Laughter is Contagious
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leevining
Really Experienced
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Holy Cow! I found some more and ran over here to share them with folks who REALLY appreciate humor
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
_________________
The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects
of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I
think it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor
who's sober?"
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
_________________
The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects
of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I
think it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor
who's sober?"
leevining
Really Experienced
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One day, a Navy Chief went to the Officer's Club with his Captain
to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found
the place was quite crowded. They did notice three Lieutenants
sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Captain asked them
if they could join them. They promptly did so. They ordered lunch
and joined Lieutenants in conversation as they ate.
At one point, the Chief mentioned that he had observed
characteristics about many officers from which he could determine
the source of their commissioning. The Lieutenants' were eager to
hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had
been commissioned.
The Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went
through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and
asked how he had noticed this. The Chief replied that the
Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong
academic background but limited military experience.
The Chief then told the Lieutenant on his right that he had gone
through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant
confirmed that this was correct and also asked how he had
determined this. The Chief said, again through his conversation,
that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and
a lot of common sense.
The Lieutenant across the table from the Chief asked if he had
determined his source of commission. The Chief replied that the
Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy.
The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if the Chief had
noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or
other superior qualities acquired at Annapolis.
The Chief replied that it was none of these that led to his
determination. He had simply observed the Lieutenant's class ring
while the Lieutenant was picking his nose.
to eat lunch. When they entered the main dining room, they found
the place was quite crowded. They did notice three Lieutenants
sitting at a table with two empty chairs, so the Captain asked them
if they could join them. They promptly did so. They ordered lunch
and joined Lieutenants in conversation as they ate.
At one point, the Chief mentioned that he had observed
characteristics about many officers from which he could determine
the source of their commissioning. The Lieutenants' were eager to
hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had
been commissioned.
The Chief turned to the Lieutenant on his left and said he went
through ROTC. The Lieutenant confirmed that was correct and
asked how he had noticed this. The Chief replied that the
Lieutenant, through his conversation, seemed to have a strong
academic background but limited military experience.
The Chief then told the Lieutenant on his right that he had gone
through OCS with previous enlisted service. The Lieutenant
confirmed that this was correct and also asked how he had
determined this. The Chief said, again through his conversation,
that the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background and
a lot of common sense.
The Lieutenant across the table from the Chief asked if he had
determined his source of commission. The Chief replied that the
Lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy.
The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if the Chief had
noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or
other superior qualities acquired at Annapolis.
The Chief replied that it was none of these that led to his
determination. He had simply observed the Lieutenant's class ring
while the Lieutenant was picking his nose.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- 135,693
Two Old Ladies
Two old ladies, Mabel and Maude, are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Mabel pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
"What the hell is that?" asks Maude.
"A condom," replies Mabel. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?" asks Maude.
"You can get them at any drugstore," says Mabel.
The next day, Maude hobble herself into the local drugstore and tells the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at Maude kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter, Sonny," says Maude, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
And that's when the pharmacist fainted
Two old ladies, Mabel and Maude, are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Mabel pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
"What the hell is that?" asks Maude.
"A condom," replies Mabel. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?" asks Maude.
"You can get them at any drugstore," says Mabel.
The next day, Maude hobble herself into the local drugstore and tells the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at Maude kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter, Sonny," says Maude, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
And that's when the pharmacist fainted
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- 269,162
You will be there before you know it! 
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
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- Dec 2, 2005
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- 47,698
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about,
he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could
look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick...... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about,
he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could
look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick...... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.
pleaz_me
Icing Queen
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- Dec 2, 2005
- Posts
- 47,698
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly
on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced
me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly
on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced
me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
done_got_old
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done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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I don't think your boss would enjoy it.Gypsybyrd said:OMFG! I KNOW soooo many people I could send this to. hehehehe
SexSweetheart
Sexy Submissive Lover
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- Jan 15, 2003
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Daily Humor
October 6, 2006
I went to the pet store for an aquarium filter. I also wanted a fantail goldfish, but was disappointed to see that all the fantails looked alike. Discouraged, I proceeded to the checkout counter. Sitting on the cash register was a bowl containing a single fantail. A card said that the fish's name was Wanda. She was special, but probably not for sale. I stared longingly at her as the cashier rang up the filter. "Anything else for you today?" "I don't suppose you'd be at all interested in selling Wanda?" I said. "Of course I can sell you Wanda," he replied as he took her bowl down. "Are you sure?" "Sure, I'm sure," he said with a smile and a wink. "I sell Wanda every day."
- submitted to Reader's Digest by June Plymale
http://bestsmileys.com/halloween3/19.gif
October 6, 2006
I went to the pet store for an aquarium filter. I also wanted a fantail goldfish, but was disappointed to see that all the fantails looked alike. Discouraged, I proceeded to the checkout counter. Sitting on the cash register was a bowl containing a single fantail. A card said that the fish's name was Wanda. She was special, but probably not for sale. I stared longingly at her as the cashier rang up the filter. "Anything else for you today?" "I don't suppose you'd be at all interested in selling Wanda?" I said. "Of course I can sell you Wanda," he replied as he took her bowl down. "Are you sure?" "Sure, I'm sure," he said with a smile and a wink. "I sell Wanda every day."
- submitted to Reader's Digest by June Plymale
http://bestsmileys.com/halloween3/19.gif
leevining
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2006
- Posts
- 195
Women vs Beer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the Winner is???
Which one of these 2 will prevail? Let's find out! It's really win/win haha
BEER VS WOMEN
1.Beer is always satisfying. Women needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2.Warm beer is awful.
One point to Women
3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4.Censored - We'll give this to Women.
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of Women your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Women in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to Women
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you're with a Women in public, you become a legend.
One point to Women
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Women he may buy you a beer.
One point to Women
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Women and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to Women
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to Women
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to Women
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets mad.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner,ale,lager,etc
One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it
One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 WOMEN: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER repost this if it made you laugh, cry or just want to have a beer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the Winner is???
Which one of these 2 will prevail? Let's find out! It's really win/win haha
BEER VS WOMEN
1.Beer is always satisfying. Women needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2.Warm beer is awful.
One point to Women
3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4.Censored - We'll give this to Women.
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of Women your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Women in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to Women
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you're with a Women in public, you become a legend.
One point to Women
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Women he may buy you a beer.
One point to Women
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Women and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to Women
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to Women
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to Women
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets mad.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner,ale,lager,etc
One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it
One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 WOMEN: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER repost this if it made you laugh, cry or just want to have a beer.
done_got_old
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leevining
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