Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

Senior Week





While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and
resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her
glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been
driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation,
they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to
turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her
glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old
man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during
the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he
became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief,
they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car,
and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card".

This is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do your part by
remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.
I did my part.

That reminds me of this one........an oldie, but true:


An 80 year old couple washaving problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down,

I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

 

[kayte]

That reminds me of this one........an oldie, but true:


An 80 year old couple washaving problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down,

I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Good morning {{{{{{DGO}}}}}} That is delightful too. Hope you are having a great day.

 

[kayte]

The Honorary Degree

A rich Texan told the president of the University of Texas, "I want to set you up with a billion-dollar endowment fund, with but one condition."
"What's the condition?" asked the U.T president.
"I want you to give my horse an honorary degree. She's served me faithfully for fifteen years and she deserves a B.T. degree, a Bachelor's of Transportation."
The president said, "I've got to consult my trustees. I'll get back to you."
The trustees debated an hour until one senior trustee, who had appeared to be napping during the whole discussion, said softly, "I think we should take his money and give the horse the degree."
Another trustee piped up, "But wouldn't you be embarrassed to give an honorary degree to a horse?"
"Nope," said the old man. "In fact, it would be the first time I can remember that we gave an honorary degree to a whole horse!"

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFCCFS_lhA8

don't blink or you'll miss it

Love this...I had gotten this years b4 and have been wanting 2c again.

 

[kayte]

#232 Aussie Blond Joke

A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin, Australia.
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After become very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out an catch my own crocodiles, so I can get a pair of shoes for free."
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
So the blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home and pull over to the side of the river bank where he spots the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge three-meter (nine feet!) croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the croc and hauls it onto the slimey banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more dead cros, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. As he watched, the blonde struggled and flipped the most recently demised croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out:
SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! This bastard's barefoot, too!"

 

[kayte]

1. How Cool Is That?

I met a 14-year-old girl in a chat room.
She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
Turns out she's an undercover detective.
How cool is that, at her age!

2. The Threat

An infamous stud delighted in sharing his list of conquests with his buddies at the bar, but tonight he looked worried.
The barkeep asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop screwing his wife."
"So stop," said the bartender.
"How can I?" asked the womanizer. "He didn't sign his name!"

3. Little Johnny Joke No. 113

The math teacher asked Little Johnny, "If you have $500 and you give $100 to Mary, $100 to Sally, and $100 to Susan, what would you have?"
Evidently, "an orgy" was not the correct answer!

 

[2wild2care]

An elderly Frenchman who lived on the outskirts of Grostenquin, France in 1963 went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.











"Should I tell her the war is over?

 

[done_got_old]

An elderly Frenchman who lived on the outskirts of Grostenquin, France in 1963 went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.










"Should I tell her the war is over?

very good

 

[kayte]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can thin of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testorone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
"So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now back off, biker boy, or you'll answer to me'!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" he asked.
"Just a couple of minutes ago," the man replied.

 

[smoothdevil]

Question: What do you get when you mix PMS
with GPS?

Answer: A crazy bitch who WILL find you!

 

[kayte]

Geography Lessons for Retirees

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where:
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5.. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can retire to California where:
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can retire to New York City where:
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed note: if you have a car)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression..

You can retire to Maine where:
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ....
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can retire to the Deep South where:
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

You can retire to Colorado where:
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can retire to the Midwest where:
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can retire to Florida where:
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

 

[KateTurner]

Latin

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.

Facut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can't say that in Latin.

Vidi Vici Veni
I saw, I conquered, I came

Vacca foeda
Stupid cow

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

 

[done_got_old]

Men's ages as determined by trips to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -- mowing the lawn, putting up a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot, sweaty, and covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on: Shorts with a hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing.. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is pretty.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you aren't sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.


In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.


In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

 

[done_got_old]

1. How Cool Is That?

I met a 14-year-old girl in a chat room.
She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
Turns out she's an undercover detective.
How cool is that, at her age!

2. The Threat

An infamous stud delighted in sharing his list of conquests with his buddies at the bar, but tonight he looked worried.
The barkeep asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop screwing his wife."
"So stop," said the bartender.
"How can I?" asked the womanizer. "He didn't sign his name!"

3. Little Johnny Joke No. 113

The math teacher asked Little Johnny, "If you have $500 and you give $100 to Mary, $100 to Sally, and $100 to Susan, what would you have?"
Evidently, "an orgy" was not the correct answer!

Oh my, I'm laughing out loud!

 

[kayte]

Men's ages as determined by trips to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -- mowing the lawn, putting up a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot, sweaty, and covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on: Shorts with a hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing.. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is pretty.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you aren't sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.


In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.


In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Good evening {{{{{{DGO}}}}} That sums it up perfectly.

 

[kayte]

Oh my, I'm laughing out loud!

Yes, I figured you really laugh at #3.

3. Little Johnny Joke No. 113

The math teacher asked Little Johnny, "If you have $500 and you give $100 to Mary, $100 to Sally, and $100 to Susan, what would you have?"
Evidently, "an orgy" was not the correct answer!

 

[smoothdevil]

Men's ages as determined by trips to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -- mowing the lawn, putting up a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot, sweaty, and covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on: Shorts with a hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing.. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is pretty.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you aren't sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.


In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.


In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

G R E A T ............. LMAO ....

 

[smoothdevil]

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion .. Marion"

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No.......... I'm a rabbit in Arizona"

 

[kayte]

1. The Secret To A Long Marriage

An elderly couple was sitting on their front porch one day when the husband said: "Whenever I get at mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?"
"I just go and clean the toilet," his wife replied.
"How does that help?" asked her husband.
"I use your toothbrush."

2. Waiting

"What? You say you love her, and yet, when you saw her with another man, you did nothing?"
"I'm waiting," said Jeb.
"Waiting for what, Jeb?"
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy!"

 

[bisolom]

Gotta love this thread!!

 

[kayte]

Stress Mangement Technique

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile...

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream..

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work... You're smiling already.

 

[kayte]

What If ...?

Bob and Phil were talking during lunch near the nuclear test facility where they worked.
Bob asked, "So, Phil, if the worst happens and there's a nuclear holocaust, and you know the world is going to end, what's the first thing you'd do?"
"I'd screw the first thing that moves," replied Phil. "How about you?"
Bob said, "I guess I'd sit real still!"

 

[kayte]

Some T-shirts

1. Seen on a very attractive blonde with great funbagos: "I see you've already met the twins".
2. Seen on a different very attractive blonde in Florida with great funbagos: "Not everything is flat in Florida".
3. Seen on a sexy brunette in Wyoming: "Don't call me a cowgirl until you've seen me ride".
4. Seen on a very busty brunette: "Loved by some, WANTED by many".
5. "Cute but psycho -- things even out."
6. "It's only kinky the first time."
7. An attractive brownette was seen wearing this: "Guys make nice pets."
8. Seen on yet another attractive blonde: "Sex is like snow -- you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last".
9. Having sex doggie style is like driving on ice -- If you aren't careful you could slip and damage someone's rear end.

 

[kayte]

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads

40-ish................................49.

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................No breasts.

Average looking....................Moooo.

Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure..............On medication.

Feminist..............................Fat.

Free spirit............................Junkie.

Friendship first......................Former slut.

New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.

Open-minded.......................Desperate.

Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional.........................Bitch.

Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.

Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.

 

[smoothdevil]

Wisdom is not everything .........

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"The Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass because there is a third test -- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed, and he said no more. This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It is also why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.