Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

http://img79.imageshack.us/img79/9126/mgg0101wj6.gif

 

[techsan]

Good morning {{{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}}

...


7. No one is listening until you fart.

Good morning {{{{{{{{{{kayte}}}}}}}}}}

LMAO! These are right on! Got me to laughing this morning.

Thanks...

 

[kayte]

Oh my wally ~ That is great!

 

[kayte]

Daily Humor
September 29, 2006


I was shopping in a large department store in mid-January. All the rush of the holiday and post-holiday sales was over, and the place seemed quite empty. One saleswoman, however, was swamped in packages. As she went by me with an armload of boxes, she explained, "MacArthurs." A few minutes later she passed me again with another batch of cartons. "More MacArthurs," she said. Then I saw her again and again with still more packages. "Full of MacArthurs," she said, smiling. When I saw her for the fifth time, I asked, "Miss, could you tell me what in the world MacArthurs are?" As she carried away yet another armload, she winked at me and said, "I shall return."

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Renny Hartmann

Thank you SexSweetheart!

That is so grand!

 

[kayte]

If Men Had Periods...​

Since history was recorded, male human beings have built whole cultures around the idea that penis-envy is "natural" to women - -though having such an unprotected organ might be said to make men more vulnerable, and the power to give birth makes womb-envy at least logical. In short, logic has nothing to do with it. What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not? The answer is clear - menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event:


Men would brag about how long and how much.


Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.


The US Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.


Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)


Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("You have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("Can women be aggresive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("Without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean").


Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("You MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.


Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you are lookin' good") by giving fives and saying, Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!"


TV shows would treat the subject at length. * "Happy Days": Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row. * So would newspapers.(JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) * And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers"!)


Men would convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself - though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.


Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguements. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets - and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every

Oh my {{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}} Thank you! This is a keeper!!

 

[dcraz]

If Men Had Periods...​

Since history was recorded, male human beings have built whole cultures around the idea that penis-envy is "natural" to women - -though having such an unprotected organ might be said to make men more vulnerable, and the power to give birth makes womb-envy at least logical. In short, logic has nothing to do with it. What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not? The answer is clear - menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event:


Men would brag about how long and how much.


Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.


The US Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.


Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)


Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("You have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("Can women be aggresive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("Without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean").


Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("You MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.


Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you are lookin' good") by giving fives and saying, Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!"


TV shows would treat the subject at length. * "Happy Days": Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row. * So would newspapers.(JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) * And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers"!)


Men would convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself - though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.


Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguements. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets - and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every

I don't get it...

 

[done_got_old]

I don't get it...

....try this then

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"


The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

[wally2450]

Funnies

"My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world",
complained Mike, the harried husband to a sympathetic
friend. "Last year she found a blonde hair on my
jacket and she didn't speak to me for a week. Six
months ago she said there was a red hair near my shirt
collar... and there was no sex for a month."

"That's not so bad," said the friend.

"Oh yeah," said Morris, "Yesterday she beat me over
the head with a pan, screaming and claiming because
she found no hairs in six months... that I am now
going out with bald bitches !"

========

While at the Benihanna steak house, my son in law
began choking on some thing that was in the fried
rice. Our cook had severed a finger joint making the
food and I thought maybe that was what perhaps
choking my son in law.

My daughter who has had Red Cross training knocked her
husband down and jumped on him with her knees in his
chest and had both hands around his neck.

It worked and he coughed up some thing under the
table.

I told my daughter I thought the Heimlich anti choking
maneuver was supposed to be done by grabbing the
victim around the waist from the back.

"It is done differently when you are married,"
she said to me sweetly.

 

[wally2450]

http://img79.imageshack.us/img79/9126/mgg0101wj6.gif

LOL!!

 

[wally2450]

Unwanted Hair

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.literacyrules.com/lit/french_fry.jpg

 

[kayte]

....try this then

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"


The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

That is great DGO ~ You always find such grand ones.

 

[kayte]

"My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world",
complained Mike, the harried husband to a sympathetic
friend. "Last year she found a blonde hair on my
jacket and she didn't speak to me for a week. Six
months ago she said there was a red hair near my shirt
collar... and there was no sex for a month."

"That's not so bad," said the friend.

"Oh yeah," said Morris, "Yesterday she beat me over
the head with a pan, screaming and claiming because
she found no hairs in six months... that I am now
going out with bald bitches !"

========

While at the Benihanna steak house, my son in law
began choking on some thing that was in the fried
rice. Our cook had severed a finger joint making the
food and I thought maybe that was what perhaps
choking my son in law.

My daughter who has had Red Cross training knocked her
husband down and jumped on him with her knees in his
chest and had both hands around his neck.

It worked and he coughed up some thing under the
table.

I told my daughter I thought the Heimlich anti choking
maneuver was supposed to be done by grabbing the
victim around the waist from the back.

"It is done differently when you are married,"
she said to me sweetly.

Good evening wally ~ Love these funnies. Especially the one about the Heimlich manuver!

 

[kayte]

LMAO! Thank you wally!


Unwanted Hair

 

[done_got_old]

Your Pin Number

 

[techsan]

If Men Had Periods...​

Since history was recorded, male human beings have built whole cultures around the idea that penis-envy is "natural" to women - -though having such an
...
measuring the cycles of the moon and planets - and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every

LMAO! DGO, it took me three hours to read this...I kept rolling on the floor trying to wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes...!!!

 

[done_got_old]

LMAO! DGO, it took me three hours to read this...I kept rolling on the floor trying to wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes...!!!

I'm glad you liked it.

 

[limiwa]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded
into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the
curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver,"Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"

Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they
never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do
that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should
happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be
something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a
smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets
his decision when, after exiting the airport, the
Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
(Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal
until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose
my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,
goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief,"he says to the
dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop
tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and
five.

"So bust him,"says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he 's really
important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of
persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well,"said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes
you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

 

[techsan]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The pr esident was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

 

[techsan]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The pr esident was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

 

[limiwa]

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days

And Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town. After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel.

The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her Manager, "go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed. These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference."

The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business.

As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, "you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!"
"dead?" Says His Friend, "why Do You Say That?"
"well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving Her."

His Friend Says, "could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch."
"a Witch, Why The Hell Would You Say That?"
"well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window."

 

[limiwa]

The Deer Hunter


Saturday morning a Deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly,

gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and

goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his

favorite hunting area.


Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a

torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and

the wind is blowing 50 mph.



Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the

house and turns the TV to the weather channel where the forecast

is terrible weather all day long, so he puts his truck in the garage,

quietly undresses and slips back into bed.


There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different

anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."


To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid

husband is out hunting in that Shit?

 

[limiwa]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."


She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

 

[limiwa]

Employee of The Month
======================

This employee was awarded the "Employee of The Month" award for
extreme dedication and untiring effort on the job.

Specifically he was credited with the ability to multi-task and
perform more than one function at once.

The view the employee in action, click the link below:

http://www.mountainwings.com/past/6270.htm

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

Guess the cup size
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http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/cup01.jpg
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> Bet you get it wrong!
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> Okay, what did you guess?
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> The truth revealed........Scroll down
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> This kid's gonna hate his Mom for this some day!
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http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/cup02.jpg
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> MADE YOU SMILE DIDN'T IT!