Laughter is Contagious

[leevining]

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly; she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location. "Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee!!!!

 

[techsan]

Your contributions here are so grand DGO. Glad you like the one I left.


Based on the positive response, here is another....


Sex Pun Joke

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"


The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in sadomasochistic ecstasy.


A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.


The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"


Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.


The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring ... this is the worst case of Van Aerial Disease I've ever seen!"

ROTFLMAO!

Kayte, that is toooooooooooooooooo funny!

 

[techsan]

Thieves on the loose!

The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target. While admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and never know what hit them.

I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is.

A passer-by with a digital camera phone happened to capture the photo below.

Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.

Good Luck

Don't say you weren't warned


V
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http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/P-T/Thieves.jpg

 

[pleaz_me]

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now.

You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.

Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air.
Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

Tooooooooooooooooooooo fecking funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l255/leevininig/image5.jpg

LOL! They need one at every crossing

 

[pleaz_me]

Good Luck

Don't say you weren't warned

{{{{{Tech}}}}} That is tooooo cute!

 

[wally2450]

Short Story

 

[pleaz_me]

HAHAHAHAHA.... wonder if she was brave enough to write her name on the top of the paper!

 

[limiwa]

Hillary Clinton was spending the morning at a Junior High school
in Ithaca, New York to talk to the children about her job as a US Senator.

After her talk, she offered question time. One little boy puts
up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And third - Whatever happened to all the stuff you and President Clinton took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rang for recess. Hillary Clinton informed the kids that they would continue after recess.

When they resumed, Hillary said, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
Who has a question?"

A different little boy raised his hand; the esteemed Senator
from New York pointed him out and asked him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions: First - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - Whatever happened to all the stuff you and President Clinton took when you left the White House?
Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - What happened to Kenneth?"

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.topplebush.com/humor/vision.jpg

 

[limiwa]

DGO, even I think that's funny

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/U-Z/What01.gif
?
?
What will I be when I grow up?
?
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/U-Z/What02.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/U-Z/What03.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/U-Z/What04.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/U-Z/What05.jpg



If you don't pass this along, a dog will
come out and pee on your computer!



(((((Poof)))))




?
?
?





http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/U-Z/What06.jpg

I guess you didn't send it fast enough!​

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

Who brought the cat?

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/Cat.jpg

 

[techsan]

From rozezwild ...

Why is the US Navy better than the Iraqi Navy?

US Navy
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Navy01.jpg

Iraqi Navy
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Navy02.jpg

 

[techsan]

Look closely at the package.
Just below the words Fresco Lavado....

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Lettuce.jpg

Dont forget this brand of fresh lettuce, folks.

What probably happened is, the water the lettuce was washed in contained polliwogs and these became fresh new frogs, right in the packages.

So if you're looking for salad fixins with a little more body, then be sure and try this brand.

Don't forget, it's the extra care that Mexican companies take that makes the difference.

 

[techsan]

The dollar
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar01.jpg


Verily I say unto ye.......... Money
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

It can buy a house
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar03.jpg

But not a home
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

It can buy a clock
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar04.jpg

But not time
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

It can buy you a position
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

But not respect
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

It can buy you a bed
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar05.jpg

But not sleep
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg
(continued)

​

 

[techsan]

(continued from above)
It can buy you a book
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar06.jpg

But not knowledge
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

It can buy you medicine
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar07.jpg

But not health
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

It can buy you blood
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar08.gif

But not life
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

So you see money isn't everything
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

And it often causes pain and suffering
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

I tell you this because I am your friend
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg
(continued)
​

 

[techsan]

(continued from above)
And as your friend I want to

Take away your pain and suffering!!

So ...
Send me all your money
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

And I will suffer for you!
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar02.jpg

Cash only please!

After all, what are friends for, huh??
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Dollar09.gif

I HOPE THIS MADE YOU SMILE!!! ​

 

[pleaz_me]

Lol.... and here I thought that was going to be a sweeeeeeeeeeet one!


Ummm... loved the Navy photos... but what did the Iraqi navy look like? I couldn't get past the U.S. Navy

 

[kayte]

Good morning {{{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you for all of the grins and giggles and the "eye candy" too.


This is not nearly as effective as the pic of the Navy men but funny.



Zen Thinking


1. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


3. Don't worry.... it only seems kinky the first time.


4. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


5. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


7. No one is listening until you fart.

 

[kayte]

http://www.topplebush.com/humor/vision.jpg

Good morning {{{DGO}}}} That is funny but sad and scary at the same time!

 

[angel4u2lust4]

Great thread lol omg the stuff is so funny

 

[wally2450]

Thanks...

for all the laffs!

 

[SexSweetheart]

Daily Humor
September 29, 2006


I was shopping in a large department store in mid-January. All the rush of the holiday and post-holiday sales was over, and the place seemed quite empty. One saleswoman, however, was swamped in packages. As she went by me with an armload of boxes, she explained, "MacArthurs." A few minutes later she passed me again with another batch of cartons. "More MacArthurs," she said. Then I saw her again and again with still more packages. "Full of MacArthurs," she said, smiling. When I saw her for the fifth time, I asked, "Miss, could you tell me what in the world MacArthurs are?" As she carried away yet another armload, she winked at me and said, "I shall return."

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Renny Hartmann

 

[done_got_old]

If Men Had Periods...​

Since history was recorded, male human beings have built whole cultures around the idea that penis-envy is "natural" to women - -though having such an unprotected organ might be said to make men more vulnerable, and the power to give birth makes womb-envy at least logical. In short, logic has nothing to do with it. What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not? The answer is clear - menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event:


Men would brag about how long and how much.


Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.


The US Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.


Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)


Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("You have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("Can women be aggresive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("Without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean").


Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("You MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.


Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you are lookin' good") by giving fives and saying, Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!"


TV shows would treat the subject at length. * "Happy Days": Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row. * So would newspapers.(JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) * And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers"!)


Men would convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself - though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.


Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguements. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets - and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every