Laughter is Contagious

[wally2450]

At least one will apply to someone you know Gentle Thoughts for Today-- Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. A penny saved is a government oversight. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL." If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs." Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, or leaks. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. First you forget names, then you forget faces Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

 

[wally2450]

I wonder how DGO would handle this little darling...

A first grade teacher had a small number of children
gathered around a table for a reading group.

After the story was read she gave the children a work
sheet to do.

She thought they may have some problems so wanted
them to work on it there.

She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly,"We don't say
that in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big
and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

 

[kayte]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFHFLFfB11g

That has me LMAO!!! Thank you {{{{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}

 

[kayte]

High Urinals

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders,

accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field

trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race

track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.



When it was time to take the children to the bathroom,

it was decided that the girls would go with one

teacher and the boys would go with the other. The

teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the

men's room when one of the boys came out and told her

that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no

choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their

pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one,

holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away

from their clothes.



As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that

he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that

she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the

fourth grade."



HE REPLIED: "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the

7th race today.

 

[done_got_old]

I wonder how DGO would handle this little darling...

A first grade teacher had a small number of children
gathered around a table for a reading group.

After the story was read she gave the children a work
sheet to do.

She thought they may have some problems so wanted
them to work on it there.

She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly,"We don't say
that in school."


The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big
and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

I never had that happen but I did have a new student tell me to 'suck his dick'. He became one of my very best students when he got over the shock of my reply.

 

[wally2450]

I never had that happen but I did have a new student tell me to 'suck his dick'. He became one of my very best students when he got over the shock of my reply.

Pray tell us what come from Mt. Olympus on high!

 

[done_got_old]

Pray tell us what come from Mt. Olympus on high!

I told him that one, he had me confused with someone at home and two, he didn't have a mouthful. This was 7th grade and I had taught a few of the kids the year before. The kid turned beet red and stared at me like I had three heads. I asked him if he'd like to go and talk to the principal or if this was going to be the end of it. He chose not to go to the office. The kids teased him for weeks about that.

He was at our school on an adjustment transfer.....ie he'd been asked to leave his previous school because of his behavior. He wasn't suspended that year or the next.

 

[wally2450]

I told him that one, he had me confused with someone at home and two, he didn't have a mouthful. This was 7th grade and I had taught a few of the kids the year before. The kid turned beet red and stared at me like I had three heads. I asked him if he'd like to go and talk to the principal or if this was going to be the end of it. He chose not to go to the office. The kids teased him for weeks about that.

He was at our school on an adjustment transfer.....ie he'd been asked to leave his previous school because of his behavior. He wasn't suspended that year or the next.

Sounds like you should have been the principal. Did you read the one recently on fark.com about the school nurse who took away a girls crutches because she didn't have a doctors note? The girl had recently had surgery for a dislocated knee no less...

 

[wally2450]

Recently I was in attendance at a Church Deacons home as he was on
his deathbed and talking to him about their afterlife. His four
children were gathered around their father's deathbed. As the
eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the
children started to discuss the final funeral plans with me.

One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought
a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the
remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend
much money, as their father would never know the difference.

The old Deacon stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was
time to set the record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never
told you
this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place
with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never
married."

His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....."

"Yup," said Dad, "And cheap ones too!"

 

[wally2450]

QUOTE FOR TODAY

When you are arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.--Unknown

 

[done_got_old]

http://s3.amazonaws.com/static.imgfly.com/2007/04/01/1175/George-W-Bush.jpg

 

[Colton_White]

My Humor Stories:-
[size=+1] Lady finder a.i. Chat autobot [/size]
[size=+1] A 'Fake' Dom remembers[/size]

 

[smoothdevil]

QUOTE FOR TODAY

When you are arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.--Unknown

S U P E R ..... lol .... have to remember that one

 

[wally2450]

http://s3.amazonaws.com/static.imgfly.com/2007/04/01/1175/George-W-Bush.jpg

A truer thought was never expressed...

 

[done_got_old]

After Bill had spent several days campaigning for her and had lost his temper many times, costing her votes, Hillary finally escaped from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening and sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. 'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year just after you lose the election.'

Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this news. Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question:













'Will I be acquitted?'

 

[wally2450]

These songs were written by some people here at uni and they have given me permission to post them here. They are to be sung to the tune of "My Favourite Things." (I just knew that movie had to be good for something.)

This was written by Fred Curtis (who is perfectly normal--really).


Pointers to pointers to printf()-like functions;
Unary minus and nested conjunctions;
Integers, booleans, characters, strings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

Bach on a CD and good indentation;
Not getting mugged while en route to the station;
Fountains with wishes and Gnomes without slings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the bug bites! When core dumps!
When the machine's had the <proverbial>
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so sick.



In response to which came the following song:
WARNING: May be offensive--pretend that it's rot13 encrypted.

This was written by GRoo who is the most pious, kindhearted and morally pure person I know The devil made him do it.


Fourteen inch dildos with straps of elastic
Form fitting underwear made of clear plastic
Five foot four women with haircuts like boys
These are a few of my favourite toys.

Warm sticky substances smeared on my belly
Plastic containers filled with KY Jelly
Women who can turn their tongues upside down
These are a few of the best things I've found.

When the whip cracks. When the straps snap.
When I'm feeling glum.
I think of the wonderful games that I've played.
I let out a sigh and <proverbial>.



Isn't it amazing what people trying to avoid work can get up to?

 

[curl4ever]

These songs were written by some people here at uni and they have given me permission to post them here. They are to be sung to the tune of "My Favourite Things."
. . .

Outstandingly well-done songs!!! Thanks wally!
- curl

 

[wally2450]

Ida the office blonde said that with all the new transplants
they're doing, she'd like to see about being a virgin again.
But sexy Sophie just laughed and said, "And where in hell
do you think they'd find a donor?"

 

[done_got_old]

HILARY'S INDIAN NAME


I had a good laugh on this one. Hope you do too

Hillary's Indian Name

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State.She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every native American's resent standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed 'yes' for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval...

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her Indian sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

 

[smoothdevil]

HILARY'S INDIAN NAME


I had a good laugh on this one. Hope you do too

Hillary's Indian Name

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State.She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every native American's resent standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed 'yes' for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval...

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her Indian sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

LOL LOL .... so concise

 

[smoothdevil]

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spill! ed some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product .

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

[smoothdevil]

An aged farmer, Pete and his wife were leaning against the
edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled
that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party Pete," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

"Gee, Pat," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should
take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

 

[smoothdevil]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

 

[kayte]

After Bill had spent several days campaigning for her and had lost his temper many times, costing her votes, Hillary finally escaped from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening and sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. 'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year just after you lose the election.'

Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this news. Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question:













'Will I be acquitted?'

That is so great!

 

[kayte]

These songs were written by some people here at uni and they have given me permission to post them here. They are to be sung to the tune of "My Favourite Things." (I just knew that movie had to be good for something.)

This was written by Fred Curtis (who is perfectly normal--really).


Pointers to pointers to printf()-like functions;
Unary minus and nested conjunctions;
Integers, booleans, characters, strings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

Bach on a CD and good indentation;
Not getting mugged while en route to the station;
Fountains with wishes and Gnomes without slings;
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the bug bites! When core dumps!
When the machine's had the <proverbial>
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so sick.



In response to which came the following song:
WARNING: May be offensive--pretend that it's rot13 encrypted.

This was written by GRoo who is the most pious, kindhearted and morally pure person I know The devil made him do it.


Fourteen inch dildos with straps of elastic
Form fitting underwear made of clear plastic
Five foot four women with haircuts like boys
These are a few of my favourite toys.

Warm sticky substances smeared on my belly
Plastic containers filled with KY Jelly
Women who can turn their tongues upside down
These are a few of the best things I've found.

When the whip cracks. When the straps snap.
When I'm feeling glum.
I think of the wonderful games that I've played.
I let out a sigh and <proverbial>.



Isn't it amazing what people trying to avoid work can get up to?

Thank you {{{{Wally}}}}} Those are marvelous!