Laughter is Contagious

[wally2450]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a
sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for
Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in
the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he
says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed
services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames
is "The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really
tired me out, and I new I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided
to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps
years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

"Because he's such a bullshitter .. He never did any of that shit.
He was in the Navy!"

 

[kayte]

Had to share this. Thank you rozewild!

http://www.blindurl.us/sexhumor/sh126.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

Had to share this. Thank you rozewild!

http://www.blindurl.us/sexhumor/sh126.jpg

That is funny! I saw it somewhere but don't remember where.


Where have you been hiding?

 

[kayte]

That is funny! I saw it somewhere but don't remember where.


Where have you been hiding?

Hi {{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}

Well Friday was a day of one T-storm and Tornado warning after another and so I wasn't around online. Today I was just doing "stuff." And this evening I watched the Harry Potter movie that was on.

Hope you've had a good weekend so far.

 

[done_got_old]

Hi {{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}

Well Friday was a day of one T-storm and Tornado warning after another and so I wasn't around online. Today I was just doing "stuff." And this evening I watched the Harry Potter movie that was on.

Hope you've had a good weekend so far.

It's been great so far.

 

[wally2450]

"Even though she won, Hillary's campaign is $10 million
in debt. Ironically, her big issue? 'I can handle the
economy'."
- Jay Leno

"Yesterday was Earth Day. Politicians all across America
did something to mark Earth Day. For instance, President
Bush was photographed with a shovel, and former President
Clinton was photographed with a hoe."
- Conan O'Brien

 

[done_got_old]

Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."

He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

He said, "I would that, Father."

The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbor next door?"

Harrigan said, "No."

The priest said, "And why not?"

He said, "I have two greyhounds."

 

[Snuggle Bunz]

Something I just looked up and realized,
I have a total of 69 private mseesages.

Juvinile humor, but hey, it made me grin! WEE!!

 

[done_got_old]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'


Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

 

[done_got_old]

RECORD HIGH JUMP FROM A KNEELING POSITION​

A new world's record in the high jump from a kneeling position was set last week at a beach in southern France.


This picture was taken just two seconds before the jump took place.

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/T/high_jump.jpg​

 

[done_got_old]

Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

"Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

"The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and daddy said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is simple. I told you about my side of the family and your daddy told you about his!

 

[kayte]

Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

"Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.

"The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and daddy said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is simple. I told you about my side of the family and your daddy told you about his!

ROTFLMAO That is perfect!

 

[smoothdevil]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsh and literally slapped the snot out of her, not once, but three times............

 

[done_got_old]

Bill died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Bill would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah, "thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "Wow, $22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

 

[kayte]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 11 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?', asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.'

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsh and literally slapped the snot out of her, not once, but three times............

ROTFLMAO

 

[virgin_not]

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsh and literally slapped the snot out of her, not once, but three times............

LMAOhttp://bestsmileys.com/lol/13.gif

 

[wally2450]

We come into this world crying while all around us are smiling. May we so live that we go out of this world smiling while everybody around us is weeping.--Unknown

"Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities. Always see them, for they're always there."--Norman Vincent Peale

 

[AphroditeReborn]

This is the first time I have seen this thread and I am laughing my ass off!! I am reading ALL the pages but just have to say THANK YOU to the creator of this thread!

 

[smoothdevil]

Bill died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure Bill would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Sarah, "thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "Wow, $22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

LOL .... sure a bunch of ladies will remember this one .... LOL

 

[wally2450]

The dentist was called away from the dinner table
to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Barradley,
explaining that his nephew had gotten himself into
quite a fix.

"See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my
wife and I came back from the movies we found them
stuck together."

"I'll come right over, Mr. Barradley," said the
dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing.
I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."

Mr. Barradley whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/W/prison_environment.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

Piano Duet

 

[done_got_old]

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him ALL the hay."

 

[kayte]

A wee old man went into a pharmacist to buy Viagra.

Can I have 6 tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?

I can cut them into quarters sir' says the pharmacist, 'but a quarter won't give you a full erection

I'm 96' says the old man,



I don't have any use for an erection,



I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers!!!

 

[done_got_old]

A wee old man went into a pharmacist to buy Viagra.

Can I have 6 tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?

I can cut them into quarters sir' says the pharmacist, 'but a quarter won't give you a full erection

I'm 96' says the old man,


I don't have any use for an erection,


I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers!!!

ROFLMFAO