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Laughter is Contagious

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wally2450 said:
Harvard Reading Test

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without
a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat









Now go back and read the third word in each line from the
top down.
Click to expand...

And I was so proud that I got through it with NO mistakes!!!! LMAO, Wally
 
techsan said:
Jacob and Rebecca

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice ?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Click to expand...



LMAO ROFF​

You have to register SOMEWHERE!!!!!!
 
Aussie Humor


An Aboriginal elder, sat in his humpy eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.


One official said to him, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."


The elder nodded in agreement.


"Considering all these events," the official continued, "in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"


The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Aboriginals were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty kangaroo. Plenty fish. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."


Then the elder leaned back and smiled before adding, "Only white man bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that."
 
kayte said:
Aussie Humor


An Aboriginal elder, sat in his humpy eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.


One official said to him, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."


The elder nodded in agreement.


"Considering all these events," the official continued, "in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"


The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Aboriginals were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty kangaroo. Plenty fish. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."


Then the elder leaned back and smiled before adding, "Only white man bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that."
Click to expand...

MUMBLE GRUMBLE

no spew alerts no more --

wipe wipe

cleaning screen :D
 
kayte said:
Aussie Humor


An Aboriginal elder, sat in his humpy eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.


One official said to him, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."


The elder nodded in agreement.


"Considering all these events," the official continued, "in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"


The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Aboriginals were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty kangaroo. Plenty fish. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."


Then the elder leaned back and smiled before adding, "Only white man bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that."
Click to expand...
ROFLMAO! :rose:
 
 
Daily Humor
September 26, 2006


I was glancing over the cover of a women's magazine I'd just bought. One title caught my eye: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives." I decided to get a firsthand account. "What's your innermost fear about my working?" I asked my husband. "That you'll quit," he promptly replied.

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Linda G McClenon
 
A woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight, when her husband walked in.

He stood, watching her for a while, and then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband then asked, "What did he say about your 56-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.
 
Did you hear about the farmer who planted a field of dildos ??



He's been invaded by squatters now :D
 
An Epidemic of Epic Proportions​

http://kimandjason.com/blog/images/sick_guy.gif A common condition occurring in people between the ages of 21–121, marked by chronic dullness, mild depression, moderate to extremely high stress levels, a general fear of change, and, in some extreme cases, the inability to smile. Patients can appear aimless, discontent, and anxious about many things. Onset can be accelerated by an excess burden of bills, overwhelming responsibilities, or a boring work life. Generally, individuals in this condition are not fun to be around.

Read more!
 
pleaz_me said:
A woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight, when her husband walked in.

He stood, watching her for a while, and then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband then asked, "What did he say about your 56-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.
Click to expand...
LOL! :devil:
 
Absolution

The Pope decided to grant absolution to three sinners.
The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.

The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"

"I hired people to break into the Watergate Hotel."

The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant
you absolution."

Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin,
son?"

"I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied.
"Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you
absolution."

A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your
name?"

"Monica Lewinsky." The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm.....
Perhaps you should remain standing."
 
PARKING TICKET

The other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a shithead.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age!
 
A story about anger management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Stephen. May I please speak with Robin Carter"? Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW M3 cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me and then stuck his middle finger out the window and waved it around. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, ( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW M3 for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a very modern white house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!"
(But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a white house, and to make it easy for you, my black BMW M3 is parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole. Bring your lunch!!"
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!!!
 
From limiwa ...

Smuggler.............

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders.

The border guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "Sand!" The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects ... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand into the bags, places them on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated....

"What have you there?"

"Sand"

"We want to examine it."

Same results...nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again. Every two weeks for a year the inspections continue. Eventually, the border guard retires and one day he happens to see the guy downtown.

He says to the fellow, "Buddy, you drove me crazy. I know you were smuggling something. For 30 years I was a border guard and I thought I'd seen everything, but I was never been able to figure out what you were up to. I won't say anything, but what were you smuggling?"

The fellow says, "Bicycles."
 
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