Laughter is Contagious
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techsan
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?? THE YEAR 1906??
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906 :
************************************
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City
cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles
of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more
heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st
most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over
the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists
said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,
regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian
of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least
one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !
Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing
it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States,
possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH ...?
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906 :
************************************
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City
cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles
of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more
heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st
most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over
the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists
said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,
regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian
of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least
one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !
Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing
it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States,
possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH ...?
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Sometimes it DOES take a rocket scientist
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-
pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets
and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is
to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to
test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was
fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the
barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a
bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-
pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets
and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is
to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to
test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was
fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the
barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded
itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a
bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Love is...
LOVE IS
* A Sea Of Emotions Entirely Surrounded By Expenses
* A Situation Which Happens When You Think Almost As Much
Of Another As You Do Of Yourself
* A Strange Feeling That Comes Over A Man; When He Keeps
Wanting To Call A Girl By His Last Name
* A Word Used To Label The Sexual Excitement Of The Young,
The Habituation Of The Middle Aged, And The Mutual Depend-
ence Of The Old
* An Emotion, Even If Unreturned, Has Its Rainbow
* Is A Fan Club With Only Two Members
* Is Like Measles; Much Worse When It Comes Late In Life
* Is Like The Action Similar To An Hourglass: The Heart Fills
As The Brain Empties
* Is Like War; Simple To Begin But REALLY HARD to Stop
* Man's Grand Delusion That One Woman Differs From Another
* Sharing Whatever you've Got With Whomever you're Getting
It From
* Something They Say Is Blind; It's Marriage Which Is The
Real Eye Opener
* The Child Of Illusion And The Parent Of Disillusion
* The Last And Most Serious Of The Childhood Diseases
* The Most Slippery Word In The Human Language
* The Only Fire For Which There Is No Insurance
* The Only Game That Two Can Play And Both Win
* The Warm Feeling You Get Towards Someone Who Meets Your
Neurotic Needs
LOVE IS
* A Sea Of Emotions Entirely Surrounded By Expenses
* A Situation Which Happens When You Think Almost As Much
Of Another As You Do Of Yourself
* A Strange Feeling That Comes Over A Man; When He Keeps
Wanting To Call A Girl By His Last Name
* A Word Used To Label The Sexual Excitement Of The Young,
The Habituation Of The Middle Aged, And The Mutual Depend-
ence Of The Old
* An Emotion, Even If Unreturned, Has Its Rainbow
* Is A Fan Club With Only Two Members
* Is Like Measles; Much Worse When It Comes Late In Life
* Is Like The Action Similar To An Hourglass: The Heart Fills
As The Brain Empties
* Is Like War; Simple To Begin But REALLY HARD to Stop
* Man's Grand Delusion That One Woman Differs From Another
* Sharing Whatever you've Got With Whomever you're Getting
It From
* Something They Say Is Blind; It's Marriage Which Is The
Real Eye Opener
* The Child Of Illusion And The Parent Of Disillusion
* The Last And Most Serious Of The Childhood Diseases
* The Most Slippery Word In The Human Language
* The Only Fire For Which There Is No Insurance
* The Only Game That Two Can Play And Both Win
* The Warm Feeling You Get Towards Someone Who Meets Your
Neurotic Needs
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Posts
- 6,165
Here's another one of those that isn't really laughter but I just had to share it ...
Gesture of Love
Gesture of Love
techsan
...just chugging along
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Heaven or Hell
THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Scotch & Water.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
techsan
...just chugging along
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"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN .... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ...."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today!
"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes.
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN .... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ...."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today!
"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes.
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Evening friends! I haven't been here for awhile....I'm so glad I stopped by tonight....I need a laugh! So here is my contribution...I hope you all haven't seen it yet!!!!
********
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a sea t at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne: The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. And my last batch of hens was infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
********
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a sea t at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne: The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. And my last batch of hens was infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
techsan
...just chugging along
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
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The Cork
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.!
If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out ?"
I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
God Bless America
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.!
If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out ?"
I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
God Bless America
leevining
Really Experienced
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- Jul 27, 2006
- Posts
- 195
Howdy folks:
Drinks Show Your Personality
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay!
_________________
Drinks Show Your Personality
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay!
_________________
copperbutterfly
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2004
- Posts
- 8,770
Please forgive me if I did this!!!!! Needless to say I laughed my ass off!!!!!
Biker and a Squirrel
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect!
The weather has been unseasonably warm in Austin, Texas, so I got the bike out to go for a ride. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really wasn't going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close.
I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, fear not. Squirrels, I have discovered, can take care of themselves!
inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming VTX with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for "Bonsai", or maybe, "Die you gravy sucking,heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me, If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans. This squirrel was causing me more than a little concern. In fact, the furry little tornado was doing some serious damage to my clothes and my skin!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel....and losing.....!
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But, this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The force of the throw and only having one hand on the handlebars (the throttle hand) caused a jerking backward motion which put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. This is what the VTX is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The VTX screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in.....well.....I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This left the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle.....my brain was just simply overloaded. I did managed to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time, the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As this faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. However, it had little effect on the squirrel. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed-out ( since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so the bikes front end started to drop.
Now, picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-faced helmet.
By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand....I managed to grab the squirrels tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked....sort-of....Spectacularly, sort-of...so to speak...but not exactly in a good way.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel and screaming bloody murder, roars by and with all is strength throws a squirrel grenade directly into your police car!
I heard screams. They weren't mine....I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess-up (and to get my glove back). Honest, I really would have.
Except for two things. First, the cops didn't seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at that moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the patrol car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat is now standing in the street and aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were definitely not interested in me, at this point in time.
Besides, they often say to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one reason for not going back. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat of the patrol car. And I could swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me! That is one dangerous squirrel! Now he has taken control of a police car. A somewhat shredded police car....but is was all his....no question about it.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal,made a gentle right turn off Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves......and a large box of Band-Aids.
Biker and a Squirrel
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect!
The weather has been unseasonably warm in Austin, Texas, so I got the bike out to go for a ride. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really wasn't going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close.
I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, fear not. Squirrels, I have discovered, can take care of themselves!
inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming VTX with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for "Bonsai", or maybe, "Die you gravy sucking,heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me, If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans. This squirrel was causing me more than a little concern. In fact, the furry little tornado was doing some serious damage to my clothes and my skin!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel....and losing.....!
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But, this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The force of the throw and only having one hand on the handlebars (the throttle hand) caused a jerking backward motion which put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. This is what the VTX is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The VTX screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in.....well.....I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This left the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle.....my brain was just simply overloaded. I did managed to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time, the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As this faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. However, it had little effect on the squirrel. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed-out ( since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so the bikes front end started to drop.
Now, picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-faced helmet.
By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand....I managed to grab the squirrels tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked....sort-of....Spectacularly, sort-of...so to speak...but not exactly in a good way.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel and screaming bloody murder, roars by and with all is strength throws a squirrel grenade directly into your police car!
I heard screams. They weren't mine....I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess-up (and to get my glove back). Honest, I really would have.
Except for two things. First, the cops didn't seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at that moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the patrol car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat is now standing in the street and aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were definitely not interested in me, at this point in time.
Besides, they often say to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one reason for not going back. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat of the patrol car. And I could swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me! That is one dangerous squirrel! Now he has taken control of a police car. A somewhat shredded police car....but is was all his....no question about it.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal,made a gentle right turn off Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves......and a large box of Band-Aids.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
One day, while a man is walking down the sidewalk, he sees a woman on the other side of the street with the most beautiful breasts he has ever seen.
Fascinated with them, he approaches the women and says "If I give you 100 dollars, will you let me bite your breasts?"
The woman replied "Sorry, but I'm not like that."
At the next street corner the man catches up to the woman again and says "If I give you 1000 dollars can i bite your breasts?"
Once again the woman says, "Sorry but i wont let you do that."
After cutting through a few allies the man catches up to the woman yet again, this time asking " If i give you 10,000 dollars can i bite your breasts?"
The woman says, "Well, that is a lot of money and i could really use it. I don't see any harm, why not?"
They go to a dark alley. She unbuttons her shirt and the man proceeds to touch, lick, caress, and rub her breasts.
Finally the woman asks, "Aren't you going to bite them?"
The man replied, "Nah", he shrugged. "Too expensive."
Fascinated with them, he approaches the women and says "If I give you 100 dollars, will you let me bite your breasts?"
The woman replied "Sorry, but I'm not like that."
At the next street corner the man catches up to the woman again and says "If I give you 1000 dollars can i bite your breasts?"
Once again the woman says, "Sorry but i wont let you do that."
After cutting through a few allies the man catches up to the woman yet again, this time asking " If i give you 10,000 dollars can i bite your breasts?"
The woman says, "Well, that is a lot of money and i could really use it. I don't see any harm, why not?"
They go to a dark alley. She unbuttons her shirt and the man proceeds to touch, lick, caress, and rub her breasts.
Finally the woman asks, "Aren't you going to bite them?"
The man replied, "Nah", he shrugged. "Too expensive."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Family Jewelry
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known
artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with one-carat diamond earrings, a large
2 carat diamond ring with baguettes... glimmering emerald bracelets, and
a beautiful, red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is
having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her,
and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known
artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with one-carat diamond earrings, a large
2 carat diamond ring with baguettes... glimmering emerald bracelets, and
a beautiful, red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is
having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her,
and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
- Status
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