Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

The Closet...hope you all enjoy.


A woman takes a lover home a day her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes
home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's
husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little
boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'




Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'



In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.



Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'



A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have
a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more
than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth
than closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.'

 

[wally2450]

Two men are hiking in the mountains. One suddenly stops, removes his hiking boots, and starts putting on sneakers. The other asks why he is doing that.

The first man answers, "I thought I heard a bear."

The second argues, "You can't outrun a bear, not even with sneakers."

The first responds, "I just need to outrun YOU!"

 

[done_got_old]

Centrum Silver

 

[AphroditeReborn]

Evolution of Dance

Talking Photo Booth

I started reading this thread on Monday I think it was and tried to get through the pages - LMAO - I decided it would take me a month to catch up so..... given that I went back to the last ten pages and these two were the funniest of all the funnies - even though I think this thread is EXCELLENT and I will be back!

My contribution:

This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

 

[smoothdevil]

A wee old man went into a pharmacist to buy Viagra.

Can I have 6 tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?

I can cut them into quarters sir' says the pharmacist, 'but a quarter won't give you a full erection

I'm 96' says the old man,



I don't have any use for an erection,



I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers!!!

RONTFLMAO ....................

 

[done_got_old]

Underwear Dust​

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied?...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'!

 

[done_got_old]

Employee of the Month

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/F/EOM.jpg

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff - keep up the good work!!! ​

 

[kayte]

Why alcohol is bad for the legs.................


Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself:

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread ."

 

[done_got_old]

Why alcohol is bad for the legs.................


Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself:

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread ."

OMG.......that's good!

 

[wally2450]

I've often been asked, "What do you do now that you're retired?"

I say, "Well, I don't have much of a chemical background but
I spend a lot of time recycling oxygen into carbon dioxide,
but the one I enjoy the most is turning beer into urine!"

 

[wally2450]

To the couple fucking on the third floor apt across the street from
my office:


We at X Associates would like to thank you for your weekly Friday
show. every Friday at 4 we can count on you to get it on and on and
on.

I must admit my surprise in a city full of skyscrapers that someone
in a third floor apt in midtown doesn't see the need for window
coverings of any sort especially when there is a 17 floor office
building across the street.

I only can assume you are feeling the need to keep up with the porn
shop that opened up on the first floor of your building. though I
question your intelligence I applaud your lusty lifestyle.

Last weeks super freaky positions sex was great fun. all the
engineers here are still trying to work out the logistics on a
couple of those positions, and we are fairly sure that one of them
is physically impossible due to the stresses it would put on the
female body.

This weeks theme seems to be speed fucking from behind...and was
that a third person in the room we saw, we aren't sure but oh what
randy fun. and once again we are amused, and titillated.

You have no idea what a welcome break you bring when the call comes
from that side of our office that the fuckers are at it again.

The cubicles clear out and you have 20 some odd men, and one woman
(me) pressed against the windows.

As much as we enjoy the current show we do have some ideas that
could really bring it to the next level of enjoyment for your
adoring viewers.

1. Invest in some kind of glare free glass for the window. the glare
gets nasty on overcast days like today and we could barely make out
who was slapping who on the ass.

2. Move a bit closer to the window...not too close, just say a foot.
this give us the viewer the premium viewing situation.

3. Man...get rid of the chubby girl, from certain angles well she is
just too much woman for us.

4. Sex against the window, just think about the fun that would be
had for all, you then could see us we could see you, it would be a
wonderous intimate act for the 25 of us.

5. Maybe add one more show a week, I know last week you did a bonus
wednesday show and it went over great, it really warmed us up for
friday.

I would really like once again to thank you on behalf of us all here
at X Associates. you make what is the best day of the work week here
even better, because nothing can beat seeing two young people as
yourself fuck like monkeys right before we leave this hellhole for
the weekend.

 

[techsan]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'

 

[Slow Ride469]

Mastercard Wedding

You got to love this guy.. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at ClemsonUniversity. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Lenomentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Fuck you!"

Then he turned to his bride and said, "Fuck you!"

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outtahere"

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard"priceless" commercial outof this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10glossy of then bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can'tbuy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

"Life isn'tlike a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......"

 

[curl4ever]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
. . .
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
. . .

Very, very, very funny!!!! Thanks, techsan!
- curl

 

[curl4ever]

Mastercard Wedding
. . .

Very nice, Slow Ride! That is the best Mastercard take-off I've heard.
Thanks,
- curl

 

[techsan]

Bubba and the IRS

The IRS decides to audit Bubba, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Bubba shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.

“I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Bubba. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Bubba says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It's a bet. ”

Bubba removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Bubba says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Bubba isn' t blind, so he takes the bet. Bubba removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Bubba's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?”

Bubba asks “I' ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste basket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Bubba stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can' t make the stream reach the waste basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Bubba's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

”Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Bubba told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you' d be happy about it.

 

[done_got_old]

The Twelve Opossums


The following is from a lady in Oregon. The Bible explained by kids - truth has been redefined!
----------------------------------------
One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more than baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very
wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, and then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution .

There! Now you understand!

 

[curl4ever]

The Twelve Opossums


The following is from a lady in Oregon. The Bible explained by kids - truth has been redefined!

Stunningly wonderful! Thank you very much, d_g_o!
- curl

 

[wally2450]

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with
ignition trouble.

 

[techsan]

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."

 

[done_got_old]

The New Five Dollar Bill

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/M/five%20dollar%20bill.jpg​

 

[kayte]

The Twelve Opossums

That is absolutely fantastic. Thank you {{{{{{DGO}}}}}}}}

 

[kayte]

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with
ignition trouble.

Thank you {{{{{{{Wally}}}}}}} That sums it all up!

 

[kayte]

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."

{{{{{{{{{Techsan}}}}}}}}

How absolutely marvelous!

 

[kayte]

The New Five Dollar Bill

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/M/five%20dollar%20bill.jpg​