation of some fun. Be prepared for things to go wrong, be willing to have a laugh about stuff. I've always found having a joke threading through things can be helpful - with both TG and the exBF, one of those jokes was about calling them 'Sir'. For me, that bit of humour helps keep everything a bit more balanced - but obviously that's not for everyone. I don't know that we talk about humour in the d/s dynamic enough though.

For clarification...

Rules just a word I used, you're right, its just what we have agreed. I don't have puzzlement at a Dom needing mentoring. I know I need it. It just seems in this dynamic to be slightly odd to me. Maybe that's just me though. I also worry about it adding pressure to the switch, as she is also mentoring the sub.

The rest of what you've said is spot on, though. I am very much looking at it as fun. I am looking at myself as a newcomer to their dynamic and while it will only ever be "fun", I know I have to show that they have not made a mistake in inviting me into it. As for finding the humour in it all, we've already done that. Personality wise, we bounce off each other nicely.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hi Kim,
Started reading this thread and stumbled on your phrase about "and then I will need to undress in front of him! Aaaa! Kill me now!" (Ok, this is me writing from memory, I am sure you phrased it differently, but idea was the same.) As you might imagine this is a VERY common problem for women of our age. I don't know how common this is, but on my road of self-acceptance pictures helped a lot. First taking them just for myself, then sharing with One, then with many. As in AmPics many, the link is in my signature.

What I would suggest is give yourself a late Christmas gift - do a professional photo session. You can even rationalize it as needing good quality pictures for the dating sites Start with conventional photographers -- look up people that have studios in your area, flip through their portfolios. Do they show only young and thin? Skip those. Only modest lingerie? Skip. If nothing catches your eye, go on FetLife and look at women of about the right age. Are any of them have great pictures? Ask them who took them. If they happen to be selfies and they are amateurs, not pros... Well, compliments on their skills will get you far enough that they might agree to help you.

Good luck!
Annie

Haha - no, I don't think I would have phrased anything quite like that, but you've caught the essence of how I feel accurately. It's bloody horrible, isn't it. I have thought about doing the am pics thing - maybe I'll come back to that thought. I am about to give myself a spring upgrade. I'm pretty terrible at even just basic stuff like getting a decent haircut, and it can honestly be six months between trips to the hairdressers, so I'm going to rectify that, and try to sort out all the other bits that niggle. (Like, apparently not everyone just hacks at their toenails with some clippers and leaves it at that, but they get these things called 'pedicures'. Who knew??? ) Summer has just started here, which means more swimming and just generally being outside - that always makes me happier about my body. Your idea about a professional photo shoot is lovely (and another thing I was vaguely looking at), but unfortunately I just don't have the spare cash for that sort of thing - any money like that is far better directed at rejuvenating my somewhat sad wardrobe. (It's one of the side benefits of dating again - it kind of forces me to buy something new and pretty so I have something halfway decent to wear.)

I'll keep thinking about it. xxx

 

[KimGordon67]

For clarification...

Rules just a word I used, you're right, its just what we have agreed. I don't have puzzlement at a Dom needing mentoring. I know I need it. It just seems in this dynamic to be slightly odd to me. Maybe that's just me though. I also worry about it adding pressure to the switch, as she is also mentoring the sub.

The rest of what you've said is spot on, though. I am very much looking at it as fun. I am looking at myself as a newcomer to their dynamic and while it will only ever be "fun", I know I have to show that they have not made a mistake in inviting me into it. As for finding the humour in it all, we've already done that. Personality wise, we bounce off each other nicely.

I think you're halfway there then - sharing humour is a significant thing. (Quite possibly the switch likes being in the mentoring role - lots of people, me included, enjoy helping other people 'learn' -that's a terrible choice of words, but you know what I mean.)

 

[Chewbacca79]

I think you're halfway there then - sharing humour is a significant thing. (Quite possibly the switch likes being in the mentoring role - lots of people, me included, enjoy helping other people 'learn' -that's a terrible choice of words, but you know what I mean.)

We have similar taste in films, stuff like that. The odd quote gets dropped in, it's a lot of fun.

I think she does enjoy mentoring, yes, otherwise why would she take us both on? She's incredibly good, very constructive with her feedback and as opposed to criticising, she will always say things like "perhaps you could have done it this way".

She's so lovely.

 

[KimGordon67]

We have similar taste in films, stuff like that. The odd quote gets dropped in, it's a lot of fun.

I think she does enjoy mentoring, yes, otherwise why would she take us both on? She's incredibly good, very constructive with her feedback and as opposed to criticising, she will always say things like "perhaps you could have done it this way".

She's so lovely.

Keep up the good work!

I sometimes wonder if introducing the d/s dynamic makes it even harder to find people we're compatible with? Like, you need to connect on all the standard levels like movies, humour, etc, but then you have to be able to successfully navigate the minefield of control and submission, which has more variations than something that has a lot of variations. But maybe that's the case with all sex?

I'm a bit sad, because the second (and, as it turns out, last) time I had sex with Tinder Guy, which was extremely brief (I might write about the whole 'date' later on), there were a couple of moments where I though 'fuck, yes, that's perfect'. He had a particular way of using his legs to hold me still that was surprisingly effective, in part because he's a big guy who races motorbikes, so I guess he has quite strong legs. I like someone who can restrain without needing 'things' - 'things' are good, but sometimes in the heat of the moment, you don't want to have to be ferretting around to find the 'things'. There was also a moment where I'd reached up to grab the headboard to push back, and he immediately put his un-busy hand around my wrist to hold it there. Sigh. So much promise.

Chewie, just a thought - if you're a little discombobulated by the idea of being 'mentored' within the dynamic (have I got that right?), maybe use the boards as a way of picking up ideas that come from elsewhere. The pic threads are great for that, and some of the conversations that happen in these threads are also full of information of things that make various submissive women just melt.

 

[Chewbacca79]

Keep up the good work!

I sometimes wonder if introducing the d/s dynamic makes it even harder to find people we're compatible with? Like, you need to connect on all the standard levels like movies, humour, etc, but then you have to be able to successfully navigate the minefield of control and submission, which has more variations than something that has a lot of variations. But maybe that's the case with all sex?

I'm a bit sad, because the second (and, as it turns out, last) time I had sex with Tinder Guy, which was extremely brief (I might write about the whole 'date' later on), there were a couple of moments where I though 'fuck, yes, that's perfect'. He had a particular way of using his legs to hold me still that was surprisingly effective, in part because he's a big guy who races motorbikes, so I guess he has quite strong legs. I like someone who can restrain without needing 'things' - 'things' are good, but sometimes in the heat of the moment, you don't want to have to be ferretting around to find the 'things'. There was also a moment where I'd reached up to grab the headboard to push back, and he immediately put his un-busy hand around my wrist to hold it there. Sigh. So much promise.

Chewie, just a thought - if you're a little discombobulated by the idea of being 'mentored' within the dynamic (have I got that right?), maybe use the boards as a way of picking up ideas that come from elsewhere. The pic threads are great for that, and some of the conversations that happen in these threads are also full of information of things that make various submissive women just melt.

I've been looking busily, here and elsewhere. There's a lot of very useful information out there. The switch isn't heavily rooted in protocol, more feeling and respect. I like that. Feels more natural and fits in with my outlook. There are a few essays on here that I struggle to maintain interest in (no offence to anyone who authors these essays), but even those I've been able to pull out useful information.

 

[KimGordon67]

I've been looking busily, here and elsewhere. There's a lot of very useful information out there. The switch isn't heavily rooted in protocol, more feeling and respect. I like that. Feels more natural and fits in with my outlook. There are a few essays on here that I struggle to maintain interest in (no offence to anyone who authors these essays), but even those I've been able to pull out useful information.

Yes, I'm not a great one for the protocol either - great for those for whom it works, but for me that (and I guess 'rules') makes it all feel a bit too much like a game. I totally get that it's not like that for everyone, but it is for me. I like exploring and just seeing where things go. I have very slight switch tendencies myself, but the d side tends to only come out in the heat of the moment - probably something to do with adrenaline or something. I think if there were 'rules', that might not end up happening.

 

[Chewbacca79]

Yes, I'm not a great one for the protocol either - great for those for whom it works, but for me that (and I guess 'rules') makes it all feel a bit too much like a game. I totally get that it's not like that for everyone, but it is for me. I like exploring and just seeing where things go. I have very slight switch tendencies myself, but the d side tends to only come out in the heat of the moment - probably something to do with adrenaline or something. I think if there were 'rules', that might not end up happening.

Agree 100%. So far the limited play we've had as a three has been a huge amount of fun and has felt natural. I think some of this is because there is basic respect in place, we all know our roles and like you said, are seeing where things go.

 

[KimGordon67]

Dating site exchange of the week:
Him: 'You don't have your weight listed - is that a touchy subject?'
*His profile literally says 'size doesn't matter', and mine clearly says I haven't listed my weight because I actually have no idea how much I weigh.*
Me: 'It's not a touchy subject for me, but it's obviously an issue for you, so I suggest you keep looking.'
Him: 'Are you a fat chick?'
Me: 'Is there some bit of 'keep looking' that you're struggling with? Or do you get some sort of kick from insulting strangers?'
Him: 'Never mind - you're not what I'm looking for.'
Me: "Yeah - that feeling is pretty mutual.'
Him: 'I'm guessing your [sic] a fat lonely guy.'
Me: 'I'm guessing you're a dick.'

... yes, I probably shouldn't have degenerated into that, but honestly, some guys! Somewhere in there he also called me 'desperate'.

 

[Blase]

... yes, I probably shouldn't have degenerated into that, but honestly, some guys! Somewhere in there he also called me 'desperate'.

I'm guessing that Mr Suave is better off frequenting Cafe Internet, where only virtual drinks can be thrown in his face.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm guessing that Mr Suave is better off frequenting Cafe Internet, where only virtual drinks can be thrown in his face.

His profile literally says 'I'm not a shallow person'.

It's amazing how many guys on these sites think they're god's gift to womankind, and then immediately resort to the 'fat chick' trope when you don't respond to their attentions appropriately.

 

[Blase]

His profile literally says 'I'm not a shallow person'.

It's amazing how many guys on these sites think they're god's gift to womankind, and then immediately resort to the 'fat chick' trope when you don't respond to their attentions appropriately.

Lol, except of course you *did* respond to his attentions appropriately.