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Laughter is Contagious

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You have to be old enough to see the humor in this attachment. First woman on the moon.

FYI DGO ~ I also got this from my Father.
 
wally2450 said:
A couple are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. They're
talking about old times and whether they've any regrets.

"Well," says the man, "There is one thing I wish we could have done
together."

"What's that?" asked the wife.

"Well, I've always wanted to have sex doggy fashion."

"Do you really want to do that?"

"Yes," says the husband "Do you think we could?"

"Well," says the wife, "I suppose we could, but on two conditions."

"Yes my dear, of course, what are they?"

"Well, the first is that we do it in the dark, and the second is
that
we do it on a street where we don't know anyone!!"
Click to expand...

ROTFLMAO!!! Thank you {{{{{{{{{{Wally}}}}}}}} :D
 
done_got_old said:
So you got your sense of humor honestly I see.
Click to expand...

LOL ~ I got it honestly. Have you any idea what it was like growing up with that sense of humor as a roll model? Of course until I got in to engineering school I just thought it was my Dad and Grandfather. Later I found out it is all engineers......... Such as two of my three brother's, my uncle, my nephew and my niece... It must all run in "the blood." :)
 
wally2450 said:
A couple are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. They're
talking about old times and whether they've any regrets.

"Well," says the man, "There is one thing I wish we could have done
together."

"What's that?" asked the wife.

"Well, I've always wanted to have sex doggy fashion."

"Do you really want to do that?"

"Yes," says the husband "Do you think we could?"

"Well," says the wife, "I suppose we could, but on two conditions."

"Yes my dear, of course, what are they?"

"Well, the first is that we do it in the dark, and the second is
that
we do it on a street where we don't know anyone!!"
Click to expand...

Super ..... LOL
 
LIE DETECTOR!

John was a salesman"s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby"s house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
 
done_got_old said:
A Little Austrian Town Named

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/TH/f1.jpg

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/TH/f2.jpg


http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/TH/f3.jpg


Are the residents called Fuckers?

What are the mothers called?

What would you be learning at the Fucking High School?

Does the Fucking Hospital help you with anything else?

If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your Fucking friend.
Click to expand...


Now that is absolutely priceless! :D
 
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.

I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
 
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T

Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton..

The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a 'tittle'.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

The 'spot' on 7 UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog

Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, 'the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.

Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original 'Halloween' was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher..

Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail.'
 
techsan said:

Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. 'Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail.'
Click to expand...

That's the American way!
 
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year
old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the Three Little Pigs story to her class. She
came to the part where the first pig was trying to gather building
materials for his home. She read, "So, the first pig went up to the
man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think the
man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I
think the man would have said, 'Well, fuck me, a talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
 
Two Wishes

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
 
techsan said:
LIE DETECTOR!

John was a salesman"s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby"s house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
Click to expand...

:D:D:D
 
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.
Midnight is past your curfew!"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER
"After all that money your father and I spent
on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER
"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times
not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER
"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.
You still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER
"All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, then take your hand
out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER
"Now, George, remember what I told you --
don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?
Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney,
but you're starting to look a little purple."

BATMAN'S MOTHER
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize
how much the insurance is going to be?"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair?
Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
 
Hillbilly vasectomy



After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the
sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cher ry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

( you'll love this...)


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas and Mississippi.
 
kayte said:
Hillbilly vasectomy



After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

. . .

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas and Mississippi.
Click to expand...

ROTFLMAO!
ROTFLAMO!
ROTFLAMO!
ROTFLAMO!
ROTFLMAO!
 
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