Lessons Learned

[littlebirdjoy]

Feeling pretty down tonight and I'm not sure I really want to talk about it, but this is the thought circling my head tonight and I'm judging myself pretty harshly for it... at what point is it okay to voice the fact that I need to be made a priority ... not #1 priority... but at least somewhere in the list of important things in life?
At what point do you say "hey, yeah... life is busy things suck in the world... but I actually do need to not come so last that I get 15 minutes of your day, while you are driving and already tired and *done*? if I'm lucky?

This is exacerbated by my best friend trying to jump in my pants the minute his ex wife moves out of the house.. literally 10 minutes after she is out the door and he is trying shit with me. He KNOWS im very much spoken for. YES I adore him, but i thought I was worth more than that to him. Clearly not. Clearly everything we had before was just him keeping me on the back burner to stroke his ego when his wife wouldnt and now I'm angry and frustrated and feeling like to a degree the same is going on in my relationship. I hate that we are back to not speaking in front of her. i hate that I feel like a secret again. I hate that I feel so completely and utterly alone so very much of the time when I constantly and consistently put him as a priority in my life. And I hate that if I voice that I'm scared he would decide not to try to fix it, or worse just walk.
There is a perfect scene that sums up my feelings in the film "What Women Want" sadly, I cant fid a clip of it... but Mel Gibson is talking to a group of ladies sitting in a kitchen one is all kinds of upset over her relationship and he advises the woman to tell her guy that he cant sit on his butt watching tv all night and expect her to turn on like a lightbulb the minute he wants it. Either she is worth his attention or she isnt. and she starts to internally worry what is he says she isnt. He replies "He wont say that you arent" to her thoughts.

None of that is truly fair because I know he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. The same can be said for his own feelings... I cant expect him to be there for me when he is being pulled 60 different directions and barely has time to breathe or think much less really take the time to be emotionally invested in a woman halfway around the globe when his own very real life needs so much work.

I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm not in good places and I feel like a shit for even thinking the above, but I'm not sure that I'm completely wrong.

This is not a poaching invitation. Anyone with those intentions will be blocked.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

A few weeks back I mentioned that my Master and I had a bit of an unexpected divergence of understanding. It came so far out of left field that I actually didn't know how to respond immediately and needed time to think of how to approach it.

Leashed and Led

​

So we were talking one night and he joked that I'd better not forget my collar when I come (GOD that trip had better still happen!!! GRRRRRRRRRR)
I kinda got wide eyed and said that of course that did not need mentioning. I'd be bringing all of the things he sent me last summer, and I mentioned the leash as well. He then said that he was really not that into leashes. I sat there a bit dumbfounded and ran through all the times we have used it in my mind's eye.
After a bit of discussion he said that in essence it strikes him along the same lines as someone not being able to do as they are told and needing to be forced into something, which is not at all his bit.
I asked to revisit the conversation at a later date when I could express my feelings more clearly. That it was important to me, because this is something that really strikes me deeply.
I needed to check in with myself.

The world kinda went to heck between then and now, several times over, and it was only this past weekend that we got back to our conversation.

After checking in with myself here is where I stand:
I believe that for me a leash is the active symbol of ownership, where collars are the passive continuous sign. I think that because i wear a collar 24/7 for him, it is a constant symbol and to a degree that takes the sexy edge off of it? If he were around and we made a point to acknowledging it in some way on a regular basis I think that would be different... but he isnt. So when I think of leashes, to me, that is the moment it goes from normal everyday life which, yes, is marked by my submission to him, but it is for us our normal... to out of the normal, active exertion of ownership.

When expressed that way he did understand and liked the way I phrased it. It was not about forcing me into anything, but rather just an outward acknowledgement of an inner truth.

Faithfully His,
Angie

I used to have this one gif of a girl standing with a leash being hooked into her collar and a visible tremor ran through her... a full body shiver but her eyes made it very clear it was a shiver of the best kind ... I wish I still had it... that feeling is one I relate to DEEPLY.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

It's been a quiet few weeks and at the same time an incredibly hectic few weeks. It feels like I'm going a million different directions at once, and no where all at the same time.
I know this is an impossibly had time for all of us. We each have our own very real struggles.
I'm glad this community has come together in such a very strong way, though to be sure there have been growing pains and a few squabbles here and there. Cabin fever will do that to the best of us.

I've been attending an online Meditation class which is geared towards the BDSM community and I've begun to meet a really nice group of people on Fet. <3
I am not sure how well I will fit into that community as a whole, but it's nice to be making some connections.

Last night I was struggling over what to write... in honesty, I was struggling on a lot of different levels. I took a look back through my blogs and ran across the one entitled Lifting the Burden in which I reminisce over one of the very first lessons taught me: Once surrendered never withdrawn. (Once something is surrendered to your Dominant whatever that thing is, withdrawing it either intentionally or unintentionally it can damage the relationship greatly) ... and the converse which is even less discussed which is that once the Dominant takes responsibility for an area of a submissive's life dropping that back in their lap can really do damage.

It was a very poignant reminder.

My Master and I have both had some very real conversations over the last two weeks. They havent always been happy or comfortable, but they have been honest. Things in the world have thrown us both into a state of uncertainty and chaos. He is feeling it and so am I. He is doing an amazing job of being there for me still, to the best of his ability... and so am I. Doesn't mean we are succeeding all the time every day, but I know we are both doing the best we can. We are both legitimately genuinely struggling.

Today my littleun wanted to watch Tinkerbell and I wanted to watch PeterPan so we compromised on Hook.
When I got to this part https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKOcj2kAqE8 I actually cried and had to send it to him. The truth is he is my happy thought. The best part of my day is the very first minute I see him come online each day and how more days than I'd like to admit I actually say out loud "DADDYYYYY!" as I type it. I don't know if I'm his happy thought too... or if my little one is... but I truly truly hope so.

~Faithfully His;
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

My Favorite Story and a New Reminder ​

One of the first things I ever read that really resonated very deeply with me was a story on a site called Castle Realm. I've mentioned it quite a few times over the years, and how deeply *right* the relationship between jade and Lord Colm sat with me. One of the first things I have someone read is a post written by jade entitled The Shoebox; a Master's Gift. I will post it below.
It is amazing how often I come back to just how right it is. In my own life, I have had several "Shoeboxes" of this sort, some tangible some metaphorical. This very thread is my current "Shoebox". To those ends; I've a new lesson to put inside today.
This lesson I've not yet had my "own it moment" over, which is very frustrating. Still, it is one I have to today admit is 100% accurate.

"Say what you need, not what you think you should need."
with a side note of "you need to admit to yourself and me what it is you really need."

There are a whooollleeee slew of related lessons all tied up together, and some of them would take a lot of explaining. The short version (I know har har when am I ever brief?) is that I've gotten myself all worked up over the last week. I very rarely ever get *mad*. I get scared, stressed, or hurt relatively easily, but mad just isnt a thing. It is an emotion that I deny myself. Well, there is this fine line where I go from sad/hurt to mad and it is a hairline moment. Today for the second time ever I got mad at my Master. I had been hiding and eating feelings of negativity and hurt for the past week. I was doing my best thinking that was how best to serve him (learned behavior from my ex.) By doing so I knew I was becoming more and more unhappy and it was showing itself in all kinda of ways in my life. Today when he got online he asked me what was wrong and said I looked like someone died. I kinda lost it and it all spilled out. I spent a good 20 minutes explaining everything I'd not done in the previous week and it went nowhere. He told me he was not going to change, and if what I was getting from him was not enough that I needed to be well aware he would not change. Not because he is a stubborn ass, but because you only fail to succeed at being what you are not. Meaning: he has to be authentic to himself and only in accepting him for who he truly is and that being *enough* can we truly succeed.
This did not help and I didnt know what to do or say to that. So I sat in silence looking rather dejected for quite a while. I finally asked "how do I make it better?" He said I could not. That there was nothing to make better. That it is what it is, and we are both doing the best we can given the situation. *more silence* He asked if I really wanted to sit there today looking all sad and cranky? I said no, I wanted my Daddy. He asked me to repeat that and I did. He went back to playing his game (or so I thought) and I went back to working on writing my exam until I heard him get my attention. When I looked back at his picture... well... *cough* I had exactly what I'd asked for, but I wasnt um... I hadnt expected it to be taken THAT WAY :blush:
I know I let out a rather high pitched squeak and a whimper which was his name all at once, and all of those things I'd been feeling just evaporated.
The details of the next hour are mine to know, but suffice we had a moment to ourselves... a much needed one, for both of us apparently.
In the aftermath we discussed a few realities of who I am.
I have a hard time expressing my needs still. I have a hard time identifying them sometimes, but even if I do, I have a hard time expressing them because I feel they or my expressing them are inappropriate. I have no problem expressing my wants and needs when things are a-okay, because I know it is good and wanted, but when things are rocky or i have a need that isnt being met I tend to eat it until it eats me.
It is a concept he has tried to get across to me for nearly a year and a half, and darn if it is still a lesson that eludes me! Telling him outright and with no added drama will never be an issue. He will decide whether or not it is a need he is willing and able to fulfill (if it is a true need). So I have to: #1 allow myself to be honest with myself about those needs. When I'm feeling wound up, hurt, frustrated and angry it will 99 times out of 100 be because i'm trying to hide something from myself or him. Once I've actually identified it, then I need to come to him and tell him. I dont need to try to logic it, just say it. Ask for what I need, be real about what I need, and then let him be my Master, my Daddy, and my Lord and decide what to do from there.

So what was reality? Yes, I was missing the crap out of him. Yes, I was aching for time with him. Yes, I was feeling incredibly lonely and a bit neglected... but it was on a more primal and physical level than i was comfortable admitting to myself or him.

Thank you for reminding me that you are safe and you know me, you prove it to me constantly. Thank you for being patient with me even when it takes time to really learn and "own" a lesson.

Faithfully His;
Angie

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Shoe Box; A Master's Gift​

Sitting on the floor near the couch rests a shoe box. It's plain, a bit out of place where it is, and shows signs of frequent handling. Looking at it brings back memories of two days filled with confusion and tears to the two people seated in the living room.

Those two days were long ones, 48 hours that seemed like an eternity. It began over a simple event, now that we have hindsight, but its effect, at the time, was devastating. A simple misunderstanding, feelings that were hidden, thoughts that weren't shared, and walls that went up quickly to shield a wounded heart. Recovering from those two days took time--lots of it--but once the healing had taken place, the shoe box made its appearance.

"Pet, we cannot have a thing like this happen again. Do you understand?" Master said with a weary edge in His voice.

"Yes, Master, I understand," I answered as I lowered my eyes, knowing full well I had upset Him terribly and was going to be punished.

"Come here. Take your place here at my feet," He said. I moved quickly and did as I was told, bracing myself for what was to follow. I'd never angered Him before and I was still regretting the icy silence that I'd fallen into for those two days. It was a terrible time and I'd never felt so alone and and unable to do anything to make it better. It would almost be a relief to be punished so some of the guilt I was feeling would be lifted.

"Do you know what this has been like for me, pet? Can you understand the frustration I felt not knowing what was wrong or what I could do to help you? As your Master I must do something to teach you that this is unacceptable behavior and could seriously damage our relationship," He said with a surprisingly gentle tone to His voice.

"Yes, Master," I replied, still unable to look up into His eyes and see that disappointment in them again. As I stared at His feet, I heard sounds as He shifted His body in His chair. "Here it comes," I thought, as my mind flashed images of the many tools Master owned that could be used to deliver the punishment that was coming. My body braced as I felt His hand touch my shoulder.

"Look up, pet. I have something for you and I want to explain how we will use it to prevent a reoccurrence of your unwillingness to communicate with me," said Master. My heart nearly stopped and I dreaded to look up and see what was waiting.

Slowly I raised my eyes and saw the shoe box resting on His knees. "A shoe box?" I thought, knowing I wasn't about to be given a present for the things I'd done. As His hand pushed the box toward me, I looked up and saw Him indicate with His eyes that I was to take it. My hands were trembling as I picked it up and noticed that it was nearly weightless. My mind was racing, searching for some rational reason that He'd given me this box.

"Go ahead and examine it, pet. You'll find it's empty," He said and watched me carefully as I removed the cardboard lid and looked inside. "This box reminds me of the way I felt for two days...empty," His voice said in a firm tone. He reached for a pen and small piece of paper and wrote as I knelt there and observed His every move, still wondering when my punishment was going to be handed out. He finished writing, laid the pen aside, folded the paper and handed it to me. "Pet, read this paper, memorize it, and then put it into the shoe box," Master spoke in His deep voice.

I unfolded the paper carefully and read the words that He'd written there. 'I will not keep things from my Master. Doing so builds walls between us.'After I'd read it a few times, I refolded it, put it into the box and looked up at Him.

"Do you understand those words, pet," He asked as I nodded my head. "Then put the lid on the shoe box and give it to me," He said. When He'd taken the box, He set it on the floor near the couch and continued. "This box will remain here where you can see it, so when you need to refresh your memory you will open it and read that piece of paper again. From time to time we may need to add a piece of paper to help you with a new problem we'll face. Now stop looking so apprehensive. It's over."

As tears flowed down my cheeks I asked, "Master, are You not going to punish me for what I've done? I'm so very sorry I hurt and disappointed You, Master."

"No, pet, I'm not going to punish you further. You've done enough of that already," He said in the most tender voice. "My job is not to punish you, but to teach you how to do what I wish, what I feel is best for both of us. I've given you a tool to overcome the things that are hindering you and I do expect you to use it. Should this same thing happen again I may have to use another method." This time His voice was sterner and I understood the meaning behind them completely.

Over time, the shoe box has collected a few more pieces of paper that have words that I've now written in my heart as well. Each hurdle we've faced and later overcome has added to the contents of the box. Every strip of paper taught so much more than a stripe on my flesh. They remain to teach again and again those lessons and I'll always treasure the shoe box gift from a true master, my Master.

Copyright©1997 by Lord Colm and jade
All rights are reserved by the authors.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

...and then God puts things into perspective.

A hug from a two year old as he was placed in my arms after losing someone dear.

A reminder to hug the ones close to you if you can safely, and call those you can not just to say "I love you".

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Taken to Task​

Life lessons have been the theme that I gave my own life. I have long been of the opinion that you should always be open to learning lessons, that never stops being important. Lessons can be learned in the most unlikely of places, and from the most unlikely of sources. Some lessons we are ready and willing to learn, others we are taught reluctantly, and sometimes kicking and screaming they are pounded into our thick skull.

One of the things I've been taken to task for recently from a few sources is the fact that I have never really "negotiated" my needs in a D/s relationship. Hold the shock and judgment please. It isnt what it sounds like. Negotiations over MANY things happened, but one of those things has just never happened to be my own life and emotional needs.



How could this be?!

Well, just like I've never gone to a bar or club looking to "hook up" with someone. I've never actively and concertedly sought out a partner. I've always just put myself into the universe, been openly and unabashedly me, and allowed the Universe to lead me where I belonged. If someone and I meshed well as friends and chemistry was there, it would just naturally evolve. If it was a D/s based relationship we would end up discussing needs and wants as it pertains to that, and see where it went.



Was I aware that there was a gap in the process?

Yes. I was never concerned by it though. If I was far enough in the communication that I'd even be WILLING to discuss the D/s nitty gritty with someone than I trusted them, that means I trusted them to be good to me as a person and care about my well being as a human, a woman, a mother without having to make demands. I trusted them because they had already done so up until that point.



When a relationship flounders the only way I personally can move forward is to find *the lesson*. I can't wrap my head around a failure of any kind until I can identify the causes, and then determine a path forward to prevent myself from making the same mistake again. "First time shame on them, second time shame on you (me), third time that's just plain stupidity.", was the advice given to me by my grandfather. I rarely make the same mistake repeatedly, once identified. Now I might have incorrectly identified the ROOT of a problem, and solved symptoms or side shoots and never gotten to the root, that can cause repeat failure, but it is never for lack of trying.



I began this post by saying I'd been taken to task from several different directions over this. One of those sources has repeatedly told me how important it is for his property to be aware of and able to express her needs. The concept being, how can he possibly accurately answer the question of whether he can be what she needs if she can not even give him a fair shot at it. It goes hand in hand with the frustration many on the Dominant side of the slash feel with regard to being expected to be mind readers.



One of the things I've had to do the work on before I could even approach writing this blog and beginning this project was to identify WHY it was so hard for me to just come out and lay my needs down. Many people who do not know me well, and felt like they had the brilliance and right to analyze me without knowing me well enough will scoff and say *pfftttt that's an easy one! You lack self confidence.* Good try, wrong answer. Thank you for playing.

No, for me, the reason is vulnerability. I have stood through more than my fair share of the storms of life. I've been through the hurricanes and come out the other side, most of the time very much alone. I've gone without food, shelter, any personal possessions, friends, family, etc. I've known what it is to lose everything, and be absolutely alone. So identifying a NEED is hard for me. One of my defense mechanisms is to identify pretty much everything as a blessing, a bonus. It is a safety for me. If I admit that I WANT much less NEED something, then it has more weight, and when (not if) it is taken away from me it does me far more damage. This may not be the most pleasant outlook, but it is the truth.

It is a vulnerability in another sense as well; it is me being vulnerable to my partner and communicating to them that this *thing* is important to me, and I need it. it is a dangerous prospect. If I have not communicated something as a need, and they do not step up and provide it, then I've given them a built in loophole. I've given them the excuse. It is a lie I give myself, because in reality I do not trust people to be worthy and dependable. It has nothing to do with me not believing I'm WORTH it, it has everything to do with me believing sincerely that people suck. People break promises, hell most people don't even have the foggiest idea what it would look like to KEEP a promise. That is probably true on both sides of the slash, this is not a rant against one side at all. However, because I only have experience being on this side, I can say that I'd be tempted to believe that we have an easier time keeping promises because we have a lot of built in experience pushing through tough things despite: not feeling like it, not wanting to, pain, difficulty etc. It's kinda built into the definition of submission. "Submission is not found in the easy things, in the things i WANT to do. It is not in the kinky sexy fun. Submission begins and lives in the things I'd rather say "no" to, but instead find the grace and strength to say, "as you wish." or "for you, I can."

I've been loathe to view the start of a D/s relation ship process as a job interview, but I'm half tempted to add a Q&A section, with the top question being: "and tell me a time that you stuck with a promise despite it being incredibly difficult for you, and you'd rather have walked away."



What has the result been?

Well, when I finally hit a brick wall in a relationship, when I've let my guard down and come to rely on someone (this may not be part of the D/s you practice, and that is alright. I'm not claiming that this is necessary or wanted in all relationships, but in the kind of relationship I seek and am in, it is) when I allow someone in enough to actually RELY on them, and then my needs are not being met it hurts deeply. I will push them away for a long long time (unless my person actually communicates and ASKS me how I am. I swear to God I will wholeheartedly kiss the feet of the man who has the intuition to ask the question i ask him every single day "Is there anything I can do to make your day better, easier, or happier?" ... certainly not in that way. I had ONE Master in my life who did, and I did not understand at the time exactly what a treasure it was. He would begin every single day by asking me "How are my slave's heart, mind, body, and soul today?" But the minute that they flat out refuse to meet a sincere need that I've kept as long as I possibly can, it damages the trust and the relationship.



Everything I just described is a form of topping from the bottom. I'm guilty. We all are on occasion, it is human nature. It may have been to a degree subconscious, but it was. The roots of that are the underlying messages they imply: "I do not trust you to meet my needs if I share them." "I do not trust you to be dependable." "I believe you need a loophole, because you will inevitably let me down."

None of these things are because I feel like I'm not WORTH my needs being met. Quite the opposite. It takes a hell of a lot for me to view someone as worthy of me, and at the same time, life has taught me that everyone will let me down, no matter how good a man he is. I tend to believe that I will put in far more work into the relationship than my partner will.

I trust me to fight through problems and difficulties. I do not trust others to do the same.



Catch 22:

This backfires. It became a self fulfilling prophecy. See.... he, whoever he was at the time, would be meeting my needs more than enough for me to be more than happy in the relationship until things in his life went to hell. It was never a case of him not wanting to meet my needs, those he was aware he was filling, and those he was unaware of his contribution to, or the importance of. He was just naturally doing it. When his life (not one his, this is a pattern which is why it must be addressed.) was not alright, when things in his life went to hell he would pull back to handle his things and inevitably some of my needs would go unmet. This is where I'd eat it, I'd be patient and quiet. Do my best to be supportive and understanding. It is only when we are both in crisis at the same time that my needs **can not** be ignored because they are truly that, needs. Not wants. Not me being a demanding prissy princess bitch. No. They are true real NEEDS NEEDS. If they are so pressing and important as to me needing to actually call things to the carpet and actually confront, things are dire.... but at the same time the reality is that if things in HIS life have gotten to the point that he has let it get there, his own life is such that he absolutely CAN NOT be there to meet them. I will give the benefit of the doubt now and say: "can not" not "will not".

And there is the crux of the issue. I created the mess. I didnt give him a snowball's chance in hell, because I did it wrong from the beginning. I didn't lay out those needs in black and white so that when his life was getting into crisis he absolutely knew that I needed ABC. He could not make intelligent informed decisions about his own behavior and mine. He could not lead, because I'd buried the leash. Perhaps this is not giving enough credit. I'm not sure. Either way, I certainly had done enough of "filling my bowl" with hurts and perceived slights so that when it came to that moment of "I fucking need you!" and he had to say "I can not" my bowl was full, and he was entirely unaware that it was. It creates an impasse that no one is equipped to handle.



I am well aware I will be taken to task for this as well. I can already mentally SEE your: "oh excuse me, once again, the Queen of thinking she is responsible for all things in the world. Let me bow to your ability to control the fucking wind." ~ wry laugh.

I have a dear friend who has been gently kicking my ass over a concept that we disagree on. I made the comment that in every situation that goes wrong, I carry a measure of responsibility. I should have been able to prevent in some way. His reaction was a bit hurtful at the time ^the above^ but at the same time, we both had a point. I'm really good at taking responsibility for my own actions and mistakes, i'm not good at placing blame, and I rarely take credit. It is a symptom of everything I just said. I trust me to be responsible, I do not trust others.



So what ARE my needs? I'm going to work on identifying those over the coming *however long*. I'm not putting a time limit on it. It will be hard for me to truly differentiate wants from needs, because I works so damn hard to not differentiate them, putting everything into the wants column.



I would like to end this with putting a very important piece of advice here as written by a dear friend, whom I'm immensely grateful to.

"The issue of wants and needs is often discussed in terms of those on the right side of the slash, /s. It is often said that it is the submissive’s or slave’s responsibility to expose to their Dominant/Master/Owner all their perceived wants and needs (not necessarily an easy introspection) and it is the Dominant’s or Master’s responsibility to decide which are in actuality a want even if perceived by the sub/slave as a need and vise versa.

It is also important for an equal or greater introspection on the part of the Dominant/Master/Owner to understand Their wants and needs, also a difficult task. From people I respect it is generally thought to have an order of priority:

submissive’s needs
Dominant’s needs
Dominant’s wants
submissive’s wants
It is important to note, thought not the point of this post, that the submissive’s needs come first. Get used to it." ~Master Arach; http://theeroticist.com/

Thank you for being my friend. I'm honored by the time you spend with me. I'm grateful that you chose to do so. I'm also grateful for your compassionate supportive kicks in the behind.



~The Velveteen Slave



https://voca.ro/o5mXISgQTMN

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Need #1: Time​

The task of identifying and laying out my needs is indeed a daunting one. I had to first determine how to even set about that task. After a bit of contemplation, I believed it was best to allow my positive collective memories to drive this. None of these are a result of a negative place of "I didn't get", no. They are instead a product of sitting quietly and living in the positive moments. When did I feel most at home, most comfortable in my life? What was going on that caused me to feel that wonderful sense of peace that comes when all is right in the world? That is not to say that all should be peaches and roses, absolutely not. We will get to the pokes and prods for growth that are an absolute necessity, those things that do not necessarily feel fantastically awesome in the moment, but afterward lead to a depth of relationship and a new closeness in the growth that it brings. Those things will also come.



#1 Time.

I'm sure that everyone here is familiar with love languages, I would be highly surprised if they did not. Many people have a clearly dominant love language that they best speak and hear. I'm one of those unique minority people who has three equally spread love languages. Fun times. Time is one of my three primary love languages. I need time. I need to be around and with my Person in order for all to be right with the world. I'm also an introvert, so that time does NOT necessarily need to happen with us constantly interacting with each other. That would overwhelm me and wear me out rather quickly. By time I mean time spent existing, in tandem, in any way. When I imagine a night spent with my Person a lot of the time I imagine us just sitting together. Him working on his laptop, or playing a game, reading a book, writing, whatever... me beside doing the same. Sometimes I see myself sitting on the floor cross-legged with my back resting on his leg. I'm reading a book, and occasionally he touches my head and hair. Sometimes I turn my head just to kiss his knee. Other times I see us together watching a movie. Me curled up in between his legs on the sofa my head on his lap. I see us sitting knee to knee talking on occasion, discussing some point of mutual interest, or sharing about something personally important.

I'm the kind of person who appreciates every single little thing someone does, and I tend to say it. Pointedly, and often. I will thank my Person for their time, because it matters. I appreciate when my person wants to talk to me first thing in the morning, even if they are all groggy voiced and eyes half open still blurry with sleep. It makes me all forms of happy. I appreciate being allowed to "ride with them" to work, with the phone in the passenger seat or safely in a phone holder on the dash, just so that we can share that time. Nothing pleases me more than when my Person finds the time to call me when they or i am on break at work. When i get so excited to see their name pop up on my phone and i have to quietly whisper a title excitedly as i answer the phone, because i REFUSE to not.... it is too important and too special.

Time to hear about his day, and his stresses. Time to listen to mine, and actually care. Time to be involved in the big and small things in life.

Time to tuck me into bed every night, because he understands that it is very hard for me to sleep if he doesnt. It gives me permission to sleep. My mind will stay active and awake and "on" just incase he needs me. Even if it is 3 am, I'm not really asleep. My phone is in my hand on vibrate and I'm barely dozing because I've not really been "released" to sleep.

When he messages me or better yet calls me to tell me "go to sleep baby girl" ... then and only then can my mind really and truly rest. It puts my heart and mind at ease, because i know he would not release me to sleep if i had not done everything for him that day that I could or should.

Time to share my joys and triumphs, to be proud of the things i do... and allow me to be proud of the things he does.

Time to help me battle the big bad scary things in my life... to sit up with me when the world is too big.



A few of my favorite memories and experiences with being granted the gift of time:

In no particular order:

A Dominant of mine once sat up with me and read to me as I held my very very sick child. She had stridor and whooping cough and i was afraid to sleep. I was so tired. I'd done it alone for 36 hours and i knew i had another 24 to go. i was so afraid I would fall asleep. He stayed with me. He read to me all night and helped me keep watch. I was grateful for his gift of time.



A Dominant of mine once used to call me every day at lunch (my lunch). He would be sure to take his break at the same time just so he could be sure to hear my voice. I remember a recording he sent me, he was telling me how pleased he was with something I'd done and he looked at the time and said: "Whoops! I've got to end this, I'm late in calling you, and I'm sure you are worried. You will be looking at your phone and messaging me "Daddy! Where are you?!" God i love it when I hear your voice so happy to hear me like that. I will never get tired of it." (He did, sadly, but such is life, and it moves on.) The memory still warms my heart. as does the memory of my students noting the stupid grin on my face as I quietly spoke to him during lunch, my phone tucked to my ear.



A Dominant of mine once used to love to surprise me some mornings and put me in the car with him on his drive. He would sometimes let me see his face while he drove and we talked. If the weather was particularly poor, or the weather particularly lovely he would turn the camera so i could "sit in the passenger seat" and watch the drive. I would still know the way to his house by heart. If I was in a car I would be able to close my eyes and know when we were getting close just by counting the turns. It always made me feel so freaking loved that he wanted to share that time with me.



Time. My first need is Time.

https://voca.ro/fVqHkD4xca8 << edited. Hopefully this one plays nicely!

~The Velveteen slave

and for Muse <3 my dear friend. https://voca.ro/dU06iNDjAP5

 

[littlebirdjoy]

*disclaimer: If you have not read the first two blog posts in this series, please move backwards in time and do so. It will not make as much sense if you do not know why I am writing this. Thank you.



#2 Growth

ο δ ανεζεταστος βιος ου βιωτος ανθρωποι ~Socrates



You may not know it, but while this site is my HOME, it is not actually the site I've been on longest, or most actively. The place I most often frequent I host a thread entitled: Lessons Learned that invites submissives and Dominants to share the deep and meaningful or small and silly lessons that their dynamics teach them. Now, truth be told I do the majority of the posting (which is why here is home, and there is not), still, that says a lot about who I am and what is important to me.



The unexamined life is not worth living. If you are standing still, if your growth as an individual, as a submissive, an *insert your descriptor here* is stunted and you are at ease... you are doing it wrong. Countless people; both living and dead, who are FAR more wise than I will ever be have attempted to get this point through to us. Marcus Aurelius said, "At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm? So you were born to feel “nice”? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands? You don’t love yourself enough. Or you’d love your nature too, and what it demands of you.When they’re really possessed by what they do, they’d rather stop eating and sleeping than give up practicing their arts. Is helping others less valuable to you? Not worth your effort? When you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, remember that your defining characteristic— what defines a human being — is to work with others. Even animals know how to sleep. And it’s the characteristic activity that’s the more natural one — more innate and more satisfying."

More recently and personally, someone incredibly important to me used to say over and over again, "You can only fail at being what you TRULY are."





What does any of that have to do with growth? At my core I'm a student of life. I'm a servant of the universe. I'm a teacher. I'm many many many things, but what I'm not content to be is stagnant. Nothing makes my teeth itch and my skin crawl and makes me feel like I'm running internal circles and pacing the floor like when I'm forced to sit and wait ungrowing, unchanging, untended.



A Dominant of mine once said to me sarcastically that I always sought out my "gurus". He bemoaned that I had better go seek my "lesson". He had a habit of paying me the greatest compliments in ways he believed were criticisms? *smiles*. Telling. He will be gratified to know that one of my greatest teachers and confidantes right now is an amazingly wonderful, brilliant, and protective woman. *sticks out tongue playfully at his memory* See, it CAN be a woman, it just needs to be one I feel I've got a lot to learn from, who is strong enough to teach me.



Strong enough? Yes. More recently I was told that, "It's hard to raise a stubborn daughter." Yes, it is. I'm stubborn because I dont just learn on the surface. I will fight a lesson, fight to understand it, to understand every part of it. To conquer it, and then to own it. I'm not a sponge in my learning... I'm not a sheep. These are not judgments of others' learning styles, but acknowledgement of my own. I do not need a lesson beaten into me! It will not work.



What will work? How do I learn? What do I need to learn?

.... I do not know. It takes a wise, patient, and immensely intelligent Man to Master me. You can not do so if you are not my better. You can not do so if you can not stomach and APPRECIATE my need to truly comprehend. You can not do so if you have not the time, patience, or derive pleasure from watching one under your hand grow. It must be a part of who you are and what you need in your very core being, as much as it is mine.



Here is the catch: Growth is, to my mind, a cyclical breathing exercise. It should be self perpetuating! My growth from things you bring to me should spark conversation, dialogue, action which in turn sparks growth in you. It is not a one way parasitic thing. If I can not and do not challenge you, if you do not see me as capable of teaching YOU and inspiring changes in YOU, then this is not the relationship for you either; for as much as I'm a student of life, im at my soul level a teacher. To be allowed the privileged of knowing that I have impacted your own journey is not a statement of your weakness, but of your strength and an acknowledgement of my own. If this frightens you, or is not something you want... then I am not something you want. I will never be haughty or prideful that I "taught you a lesson". it is HUMBLING and gives me a great sense of gratitude that you allowed me to have that connection with you.



When are times that I have experienced this wonderful growth in my life?

I had a Dominant in my life at one point who was wholly unlike anyone else I've ever met. I do not usually enter into relationships that it is clear they will never be anything more than online. Still, I was drawn to conversing with him from day 1. He was not emotionally open, which is also not something i'm usually drawn to. He was completely closed off. Our original interaction came because he complimented my username and welcomed me to a site. I thanked him and asked him why he was there. He gave me a very tearse reply and said there are only two reasons a man is on a site like that: he is either socially inept or lonely and unsatisfied. I said that there was a third he missed. I proceeded to outline the third. His demeanor completely and utterly changed. He messaged me back in great detail telling me he had given me bones and straw. I had drawn on it muscles and flesh, color and life.

He told me over time that he mat indeed give me a ladder to get over his walls, but that remained to be seen. Over time i asked how many rungs it would take to climb that wall. He said 28. So I crafted a ladder... a very small very intricate ladder with 28 rungs and sent it to him. When i would do something that massively pleased him, and brought me one step closer to being over that wall, he would tell me i may add a step to the ladder. I put many roses each hand-stitched onto the ladder, every time I'd gain a step.

This Man was one of the greatest teachers on my life. I saw his face only twice (if you ever read this, i hope you have continued to work on your smile) and heard his voice only once. He did however, give me the gift of his TIME only sparingly. He taught me me many many many lessons. The greatest of which, I believe, was about the ages of love. I had no idea that love had distinct ages. It helped me to understand so very much. I will be forever grateful to you; Mr. Richard. Thank you for allowing me to climb that wall. Thank you for sending me on my way when you felt it was the time for me to continue my path.



Another time I learned a painful lesson: I had asked my Master to take care of a situation that was painful to me. I had asked him to be an intermediary between myself and someone else. However, in the middle of it, i replied to the person he was dealing with at my bequest. When he knew he sat me down differently than any other time in the past. He told me alright, his hands were off. He would no longer deal with this matter. I sat silently and cried. He asked me if that was fair? I choked out a reply: "No, Master, please. It is not." "why not? Clearly you believe that you can handle this situation better than I can. your actions say that you do." "No, Master, I do not. I'm sorry. You are right, my actions said that, but it was wrong. I do need your help and wisdom in this matter. I can not handle it alone. It is too big and too scary for me. Please, do not give the responsibility back to me. Please help me carry it." ... and he did. This may not seem in keeping with my saying that I would let POSITIVE memories dictate my needs. How is this a positive memory? The growth and closeness that hard lessons bring deepens the trust in the relationship. After that I never attempted to "take back" a responsibility he had accepted to carry and one I had offered to him. The lesson hurt, the relationship grew. Thank you, Grumps, for teaching me what it truly meant to give in and let you carry the weight.



Finally, I remember one time my Master sat me down and told me "Sit down! You are not to move from that spot until you can tell me exactly what is wrong with that sentence. You are not to move. you are not to distract yourself. Think. You have it in you to make this lesson take as long or as short as you desire. You are capable. You have the answer. Tell me when you know it."

So I sat there, on the floor of the office i do believe I was damn near naked though luckily it was not cold at the time. It took less than an hour for me to come back to him and say, "When I say the words "do you understand" it questions your dominion over me. It questions your knowledge of me. It questions your ability to lead me. When I ask "do you understand" it is a clear sign of doubt. Lastly, when I say "Do you understand" it puts the emphasis in the wrong place. I should be a bit less concerned with whether you understand, and far more concerned with whether I do. If you do not understand something you will find a way to ask it, or know it, before asking me to do something. I have acknowledged you as my Master, by doing so I acknowledged your understanding of me... asking this calls that into question. I am sorry, Master." That answer helped us grow and work together towards the growth he needed from me with farrrrr less difficulty. Thank you for truly knowing me.



I need you to: discover the parts of me that are stagnant. Identify places that i need to grow. Have the wisdom to know when it is the right time to help me do so. Decide how best that growth should happen. Praise me when i have succeeded. Correct me when I have fallen from the path you lay. Push me and hold me accountable if i am not keeping up the pace. Punish me if i have been willful or obstinate. Hold high expectations of me. Have mercy when it is warranted. Be my biggest supporter in my struggles. Take the time to clearly set out the expectations for growth, make sure i understand them before jumping to conclusions about my failures. Be man enough to adjust expectations and admit miscalculations. Give me ways to make you PROUD. Never accept less than what will make you proud to be my owner... because I'm responsible TO the relationship, to you. You are responsible FOR the relationship, for me.



~The Velveteen slave.



https://voca.ro/B9JSVfIx5C3

 

[phil1955]

A lot of very interesting concepts and ideas. Thank you for sharing.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

You're welcome, Phil1955. Thank you for taking the time to read. Feel free to add!

 

[littlebirdjoy]

*disclaimer: If you have not read the first three blog posts in this series, please move backwards in time and do so. It will not make as much sense if you do not know why I am writing this. The first post in the series is: "Taken to Task". Thank you.

Need #3 to be seen, heard, understood​

Some might opt to break these three into separate needs, but for me it is all part of one fluid process.

". . . it is not uncommon for masters to pride themselves on the depth with which they know their slave girls; this depth is far greater in my opinion than that with which the average husband of Earth knows his wife; the slave girl is not simply someone with whom the man lives; she is very special to him; she is a treasured possession; he owns her; he wants to know, profoundly and deeply, the background, history, the mind, the intelligence, the appetites, the nature and the dispositions of his lovely article of property;..." ~Tribesmen of Gor Book 10 Page 42

My hubris (okay one of them) is that I'm well aware of my own intelligence. I will not "one true way" things, so yes, there are plenty of submissives and slaves out there that are truly desirous of having no say in their life. Of being simply told what to do, and being allowed to be mindless. Bless them. I am not among their ranks. I crave the knowledge that my Master holds me completely and entirely. Knows all of me. Knows my past and my present so he can best chart a path forward to the future. He knows my fears and doubts... those tapes that play on in the back of my mind, knows where those demons came from and then can best know how to tame them. Knows the things that I am proud of, and does not feel intimidated by them or feel the need to blow my candle out to make his shine brighter, rather knows that my successes are feathers in his own cap.

In order to get there is a tried and true path... you have to see someone, all of them. The things that are easy to show, and then the things they are afraid or hurt to expose. I need you to see it all. I need you to HEAR me, not just the words I say, but the words of my heart, the things that words fail to express. The things body language and breath express best. The things that are said when you know what every expression truly means. When you know exactly what a tight lipped smile means vs when my teeth show. Hear not what you are afraid I am saying, or what someone in the past meant when they said "ABC". Then I need you to use all of your wisdom and intellect as well as your own heart and soul to understand me.

Someone important to me has been pounding it into my thick skull that "we do not see others how they are, we see them how we are. "~ Anais Nin.

They drove the idea home that very often we paint onto others words the inflections, backgrounds, intentions, and meanings we either: wish to see, or are afraid to see. Both are equally as likely. It is very hard for people to stop writing their own narratives over situations and experiences and accept them for the truth of what the other party is offering based upon the totality of themselves.



What does it look like when I'm seen, heard, and understood?

I received a box once upon a time... inside it were a few very special and important items... I will only discuss one: Inside was a shirt inside a ziplock double lock bag. The shirt I had seen worn for weeks and weeks. I knew the minute i saw it inside the plastic bag exactly what it was. Only last week did I take the shirt out of the bag entirely. Over the last year i have just opened one tiny corner of the bag to touch it, or smell it, or hold it close inside the bag. Last week, i took it out of the bag, buried my face in it and cried harder than I have in two years. The shirt, and everything else in the box which was entirely unprompted made me feel very seen, heard, and understood.



I received a message from someone else entirely different at one point... it was in reply to a message I sent answering some questions. The person had asked questions on an open forum, and they were incredibly thoughtful, deep, and thought provoking. I wrote back with the depth they deserved. What I received back was the single greatest piece of writing I've had the honor of receiving. The man wrote me about a shirt of his own he loved. He wrote me fully 6 pages of different experiences that this shirt saw him through, and how it was a memento of all of those times. It ended with telling me how he would never have another time to say, "perhaps i love this shirt best because" for it is buried along with a part of my heart... and shared that hurt with me. I have rarely ever felt so well met and on even ground.



a Dominant of mine who did me great hurt, and I did him equally... came back to me one day and asked me for A DAY. One day to get it all right where we got it wrong. One day to replace all the shit we had been through. One day to hang onto. Fuck I loved that man. In that day; he put me in his pocket and carried me around. He tucked me in for the only second time he EVER did, and actually stuck around until I fell asleep. He read me a story that he wrote himself, which I still have entirely memorized. The most important moment came at lunch when he called me for the first time in countless months. I sat in an empty classroom where he told me he was proud of me and I again cried, not ugly broken tears, but deeply needed healing ones. I did not cry when he told me he loved me. I did not cry when he told me he missed me. I cried when he told me he was proud of me. Those were the words my soul most longed to hear.

That day I felt, seen, heard, and understood.



A Master who was incredibly special and important in my life never had to have me explain myself. He always knew. The pocket didnt come a year into a broken relationship. "I'm proud of you" and "I love you" were not so foreign as to cause tears when heard. Rather he felt like he always knew me, because at one point of time, he was me. This was never better shown than how I felt the first time he spoke softly to me and pulled my little put from under every blanket and pillow she had been hiding under ... where I didnt even know she lived. It shocked him every bit as much as it shocked me. I felt very much seen, heard, and understood.



~The Velveteen Slave

will add music once the workers who are installing my porch covering are gone. <3

 

[littlebirdjoy]

..... *flails*
David and Goliath is tomorrow and I'm scared sh**less. ... or rather I'm in IBS hell to be perfectly honest.

I am not in a writing mood today... and then i ran across this gem:

"I would like to start off with absolutely beautiful ladies. When me and Hazel eyes first started talking I got limited pictures, by that I mean head shots, my pictures of me are on my profile I have nothing to hide as I say it's just me. As we talked for hours on end I got the impression that she wasn't self confident enough to show me a full body pick, pg folks I'm not a pervert. As the days turned to weeks I got snippets of in my opinion a beautiful ass in cute underwear, but not enough to see the whole her. I could tell by now she had some self body issues and it stemmed from a previous relationship, even though she was a healthy woman for her height and weight, she was a runner also and if she gained any weight she was ridicule for it. One day we were kinda having a spat, I was trying to push her away because I didn't feel I was good enough for her, conversation turned she didn't feel good enough for me. So in this heated conversation I asked her to send me a picture of her naked and let me decide if I would be happy or disappointed with her, she reluctantly did crying the whole time. I open the text to see the most beautiful person ever, she was not 5 ft 2 eyes of blue as they say is the perfect woman, she had flaws, scars, curves, and most importantly shape. I said to her over the phone a thousand miles away you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen, I didn't fall in love with her body, I feel in love with her mind, heart, and soul because they were so beautiful that her body was an added bonus to go along with this special person. From day one body site unseen until her visit last July when I saw every inch of this amazing woman for me she is my Greek Goddess. Ladies and gentlemen, find the person that sees beyond whats on the outside, because it's what's on the inside that truly matters. My father and I have this saying they may be beautiful on the outside but when they open their mouths the true ugliness comes out. So I say, love your shape, flaws, scars, imperfections they are what makes you intriguing, unique, and beautiful. Big hug to everyone, love yourself and love life."


..........
I'm reblogging this here because of how it struck me.

I'm not sure it is beautiful at all.
Thank you for sharing... I'm glad all is well that ends well... but this post is problematic for me. I would ask you not to delete this if you are worth your salt at all as a Dominant. THIS IS NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK I do not know you or your relationship.
however, this will be read by countless Doms, Dommes, submissives, slaves and everything in between. It should be a teaching moment. This story lacks a few VERY important details that make it either: healthy, safe, and a beautiful example of D/s power exchange and healthy boundary pushing.... or a perfect example of what UNHEALTHY looks like when abuse and fear masquerade as part of this lifestyle. AGAIN NOT PERSONAL ATTACK.

So what is the red flag here? "she reluctantly did crying the whole time."
You were having a spat (normal for couples of all stripes) and she expressed a deep seated FEAR of rejection (normal for all people of all genders and orientations) and as a reaction you use the word "asked" ... some other men might have "demanded" or "commanded" her to send a picture and she did RELUCTANTLY and CRYING.
This can either be a perfect example of her expressing her distress as she participated in consentual power exchange which is not at all always comfortable and can absolutely be emotionally distressing as your comfort zone is expanded.
OR
It could be a perfect example of a person expressing genuine dismay and feeling manipulated into doing something they were not at all ready to do, and having their boundaries trampled all over under the guise of D/s. ...

I'm so glad that it worked out for you, and that you are now together happily, ostensibly. however, i shudder to think, what would have happened to this girl if you had not been you? If you had NOT been utterly enamoured of what you saw? If you had been anyone else who might have had less than honorable intentions?

So... as it is written right now, please note that this is NOT an open and shut case of "oh how beautiful." What is unwritten is what makes it beautiful and safe and ok. Any submissive reading this YOU SHOULD NOT BE PRESSURED to cross your boundaries. YOU SHOULD NOT feel fear and pain you have not consented to. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to say no. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to say "not yet". YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY "I do not feel comfortable."
If ANYONE demands or manipulates you into agreeing to do something you feel unready or unwilling to do they are not a Dominant, they are an abuser.

Dominants: you do NOT have the right to make someone CRY and reluctantly do something just to satisfy your own wants and ego. YOU DO NOT have the right to say that trampling on someone's boundaries is "expanding their limits." limits are limits. Expanding a comfort zone is one thing... limits are another. If she is crying, or visibly affected.. or even of she has gone silent... scratch that THIS LIFESTYLE IS ABOUT ACTIVE AND CONTINUAL VIGOROUS CONSENT. Unless you are currently actively participating in a CNC negotiated scene...in which case... party on!

For the 4th time... this is not a personal attack. I do not know you. I hope you will leave this and maybe edit the bottom of your post to fill in the parts that MAKE this a beautiful story. <3 my concern is for the uneducated among us who may not KNOW the unsaid parts and will take this as carte blanche where it is not.

BLERG. The concept is one that can not be repeated enough.

~Faith/Angie aka The Velveteen Slave

 

[littlebirdjoy]

David and Goliath​

Today is the true start of my David and Goliath. ... except that isnt true at all.



My David and Goliath began... counts backwards... 5 years ago. The summer prior, or rather for THREE summers prior I'd agreed to meet my best friend whom i'd not seen in 6 years because it went against my husband's rules. Every year we would make plans and the day before I would chicken out and get scared and call it off. Every year, he understood. That year he was a SMART man. He called me when he was getting up, and stayed with me on the phone until he was pulling into my community. I cooked, I danced, I sang, and when he pulled into my city I could not still my feet. I RAN to meet him. I ran down my street, across a church parking lot, down another very busy street scanning inside cars to see his face until he spotted me, pulled over and i jumoped into his van and threw my arms around his neck. I dunno how long we stayed there hugging but when I finally let go i sat there and stared into the eyes i loved and said "hi" ... "hi".



My David and Goliath fight began two hours later. When we were getting out of the van and walking into Universal with my son. I had been forbidden to touch any male beside my husband, speak to them, look at them, even know their name for 11 years. I had obeyed all of that. I also knew that he knows things he should have no way of knowing. Even though i was a world a way in a place he should never be able to find... still the feat had me in a choke hold.



As I got out of the car it registered in my mind that I had to make a decision right now. Was I going to live in fear of what he might do, what he might find out, or was I going to give myself *this day*? I consciously and intentionally chose *this day*.



As I exited the car i looked at my best friend and smiled for the first time I'd smiled at a man in a VERY long time and reached down and took his hand.... something else I'd not been allowed in over a decade. I was not allowed to touch my husband in public. My best friend held my hand tightly and kissed the top of my head.



The day was one of the most amazing days of my life, full stop. it also reawakened all of this *waves hand* again. The next to last time I ever saw my best friend i had just understood what i was and I had basically nekked cat crawled up him and asked him to be my Sir. It did not go well He was not *at that time* ready for THAT to come out of his Angel's mouth ^__^. Poor thing. He thought he was the perverted one. Whoops.



Over the course of this day, all of me came back alive. When he directed us to stand at the veeerrryyyyy corner edge of the Poseidon Adventure and wrapped his arms around my chest mine tucked atop his and... discretely had a whole lot of fun while everyone's eyes were directed at the stage. I melted back into him i was in heaven. I was told after that i very much did do more than I consciously remember doing. I actually apologized after for not reciprocating to which he replied with quizzical shock... but... you... did. ... *blush*



When we got out of the show my son pipes up *what do you wanna do next?* me: THAT... AGAIN... THAT THAT THAT! *cracks up*



I will not fill in all of the details of the day, but the night continued with me falling asleep on his knee watching "our movie" which has BEEN our movie since the first day of college. He even left it with me that night. When son went to bed we stayed up to talk. He sat on the sofa, I was in kneel beside his leg... not because I intended to be, but because that is who i am. and he motioned me to sit beside him... the conversation went ... interesting places, it is the last time someone physically **picked me up** and put me someplace *YES PLEASE!* and at one point he said rather breathlessly while stroking my thigh, "Yeah... i can be your Sir" ... out of NOWHERE ... a continuation of a conversation from a decade prior. ... and I dunno how i got from where i was to straddling his lap, but I did in exactly 2 seconds flat. It was one of the most important things that ever happened.



That night ended with one of the greatest exchanges of my life. As he was putting on his shoes i was still in kneel on the floor, I didnt even realize I was. We were talking about the break in at my house and i was saying how it was partly my fault I'd lost my things as my ex had told me to carry them back and forth and I didnt. He stopped got directly in front of me squatting down, his hand on my chin and he looked me dead in the eyes and said: "Alright, you want me to be your Sir, here is my first command. You WILL learn to take responsibility, and credit where it is earned and you will learn to place blame where it is due. You do not hold blame for those people's bad actions. Do you hear me?" "Yes, Sir." "good."



I wish i could say that he ended up being the right man for me, and that this is an epic love story. It is, of a kind, and at the same time it isnt. He is the greatest love of my life, but it is not the kind of love that sustains a relationship of the romantic kind. We do love eachother very very much, and always will, but this lifestyle is not for him. I ended up having to tell him after a year and a day that no, I could not swear to be his girl forever and never ever ever walk away from the relationship again. We are best friends, and ALWAYS will be, but our relationship is of a different sort. Still, he helped me to STAND UP.



My David and Goliath fight began there and has had many small steps over the last 6 years. The night the lightbulb went on in my head after he said, "You think you are SAFE? You are not SAFE. you will never be SAFE." and the lightbulb went on in my head: "Ohhhh you need me AFRAID *hands up in the air, head down* Alright, I'm afraid.... I'm afraid." ... but for the first time I was not. ~ a step

When I got him out of the house for the first time ~ a step

When I spoke my needs knowing he would never ever give them ~ a step

When I told him i would never ever be his again ~ a step

When i finally got away and got "safe" ~ a jump

When i contacted the lawyer despite everyone around me telling me "dont" ~ a step



Today.... i stand my ground. Today he will know i am not backing down, I'm not running away. I will not be cowed any longer, and he does not own me any more. It is not the only round in this fight, there will be no one hit K.O..... but it is round 1.



I can only thank the people who have helped me along the way to get strong enough to fight this very big battle. Thank you to every D type who made me just a little bit stronger to get here:

These people are mostly not here... but I will also post this where they are: TheGamerMaster for not letting me spend the first night alone. AngedeMusique for telling me I deserved it. Exiled for telling me I was safe now and guarding my first steps. Grumps/NoC for teaching me I was worth the fight, and how to love myself again. LordCrutiatius for giving me the tools.and for teaching me who I am and what i need, even if we disagree on what that IS at the moment. My Auntie Charlotte and my sister for sticking by me when the boys decided to desert the fight at the last minute, especially Auntie for holding me tight and never ever letting me go, and many many more along the way.



To every s type who has held my hand and taught me that I dont have to fight this alone:

you know who you are... i miss y'all more than you know.

Bunnie, thanks for still being there even when I hide in my turtle shell now and again. <3

Sis... i know you are both places, but you kinda gotta be ;p for always having my back and never letting go.



~The Velveteen Slave

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Wow. .... just.... wow.

I was going through a bit of a down day yesterday. Someone from the past decided to try and bring up nastiness all over again, which was not cute or right. Still.. it passed. I got up and finally continued my Needs series.
Went to bed but hadnt yet turned off my phone... and I received the following message which was the single most amazing compliment i've ever been given in my life bar none.

"Aloha *username on other site*,

Thank you for all your work and dedication towards maintaining your profile and expressing yourself so completely. As you can surmise, I have only recently begun looking into the BDSM community as a way to discover and control a missing component of my own psyche. Seeing your blog, profile, and hearing your songs were integral in my decision that this community, this lifestyle, might be the one I am more suited for.

Like you, I am also not at the stage of my life to entertain the idea of romance, as I am also putting my pieces together (or more aptly, needing to discover where the pieces I am missing might be before I determine if they fit in my puzzle). I have a long way to go, but I wanted to let you know your words and your actions have resonated strongly with me.

I would greatly enjoy starting a discourse with you about the intricacies of this lifestyle, and what kind of control and guidance I can help offer someone as I go through my initiation into this community. Regardless of whether that would interest you, I did want to take the moment to thank you for your words. Wherever you go or whatever you do, please know that it has been very enlightening and motivating to share in your mind that has been portrayed here.

Mahalo and take care during this time,

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I'm so incredibly grateful. It literally brought me to tears.
I'm sharing here to say... thank you to the people here who helped me to grow and learn along the way that I could be the person ^that was written to and about. i appreciate all of you, even the ones who were the source of hard lessons.

~Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Needs #4 Safety/Consistency​

​

I read a post two months back and it was the first thing that literally made me cry. It brought my soul to my knees because of how deeply it resonated with me. In the post the Dominant was dealing with the concept of Wants vs needs, which most of us have read a million times over. However the example he used knocked me back ten steps. In it he discussed how it is much more difficult to truly identify wants and needs inside aspects of a relationship and gave the following example: "The situation complicates because in most cases we are not dealing with simple subjects. We are not dealing with things but with aspects of our relationship. Does she want the excitement of being bound to your bed each night or does she need it as a representation of being held within your sphere. In one case, it is a hot kick which is fun and you can do it or not, and in the other it is a symbol of your surrounding her with your protection and you had best NOT forget about it." ~Master Arach theeroticist.com ( full post: https://theeroticist.wordpress.com/2017/01/12/wants-and-needs/)

I sat on my bed and had to put the phone down and cry. He had hit the nail completely on the head. So many times we place a deeper emotional meaning on specific actions and how they make us feel. It definitely can very on both sides of the slash, and sometimes we may not think to communicate how the action really affects us internally... maybe we dont even think to, or it doesnt occur to us at the time. Maybe we aren't even completely aware of it.



One of my greatest... I'd say top 2 NEEDS in a relationship is to feel safe. I dont mean physically safe, that should be a given. i mean safe to be emotionally vulnerable. i need to know that my hurts will be heard and cared about. I need to know my joys will be cared about too. My concerns matter. That my past isnt just swept under the rug and pretended like it has no bearing on my present.



Safety also in relation to expectations. I need to know that I know the limits. My mom always told me as a little girl that children feel safer when the limits are clear and enforced. That they will push those limits to test to be sure that they would hold firm. I can look back at the moments in my relationships when I felt particularly like they were unsure and I can see where I pushed. Not hard. But i did. It was me saying... "have you still got us?" "Are you still holding firmly?" A friend on here posted the most wonderful video on here a week ago which she felt displayed a healthy brat dynamic very well. while i do not consider myself a brat in the least... i can absolutely see elements of this in myself when things are shaky. A book I once read but can no longer recall the name of used to identify these as "Conquer me Feelings"... and it is absolutely apt. It is those moments when I desperately need to feel that hold on me, on my metaphorical or literal leash to say "I've got you." Sometimes i just fucking need it.

https://youtu.be/VodvHIuV-8o


original blog post: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=34078&blog_id=68569 <3 you



Consistency is one surefire method to making me feel that safety. Consistency I think underpins it. If consistency is there both in action and expectation then i never have to feel those wheel spinning in the dirt, flailing, falling feelings.



When have I felt that safety and consistency?

I had one Master who would make sure to tuck me in every single night. I used to regularly fall asleep laying on my tile floor with my phone pressed to my ear. When I would wake he would be there ***EVERY TIME** and he would say "Do you think you can sleep for me, my sweet slave?" ... he would remind me to check my locks and gas and ask me to tell him when I'd gotten into bed. He had something very specific he would say. Years later i still have every word memorized. Every word was intentionally chosen. It was the most safe I ever felt, despite my life was in massive turmoil.



I've mentioned Mr. Richard by name in a previous post. He was absolutely military in his consistency with communicating with me. I knew I had from 10pm to 12am. I knew where i was to be waiting, and how. 99.9999% of days he would be there, and if he was not, there was a damn good reason. I also knew that that time belonged to him. I had only two rules: Do not divide your attention. Tell me if you need to handle something else. Promptly at midnight I knew no matter WHAT was going on he did not want a single message from me. I better put my damn phone/computer down and go to sleep! God help me if i messaged after midnight. *lol* It was not because there was someone on his side that he was concerned about disturbing... no. it was because he knew what time i had to wake in the morning and it was incredibly important to him that he did not do me ill. he needed to know that that time was his without feeling guilty that he was keeping me from sleep i needed to be a healthy and productive member of society. It freed him as much as it freed me. The times that he was not there, in every circumstance save 2 he had informed me prior where he would be, what he would be doing, and **WHEN he would communicate with me again**. << i should have thanked him for this more. ... The two occasions were absolutely nothing he could control, and he came home to find me "curled up on his chair" once ... and "sleeping in his spot" the other. xD (It made him smile)

I think he was a fantastic example of consistency and how it positively affects my quality of life.



I think micro rituals and protocols are so positive for me because they underscore that consistency and sense of safety. It sets the parameters for me (maybe for U/us both) such that it becomes second nature. That does not mean they should be just a tick-box to say "yep did it done!" No. These things should always be mindfully done, intentional, and with purpose... but that is a topic for a different post.

I believe that that specific passage about how being bound to someone's bed could be a symbol of their care and protection struck me so deeply because at one point... my Master KNEW this. He knew it. He is the one who opened that door for me.... but I did not ask for that consistency. I did not tell him how much it mattered, or how much I ached for it. I was not honest with him or myself. I regret this.



~The Velveteen Slave



As always, ending with a song <3

Needs: Consistency/Safety https://voca.ro/hiGszow1eCr

original artist: Jacki Velasquez sung by yours truly.

 

[sally_sparrow]

Needs #4 Safety/Consistency​

​

I read a post two months back and it was the first thing that literally made me cry. It brought my soul to my knees because of how deeply it resonated with me. In the post the Dominant was dealing with the concept of Wants vs needs, which most of us have read a million times over. However the example he used knocked me back ten steps. In it he discussed how it is much more difficult to truly identify wants and needs inside aspects of a relationship and gave the following example: "The situation complicates because in most cases we are not dealing with simple subjects. We are not dealing with things but with aspects of our relationship. Does she want the excitement of being bound to your bed each night or does she need it as a representation of being held within your sphere. In one case, it is a hot kick which is fun and you can do it or not, and in the other it is a symbol of your surrounding her with your protection and you had best NOT forget about it." ~Master Arach theeroticist.com ( full post: https://theeroticist.wordpress.com/2017/01/12/wants-and-needs/)

I sat on my bed and had to put the phone down and cry. He had hit the nail completely on the head. So many times we place a deeper emotional meaning on specific actions and how they make us feel. It definitely can very on both sides of the slash, and sometimes we may not think to communicate how the action really affects us internally... maybe we dont even think to, or it doesnt occur to us at the time. Maybe we aren't even completely aware of it.



One of my greatest... I'd say top 2 NEEDS in a relationship is to feel safe. I dont mean physically safe, that should be a given. i mean safe to be emotionally vulnerable. i need to know that my hurts will be heard and cared about. I need to know my joys will be cared about too. My concerns matter. That my past isnt just swept under the rug and pretended like it has no bearing on my present.



Safety also in relation to expectations. I need to know that I know the limits. My mom always told me as a little girl that children feel safer when the limits are clear and enforced. That they will push those limits to test to be sure that they would hold firm. I can look back at the moments in my relationships when I felt particularly like they were unsure and I can see where I pushed. Not hard. But i did. It was me saying... "have you still got us?" "Are you still holding firmly?" A friend on here posted the most wonderful video on here a week ago which she felt displayed a healthy brat dynamic very well. while i do not consider myself a brat in the least... i can absolutely see elements of this in myself when things are shaky. A book I once read but can no longer recall the name of used to identify these as "Conquer me Feelings"... and it is absolutely apt. It is those moments when I desperately need to feel that hold on me, on my metaphorical or literal leash to say "I've got you." Sometimes i just fucking need it.

https://youtu.be/VodvHIuV-8o


original blog post: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=34078&blog_id=68569 <3 you



Consistency is one surefire method to making me feel that safety. Consistency I think underpins it. If consistency is there both in action and expectation then i never have to feel those wheel spinning in the dirt, flailing, falling feelings.



When have I felt that safety and consistency?

I had one Master who would make sure to tuck me in every single night. I used to regularly fall asleep laying on my tile floor with my phone pressed to my ear. When I would wake he would be there ***EVERY TIME** and he would say "Do you think you can sleep for me, my sweet slave?" ... he would remind me to check my locks and gas and ask me to tell him when I'd gotten into bed. He had something very specific he would say. Years later i still have every word memorized. Every word was intentionally chosen. It was the most safe I ever felt, despite my life was in massive turmoil.



I've mentioned Mr. Richard by name in a previous post. He was absolutely military in his consistency with communicating with me. I knew I had from 10pm to 12am. I knew where i was to be waiting, and how. 99.9999% of days he would be there, and if he was not, there was a damn good reason. I also knew that that time belonged to him. I had only two rules: Do not divide your attention. Tell me if you need to handle something else. Promptly at midnight I knew no matter WHAT was going on he did not want a single message from me. I better put my damn phone/computer down and go to sleep! God help me if i messaged after midnight. *lol* It was not because there was someone on his side that he was concerned about disturbing... no. it was because he knew what time i had to wake in the morning and it was incredibly important to him that he did not do me ill. he needed to know that that time was his without feeling guilty that he was keeping me from sleep i needed to be a healthy and productive member of society. It freed him as much as it freed me. The times that he was not there, in every circumstance save 2 he had informed me prior where he would be, what he would be doing, and **WHEN he would communicate with me again**. << i should have thanked him for this more. ... The two occasions were absolutely nothing he could control, and he came home to find me "curled up on his chair" once ... and "sleeping in his spot" the other. xD (It made him smile)

I think he was a fantastic example of consistency and how it positively affects my quality of life.



I think micro rituals and protocols are so positive for me because they underscore that consistency and sense of safety. It sets the parameters for me (maybe for U/us both) such that it becomes second nature. That does not mean they should be just a tick-box to say "yep did it done!" No. These things should always be mindfully done, intentional, and with purpose... but that is a topic for a different post.

I believe that that specific passage about how being bound to someone's bed could be a symbol of their care and protection struck me so deeply because at one point... my Master KNEW this. He knew it. He is the one who opened that door for me.... but I did not ask for that consistency. I did not tell him how much it mattered, or how much I ached for it. I was not honest with him or myself. I regret this.



~The Velveteen Slave



As always, ending with a song <3

Needs: Consistency/Safety https://voca.ro/hiGszow1eCr

original artist: Jacki Velasquez sung by yours truly.

I love your posts here, LBJ. So heartfelt and honest. Thank you for sharing.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I love your posts here, LBJ. So heartfelt and honest. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you Sally. That mattered. I appreciate it. <3

 

[littlebirdjoy]

A Life of Love and Passion​

​

"A life without love is of no account. Don't ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divine or mundane, Eastern or Western. Divisions only lead to more divisions. Love has no labels, no definitions. It is what it is, pure and simple. “Love is the water of life. And a lover is a soul of fire! “The universe turns differently when fire loves water."

~Elif Safak



I have been pretty open about my profession; I am a teacher. One thing I have not discussed open is that I also teach about teaching. I've been asked to speak at several large venues and many smaller ones. Every summer I spend a pretty significant portion of my time giving workshops to educational professionals. My favorite topic, the one that is closest to my heart is "Teaching with Passion; Bridging the Gap". It is a workshop I'm asked to give year in and year out. I was actually SUPPOSED to be traveling to Asia and the Americas this year with a specific group I'd been invited to be a presenter for *tear* ... another year.



About three months back a friend of mine said to me, "Well it's good that you have someone who loves you and tells you so." and I replied, "... Love is ... hard... for him... he does love me, but being IN love is not something he wants. He will avoid it at all cost." The person paused, stared at me hard... I could see the wheels in their head turning, almost smell the smoke and then they asked with genuine confusion, "and that is the life you want? That is good enough for you?" I will admit I made a shit ton of excuses in that conversation I'd never before have made... and before you get out the lecture stools I KNOW I don't owe ANYONE explanations... but in this case I wanted the person to understand.



Understand what exactly? Love is Love, right?



I used to think so too. In this series I've mentioned a man named Mr. Richard before, he was an integral part of my "growing up". One of the things Mr. Richard taught me that was unique to him, I've never heard anyone else discuss this before or since. He spent time discussing ages of love. He taught me that just like people change over the course of a lifetime, and love changes over the course of a relationship (stages of love), love also has a maturity to it dependent upon the maturity of the person giving that love. Mr. Richard spent time discussing with me

~childish love: a childish love is completely selfish. The world revolves around what this person receives. If they receive the love and attention they want and in the way they want, then they will be giving of their love and affection. If they do not receive the love and attention in the way and measure they desire they will become withholding.

~adolescent love: adolescent love comes in two forms transactional or unintentional.

in transactional adolescent love if they receive the love and attention they want and in the way they want, then they will be giving of their love and affection. If they do not receive the love and attention in the way and measure they desire they will become withholding. "You get what you give." "I'll do you if you do me."

in unintentional adolescent love the person loves without being intentional about it. They simply DO. Everything they do they do without thought. Every expression of love comes naturally, and they never give consideration to how

that love is received, or even if it is received. They are loving selfishly. (I know I just heard a million objections. I will explain, I promise. Please suspend the arguments for just a little bit.)

~mature love: In a mature love the person is both intentional and freely giving in appropriate ways. They are aware of the ways that love is expressed to them. They are aware of the ways the object of their love needs and desires to hear that love. They intentionally and with purpose speak love to the object of their affection on a regular basis without withholding.



Mr. Richard spent a great time talking through previous relationships with me and helping me to identify the age of my love and the age of the love i had received. I was very much stuck in unintentional adolescent love. This was my age. I believed that so long as I threw my love openly and uninhibitedly at the object of my affections what they needed would just *stick*. LOL. It's a bit like looking at a wall and a paint can and thinking "I've got enough paint! I can just put down a tarp and throw the paint at it! It'll get what it needs!" ........... yeah, you'll get a painted wall alright. You loved the hell out of that wall.... but it won't achieve the result you set out to achieve! Parts of the wall will have paint so thick it will take a week to dry, it will bubble the first time it gets a little humid. Other parts of the wall will end up with barely any paint and the bare wall will show through. Was your goal to just "paint the wall?" You did that. Bravo. If your goal is "just to love" bravo. You did that. Congratulations.

But if your goal was to LOVE a PERSON... to communicate something... then you have to be intentional about it.



Let's take this and put it into a D/s context.

We can all line up bare our backsides and take a great paddling... and that may be exactly what some of us need.... but if there is no dynamic, no relationship there... nothing was COMMUNICATED there. Whereas if you are in a deeply committed D/s relationship that exact same action can communicate a plethora of things... it can communicate: "You are being punished and held accountable for a transgression. This is necessary for your and our growth." It can communicate "You were fucking hot today and turned me on so bad I could barely stand it, GRRRR I want you NOW!" it can communicate "Thank you for being my release from all of the stress this world has to offer. Thank you for trusting me and giving yourself up to me knowing that I will never harm you, but will use your body to bring both of us pleasure and relief that nothing else can, and only I know how." and a bajillion other things. ... but in order for it to communicate ANYTHING it has to be *intentional*



A secondary example and one dear to my heart. I can put a collar around my own neck and it is just a lovely fun accessory. It changes nothing in my heart. Some person can do the exact same thing... and it means absolutely nothing. Thank you for helping me with the clasp I couldn't reach it on my own. .... But kneeling down offering the same piece of leather or metal to the person to whom my heart, mind, and soul belong and asking to be allowed to wear it because of all he is to me, and born of my deepest and most sincere respect to him... and being told in return that I am his, and always will be, and having that exact same piece of leather or metal fastened around my neck communicates novels, galaxies, and oceans.



For love to be mature it must be intentional, and effective. *points to post Silence is Everything* https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35315

It must COMMUNICATE and to communicate it means that the giver of the love must be aware of how the receiver of that love can best hear and receive the intended message. Most of us here, I would wager, are well aware of the concept of love languages. If you are not, please let me know and I will get the resources to you. Most of us are aware of our own love language and we might think to ask our partner theirs in the beginning of a relationship just to ensure our comparability. If you are intentional about love you will realize that the type of love you need to hear changes over time both with age, and with other factors of life. We need to be aware of these changes in ourselves and our partner if we will be intentional in our loving. We also need to be self aware enough to speak those needs to our partner if they are not being intuitively met.





I need to be intentionally loved with mature love. I need my partner to INTEND to make me feel loved, and to be willing to find ways to express that love, because I deserve that, and I need it. How he chooses to do so, is up to him. I have no need or desire to control that, and it would defeat the purpose if I tried. I also need to have a partner who desires my love because i have A HUGE need to love. I would say that my need to give love and have it received is FAR greater than my need to receive love, though I will not deny that I MUST have love communicated to me. I'm pretty good at spotting love when it is communicated though, because the vast majority of my partners have been transational lovers or at best inintentional ones. I look forward to the day when my partner is intentional in his love.



So what does intentional love look like?

For my birthday one year, one of the last things between us... Mr. Richard had been working very late the night before, and i was unable to talk with him due to his rule that i MUST be in bed at midnight no matter what. If I opened or responded to an email at 12:01 .... I'm in trouble! I woke up the first thing to a picture he had drawn me. it was the kind to make a girl blush from head to toe! I was flabberghasted. We knew from the get go that we would never meet face to face, and he is the only man I've ever had a relationship with where I was completely fulfilled despite that knowledge. His reply was that he looked forward to the day when I could experience what he drew on my birthday. That was his wish for me. .... the face of the man was intentionally hidden. That was intentional love. It wasnt about what he could get, he was expressing that he heard a heart's desire from me, and he looked forward and wanted for me to have it. It was an expression of love in: time, attention, words, and actions.

That evening when he came home he sent me a second image... this time a picture of a dozen peach roses with a bow in a glass vase. Mr. Richard lived alone, and always had. I knew it was his kitchen table. He had gone out and bought flowers in a color I loved, to harken back to a memory i had told him... He told me that he was sorry he could not give them to me in my hands, but wanted me to have them. I cried. I cried because the love there was so very very real. This man is a very frugal man. He doesnt have a ton of disposible income, and he is intentional in what he spends his money on. He went out and bought actual roses... and did his dead level best to "give them to me". It was a gift of time, memory, money, and something he would never have done for himself. There was no selfishness in that expression of love at all. It was, I think... probably one of the top 3 most important gifts I've ever received.

I have been incredibly well loved.



Another time I have felt loved:

My Master and I hadnt been together too terribly long when he found out that my daughter and I shared a laptop. We had no TV, as my house was robbed two years ago and i lost absolutely everything. She and i had to take turns I couldnt write to or communicate with him as easily on the phone, but i needed to give her a way to be entertained at points in the day too.. He also didn't like that she was on youtube all the time. (I agreed, but had no other option really). He immediately added us to his netflix account and told me that at least there were educational things there. Additionally he had a laptop that he had not used in years. He fixed it up and sent it to me so that my daughter and i could both be doing things at the same time. I felt incredibly grateful and also incredibly awkward about it at first. I did't want to be seen as being after what he would DO for me. He stopped me and sat me down and explained to me that allowing him to take care of things HE identified as needs within his ability was part of allowing him to BE my Master. When I stopped and allowed my ego to take a hike and look at it from an expression of love, of intentional love and care I could see that he was intentionally in his way expressing "i love you" "you are important" "your needs are important and seen". He was expressing love in time, money, thoughtfulness, and action.



Another Master who is a friend of mine has stepped up in my life in a very kind way. He is not a "lover" of mine, but he has made me feel very loved. He is the one who started this whole rigmarole in speaking to me about my failing to address my needs from the outset. One of the first needs I identified was time. I told him how very much I missed my Master spending TIME with me. How I remembered that at one point a relationship i was very fulfilled by my Master would plan "dates" with me. We would take turns picking a movie t watch "together" (we would be on the phone and we would press play at the same time. We would pause as needed to discuss. i used to color while we did this and sometimes it would take a week or two to finish a picture, but the picture would always remind me of what we discussed when I was coloring it. I told him how lonely i felt. How much I desperately missed my Master spending that time with me. He recommended me watch a certain show, which I really got into... and then offered to "watch it with me" ... though it isnt at the same time, nor are we on the phone. We just watch the same episodes on the same days and write back and forth about it... but it is still an intentional gift of time, and of his energy. He has already seen it, but he heard how much I desperately missed this connection and he stepped up to say "I heard your heart. I heard this need. I can do this to help." I have felt very loved by this.



A final way I have been well and truly intentionally loved...

someone deeply important to me has been there to pick up the scattered pieces of Faith left all over the floor by the loves of my life. She has been there in her time, in her thoughts, in her understanding to help me work through it all. She has helped talk logic to me when all i could do was cry or scream. She has bee there to support me and prop me up when my fears and ego threatened to get in the way. She has been there to remind me every step along the way that i am not alone, that she hears and understands my heart. She has told me time and again in many ways that she sees all of me; the woman, the girl, the little, and the slave and that she loves me for all of it. She has stood up for my relationships. She has also protected me when that was needed.

Most of all she has loved me in whatever way I could accept at the time, be it as my friend, my Auntie, my confidante, my sister, my Protector, or my Momma. She has made it clear she will love and support me in whatever way I need. For her, this is *intentional*. She is not giving of her time and energy, her mind and her heart just randomly, nor with the caveat that she has to get out of it what she wants. She is giving me the gift of choice, something I've rarely ever had in my life. I hear her love.



For Mr. Richard... I will keep my promise, this one belongs to you. Always.

https://youtu.be/prgtEgvG-ms



For the one I miss...


https://youtu.be/9Jy8pK7tTzg


For my past:


https://youtu.be/AiIijxMA5xI


For my future:

https://youtu.be/dpQVEIehqDs



For Master Arach


https://youtu.be/qw32Z4qvtOE


For my Momma Henna aka Mommasaurus


https://youtu.be/ThNRsFJ7SPI


https://voca.ro/6EH1IFfuAUK yours truly singing Head Over Feet by Alanis Morsette



~The Velveteen slave (Littlebirdjoy)

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Supporting Y/your P/person



Lessons will come round and round until we fully understand them, embrace them, and apply them. Last night I had a much needed conversation with my Mommasaurus about what healthy should have looked like. We all have our demons that chase us. Those record voices in our mind that taunt us on repeat once triggered. One of mine is that I'm "a burden" I'm "too much". I know where these voices came from, and I work hard to combat them effectively. That doesn't mean that it always works. A second thread in my own life is the most destructive one which I think I will likely battle the rest of my life; "you are only good for one thing." Though that one thing changes dependent upon context. It boils down to that I have to "earn" someone's love. That if I don't do what it is that they need from me then they will cease to see me as a valuable part of their life. That does not mean ***I*** cease to view me as a valuable part of their life.

I understand none of those things are awesome or positive. I'm aware of that. I'm working on them.

Someone can tell me till they are blue in the face that those aren't real, that it isnt really that way, but life and past proves to me over and over and over again it is.

I can be told that I am loved and he understands me and I am exactly what he has looked for his entire life (and believe it) and then when his life goes sideways I'm out with last week's trash because I can't fix his life... points up there... because I was "too difficult" because I was too much... because I was only useful for one thing and when I can't be that one thing well.. im not worth the effort.

Momma spent a good portion of her night last night trying to help me accept that I could not heal these people, I could not fight their battles for them. That their lack of bravery their lack of leadership has hide nor hair to do with me. She then helped me to look at what healthy would have looked like. I found a lot of common threads in what she wrote, and something I wrote a year and a half ago. It led me to revisit my writing, which I'd like to share here. Though I have now edited it to reflect where I am in my walk now vs where I was then.



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One of the very first conversations I ever had with one of my ex Masters revolved around need. He said: "There surely is an awful lot of conversation in this lifestyle revolving around need. Isn't there. I sound needy as fuck, but the truth is, I need you. " Over the course of months the topic of need came up many times.

When we were first getting to know one another he came to know all about my life as it stands and the myriad issues inherent in any life. it took a while for Him to come to me one day and say: "You don't need me to fix all your problems... you aren't broken. Is that right?" I said yes. He had felt like he was drowning in a sea of my life in addition to his. But he had it right then... in my opinion my type online D/s (while we wait for life to start) revolves around the idea of wanting a witness in life.

For whatever reason we are missing some part of us. Our counterpart (adding thanks to another poster today... our compliment). The other side of the coin. That person who makes you happy to wake up every morning excited to talk to them, and sorry to fall asleep at night because you just have so much to say. Someone to tell about your joys and successes, your stresses and worries. It isn't that you need that P/person to FIX anything (but they certainly have permission to try!) more that you need someone to see you. This is a concept I got from my first Sir. The concept of being truly SEEN. Most people see through you, or see what they want to see... a reflection of themselves or their projected fears or desires. Very rarely do we stop to actually SEE and HEAR the person standing in front of us. I think that disparity is even more pronounced online. The fact that we can not actually touch the person on the other side, we only see what they allow us to be a part of... You can tell the kind of depth the person you are dealing with truly craves by how much of their life they allow you to truly see.



For me, I seek to be a witness to my Person's life, and they to mine. He is not separate and apart from me. He is a part of me. There is nothing that he is removed from. I have nothing to hide. Nothing to wall away. Likewise, I'm not satisfied being walled off from their life. I want to see and know it all: pills, bills, and everything in between. The kink is just icing on the cake. Yes, important necessary icing... but it is. The more my Person is aware of and involved in my life, the closer to them I feel.



This sometimes means that in knowing our daily struggles they feel compelled to help. This is true on both sides of the slash.

We talk so often about our physical needs... and this is certainly not a novel topic to address. We have seen it addressed in some form or another time and again.



How do we support our P/person?



I think it is equally hard for both sides of us to sit by and see our P/partner struggle. We talk about Dominants being in control and being responsible for helping improve the life of their submissive/slave (within the limits and boundaries of their domain) and how absolutely torturous it is for that Dominant to feel powerless to "fix" or protect them. I would like to point out that it is equally nerve wracking as a submissive to sit on your hands and watch your Dominant struggle, feeling inadequate and unable to HELP. Being of help is what makes me tick. Knowing I make their life better, easier, happier... I need that like I need air. This is my life fuel. This is what gives me wings.



I went through a TERRIBLE time with my Dominant a while back when he was facing major huge very real very big life issues. Every day I would ask "how can I help?" "What can I do?" He would throw up his hands in despair and said nothing. You cant do anything. Can you change x? Can you fix y? Can you make z go away? You cant do ANYTHING.

At that point in my journey it would feel like a stab wound to my heart every time. I felt completely inadequate. It drove a huge wedge between us, on both sides. He was overwhelmed with his own struggles and hearing about mine just felt like more and more water over his head, despite I was not asking him to fix them.... but when he heard them he WANTED to... it was a matter of his own sense of responsibility. The same was true for me, when I heard about his... I needed to make his life better... even if I couldnt fix them. I'd say "I'd stand on my head if it would help. I'll be your clown, your entertainment." I was grasping at straws... it is a terrible feeling to be a useless submissive. I'd venture it is worse than being unowned. If you are unowned at least you dont feel a constant sense of present failure.



https://scontent-atl3-1.cdninstagra...n.jpg?_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.cdninstagram.com



It took months and drastic measures for me to learn I was asking the wrong question and missing a key point.

The question I was asking was: "How can I help?" and his answer was accurate. I couldn't HELP.

The question I've learned to ask is: "How can I support You best?"

THAT is a question He can answer.

I can be a witness to his life.

I can listen. I can sit. I can be quiet (wait is serve too). I can talk WWE and Nascar, 1980s football, rugby, or archaic Russian literature, watch him play on Steam, listen to him theorize about anything that comes to mind, I can happily wait until he is ready to watch the next episode of WestWorld so that I can too. I can have patience when he doesn't want to talk. I can ask about things he has told me to show that what he said matters. I can always be willing to learn and PROVE IT with my actions. I can learn to improve my taste in music . I can share time and tell him how important his time is (without pressuring). I can love him the very best I can: actively, passively, out loud and in the quiet ways. I can respect his choices. I can remind him that he is in control by putting myself on my knees at his feet. I can hold him when he will allow. Most of all I can constantly tell him in every way that wherever he is at, whatever he can do...He is enough. He is wanted. He is cared about. He is a good: Daddy, Master, Sir, Beloved, Husband of my Heart (husband is a verb dangit!!!) I can be a good representation of his name in the world. I can be good FOR him. I can be the woman he is proud to own.

It is a fine line to dance, making Him know that He is enough and He is needed with no pressure. This takes finesse. Finesse I've clearly not found as of yet. :/



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I'm finally reminded of

Slave's Creed

by Sephani Paige



Allow me the fortitude to accept what He gives,

Grant me the strength to bear it with grace.



Allow me the foresight to know His needs.

Grant me the patience to surrender when I don't.



Allow me the quiet of service to Him

Grant me the passion that serves U/us both.



Allow me the peace to give myself completely to Him

Grant me His patience when I falter



Allow me the harshness that comes with His control

Grant me the tenderness which underlines O/our needs



Allow me the bonds that hold me at His feet

Grant me the ability to stand unbound beside Him.



Allow me the love to make His life complete

Allow me the dream of being for keeps.







https://www.***********.com/photos/2659073.jpg



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~



But here is the part I'm missing. So I have a favor to ask of the good Dominants of Lit (and submissives too)...

What should the other side of the coin look like. Help me. I know what MY side looks like. I live it and breathe it. I've not, however, been privy to actually receiving the other side in a healthy and supportive manner. So here is my question, and I'd ask your help, if you feel so led.



What should supporting YOUR person look like? When your life is not so awesome, and she is doing all ^that. When she is waiting quietly, and trying to support you to the best of her ability but at the same time her life is in really critical places (maybe in the middle of a big move, or a job transition... maybe she has a death in her family, or something traumatic happens...) what does supporting her look like to you? Does your responsibility end just because your life got complicated?



Please feel free to comment, blog, or message. It's a sincere question. I'm listening. What does healthy look like.



~The Velveteen slave; Littlebirdjoy

and a PSA from my Mommasaurus:
Okay the following safety message brought to you by cranky Dinosaur *picks previous meal out from between teeth with long claw*:

Regardless of what your primal brain might be screaming otherwise, the Sweet Girl really is looking for input and learning material...this isn't an open casting call of 'Tell Me How Awesome You'll Dom Me'.

Thank you,
The not hungry but always up for a meal anyway Mommasaurus.
~The Velveteen Slave​(sub female){protected} - ***cracks up*** I might or might not have fallen on the literal floor laughing. She is right. I swear it isnt, I'm literally really genuinely asking exactly what I said, nothing more nothing less. I don't play those games, really.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I had NO intention of posting this here, but it has gotten HUGE response, and was clearly something people needed to hear... so who know, maybe someone here needs to hear it as well.

.... is that acceptance? ​

A friend of mine today mentioned a conversation with a potential Dom and that she "feared the answer" to a question.

How many of us have been there before? Where you are really liking this person, maybe you have known them a week, or a month, or a year, or a decade... but there is this thing that came up and you need to talk to them about it. You know you do, but there is this internal sense of dread.... how will they respond? Will they still accept you? or will they shun this part of you?



Two years back, I had this moment of absolute panic over just such a thing. The Dom I was deeply in love with, but who had surreptitiously dumped me like last week's newspaper for a newer model (two in fact) .... had shown back up again in my inbox. In the months that I had had to stand myself back up and get over him I'd done a lot of growth. I was no longer the person he had left. I know I know... the fact that the *insert rude name of choice* man had done me wrong should have been an auto "Not today, Satan. Not today!" .... but my heart was just not over him. I'm GREAT at making excuses for people I love, and allowing them to be less than I deserve. I'm working on that.



At the moment he popped back up I was talking to Mr. Richard (whom I've mentioned before) and he asked me where my head and heart were. As I spilled my guts about not thinking that that road was completely walked I simultaneously lamented my fear of rejection. The last time I'd been with this man he refused to accept **all** of me. He only wanted **part** of me. As I was typing I had this moment of lightning... "Accepting part of me is the same thing as rejecting all of me.... the result is the same. I would never want to be with someone who rejected all of me, so how could I be with someone who accepts only part of me."

When I typed this Mr. Richard replied: "Grabs your shoulders hard and squeezes. Looks you in the eyes and spins you around swatting your beautiful backside on the way out. Go and finish walking this path however far it takes you and know you have been, are, and always will be Loved." .... God he was one hell of a good Man. Bless him wherever he is, I pray he has found happiness, because he deserves it.



The truth of that statement has stuck with me from that moment. It is HARD to face that truth sometimes, when you look at that person who is just SO GOOD in so many ways.... but for one reason or another you just can't quite meet in the middle. The temptation is to try and say "well, do i NEED to be that? Do I NEED to have this? ..." That is a separate conversation. At the very least, if the issue at hand is a true and sincere part of who you are, then who you are with should accept ALL OF YOU.

https://youtu.be/zrOd0SG0wAQ
https://youtu.be/iFOvOQ8xLv4
https://youtu.be/10YAcQXxFY8
https://youtu.be/IfGmj_NZ85M

~The Velveteen slave, LBJ

 

[Newmii]

I had NO intention of posting this here, but it has gotten HUGE response, and was clearly something people needed to hear... so who know, maybe someone here needs to hear it as well.

There is so much good here to respond to. Thank you for that.

I have had a very similar experience as a person just really starting down the path as a Dom. I reflect back on the three experiences that ultimately felt like what you described and I have to admit I have come to hate that feeling. That feeling of the unsaid but clearly known thing that makes the relationship really not work. Along the way you make excuses or see them for who you want or think you are the person you are not - but in my case it has always landed in the same kind of toxic place. You would think after three times I would learn my lesson but at the same time sometimes your heart and body carry you faster than your mind can keep up with. But maybe that is just me.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Newmii,
Thank you. I'm both sad that it resonated with you, but also am glad that it helped you to feel understood.

A dear friend of mine has spent the last month and a half working with me on an important concept. He told me to remember that we write people as we are not how they are. After all, we have inherently a different context to the person we are speaking with, no matter whether we are reading them, hearing them, or living with them. No two people have the same context. We look at every action, word, expression through the necessary lens of our own experiences, past, and emotions. We always have a colored perspective and it is very hard to not write "scripts" around what we experience.

Think of it exactly like an actor who is handed a script to act. The actor fills in the scenario and emotions of those other characters. None of it is real, but to the audience it is very vivid. Does the audience internalize the same thing the actor is conveying? Doubtful. ... so it is with interactions with others.

This is not a novel concept, but it was a novel turn of looking at it. "We do not see thingsas they are but as we are" ~ Anais Nin.

a cynical person will see others with hidden agendas. A cheater will be jealous. a liar will see subterfuge. An innocent will FAIL to see those things. Each of those is a fallacy.

The key is finding out who you are, and then being on the lookout for it when you do it. What THING were you afraid to see that had you jumping at paper tigers? or conversely what did you HUNGER for, ache for that you willed into existence?

What script are you writing?

~With sincere hope for your jouyney.
Faith (The Velveteen slave/littlebirdjoy)

 

[littlebirdjoy]

What's in a Name?​

I know this post has been done time and time and time and time and time again even by myself twice in the past. However, it never ceases to be relevant. I'm going to begin by inviting anyone with relevant perspectives to contribute respectfully.

First and foremost, we all have the innate inalienable right to exist in this lifestyle however we chose to identify or understand our identity. Fact. One of the most beautiful things about this community is our inclusiveness. We acknowledge that where we are today may not and indeed should not be where we are in a month, a year, a decade from now. Our own identities as self, and within context to others is constantly shifting as we do that "deep navel gazing".

My own identification and understanding of self has drastically changed in the course of the last oh... five years or so.

~Five years ago if you asked me I'd have told you i was a service submissive leaning towards lifestyle. That would have been the extent of it.

~Three years ago I would have told you I was a lifestyle submissive leaning towards TPE with some emotional masochistic tendencies.

~Two years ago I'd have told you I was a lifestyle service submissive, a Middle with no regressive concepts, and still have emotional masochistic tendencies.

~A year and a half ago I'd have told you I was a lifestyle submissive* , a little/middle (mittle/Liddle) with little space but hard to get there, and an emotional masochist.

~A year ago I'd have told you I'm a slave hearted submissive, who in a relationship deeply desires to be in an M/s relationship, I'm a Mittle, and an emotional masochist.

soooooooooooooooooooo... yes, there has been an evolution of self understanding. Do i purport to think that I know all there is to know about me, and this will never change? Nope! I expect someday someone will shock the hell out of me and open a door that was hidden behind a curtain in myself.

But that is only one part of the picture. Someone important to me tends to hone on on the concept that it is incredibly important to ask: "But what does that mean?" The definitions behind these things are incredibly clear TO ME because I've done the work behind them in relation, again, TO ME. But that does not mean that there is a universally accepted handbook that you behind your screen can look at and look up and say "Ah! I understand." These definitions and definitions are deeply personal, and unique to each person to whom they apply.

On occasion I will run into someone who has been in and around the lifestyle for insert very long time and we will end up in a deep conversation where it comes up that their definitions most certainly do not match mine! It has happened 4 times in the last year with people who I care deeply about, and also with people who just flit in and flit back out. Still, the fact that these people have a vastly different perception of the words by which I identify myself is somewhat unnerving. Very early on a Lady who is near and dear to me took pretty serious issue with my identification as slave. I know it came out of a mix of different places. She was concerned for me. She also didn't feel like the term was a real applicable term. We ended up in a deep deep deep debate over it lasting DAYSSSS and at the time I don't think we ever did come to consensus. She accepted my right to self identify. I accepted her right to reject that definition in her own mind. We accepted to love and respect each other regardless.

Last night I had another brief conversation with someone familiar with the lifestyle who seemed to be of some very (to me) sad and deeply hurtful and destructive perceptions of what a slave is. He was not attacking me, his words were absolutely said in an attempt to "uplift" and reassure me of my value. I know his heart was in the right place, but when someone tells you in so many words that to identify as you do (and are pleased and comfortable doing) that you are disgracing yourself it is not a pleasant experience.

At one point last year I even ended up having to defend these definitions to someone who I should NEVER have been in a position to have to defend or explain myself to. I chose in that moment to see it as an opportunity rather than an attack. I still do.

I'd like to address what these definitions mean to me. I do not claim that they will define, describe, or apply to any other person living or dead, or yet to walk the earth but me, myself, and I. This is not an exercise in self defense, but rather an attempt to share this part of myself that it might help others who may have a different mental picture to broaden their understanding. I pray you receive it as such.

ALL DEFINITIONS ARE IN RELATION TO M/s, not past historical context. Thank you.

Some misconceptions that have been voiced to me at one time or another:

A slave is someone who wishes to be treated as less than human.
A slave is someone who has no personal boundaries.
A slave has no right to limits.
A slave is someone who has no mind of their own.
A slave is someone who is incapable.
A slave has no self worth or self esteem.
A slave is a term that cant apply to you as it isnt legally enforceable so you are just pretending
A slave wishes to be mistreated and abused
A slave needs to be broken
You cant be a slave you are too insert positive quality
A slave is better/worse than a submissive of any other stripe or definition

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

deep breath Faith

I can't possibly address all of those adequately without writing a novel. However, I did, once upon a time write the following letter which I hope might help you understand how very untrue those statements are.

the following has been edited a bit from its original form to remove context and personal details in order to fit this purpose. (why not just rewrite it? Because it was perfect when written. Nothing I could write right now would carry the same depth of emotion as the part of me necessary to do so is put firmly on a shelf for now.) the relationship that this relates to is now, sadly, past tense. I wish it were not so, but it was not my choice. I wish him happiness...

The other day when we hit a bit of a wall in our conversation. You finally had the reason to say something that has apparently been bothering you for a while. You are uncomfortable with the titles that I call him, and you wonder what he must call me. At first, this made me angry. Not with you, just angry. It took me time to put words to why. I have spent a lot of my life living in shame and judgment, hiding parts of who I am because they arent socially accepted or accepted by my family. Owning who I am has been a long and slow process with many fits and starts. It all came to a rather abrupt head this past summer when I took the bold step to come out to my mother as a submissive as well as to my son. I expected it to go terribly, but it did not. I read one of my posts aloud to my mother in which I explained some of the root of my negative and destructive past decisions and how D/s helps me.

I’m used to and braced for the rest of society looking at me askance when they know anything about me as a submissive. It no longer phases me. I remember the day I was at work a solid year before I ever met Him and my friend sat beside me at work all wide eyed and horrified and said “do you know there are girls on youtube who call their boyfriend DADDY?!” I suppressed a laugh just barely and listened to her go on about it and then I popped out and said, “I have a Daddy.” “YOU DO NOT!” “I do. We have been together a 3 months now, and he is really sweet. Do you want to meet him?” Over the next two hours my ex and my friend texted on my phone he and i trying to make her understand what a DDlg dynamic is really about.

I was not prepared for it from someone that I know is or was actively involved in the lifestyle… I know you exist on fetlife and I know you have some experience with things, so to have it come from that direction took me aback. Again… it wasnt you… it just hurt me. It made me feel judged. DO NOT SAY YOU SHOULDNT HAVE SAID ANYTHING! You SHOULD. If we cant address these things then they will never ever get better! I’m GLAD you did, because then I can try to address it.

Last night Daddy gave me a little hint that most of it is that you are afraid somewhere in there that he is hurting me. That he is debasing me or degrading me. I didnt at first know even how to wrap my head around it around how to address that until this morning. I was working my way through my exercise playlist and thinking… and it came to me. The following is a result:

In reality your expression of discomfort was not a judgment on me or on him, but a statement of your own discomfort at not being able to understand what we have. It was an acknowledgement of discomfort at being unable to identify with these titles enough to even understand where they are coming from. Instead of feeling angry about it, or hurt… rather i need to try to help you understand what these names mean to me.

Last evening my Master gave me the key to seeing this: he said that you personally would feel degraded by these names. That the things we do, if you were to do them, you would need to be broken first… and he will not do that. That is not the man he is. Even if you are willing and in a way, maybe even wanting that… but he prefers submission and all that it entails to be uplifting and wanted. He does not want to break someone into submission… a brute can do that. He is no brute. Any meathead with enough brawn can bend and break someone, shackle them and force them into servitude. This is not submission. It takes a man worthy of respect. A man worthy of admiration, trust, and honor to INSPIRE submission. He does not want someone to kneel because they are forced or feel tied… he wants his submissive to kneel because they truly acknowledge that through doing so, by giving him the reigns of your life, he can lead you to greater heights than you could possibly rise on your own. It is only in really understanding this that you truly submit your will. How can I fight what he asks me to do, whatever that thing is, when i already acknowledge that he has me better, he leads me better than I can lead myself. There is nothing bent or broken about my submission. There is nothing degrading in kneeling to this man. Were i to kneel to some jackass with a god complex who just likes to use me for his own personal porn… YEP that right there would be degrading to me. I am not. I do not.

https://cache.lovethispic.com/uploa...dle-Doesn-t-Make-Yours-Shine-Any-Brighter.jpg

So. Names. Titles. How can you explain them to someone who doesn’t understand them and feels like giving them to someone else by necessity degrades you… like acknowledging someone else’s position of power means that it takes away from your own.

When i call him Master and he calls me “my slave” I do not feel shackled or chained. I do not feel denigrated or dismissed. It is the greatest acknowledgement of my place in his heart and life. I know this similitude has the potential to draw huge ire from people… but it is what came to my mind this morning which prompted me to write. When you told me that you felt uncomfortable when i call him “Daddy, Master, or my Lord” and asked with assumed concern “it makes me wonder what he must call you!” I felt angry. I felt judged. The unwritten message there was whatever he calls me must be horrible. Over the last couple of days we have discussed the concept that we dont like to be hidden. We have spent most of our lives hiding who we are. No, we are not most people. The concept of being hidden brought to mind the imagery of being in the closet, which is a term we all know usually refers to someone who was uncomfortable with unconventional sexual orientation and being forced to hide this. A little under two decades ago being called “gay” was a huge slam, or any derivation thereof. Them were fighting words! Society in most of the West has thankfully changed and it is not at all a slam. It is an acknowledgement of the individual’s right to identify themselves and their own sexual preferences. If someone used “gay” as a slam now, they would pretty much be socially eviscerated. Yet you are basically telling me the same thing. That it should be horrifying to you or even make you uncomfortable for me to identify myself. I AM a slave. This is who I am. I am his slut. This is who i am. I AM his babygirl. This is who i am. None of these things shame me! None of these things make me feel less. To ask me to be ashamed of them, to feel the need to hide them… this concept is what tries to put shame on me where there is none.

I understand that YOU are not a slave. YOU are not a slut. YOU are not a babygirl. To be called any of these things would humiliate YOU because you are not these. That would be putting a box around you or a shackle around you. For me… to have my Master acknowledge me as his slave is the greatest acknowledgement of my real true soul. It does not shackle me, it gives me wings. It is the time i feel the MOST seen and loved. He is not only acknowledging who i am in that moment, and acknowledging who he is… but he is acknowledging who i am to him and that I am his. Because of the respect and admiration i have for the man he is, this is a huge compliment to me. We both know he will never settle. We both know he is different from the VAST majority of men. To be considered worthy of him, and he called his could NEVER be a derision. When I am called “my slave” I feel seen, loved, held, desired, accepted, safe.

I am his slut. I know part of you just screamed and stamped your foot and shouted how can THAT not be derogatory? To be a slut, to me, means that I have no sexual inhibitions. I’m not bound by shame. It means that I abandon all of the guilt and shame that had been put on me by others and give completely and entirely of myself to the man that I chose. It means that I do not hide my sexual needs or wants behind a veil of false “morality”. I am not a slut… meaning that I do not chose to wantonly express my sexual desires towards anyone and everyone I so chose at any given moment in any given situation. Though I respect the right of people who chose to be a slut. I am HIS slut. To everyone else and in every other situation I am very much a lady. If you saw me in public at any given event I have impeccable manners. I’m very capable of holding my own in any social event, whatever level of social stratus that might be involved. What happens behind closed doors between the man who holds my life in his hands and me, that is completely separate and apart from any restrictions or judgments of society. That is what makes me his slut. When that door closes and no one else is around, I do not stop for a millisecond to think “oh what would they think if they knew.?!” Gosh… probably they would be jealous as fuck that I’m not scared to be uninhibited.

When i am called “my slut” I feel wanted, lusted after, desired, accepted, kept. I feel sexy as hell. I feel liberated.

I am his babygirl. This is not an oppression. It is not taking away my maturity. It is not infantilizing me. When I am his babygirl he is acknowledging the innocent and gentle parts of my soul that survived all the trauma of life. You have been through so much. I do not know most of it… but I know you are an incredibly strong woman. I respect you so very much. We all have different ways of coping with the blows dealt to us by life. I sealed part of myself away and kept it completely hidden and safe. Another part of me I built huge walls around and gave her cannons and morters and made her defy anyone to fucking try and force her to break and go away. I am a middle who is incredibly tough and strong and refuses to go quietly into that good night. She refuses to die and grow up. She is the part of me that defies anyone to force me to do any damn thing that is expected of me. She is strong. I also have another part of me which had to go away too soon to protect her. She is very sensitive and playful and all kinds of things… and only he gets to see those. He is the only one who has ever gotten to see those. When he calls me babygirl he immediately reaches under all of those walls and mortars and he touches the softest part of my soul. When he calls me babygirl or little girl i feel disarmed. I feel calm. I feel protected. I feel held. I feel safe. I feel home.

I have other names as well, but those are between us and completely and entirely private. Just like these three… how they affect me have nothing to do with how society views them, or how they would make you feel if they were applied to you. Do not be afraid that he is degrading me. He is not. Do not be afraid that he is harming me. He is not. Do not be feel second hand shame or embarrassment because truly… there is none to be had!

No one expects you to be other than you truly are.I can not be anything other than what I truly am either.

So yes… I am my Master’s slave. I am my Lord’s little dirty slut. I am my Daddy’s babygirl and sweet pea. To take away these names would be to debase me. All of these make me feel incredibly positive things… so too should the names he give you, and all of their depth of meaning.

https://youtu.be/2FtFwAaCjrM
https://youtu.be/RzM56PzKITA
https://youtu.be/x8d05ZGzwsM
https://youtu.be/Cr2OFgPaIQo

~The Velveteen slave; Faith

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Discovering Sexuality ​

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**disclaimer: this is a repost of my own writing from three years back, but a certain Dominant I respect posted a related question as part of a thirty day challenge a few weeks back. I hemmed and hawed over reporting this, and decided that yes... I should. At the time it was posted it sparked a lot of conversation, and helped quite a few people. I hope it will do the same.



Deep breath *faith* ... ok. This is a part of myself that I have NEVER shared openly. I've rarely even discussed it openly with the dominants in my life over the years, because it just hasn't been something they needed or wanted to understand. I believe that it is a part of our community discussion that has been lacking. I've certainly seen the inverse discussed and accepted though.



I beat around the bush when I'm nervous. I'm very nervous.



Hi. My name is faith. Y'all have seen me around, seen me post. By now you should know: I'm kind, I'm slightly hyper, I'm really friendly, I'm introverted but accepting, I'm knowledgeable, I'm helpful, I'm honest, I'm a mom, I'm a woman of faith, I'm a mittle (Middle + Little= mittle/liddle) and a slave hearted submissive.... but I'm also asexual.



I just watched some people's brains melt or explode if they ever bothered to go find my previous blog hosted elsewhere in which I openly detailed the playtime with my Master (at His request). Well... it's true. I'm asexual and have identified as such for the better part of the last decade.



I see the wheels turning in some people's heads: "can someone BE kinky as fuck and be asexual??? How does that even work? But don't asexuals hate sex? How can you be a submissive and be asexual? WHAT THE HELL?" ^__^



Okay okay... let's start at the beginning. What IS an asexual actually? It is a spectrum like so many other things in life. A straight out asexual in the strictest terms is someone who does not experience sexual attraction.

This means I have never looked at another human being and had the thought "OMG HE/SHE IS HOT!" or "Wow! I'd like to *insert X sexual activity here* with him/her."



**image here**



I can not begin to describe to you what being a teenager was like for me! I should state that I'm also a rape survivor so sexuality was complicated for me. I was around all these girls who were going on and on about how whichever boy was HOT and attractive etc and i just... It was like I was blind and they were describing color... I couldn't understand. I was looking at the same thing... but all I saw was grey. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Guys! I love sex! (more brains just imploded. wait. I'll get there.) but I just ... I don't work like most of you do.



So I said it is a spectrum right?

Some people are asexual to the extent that the mere thought of someone touching them or having sex is damn near torture and illness inducing, sickening. On the other end of the spectrum where you are TOTALLY CHILL with having sex with your partner and even love sex with them. asexual has nothing to do with inability to feel or experience sexual pleasure. I even have moments when I WANT sex.



https://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/2013_05_SexualRomanticSpectrumWIDE.png



I fall in a place in the spectrum called grey asexual romantic sensualist. Let me break it down:

grey = I can enjoy sex

asexual = I don't experience sexual attraction

romantic= I like and want relationships.

sensualist = I need and crave touching in the form of hugging, kissing, cuddling



In this lifestyle, we have probably all seen and understood the fetish of enforced chastity. We do understand the submissive mindset of the allure of controlled orgasms whether the Dominant wishes to force the submissive through orgasm after orgasm ... or denial, the Dominant who wishes the submissive to abstain from personal physical release whether the Dominant is given the pleasure of their own orgasm or not. We understand that submitting the sexual pleasure and release of the submissive into the control of the Dominant is an act of devotion. However, the understood is usually that the submissive WANTS or NEEDS that release.



Well, I'm here to explain that there is a flip side to that coin. As an asexual i ALSO submit my sexuality and my release to my Dominant partner... but the baseline assumption is different. The submission and surrender is no less, just different.



I'm still a submissive... heck I believe this actually AIDS in my submission... it is a huge part of who I am as a sexual being. I kinda dont do vanilla sex for this reason. The ONLY way I feel sexual desire and sexual need is when it is my Partner's desire that I'm focused on. Can I get turned on? WILDLY!!! But I get turned on knowing that that person wants me to provide them that. That they want me and desire me and need me. It is the Dominance of my partner and the relationship ... the submission ***itself*** that turns me on! Does that mean that I'm in love with the control? Does that mean that my Partner is ... ancillary? HELLS TO THE NO! (but you bet I had to test that theory!)

It's all wrapped up in a complicated bundle, the specific intricacies of it belong between the person I give myself to and me. Suffice to say, i'm more specific in who I submit to and it takes me a loooonnnngggggg time to give that part of myself, because once I do they have an all access pass.





Why was it important for me to talk about it here?

I think that it is a completely logical thing for people who aren't familiar to never think about, or make incorrect assumptions about. it took a friend of mine coming out as asexual to me, then me asking questions of her to have the light bulb go on for me and FINALLY find a way to explain and understand myself. I never know if this post might do that for someone else!

For me, in high school I was a bit of a cock tease. I didn't mean to be... I was trying to figure me out! All these girls were talking about attraction... and I couldn't FEEL it! I felt ROMANTIC attraction (often confused for sexual attraction at that age) I felt SENSUAL need and desire, I felt the pull of my own libido! (yes, asexuals can absolutely have libido or they may not... both are on the spectrum!) ... but i never felt ATTRACTION! I kept hearing people talk about this mystical magical **spark!** about "chemistry" about "fireworks" and because i never felt any of these things I thought that my relationships were or must be lacking! I mean they were fulfilling to ME... but in my youth I kept looking to find what it was these people were talking about. I also felt a bit like a slut because I felt similarly for ALL of my male friends. EEK! What was wrong with me??!!

I then decided to give up on "spark" "chemistry" "fireworks" "passion" and acknowledge that my relationship was FULFILLING ... but then i had to isolate myself from other male friends because I felt similarly for them, so wasn't I a cheater? at least emotionally? ugh. It was a hard time in my life.



Well, a marriage and a divorce later when that friend came out to me and talked about asexuality and I finally UNDERSTOOD.



It wasn't until today, in deciding to write this post that I truly addressed to myself how my own sexuality is part and parcel of my submission. That that is PART of my submission, that in laying my sexuality at the feet of my Dominant is every bit as much a gift as the one who accepts to be held in chastity is, or the sexual one who allows their Dominant to grant or withhold their orgasm... I lay my own sexuality at His feet all the same. He holds every bit as much sway over me as those other submissives and slaves, it just took Him a different approach to be able to hold my leash.



A very energetic explanation by HeyoDamo: https://youtu.be/5gLNt_CEHUM
<< @ 3:10 I laugh so hard I cry every time. He is awesome. @4:35 is me.
A very chill version by the amazing Morgan Thorne

https://youtu.be/IqTWy2aFQTA
and two by one of my favorite people ever: Evie Lupine who dun dun dun also identifies as asexual.
https://youtu.be/CzzKEr2oNUo
https://youtu.be/tasxp-ph9fQ

So.. Hi... my name is Faith. I'm asexual, and I'm a submissive too, and there is nothing wrong with me thank you very much.





Whoever you are whatever you are whatever you do

You're the #1 U

there's no one who can be you better better than you!

keep it strong, keep it calm, be confident

gotta own who you are, gotta run with it!

when you own what you know you can run with it

cause there's no one who can be you better better than you

oooh ooh ooh ooh ohh you're the #1 U!



Nothin wrong with this picture!

Who you see in the mirror

better believe that it's true!

There's no one who can be you better better than u!





resources:

https://young.scot/information/identity/all-about-asexuality/

https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html

https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/72-the-gray-area-sex-and-related-discussions/

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Gray-A/Grey-A << love it! It saved me!



For those who love to read and learn more of the theory behind things:

https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/MappingYourSexuality.pdf Rewriting the Rules: a guide to SCT mapping and Sari van Anders by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker



https://library.oapen.org/bitstream/id/ae9d2358-b758-4019-b05a-d34993e48c82/1005725.pdf Asexual Erotics by Ela Przyblo

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I thought long and hard about what to share today... and I'd like to share something that is dearly important to me. I had nothing to do with this writing, it was written by Lord Colm of castlerealm. It was, and is, however, the single most important piece of writing I've ever come across **for me**.

To the extent, anyone who speaks with me on a personal basis... I've sent this to them within the first few conversations.

I hope it will impact you as it did and does me.

The Shoebox; A Master's Gift​

by Lord Colm and jade

Sitting on the floor near the couch rests a shoe box. It's plain, a bit out of place where it is, and shows signs of frequent handling. Looking at it brings back memories of two days filled with confusion and tears to the two people seated in the living room.

Those two days were long ones, 48 hours that seemed like an eternity. It began over a simple event, now that we have hindsight, but its effect, at the time, was devastating. A simple misunderstanding, feelings that were hidden, thoughts that weren't shared, and walls that went up quickly to shield a wounded heart. Recovering from those two days took time--lots of it--but once the healing had taken place, the shoe box made its appearance.

"Pet, we cannot have a thing like this happen again. Do you understand?" Master said with a weary edge in His voice.

"Yes, Master, I understand," I answered as I lowered my eyes, knowing full well I had upset Him terribly and was going to be punished.

"Come here. Take your place here at my feet," He said. I moved quickly and did as I was told, bracing myself for what was to follow. I'd never angered Him before and I was still regretting the icy silence that I'd fallen into for those two days. It was a terrible time and I'd never felt so alone and and unable to do anything to make it better. It would almost be a relief to be punished so some of the guilt I was feeling would be lifted.

"Do you know what this has been like for me, pet? Can you understand the frustration I felt not knowing what was wrong or what I could do to help you? As your Master I must do something to teach you that this is unacceptable behavior and could seriously damage our relationship," He said with a surprisingly gentle tone to His voice.

"Yes, Master," I replied, still unable to look up into His eyes and see that disappointment in them again. As I stared at His feet, I heard sounds as He shifted His body in His chair. "Here it comes," I thought, as my mind flashed images of the many tools Master owned that could be used to deliver the punishment that was coming. My body braced as I felt His hand touch my shoulder.

"Look up, pet. I have something for you and I want to explain how we will use it to prevent a reoccurrence of your unwillingness to communicate with me," said Master. My heart nearly stopped and I dreaded to look up and see what was waiting.

Slowly I raised my eyes and saw the shoe box resting on His knees. "A shoe box?" I thought, knowing I wasn't about to be given a present for the things I'd done. As His hand pushed the box toward me, I looked up and saw Him indicate with His eyes that I was to take it. My hands were trembling as I picked it up and noticed that it was nearly weightless. My mind was racing, searching for some rational reason that He'd given me this box.

"Go ahead and examine it, pet. You'll find it's empty," He said and watched me carefully as I removed the cardboard lid and looked inside. "This box reminds me of the way I felt for two days...empty," His voice said in a firm tone. He reached for a pen and small piece of paper and wrote as I knelt there and observed His every move, still wondering when my punishment was going to be handed out. He finished writing, laid the pen aside, folded the paper and handed it to me. "Pet, read this paper, memorize it, and then put it into the shoe box," Master spoke in His deep voice.

I unfolded the paper carefully and read the words that He'd written there. 'I will not keep things from my Master. Doing so builds walls between us.'After I'd read it a few times, I refolded it, put it into the box and looked up at Him.

"Do you understand those words, pet," He asked as I nodded my head. "Then put the lid on the shoe box and give it to me," He said. When He'd taken the box, He set it on the floor near the couch and continued. "This box will remain here where you can see it, so when you need to refresh your memory you will open it and read that piece of paper again. From time to time we may need to add a piece of paper to help you with a new problem we'll face. Now stop looking so apprehensive. It's over."

As tears flowed down my cheeks I asked, "Master, are You not going to punish me for what I've done? I'm so very sorry I hurt and disappointed You, Master."

"No, pet, I'm not going to punish you further. You've done enough of that already," He said in the most tender voice. "My job is not to punish you, but to teach you how to do what I wish, what I feel is best for both of us. I've given you a tool to overcome the things that are hindering you and I do expect you to use it. Should this same thing happen again I may have to use another method." This time His voice was sterner and I understood the meaning behind them completely.

Over time, the shoe box has collected a few more pieces of paper that have words that I've now written in my heart as well. Each hurdle we've faced and later overcome has added to the contents of the box. Every strip of paper taught so much more than a stripe on my flesh. They remain to teach again and again those lessons and I'll always treasure the shoe box gift from a true master, my Master.

Copyright©1997 by Lord Colm and jade
All rights are reserved by the authors.