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Laughter is Contagious

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kayte said:
Hillbilly vasectomy

"5"

( you'll love this...)


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas and Mississippi.
Click to expand...

ROTFLMAO ........... super
 
Mr. Cleaver told his wife, "I think we need to find a new
baby-sitter for little Wally. This Judi is just too worldly-wise for
a teenager."

"But Wally said she told him some sort of interesting story about
animals last night," Mrs. Cleaver replied..

"Uh huh. And when I asked little Wally about it, he said it was
about a wolf who was trapped into giving a mink to a fox with a
beaver."
 
A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing golf. A few
minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat. Her
husbands says "Hey how did you get this?" She says that her boss won
the lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times, first the
coat and then a car and then jewelry etc. One night the wife gets
home really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath, which he
then does. But only fills it up an inch. She gets in and says to him
"Why did you put in so little water?" "Well, we dont want your lotto
ticket getting wet, now do we?!!!!"
 
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is, " explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a ..?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.

"I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," Said the recorder emphatically.


I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid air and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) In the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door..

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood!

What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" And great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates?" I think so!!!

I also think it makes Aunts " Associate Research Assistants."
 
Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield Because he said . ..

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me
to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet
she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I
went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are
you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate
myself now.' I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a
two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the
bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex
offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in
the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for
mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked
him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a
bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling..

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE: My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy,
I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
 
done_got_old said:
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is, " explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a ..?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.

"I'm a Mom."

"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," Said the recorder emphatically.


I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid air and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) In the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door..

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood!

What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" And great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates?" I think so!!!

I also think it makes Aunts " Associate Research Assistants."
Click to expand...


{{{{{{{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}}}} Absolutely Great :D
 
wally2450 said:
Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield Because he said . ..

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me
to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet
she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I
went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are
you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate
myself now.' I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a
two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the
bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex
offenders. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in
the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for
mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked
him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a
bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling..

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE: My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy,
I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
Click to expand...

{{{{{{{{{{Wally}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you. LMAO! :D
 
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
 
Chivalry has changed from the days of Sir Walter Raleigh, but
contrary
to rumor, it hasn't died out altogether: A man will still lay his
coat
at the feet of a pretty girl; the difference is that nowadays it's
intended to keep her back from getting dirty.
 
The Pope and George Bush are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'The President' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the President says to the Pope, 'Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Republican in the crowd go wild?'

Pope doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Republican in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. 'That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.'

The President seriously doubts this, and says so. 'One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.'
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So the Pope slapped the shit out of him.
 
done_got_old said:
The Pope and George Bush are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'The President' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the President says to the Pope, 'Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Republican in the crowd go wild?'

Pope doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Republican in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. 'That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.'

The President seriously doubts this, and says so. 'One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.'
-
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-
-
-
-
-

-
-
-
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-
-
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-

So the Pope slapped the shit out of him.
Click to expand...

Such a great Visual! :D
 
done_got_old said:
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office, was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
...
I also think it makes Aunts " Associate Research Assistants."
Click to expand...
I think all Mom's deserve to use this title. Even THAT is not enough!
 
A piece of history

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg, sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were inconsolable at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as . . .

Sinko de Mayo
 
The naive miss was seated in her doctor's office.
"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the M.D., "and
there is
every indication that you are going to have twins." "But how can
that
be, doctor?" the girl protested. "I've never been out on a
double-date
in my life."
 
Good Ol' Days Grandpa was always going on about the good old days and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves of bread, a magazine and some new blue jeans all for a dollar!" Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore. They got those video cameras everywhere you look."
 
wally2450 said:
The naive miss was seated in her doctor's office.
"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the M.D., "and
there is
every indication that you are going to have twins." "But how can
that
be, doctor?" the girl protested. "I've never been out on a
double-date
in my life."
Click to expand...

wally2450 said:
Good Ol' Days Grandpa was always going on about the good old days and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves of bread, a magazine and some new blue jeans all for a dollar!" Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore. They got those video cameras everywhere you look."
Click to expand...


Thank you {{{{{{{Wally}}}}}}}}} Those are both grand.
 
WHY GOD MADE MOMS

All answers were given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions :

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect? (I really like this one)

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet, you know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd GET rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.
 
You will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
 
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