Laughter is Contagious

[Mr Duncan 001]

Has anybody heard any thing about or from Techsan? please let me know. Thank you.

 

[kayte]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral
sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan'

 

[kayte]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it,you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow , this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

 

[done_got_old]

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'yes she did..'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your Mom explain that to you.'

 

[kayte]

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'yes she did..'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your Mom explain that to you.'

ROTFLMAO!

 

[george55]

Has anybody heard any thing about or from Techsan? please let me know. Thank you.

look on Copper's thread..............

 

[done_got_old]

I found this in the Author's Hangout.......


Horrible News

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ED (TECHSAN) RANEY HAS PASSED AWAY.

I just received this message.

I came across you in Eds computer and wanted to let you know that he is dead. Please inform anyone else that might have had contact with him as Ed or techsan. Please do not write to this computer any more.

He was having intestenal problems. I have no other information. Pray for his family. He was one of the best editors I have ever known.

God be with you Ed.

 

[curl4ever]

Horrible News
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ED (TECHSAN) RANEY HAS PASSED AWAY.
...
He was having intestinal problems. I have no other information. Pray for his family. He was one of the best editors I have ever known.

God be with you Ed.

So very sad! I never knew him as an editor, but reading his cheery voice on this thread was my most enjoyable part of Lit.

Thank you so much for all the smiles, techsan.
- curl

 

[wally2450]

So very sad! I never knew him as an editor, but reading his cheery voice on this thread was my most enjoyable part of Lit.

Thank you so much for all the smiles, techsan.
- curl

I will miss him too!
May he rest in peace.

 

[wally2450]

One day Little Johnny got curious and asked his mother, "Where do white babies come from?" His mother answered "The stork." Little Johnny then asked, "Where do black babies come from? "His mother replied, "Ravens." Then Little Johnny asked, "Where do no babies come from?" And his mother said, "Swallows."

 

[smoothdevil]

RACISM

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A man asks: 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog. would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'


The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for

company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest

and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya'

be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"



Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an

animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and

there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for

the creature."



Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough

to donate to them for the service?"



Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya

tell me the dog was Catholic?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[kayte]

Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots .

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

*
*

OK! Here it is!

*
*
*
*


A COMMONTATER

 

[kayte]

RACISM

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A man asks: 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog. would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'


The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for

company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest

and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya'

be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"



Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an

animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and

there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for

the creature."



Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough

to donate to them for the service?"



Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya

tell me the dog was Catholic?



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are both great. Thank you Smooth.

 

[done_got_old]

Ralph and Norton were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Pittsburgh One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do Ralph said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Norton says, 'Me too... Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Ralph wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects...Nothing!

Then the phone rings.... It's Norton. Norton says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Ralph says, 'I feel great... How about you?'

Norton says, 'I feel great too, You don't have a hangover?'

Ralph says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No '.

'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

 

[smoothdevil]

Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots .

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

*
*

OK! Here it is!

*
*
*
*


A COMMONTATER

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW .... LMAO

 

[smoothdevil]

Quotes about Wives

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette

********

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

********

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi

********

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

********

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas

********

The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud

********

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous

********

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henny Youngman

********

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison

********

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran

********

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray

********

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash

********

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous

********

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

********

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

********

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

********

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous

********

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous

********

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

[curl4ever]

Quotes about Wives

...

All VERY funny! Thanks, smoothdevil.

 

[done_got_old]

"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter once asked.

Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."

Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to do to be queen?"

 

[crash197177]

Two irishmen walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

 

[done_got_old]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING "MARVELOUSLY MATURE" WHEN.....

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear "snap, crackle, pop" and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

 

[MilkChocolateAmazon]

A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives birthday.

The rich man says 'I got my wife a brand new BMW and a diamond ring; that way if she doesn't like the ring she can take it back in her BMW and still be happy.'

The poor man says 'I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo; that way if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.'

 

[done_got_old]

A rich man and a poor man are buying gifts for their wives birthday.

The rich man says 'I got my wife a brand new BMW and a diamond ring; that way if she doesn't like the ring she can take it back in her BMW and still be happy.'

The poor man says 'I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo; that way if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.'

ROFLMAO

 

[wally2450]

During the wedding reception in the family's southern mansion, the
bride's Granddaddy slipped her five $100 bills and told her that it
was
for her and to keep it for 'mad money', so she stuffed them in her
gloves

By family tradition, the couple spent their first night together in
their historic plantation house. Later that night, after all the
guests
had left, the bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs ,
and
asked where she was going. "I left my gloves in the library, Grand-
MaMa,
and it's important that I have them."

"Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You
march yourself right
back upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands
just
like I did your Granddaddy's."

 

[kayte]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING "MARVELOUSLY MATURE" WHEN.....

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear "snap, crackle, pop" and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

Good morning {{{{{{DGO}}}}}} LMAO! Thank you