Laughter is Contagious

[wally2450]

The aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up
to
the pier at homeport when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor
on
the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags. He then
noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station
wagon,
also waving semaphore flags. Always concerned about security and
never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his
Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?" The
Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is
sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT." Not having

any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain
dispatched
an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge. The sailor
arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the
bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered,
sir!" "

Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why

are you exchanging signals FF and EF?"

"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to eat first!"

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/T/gas.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

baby shower cake

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/T/cake.jpg

 

[techsan]

Old Hunter

 

[techsan]

baby shower cake

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/T/cake.jpg

LOL ... that's graphic...they must be trying to scare the girl!?!

 

[done_got_old]

Old Hunter

ROFLMAO

 

[kayte]

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his
new baby sister. After awhile he asked: 'Mom, Is one
for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.
Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember
any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember, you
look in the back of your panties, mine says five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight.
'I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to
bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a
painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off
the bottle.. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to
open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little
girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the
hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,'
she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and
asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that
were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without
taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is
he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried.
When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he
replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His
dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his
wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, little
James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an
elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew . Tammy
looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'

And finally.....

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....
this particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the
minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and
a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you,
we are but dust.' He would have continued, but at
that moment my very obedient daughter (who was
listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

'Mom, what is butt dust?'

 

[done_got_old]

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his
new baby sister. After awhile he asked: 'Mom, Is one
for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.
Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember
any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember, you
look in the back of your panties, mine says five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight.
'I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to
bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a
painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off
the bottle.. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to
open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little
girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the
hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,'
she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and
asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that
were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without
taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is
he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried.
When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he
replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His
dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his
wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, little
James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an
elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew . Tammy
looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'

And finally.....

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....
this particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the
minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and
a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you,
we are but dust.' He would have continued, but at
that moment my very obedient daughter (who was
listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

'Mom, what is butt dust?'

The butt dust is precious!

 

[kayte]

baby shower cake

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/T/cake.jpg

OUCHIE!

 

[kayte]

Old Hunter

That is so awful it is good!

 

[done_got_old]

TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION​

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "alright, listen up you heathens..."

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top

4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

 

[done_got_old]

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work. "Did you read the paper?" he asked. "I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."

 

[smoothdevil]

GIVING UP WINE

I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollar s for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless
woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'
I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'
I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. '
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments, and wine.'

 

[done_got_old]

If I were a Terrorist

 

[kayte]

If I were a Terrorist

Now that says it all!

 

[done_got_old]

Now that says it all!

It's kind of scary, isn't it?

 

[kayte]

It's kind of scary, isn't it?

That it is!!

 

[done_got_old]

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did. The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"

This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here!"

 

[kayte]

Good morning {{{{DGO}}}}} That one is great!

 

[kayte]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

 

[done_got_old]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

I should have seen that coming, but I didn't.

 

[kayte]

I should have seen that coming, but I didn't.

So, do I get 2 or 3 points for that one?

 

[kayte]

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my
back yard and having a scotch along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" And I heard the reply:
"Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You
work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to
gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is
a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so
I asked it.

"Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied, "That is a question many men ask, the answer is in your heart
and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more,
Señor, but now, I have to finish your lawn."

 

[done_got_old]

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my
back yard and having a scotch along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?" And I heard the reply:
"Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You
work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to
gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is
a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so
I asked it.

"Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied, "That is a question many men ask, the answer is in your heart
and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more,
Señor, but now, I have to finish your lawn."

You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

 

[wally2450]

A couple are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. They're
talking about old times and whether they've any regrets.

"Well," says the man, "There is one thing I wish we could have done
together."

"What's that?" asked the wife.

"Well, I've always wanted to have sex doggy fashion."

"Do you really want to do that?"

"Yes," says the husband "Do you think we could?"

"Well," says the wife, "I suppose we could, but on two conditions."

"Yes my dear, of course, what are they?"

"Well, the first is that we do it in the dark, and the second is
that
we do it on a street where we don't know anyone!!"