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limiwa said:
good one thanks
Laughter is Contagious
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good one thanks
wally2450
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Blonde patient
Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the
gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young
blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he
asked.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the
gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young
blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he
asked.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
limiwa
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Glad you enjoyed it...wally2450 said:
Willie Nelson's public statement
Heard this on radio this morning:
Willie Nelson's public statement regarding being caught with a bag of Marijuana:
"It's a good thing I had a bag of Marijuana instead of a bag of spinach. I'd be dead by now."
done_got_old
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done_got_old
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SexSweetheart
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This is too Good to Wait for Thanksgiving.
Pregnant Turkey
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.
She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Pregnant Turkey
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.
She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
limiwa
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I personally think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead; just get it right out of the way.
You wake up in a senior care facility and start feeling better every
Day.
You get kicked out of there for being too healthy, go collect your
Pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're "generally" promiscuous and you
Get ready for High School.< BR>
After High School, you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play
Or nap all day, you have no responsibilities.
You become a baby with no cares whatsoever.
Then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries
Like central heating, spa treatments, room service on tap, larger living
Quarters everyday...and then...
You finish off as an orgasm!
I personally think it would be much better that way ... Because this getting old stuff ...
Just sucks.
You should start out dead; just get it right out of the way.
You wake up in a senior care facility and start feeling better every
Day.
You get kicked out of there for being too healthy, go collect your
Pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're "generally" promiscuous and you
Get ready for High School.< BR>
After High School, you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play
Or nap all day, you have no responsibilities.
You become a baby with no cares whatsoever.
Then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries
Like central heating, spa treatments, room service on tap, larger living
Quarters everyday...and then...
You finish off as an orgasm!
I personally think it would be much better that way ... Because this getting old stuff ...
Just sucks.
done_got_old
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sweetslut25
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For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from *government* employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
leevining
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Traffic Jam
GOOD MONDAY MORNING!
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" "What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. "
"We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "on average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."
GOOD MONDAY MORNING!
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" "What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. "
"We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "on average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."
done_got_old
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11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.
done_got_old
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techsan
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From rozezwild...
Mad Wife Disease
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
Mad Wife Disease
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
techsan
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From pleaz_me ...
What men do when they get bored. (I don't think these will stay posted very long.)
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bored01.jpg http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bored03.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bored02.jpg http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bored04.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bored05.jpg
What men do when they get bored. (I don't think these will stay posted very long.)
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bored01.jpg http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bored03.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bored02.jpg http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bored04.jpg
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/bored05.jpg
wally2450
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Exam answers
At a recent open house at a suburban high school, a parent wandered into a teacher's office that was empty, and looked around the room. Posted on the bulletin board was a list of sentences that the teacher's students have written on exam papers through the years.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think.
Three kinds of blood vessels or the arteries, veins and caterpillars.
The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now.
A thermometer is an instrument for rasing temperance.
To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water out and put the cork in quick.
A litre is a nest of young baby animals.
A vacuum is a U-tube with a flask at one end.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood, you'll get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body warps the mind.
The human is more intelligent than the beast because the human has more convulsions.
To remove dust from the eye: Pull the eye over the nose.
For head colds: Use an agonizer to spray nose until it drops into your throat.
For snake bite: Bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. lmho lmho lmho
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
The process of turning steam into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find in a bad apple.
Ammonium chloride is also silly maniac.
The school is ventilated by hot currents.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
Typhoid fever may be prevented by fascinations.
Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about. lmho lmho
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
Sound is a rapid series of osculations.
The moon is planet just like the earth only deader.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmer's grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, a farmer may get a crop of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on the leaves when the sun makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the precess by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
Sea water is has the formula CH20
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
The hydra gets its food by descending upon its pray and pushing it into its mouth with its testicles.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
The cerebrum is a cavity in the head.
The hookworm larva enters the human body through the soul.
At a recent open house at a suburban high school, a parent wandered into a teacher's office that was empty, and looked around the room. Posted on the bulletin board was a list of sentences that the teacher's students have written on exam papers through the years.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made men think.
Three kinds of blood vessels or the arteries, veins and caterpillars.
The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now.
A thermometer is an instrument for rasing temperance.
To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water out and put the cork in quick.
A litre is a nest of young baby animals.
A vacuum is a U-tube with a flask at one end.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood, you'll get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body warps the mind.
The human is more intelligent than the beast because the human has more convulsions.
To remove dust from the eye: Pull the eye over the nose.
For head colds: Use an agonizer to spray nose until it drops into your throat.
For snake bite: Bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. lmho lmho lmho
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
The process of turning steam into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find in a bad apple.
Ammonium chloride is also silly maniac.
The school is ventilated by hot currents.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
Typhoid fever may be prevented by fascinations.
Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about. lmho lmho
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
Sound is a rapid series of osculations.
The moon is planet just like the earth only deader.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmer's grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, a farmer may get a crop of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on the leaves when the sun makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the precess by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
Sea water is has the formula CH20
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
The hydra gets its food by descending upon its pray and pushing it into its mouth with its testicles.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
The cerebrum is a cavity in the head.
The hookworm larva enters the human body through the soul.
techsan
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- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
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MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN.....
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They
all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome:
tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts To walk
slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time........
No one moves...................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps....................................
He whispers......................................
"Iron this...then get me a beer."
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They
all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome:
tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts To walk
slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
One button at a time........
No one moves...................
He removes his shirt................
Muscles ripple across his chest..........
She gasps....................................
He whispers......................................
"Iron this...then get me a beer."
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