Laughter is Contagious

[x_y_zed]

A young Navy Officer was in a bad car accident, but due to the heroics
of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and
eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive
about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the
Command Master Chief position.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you
notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you
are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts
your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of
tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, a Aviation Service Master Chief, when asked this
same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The
Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Submarine Master Chief. He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two
Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead
with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear
contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Submarine Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with only one fucking ear."

 

[pleaz_me]

OMG... these are allll too funny! Thanks for the laughs everyone!

 

[Gypsybyrd]

Agency makes breaking up easier
A German businessman has set up a "separation agency" - a service to inform unsuspecting spouses and lovers their partners no longer want them.

Bernd Dressler will deliver the bad news - for those too scared to do it themselves - for 20 euros (£13) by phone, or for 50 euros (£33) in person.

The efficiency and directness of Mr Dressler's manner has earned him the nickname The Terminator.

The 52-year-old compares his company to a dating agency but "in reverse".

'Only the messenger'

"We have had dating agencies for 30 years. If you want to have a new partnership then you have to quit your previous one.

"I think it's the same market - just in reverse," Mr Dressler told the BBC.

The message can be delivered in a "sympathetic or direct manner". Mr Dressler said that most of his clients do not want any further contact with their ex-partner.

The client is asked to provide three reasons why they want to terminate the relationship - these are then passed on by the agency to the former lover.

"The time is right for this service. Many clients are unhappy in their partnerships and they want to end it in a neutral way," Mr Dressler said.

The former insurance manager said he has been fortunate never to have witnessed any extreme emotional reactions.

"I am only the messenger," he said.

 

[rozezwild]

There is almost no other

Least pepsi-co makes dew too

Yeppers -- gotta love Pepsi Co.

 

[rozezwild]

Did you hear about the farmer who planted a field of dildos ??



He's been invaded by squatters now

OMFG


i about pissed myslef laughing

 

[rozezwild]

Roze, I KNEW you'd find that one!

Ya know it

 

[techsan]

They're back! Church Bulletins.
Thank God for church ladies with errant keyboard skills.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins around the U.S.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the St. Martin's Church. Please use
large double doors at the side entrance.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Jack's sermons.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth Into Joy."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing o f every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The Priest unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"​

 

[techsan]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish..................................49.
Adventurous.........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic.................................No breasts.
Average looking.....................Moooo.
Beautiful...............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit.............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous...........................Very Fat.
Large frame..........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate...................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's do it now
6. I am bored = Do you want to do it?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to do it with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to do it with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to do it with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to do it with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.

 

[done_got_old]

http://sidesplitters.catastrophe.net/arch/2006/truth-about-hummers.jpg

 

[kayte]

Hypno-Therapy


A woman tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"


"Margie referred me to a hypnotist," she replies. "He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."


"Well, that is wonderful," her husband replies.


H"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years," says his wife. "Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it.


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


"Wow! That was wonderful!" exclaims his wife.


The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time! The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.


This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

 

[done_got_old]

That was toooooo funny Kayte!

 

[kayte]

That was toooooo funny Kayte!

Your contributions here are so grand DGO. Glad you like the one I left.


Based on the positive response, here is another....


Sex Pun Joke

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"


The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy.


A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.


The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"


Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.


The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring ... this is the worst case of Van Aerial Disease I've ever seen!"

 

[done_got_old]

I love puns!

 

[kayte]

I love puns!

I do too. My Dad used to share them with us when I was a kid. Such groaners too.

Of course the one above isn't one I think I am going to forward to him.

 

[pleaz_me]

Your contributions here are so grand DGO. Glad you like the one I left.


Based on the positive response, here is another....


Sex Pun Joke

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"


The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy.


A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.


The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"


Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.


The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring ... this is the worst case of Van Aerial Disease I've ever seen!"

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is toooooooooooooo cute!

 

[rozezwild]

Hypno-Therapy


A woman tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"


"Margie referred me to a hypnotist," she replies. "He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."


"Well, that is wonderful," her husband replies.


H"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years," says his wife. "Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it.


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


"Wow! That was wonderful!" exclaims his wife.


The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time! The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.


This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i would so shoot him

 

[rozezwild]

Your contributions here are so grand DGO. Glad you like the one I left.


Based on the positive response, here is another....


Sex Pun Joke

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"


The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy.


A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.


The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"


Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.


The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring ... this is the worst case of Van Aerial Disease I've ever seen!"

OHHHHHHH hello

 

[SexSweetheart]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish..................................49.
Adventurous.........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic.................................No breasts.
Average looking.....................Moooo.
Beautiful...............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit.............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous...........................Very Fat.
Large frame..........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate...................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's do it now
6. I am bored = Do you want to do it?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to do it with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to do it with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to do it with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to do it with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.

Very cute and weird

 

[SexSweetheart]

Daily Humor
September 27, 2006


I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which should have read "Attorney at Law" at the top of the first page. After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. "Must you rub it in?" he asked. I had typed: "Attorney at Last."

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Donna Grieve

 

[pleaz_me]

Daily Humor
September 27, 2006


I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which should have read "Attorney at Law" at the top of the first page. After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. "Must you rub it in?" he asked. I had typed: "Attorney at Last."

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Donna Grieve

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ooops!

 

[wally2450]

Hypno-Therapy


A woman tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"


"Margie referred me to a hypnotist," she replies. "He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."


"Well, that is wonderful," her husband replies.


H"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years," says his wife. "Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it.


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


"Wow! That was wonderful!" exclaims his wife.


The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time! The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.


This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

LOL!!

 

[wally2450]

Ralph, the rooster

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now.

You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.

Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.
Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

 

[wally2450]

A young Navy Officer was in a bad car accident, but due to the heroics
of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and
eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive
about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the
Command Master Chief position.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you
notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you
are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts
your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of
tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, a Aviation Service Master Chief, when asked this
same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The
Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Submarine Master Chief. He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two
Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead
with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear
contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Submarine Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear
glasses with only one fucking ear."

ROFLMAO!

 

[leevining]

Way Too True

http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l255/leevininig/image5.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l255/leevininig/image5.jpg

Too true!