Lessons Learned

[littlebirdjoy]

The Right/Wrong Time​

Today it felt like nothing was going right, nothing was going easily. Everything that should have taken 5 minutes took an hour. The day would NOT end. NOTHING was working. I stopped at one point to breathe and intentionally let go of my frustration and instead focus on the breath I was able to take outside. I was alone alone for the first time in three months, and I was outside. That was a blessing. Then, in the end of it all I ended up in the exact right/wrong place at the exact right/wrong time; and it all became clear.

Today was a horrible day. One I will never forget as long as I live. However it was also a day to surrender to the Universe, God, what have you, and accept. I was present for someone else's personal tragedy in a very real way, and that is both terribly sad, and also deeply humbling. I was put at the exact place at an exact moment to be witness and comfort, where, if I had been 2 minutes earlier, or 2 minutes later; much less the hours I should have passed would have been no where in sight.
It was sobering to get back in the car and feel absolute certainty that as horrible as it was, I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It was not the right place at the right time in a GOOD sense, it was awful... but by the same token, it was the right place and the right time to be of what little support and comfort could be offered.

I know I've not explained, and I will not be. Instead I'd like to ask, if you can, find one person you think might want to hear "i love you, you are important to me" ... please take a moment and say it.

I hope someone is there for me at my right/wrong moment at the right/wrong time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmmGe5-n-qQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yj4nsZ3o1ag
https://youtu.be/qJEP5sWuDi8

~The Velveteen slave, Faith

 

[littlebirdjoy]

tamed to Tamer​

This is a follow up piece to:
Lessons Lessons Everywhere; Le Petit Prince ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*

" 'People ignore this simple truth,’ said the fox. ‘But you must not. You are forever responsible for those you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose.’‘I am responsible for my rose …’ the little prince repeated, so that he would remember.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When i originally pointed out the lesson in Le Petit Prince to Master Arach, he said that yes, it was a very good lesson. However, he asked me to please follow up with "what responsibility does the tamed have to the Tamer?" He asked me to spend time on thinking about my answer instead of replying surreptitiously.*
I have taken over a month to get to the place where I feel I can offer a solid thought out, thoughtful answer with no trappings of ego.*(and I'm terribly glad for the question. Thank you.)

What is the responsibility of the tamed to the Tamer?​

~to listen with open ears, open heart, and open mind with the sincere intention of understanding.*
Why? Because the Tamer isnt there to fight the tamed, but to battle the world and all of the crud in it along side. to help, and guide the tamed, but not to battle them for them. It is wasted energy.

*~to allow them self to be led.*
Why? Goes hand in hand with the above. As tamed you have already admitted and acknowledged that the Tamer is qualified and capable of leading. To fight them past that point is counter productive and calls into question those base facts.

*~to not engage in intentional baiting or creating strife and hardship where it does not exist.*
Why? it is counter productive and damages the trust. The Tamer has put and continues to put significant energy into the relationship, it is a disrespect of that. It shows you do not value their time and energy, and you are not truly giving up of yourself.*

~to be open, honest, and TRANSPARENT in all areas that are agreed upon or inquired of. Furthermore to volunteer pertinent information without holding back.*
Why? Because the Tamer can not make good, sane, solid, rational, and useful decisions on half information. It is endangering the well being of both.It should also not be pulling hens' teeth.*

~to never take back what has been previously given.*(unilaterally)
Why? It is a violation of consent. Once some area of your self or situation have been relinquished to wrest control of this area again is to repudiate the Tamer and their ability. (see see i learned the word *wink and rose*)

~to hold the Tamer to high standard and accountability.*
Why? just as the Tamer should seek to only tame those S/He feels worthy of their control and able to benefit sincerely from it... someone who is worthy and they would feel proud to be a representative of them in the world.. to cease to hold the Tamer in high esteem would be to devalue themselves, their reputation, and the Other.*

~to speak their needs and wants always, but appropriately.*
Why? This goes with transparency, but it can get lost along the way sometimes.*

~to never cease to be intentional and cognizant of their actions, attitudes, and manner.*
Why? Because to do otherwise is to disrespect the time and effort of the Tamer, it takes them for granted, and the effort they put in.*

~to above all remember that they are responsible TO the relationship
and to allow the Tamer to be responsible FOR the relationship
and take the actions required to SHOW this comprehension *always*.*
Why? because to do otherwise is to negate the entire thing. Le fin.*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkiZuu79N_I
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaI3wkZ3lIk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHuEhpgbgnY

~The Velveteen slave, Faith (littlebirdjoy)

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Earn Me: The GauntletMe, silent? NEVER!*Well... except on one specific topic. Yes, I'm long winded and I read like an open book in many ways. I will talk about the psychology of submission, life experiences, comparative religion, and a billion other things for hours on end. However, never will you find me detailing kinks and fantasies.*I know the gauntlet has been thrown, and there are plenty willing to take it up, and I am SO thrilled that they feel inspired; I for one won't be.*Why? It's just a story after all!*Am I afraid of being judged? Afraid I can't write well? Afraid to let someone see that side of me?*Heck no. Nope!Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.*No.*The reason is actually because it is a part of me that I don't give away for free. You have to pay the price of admission, and no one here has DONE that.*I broke my rule the other day to discuss the fact that I'm asexual and what that means (Cliffsnotes for those who havent read; an asexual is NOT someone who doesn't like, want, or have sex. It has nothing to do with libido. It has to do with attraction.) I broke my rule because nothing i wrote about would *in all logic* have caused them to become aroused. There was nothing boom chicka bow wow in it. It was science and information.*I do not judge others for wanting to have fun getting each other off, or letting someone inside their mind; but to me it is farrrrr too intimate an affair. At 36 years old and having been a lifestyle submissive for just about half of my life there ain't a whole lot on my list of *never been there never done that*... so I don't really need external validation telling me my interests and kinks are normal and fine. Some are mainstream, some are pretty tame, and others well.... I'm pretty sure I could give you a run for your money. However, just because I CAN doesnt mean i should. It is entirely personal, but for me... knowing those parts of me is giving you (general wave of hand) access to a part of my mind that is locked away and earmarked for those who have done the effort to deserve the key.*Due to this it also means that I also don't READ the erotica of people I know. If it is in an anonymous format by some username I do not know and have no interest or intent in ever contacting, I've been known to indulge in reading some grade A quality smut. Some series I've read multiple times over! But like i don't believe in giving the key to my sexy AF mind over to the general populace I reeeeeaaaalllyyyyy don't need a window inside the bedroom of my dear friends. <3 Not unless we are involved in a previously negotiated scene involving that, then hell yeah, count me in! But for now, I'd just as soon know your thinking mind, your feeling heart, and leave you to your own naughty desires <3 So if you are a dear friend of mine and I normally make sure to interact with every post in some way just to say: "I see you", please understand that I'm going to bow out of this one and support you quietly from the sidelines.*"It was the intimacy, a spiritual suppleness, when mind prints upon mind indelibly. "~ Virginia Woolfhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_my0uOSRTA"I am not a toy you can pick up when you are bored or lonely or horny. I am NOT the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me... EARN ME."https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UnKlP8E3CU"I have told you again and again that I would give it all up for you, aqnd you know what? I think you believe that I will never choose you. So this time I'm fixing things. We are going to sit here for the next... 21 minutes and let the clock run out. ... sit with me and watch me earn you."**disclaimer: I've never SEEN the show, so this is not used to reference anything other than exactly what is depicted. You want me? earn me.*A VERY wise woman pointed out that "I desire you =/= I value you." I'm late to that so painfully obvious truth. So I'm not giving out free tickets. I don't want you to desire me, I want you to VALUE me; then you have an all access pass.~The Velveteen slave; Faith

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Who was Daddy anyway? ​

Father's day today is a bitter pill for me. Today I pass the day without: my husband to whom i was married for 11 years, the father of my child...my Dad who died a few months back... and my Daddy who walked away from me 40 days ago. I wish I could say that like Noah, after 40 days and nights I saw a rainbow, but in my case the rain still continues.*Today I miss the ever living hell out of every single man who was important in my life. For all of the good they brought into my life, and for the massive heaping helpings of hurt that their leaving has brought.*My Dad was not my father. My father doesnt get a mention in this blog. My DAD was the man who used to drive every other weekend 2 hours to come pick me up at the halfway point and take me to his house to play. He used to let me run through the woods behind the house and never yelled at me over scraped knees and dirty clothes. He was the man who bought me my first pocket knife and sat with me for hours and hours until i could prove i knew the rules to safely using it before he let me touch it without him sitting there. He bought me most of my Christmas and birthday presents, and even put my mom's name on some. He picked me up from bible summer camp in the 3rd grade.He put me into soccer camp in the 4th, because it was much more my style. Who bought me a guitar and taught me to play it for Christmas when I was in the 7th grade. He never missed a play, a concert, or an event and most times he was the designated photographer. He took me to work for "bring your daughter to work day" even if it meant driving all 4 hours to get me. He took me to college and helped set up my dorm room. He held my hand as I was put to sleep for surgery. He stood with me at my wedding (kinda) even though he made sure to whisper to me first that i didnt HAVE to do this. He would put me in the car and take me away **right then** if i wanted. He took me for icecream and asked me if moving halfway across the world would really honestly make me happy... and told me he would take care of my mom when I said it would. He say beside me last summer and met the man I have loved more than any other, and for the first time gave me his blessing. He told me that finally, finally i had found a man who was truly worthy of the title "Man", and might just be worthy of me. My Dad used to love football, poker, and my Aunt above all else. My Dad used to have the most wonderful laugh, and a beard that always tickled when he hugged me. My Dad used to get super annoyed with us when* we were too busy laughing and chatting to keep the poker game going. I miss you more than I can let myself feel. I can not imagine going home and not seeing you anymore.*I'm sorry for the stupid things I did. I'm sorry for the ill advised decisions I made. Thank you for letting me make them anyway. Thank you for being my Dad.*

I didnt get enough time with you, Daddy. Sure, Forever would never have been long enough. Still. You are the first person (and only) who ever opened that door for me. Neither of us expected it, but both of us were glad we found it. You could always look right through me, you understood me in a way no one else in my life ever has. You could explain me to me. You were present in ways I had never been given before. You never made me feel like a burden, or that i was "too much". You made me feel actively loved, wanted, needed, desired, and special. You helped me to grow and grow up in ways I never could have imagined. You gave me a vision of a life I never could have dreamed of or hoped for. When you let me sleep on your knee, everything else just went away. I will never ever stop needing you. I will never stop hoping that you will find your way back to me. Your babygirl and our babygirl need you. I miss you every minute of every day. You are the man of my heart, and the man whose name is written all over my soul. I know I'm a pain in the ass sometimes, and my ability to call you to authenticity is frustrating... but you wouldnt want me any other way. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being there for our daughter. Thank you for being there for my son. Thank you for teaching me, for holding me, for loving me actively, and for being exactly you. I miss you.*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LOUleqDVwM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-fWDrZSiZs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cwkej79U3ek
~The Velveteen slave, Faith

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Something You Dont Know About Me​

One of the topics that we discuss often in this lifestyle is how D/s can be used as a healthy or an unhealthy coping mechanism for a myriad of different struggles. In a recent blog I discussed how some of my partners had used the relationship as a coping mechanism for their own unhappiness, and how I recognized that this was probably not a great way to go about things. That is not to say that D/s can't be used as one of your tools in your toolbox to deal with life's difficulties.*First off I'd like to note that I'm not a doctor or counselor of any variety, so what it written here is purely my own experiences. I'm not recommending that you follow the same approach as what is healthy for one may well not be for another.*So; as the title of this suggests, there is something you do not know about me. No matter how long you have known me, or how well you have known me, there are exactly FOUR people on this site who know what I'm about to share. *deep breath* This one is scarier for me than explaining to y'all what it means to be a grey A submissive.

*So, Hi, you all know me as I'm thoughtful, helpful, kind, gentle, intelligent, sometimes funny, definitely serious, a mom, a teacher, a friend, a grey asexual, a slave hearted submissive, a liddle/mittle, oh ... and I am also a woman with Aspergers Autism. I know I know, most of you probably just did a mental image comparison of Dr. Sheldon Cooper and went cross eyed trying to figure out how I fit that picture.*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_0Hx5ey35c

Well, firstly I would like to take a moment to tell you that Aspergers Autism is severely under diagnosed in women and girls as opposed to men. The diagnostic criteria which have been used up until the last 10 years were solely focused on the traits of men on the spectrum. It was not realized that women display vastly different traits, and thus were rarely diagnosed. At this point 3 of 4 people who are diagnosed are men, but since reevaluating the criterion to include the traits experienced by women that gap is beginning to close and it is theorized that the rate will be much closer to 1:1 as more doctors become competent and aware of how women display.*What is so different about a woman with Aspergers? Can it be so different that even doctors wouldnt have noticed? YEP! We all know that the symptoms for a heart attack are completely different in women than in men. If women were just told to watch out for the male symptoms, how many would slip through the cracks and suffer potentially fatal consequences? It is like that.*We have many of the same traits our male counterparts do:*These issues can be broken down into a few categories...
~Cognitive/Intellectual Abilities and Difficulties
~Social Interactions and Cues~Issues within Friendships
~Difficulties with Clear and Concise Communication
~Physiological Differences
~Emotional
~Issues with Education and Career

There are many different Aspergers traits that are unique to girls, but the most defining characteristic is social modeling and masking. This is what makes it SO hard to diagnose us. As a little girl I would sit on the periphery of a group for a while... watch how the group interacted, I would watch their expected behaviors, then I would go home and play that out with my dolls, or in my head. After I was confident that I could do what they were doing, then I would jump in. I was taught from a young age that my introverted nature was something that I needed to *fix*. Shyness was not rewarded. Being a wallflower was not acceptable and would end up with every adult's eyes on me trying to "fix" me.. so in order to make that stop i understood that I just needed to be more like "them." It was all about expectations. People expected me to be outgoing. They expected me to be gregarious. They expected me to make eye contact. They expected me to be comfortable moving between social circles. They expected me to participate. The expectations just piled on. Males with ASD when interviewed are largely unaware of or unconcerned with those expectations, whereas females are preoccupied with them. This leads us to those masking behaviors.*As a child my masking was obvious to someone who was watching and knew what they were looking for... sadly, it took until i was 30 and had a child who was diagnosed with ADS for my own diagnosis to come. Now, looking back, it is incredibly clear.*
As an adult woman i still have a lot of my Aspie traits... but you, the outsider wouldnt notice them because I'm busy all day, every single day, masking them. In writing this blog I'm masking them. Aspie me is an incredibly ordered individual. I've had people comment how they can tell that every word and every sentence of my blog is intentionally chosen; that is RIGHT, they are... and that is me masking.*If I have one effective coping mechanism for my Aspergers.... D/s is it.*

~Cognitive/Intellectual Abilities and Difficulties
***I have a weak short term memory, but superior long term memory. Being able to have clear expectations and routine that does not change helps me with this.
****I have rigid black and white thinking, but I am open to intellectual discussion in order to show me different perspectives. This is one way my Person helps me.*
***I often suffer from context blindness. This is one way my Person helps me. (*B... this is what I was quietly drawing your attention to)

~Social Interactions and Cues~Issues within Friendships
***preference for one sided interactions or few close relationships.
****Difficulty understanding the "road" to relationships (the clear path from interaction, to negotiation, to relationship helps me tremendously. )
***dislike for chitchat and inability to really "small talk" for long periods of time, but ability to talk about special interests ad nauseum. D/s is one of my "special interests" clearly.*
***difficulty asserting self, stating needs, and setting boundaries (the clear time and space for doing so in D/s takes that awkward away)
***engages in social mimicry to mask in social settings. (not even really needed when what is expected of me is clearly laid out for me. it takes the guesswork out).*

~Difficulties with Clear and Concise Communication
***Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings on the spot. (giving me a clear time and place with leading questions helps. Knowing that it is desired of me to express these things makes it feel less awkward)
***Dislikes asking for help
***Difficulty setting clear boundaries (a clear time, place, and need for this helps take away the awkward)
***may unintentionally offend others by saying what they are thinking without intending to appear aggressive (my Person reads a lot of what i write and will step in and help me wordsmith when I've come across wrong. S/he will also help me roleplay back a situation to learn how it should have been done differently.*
***may give too much detail unintentionally boring others (NAW SHIT SHERLOCK LOL)
***may take things too literally missing the underlying point. (D/s saves my behind as my Person knows TO BE LITERAL)
***speaks literally and may be confused when people take their words incorrectly. (uh huh.... I don't DO sarcasm.... )
***auditory processing issues (I cant filter out sounds. I CANT do the dishes and listen to you. I HAVE to leave the sink, turn it off, walk to where you are and LOOK at you to be sure I'm hearing you correctly. i'm watching your mouth to be sure the words I'm seeing match the words I'm hearing. ... D/s where this is understood as respect saves me from massive frustration and embarrassment.)

~Physiological Differences
***sensory processing difficulties. (D/s where we can clearly work out what is a positive sensation, what is a negative sensation, and what I can learn to cope with all HELP)
***the social overload is real people... so when I disappear like I did the last two days it is because I did a lot of things I couldnt anticipate the expectations of. i needed to disappear to regroup and ground myself. My Person understands this and takes it as part of our D/s. I did a fucking good job ... so my disappearing is part of my self care aftercare.*
***Anxiety... I'm not going to go into details here, but D/s and sensory input can be used INCREDIBLY effectively by a wise Dom/me to teach me to be aware of my anxiety levels and to get them under control before they spiral to meltdown territory.*

~Emotional
***difficulty differentiating between emotions expressed and "shown". (In a D/s relationship I can just ASK. In a healthy D/s relationship I know what is expected of me and so long as I have kept up with those then i have nothing to stress over.)
***difficulty in expressing emotions clearly. Emotion shown may not match the situation, or what is going on internally. (D/s saves me from this, because my Person knows to **ask**)
***Feels DEEPLY and may seem to overreact to situations, but the reaction is genuine.*
***Does not DO calm, stress, confrontation, or fighting. (D/s saves me from the need to confront or "stand up" instead there is a clear time and place to express... the steps are clearly laid out to prevent "confrontation".)
***highly affected by other's moods. (D/s uses this to my advantage. My biggest "high" comes from knowing I've helped, done good, etc... D/s provides me plenty of opportunities for this)
***Delayed emotional response (In D/s we GET drop... we know what to look for and how to handle it.)
***Difficulty regulating emotions (my Partner can be incredibly helpful in helping me spot when I'm having trouble and reminding me how to handle it)

~Issues with Education and Career
***Expectations. I can only cope with my anxiety by being clear what is EXPECTED of me, and knowing how I can meet those expectations... so for example, if i have a new class schedule I have to "walk" my schedule in advance or get there an hour before so that I KNOW I can find the place.*
***I will constantly ask clarifying questions at work to be sure that I understand what is expected of me.*
***I need to be the best at what I do so that i do not need to worry about looking for a different job... stability is one of my major coping tools.*
***I often send my work correspondence to my Person for them to check to be sure i'm not coming off as "too aggressive"..*
***social gatherings at work are particularly stressful, it helps if my Person will talk me through expectations.****I have issues multitasking. It screws with my mental ordering... i CANT do this. D/s helps me to put things into the right order.*..... and a whole slew more.*

Growth:The first time I wrote on this topic was three years ago. I went back and read it today and i smile realizing how far I've come thanks to all of the wonderful Dominants who have been in my life since that time. I've done a lot of work too. I used to use all of this knowledge in a very immature fashion, basically saying to my Dominant *here is the mess that I'm in.... do what you will.* This was basically tantamount to "fix me". Yuck. (I'm sorry)Now, I'm at a different place of trying to be AWARE of how I use D/s intentionally to cope with my own difficulties and then appropriately asking my Person if we can instill things into our relationship that will help ME effectively manage MY issues. It may seem like semantics, but it isn't. There is a big difference.*How does my Aspergers show up in my interactions here?*I have a hard time knowing the steps to friendship, so I never really know when it is right or wrong to reach out. ... i will often start a PM with an apology just to head off if I've misstepped.*I sometimes read more or less emotion into a post and react accordingly. I can come across as accusatory or aggressive and my meaning or point will get buried. I try VERY hard to not let it happen, but I know I do trip up on occasion.*I sometimes don't see the subtext or send the wrong subtext in interactions.... I once had a guy at work literally ask me out tom my face and I didnt understand that was what was happening.... I had to go back the next day and like a middle schooler I wrote him a note asking if I'd understood right and if i did.... keep reading and if not... please hand me the letter back and let's pretend this never happened. Yeah..... I was 33. .....*I also tend to have to "hibernate" when stuff gets too heavy irl.... it isnt because I dont love and appreciate people here, it is because i have to handle my social burnout. It literally makes me feel sick.*

How can you find out more?*
If you would like to find out more about Aspergers in Women please please check out this helpful pdf which will show you the myriad of ways Aspergers affects women:*https://taniaannmarshall.wordpress....sperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/
There are a number of GREAT Ted talks on the concept... three of my favorites:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qvvrme5WIwA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCAErePScO0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QY2ctCuTWPw

As well as two discussions on what it means to be Autistic in this lifestyle:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udrxMjP07uA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bFRRIg1pec <<< I understand her SO MUCH

If you have ANY questions, please feel free to reach out. I'll do my best to answer anything you might want to ask, noting that it is of course only my own experience and others on the spectrum may have a very different experience.*
~The Velveteen slave; Faith
I'd also like to take a moment to publicly thank Schrodinger'sDinosaur; Momma Henna. Thank you for being one of exactly TWO people in my life to actively and intentionally help me. You are so giving of your time, energy, and understanding. I can not begin to consider the machinations that the universe went through to put exactly YOU in exactly my life when it did. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for wearing a puzzle piece for me. Thank you for helping me find the pieces in my life and learning how they fit together. Thank you for never being afraid to call me out when i get it wrong, and correcting me when and how I can hear it. You are a hell of a Woman. You are wise, intuitive, kind, and you never ever ever give up on me. Thank you.*
Thank you also to Lord Crutiatius... you know that you did more for me in teaching me how to master my anxiety and how to use D/s to my benefit with wisdom and intentional actions than 35 years of work has. You are a brilliant man, and I thank you with all of my heart.*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n86c41TI0HA

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Birthday Dance Party​

Hey Y'all i know I have regrettably bad taste in music... but here it is!*Today I had to work for the first time in **weeks** on my birthday Which wasn't honestly a bad thing. I was happy. A girl I work with went out with me after for a bit (she hadn't remembered, but still, when she knew she wanted to spend time so that made me happy)I've gotten the sweetest well wishes from my friends, students, and family.. most notably Momma's Dino Birthday. That right there is gold. My ex Daddy also remembered and sent me a sweet little gif wish thing. I was grateful.*So come and join my dance party. I'm a mittle/liddle so i do not apologize for inflicting my regrettable taste in music in you. Please add your song contributions below!
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JCLY0Rlx6Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yc7-krRX8uA
https://youtu.be/AneO6L5FQG4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuwfgXD8qV8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzb75m8NuMQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuNTO31FlY8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urNyg1ftMIU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWqLyr4RupY

~The Velveteen slave is now 36 WHOOHOO!oh, and for those keeping score at home I lost 48.5 lbs year and I'm now under 200 WHOOHOO!*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXd2WxoOP5g

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I feel like I'm one of the LEAST qualified people to write a blog post about personal safety, seriously, it is laughable.... but I feel very compelled to do so.



I had a very eye opening talk with someone who is rapidly coming to be a friend to me and this post is as a result of that talk.



She was coming to terms and allowing herself to be honest and speak aloud a hurt that happened to her. Sometimes it is like hurts are not real until you give them a voice. If you do not speak them they are limited. It's like that little kid playing peekaboo behind Mommy's skirt, "If I can't see you you can't see me" ... or like a demon that can not get to you so long as you never speak its name.

But the truth is those hurts exist and are real and do affect us whether we give them a name or not. They effect us in ways we can not really discern UNTIL we do that acknowledgement. The effects will be insidious and hidden until the flashlight is shined on them.



We discussed how we KNOW all this, but still, in the moment when faced with the Big Bad Wolf sometimes we react in ways that we can not imagine we would. We are empowered, strong, vocal, knowledgeable, experienced women... submissives yes... but we typically feel like we have our sh** together. We definitely do not fall into the "victim" mentality. She screams "I am strong and I know what I want!"

Yet when faced with the Big Bad Wolf, she lost her voice. She retreated. She cried and yelled in private and then "fixed her face" and went back and on as though nothing had happened.



She expressed mostly anger and frustration with herself for not having acted and reacted differently. I expressed shock, belief, and anger on her behalf... not towards her, but FOR HER. I reminded her to be gentle with herself and to not be angry with herself for how she did or did not react in the moment...but rather look at what we will do differently next time.



So in typical *me* style I have to turn this into a lesson. I HAVE to look at what she, I, and the community can take from it and do about it.

After I had had a shower and allowed myself to process (the whole thing is intensely personal for me) I was reminded of a brilliant blog originally posted by another Cage member which discussed the process of radical accountability and how to approach consent violations in a very open, honest, and straightforward manner.

Adding salt to the issue is that that article (not the blog) has been retracted and the writer has openly apologised for using that platform to further inflict abuse on the victim. :/ GRRRR I do not like people sometimes.



So what can I then give myself, her, and us?



In my response to her, in addition to THANKING her for telling me. Thanking her for her trust. Thanking her for her bravery. Acknowledging her right to her feelings and that YES this was a consent violation... validating her need to be seen, heard, and understood...I also made a request of her which I will share with you now.



I told her that I was grateful to her for protecting *me* as a member of this community (the larger BDSM community not the Cage).

I told her that by telling me I would rethink my consideration of putting my physical self in his domain.

I told her that she had very possibly kept myself and my child safe, and how important that is.

I further told her that the next time she is in a public event (a munch) and a person puts their hands on her in a way that she has NOT consented to that I encourage her to speak up at them moment. Raise her voice and say loudly "NO! I have NOT given you permission to touch me. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME." or any other version of this.

If she is uncomfortable to BE loud then please approach the organizer of the event and make them aware of the consent breech. They NEED to be able to make their space safe, and if we keep quiet about these things then they cant do their job! Would we hide inappropriate touching from our dominant? No, because it is their right to know, and if we dont make them aware we are preventing them from doing their job. SAME THING.



The last thing I asked her to do is consider this: I know we question "how bad was it" ... I mean... He didnt touch her sexually... so was it bad enough to "make an issue?" I KNOW we face this question over and over... and here is what I put to her... if this man would put his hands on her in an unwanted menacing manner IN PUBLIC... a submissive he has no connection to... around people who know what consent is and he had no fear or shame of doing so. .. #1 how normal WAS it for him? How many times had he gotten away with it? and #2 What in the WORLD would he do IN PRIVATE???? 0__o <<< that one is where she went ".... Oh.... oh gosh, yes."



So here is what i say to all of us:

NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TOUCH ANY PART OF YOUR BODY IN ANY FASHION UNLESS YOU EXPLICITLY CONSENT.

A Munch or scene event unless it is expressly stated is NOT fair grounds for someone to touch you! YOU HAVE BODY AUTONOMY.

Whether you are a Dominant or a submissive, top, bottom, kinkster, alien whatever... no one has the right to touch you!

Please, if you ever find yourself in such a situation know #1 it isnt ok. #2 it isnt normal. #3 please seek out the event organizer to make them aware.

By keeping silent and questioning "how bad was it really" we allow these people to go under the radar.

As we have said over and over and over again on here in the past weeks: we need to stick together and call these people out. We can not let them operate hidden under a veil of false impunity in the name of confidence and discretion.

Do we protect the abuser at the expense of the victim and future victims?

Lastly, if it happens be gentle with yourself. Whatever happened was not your fault, you didn't "ask for it" and your reaction was completely reasonable whatever it was at the time! You did what you needed to do for you.



https://thecage.co/imagr/?u=15139/blog/posts/1562763128.png



~The Velveteen Slave

https://youtu.be/zMbIipvQL0c
https://voca.ro/nuQkxpHMIQD
https://youtu.be/cMTAUr3Nm6I
https://youtu.be/A3YlcqXok0s
https://youtu.be/f5URY52MxVA

Some great resources: (Thank you SBD and Nicole)

https://ncsfreedom.org/key-programs-2/consent-counts/

 

[cookiecat]

Nice to see you around.

Good info.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Thank you, cookie ♡ I've been here, just sticking to this thread mostly ♡ how are you?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Hey hey anja♡ missed you!

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Push and Flow
This post is going to be uncharacteristically short for me (probably) because I haven't gotten anywhere near a finished concept, it is simply the acknowledgement of an area of ignorance and a place of big possible growth.*A few days ago in meditation class Roger said something that got my wheels turning and I think it was the first time any of them *saw* me go introverted. I think it threw him because of the look on my face (I don't think I have much of a resting b**** face, but i certainly have an "I'm in my head working shit out" face.)*I have wondered a time or ten why soooooo many of the people I respect in the lifestyle have a specific thing in common; a background in martial arts. I had chalked it up to "it's hella good practice in self control, plus physical strength and movement conditioning can never go amiss." But in class I got the drift that there is a whole lot more to it than that.*Roger was teaching us a bit about using the I Ching (which i had literally zero background on) when he mentioned that one of the main concepts that could be gleaned was how much force to be applied to a situation... should it be pushed through or is a flow around better. <<< This got my wheels turning. This is not how I approach problems. In fact I don't think I've EVER not once viewed them this way. *cue my introverted deep in thought face**I have not gotten anywhere with it, just acknowledgement that this is a concept that I was completely ignorant of and will have a lot more soul searching to do about. I would be open to any insights or wisdom anyone would like to share with me on this concept please and thank you.*

push:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8VoUYtx0kw

pull: (the specific one it is queued up to... not the whole show... just *this one*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWmSmii9M-0&t=312s

flow:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRw6d0lBXj4&t=155s

~The Velveteen slave; Faith

 

[EmilysJournal]

Exploring Submissive Side

Does anyone find that as they discover and explore a submissive side to themselves, they find themselves losing a sense of independence and suddenly craving reassurance?

 

[biwifecurious]

Does anyone find that as they discover and explore a submissive side to themselves, they find themselves losing a sense of independence and suddenly craving reassurance?

Yes but only to Master...

 

[Faleena]

Thank you to everyone that has posted on this thread. I am learning a lot about myself & my sensuality & my sexuality. For those of you in positions of control at work do you find that once you start submitting in the bedroom do you lose control at work?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I cant begin to express how happy it made me to see posts here from the three of you! <3

Emily... yes, when you start to experience submission it is completely natural for your ego to step in and go ahhhh scary! Totally normal. Bicuriouswife, thank you for contributing!

@Faleena... for myself no... it is part of respecting the submission and where it belongs. It took time for me to consciously and intentionally watch where my submissive energy was being directed... conversely I found that finding a healthy and acceptable outlet for my submissive needs (when I have that) helps me NOT seek that outlet in unhealthy ways.
Great question!

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Letters to my Future​

I choose You: https://voca.ro/zknfm3nTbbn

So first a bit of background.... a few weeks ago I had my last break down over the loss of my relationship. I was really in a dark place with everything. It was the first time I actually TRIED to think about the concept of a relationship with someone new and the thought made me sick and dizzy and nauseous. I ended up in an absolute heap bawling on my bed, once again crying into his shirt that I had not taken out of the ziplock bag it was sent to me in in the year I had it.... not until he had been gone a week and I fell apart the first time. ... Once again I was losing my mind and heart into it and all that went through my head is: "I do not want to DO this again! How can I do this AGAIN?!"I had memories of my three significant relationships running through my head on repeat like your life flashing before your eyes... so very vivid. Every moment I thought or felt I was "home"From when I landed here to meet my ex who was very much not a dom and I didnt even know ddlg was a thing.... yet he called me "his daughter" and promised to never do anything that wasnt "for my best good", to the moment I knew this was a man I was going to marry.... to the day he called me and asked "so what do you think about getting married tomorrow?" to when he took my hand for the first time ever and walked me around the home he had made for us.... to the first time I saw my first "Daddy" on the camera. This will sound nuts... but the first time I saw him we both hugged ourselves as if hugging each other and then I was crying looked dead at him and told him "Where were you? You took too long!?" Yeah.... he was a bit taken aback... but he understood. To the day I sat in an empty classroom and he told me he was proud of me and THAT made me cry... not "I love you" but "I'm proud of you" .... it meant more...To the first time I saw my Master and we both lay down looking at each other... and a billion and ten other memories.... all of them as base and raw as the day they happened.
Every one of these memories just completely consuming me with the emotion they possessed, the significance of them at the time, and the loss they represented, and it was all too much.Then my brain took it back farther to my first boyfriend and the day I found out he had died. If my soul could have come out in tears it would have been seemed into his shirt and the bed and my pillow, and my stuffed dog at that point, and then maybe I would have stopped hurting finally.*The next memory that came was of me sitting on my bed in High School wearing Joe's bracelet and writing journals addressed "to my future Husband" ... and I sank to my knees beside the bed put my head on the floor and cried until I could not cry more, but differently.
See... that address was never directly attributed to Joe. Rather it was a conscious decision of mine at the time (I began them at 10) to write every single day 'to my future Husband" and tell him about my day. It was a way for me to be accountable for my actions and behaviors. I decided that if I couldnt write it; I wouldnt DO it, whatever "it" was. So sitting on my bed and writing... those were not letters to Joe (despite we both absolutely intended to marry eachother) or later Adam, or Brian, or any other boy who entered my life. YES, the journals contained entries about them... and boys who made it deeply enough into my life to be in them typically knew of their existence... but that address line wasnt about THEM.*
In that memory of those journals i put a new thought in my mind... I had been crying because how could I give more of myself? I have nothing more to give. I've given absolutely all of me. Every time. and then found more to give. I held and hold nothing back. How can I offer more? I was feeling shame for giving it to the wrong person and hurt and anger and disappointment and so many things... then I had a different feeling. In remembering that journal I remembered how I used to believe that whoever I was with might not be him.... whoever him was.... but in writing it, I was someday going to give him my past along with my present and my future. Writing those notes never felt like cheating on him, whoever he would be... rather it was "this is me trying to be mature for you, acting in a way I know would make you proud."
And that lesson came back again... it wasnt that I had given it all away wrongly... it was that I had indeed inside myself given it to Him whoever he may be... but He just wore the wrong face still... my submission has always belonged to Him and will always belong to Him... I just havent found the right face yet... but I know that my actions have been right all along. Each wall, each trap isnt that... it isnt a maze... it is just one step closer to finding the right face.*Someday I will tell him all of ^those memories... and he wont be disappointed in me, he will see how fucking long and hard I've been looking for him all this time.

So now I'm going to begin a new series: "To my Future" ... sometimes it might contain memories of things in my life, or letters about my day and the goings on, or hopes for the future... I have no idea right now.*In case you are wondering... I ended up with 9 composition books of letters which lived in a cardboard box under my bed until I was 19. ... 9 years of my life with a letter nearly every day. Each cover was colored in sharpie or marker or colored pencil... some were bright and neon, others pastel and gentle... Some held sections that were stapled closed and read "Biohazard open at your own risk... you have been warned!"*The cardboard box was wrapped with ribbon and a bow and handed over to my first husband on 01/02/03 (I figured he couldnt possibly forget our anniversary... he would have to forget how to count.... 1.2.3. seriously? Yeah he still managed to forget 4 of 5 years :/ Still... I personally think it is the third greatest gift I've ever given someone in my life.*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*​

To my Future;I'm having a hard time coming to grips with some things still, all of that was hard for me to write.* Today I want to focus on love.*A few songs for today because I'm emotionally spent!

To the future:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJ_XEt1QpYg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94MHIeeGwys

My Prayer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHhm7ZqknAo

I want to be loved like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wSCs6wtI78

I want to have fun like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCi66-PFESM

I want to love like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfs265p4yMg

Until you can be here to love me... I will work hard on doing it for you:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MZgtCp8mtc

~The Velveteen slave; Faith

Wait: https://voca.ro/3pPR6GBydda

 

[Orchidea73]

I had been crying because how could I give more of myself? I have nothing more to give. I've given absolutely all of me. Every time. and then found more to give. I held and hold nothing back. How can I offer more?

What about giving and offering all to YOU?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

It's a solid question @Orchidea, I don't have a solid answer for you.

i'm still where I was when I started the Taken to Task post.
I acknowledge that I've done it backasswards up until now. Because relationships were always born out of friendships and interests where the person constantly made the effort to meet my needs and make me feel loved i always assumed that that would continue.
This is where actually negotiating what needs and wants are is massively important. <3

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Letters to my Future: Today for Today

So it comes back around again.... what is it that I can take from everything? What is the lesson *right now*?

What is the greatest detractor from my happiness right now? What is the greatest disruption to my sense of peace?

It isn't a sense of discontent. I'm quite happy where I'm at in life. I'm blessed to be sure. Yes, there are things that could be better or different... but as a whole stopping to look around at my life i'm truly grateful for my life.



It isn't lack of companionship.... I am blessed to have some really amazing people in my life right now. I've got a Mommasaurus who is there as often as she can be, who loves me to bits, and never lets me down. I've got a sissa who lets me vicariously live in her joy. I've got a group of amazing RL kinky awesomeness who, despite being a billion miles away always find a way to include me in their awesomeness. I truly feel like I've found my tribe with them. I've got friends on here who will reach out to me for a steadying hand or are more than willing to step up to the plate when I reach out (thank you, sincerely).



So what is it?

It is fear.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. I have no fear of the present. I am really great at handling my hurts of the past... i know I've still got work to do, I'm not claiming it is DONE, but I'm generally adept at handling that as it comes to the surface.

Nope, my constant nemesis is my fear of the future. Usually it revolves around fear of loss. I don't tend to keep **things** because I've lost so many **things** in the past. I've lost my home 6 times in my life. I've had my things taken in a burglary and lost everything again. I've had to pick up and run twice in my life with just a suitcase and a backpack.... THINGS I do not hold dear enough to care about.



People is a whole nother matter. Once someone makes it into my soft squishy innards then I start to fear that they will decide to up and get gone. Not like I don't have reason to fear it.... I do. But at the end of the day I can only control me and my behavior. I've become incredibly cognizant of that. I can not control someone else's life, desire, or choices. So worrying about what i can not control is completely and utterly pointless, it just steals from my happiness and peace in the moment.



Just because that I recognize my need to let go and submit myself to the winds of fate does not a finished learned lesson make. I don't begin to know what that will entail for me, or how it will look, but I'm open and willing to learn.



For TODAY (because a dear friend keeps quietly reminding me that if you just focus on today... doing one single thing better today well... that is a win)

for TODAY a win looks like trying to be grateful when someone important reaches out to "touch home base" in whatever form that takes. Not worrying about if they will touch home base tomorrow, or if they will ever make different choices. Just be grateful that they did *today*.

To be open to the happiness and connections that present themselves to me today. Not let my concern for the future rob me of my happiness in the present.



<3 Momma and sissa... believe it or not, but I was already intending to write this BEFORE the images 0__0. <3 Isn't it great when we riff off eachother without even knowing?!



Feed your Fears

and your Faith will starve.

Feed your Faith

and your Fear will starve.



~The Velveteen slave; Faith (alright my sister Muse <3 Thank you for signing my Faith for me, until I could pick up the pen once again. You are loved.)

 

[littlebirdjoy]

A Kink Post! What?! Desired Object​

I'm going to break my rule for a moment and I **think** for the first time EVER.... ever ever, going to actually discuss kink.

The world has come to an end. Hades has frozen over. How could this BE? I know. I know. It will probably never happen again.

I'm breaking my personal rule and doing so for solid reason though.



Most of us who are significantly over the age of 20 will attest to changing interests over time. Where we are *now*, however far into the journey of life *now* has walked us, are probably different from what they were when we started out as sexual creatures.

I mean sure, many of us found bits and pieces of our kinky personalities in our youth. We all laugh at the meme of scoobydoo being the CLUE that we might be into rope bondage, etc.

However, along the line it has certainly been a fairly regular occurrence for me to give some new experience a try and fond that I surprise myself in being ok with it, or even LIKING it.

So the concept that what is true one day may not be true a year from now shouldn't be that hard to grasp.



It isn't that unusual for someone to go through stages of finding congruence in a broader concept either: "Well I'm ok with *this part of an activity* in *this very specific context* but I don't want it in any other way or context"

When it is one of the more common kinks then we are all so used to seeing it that no one bats an eye. If you read on someone's profile "I like OTK spanking, but no other impact play" or if they went so far as to say "I LOVE to be spanked, but I don't like: caning, flogging, whipping, slapping, smacking, punching." Again, most of us would go "ok!"



When we delve into the less openly discussed kinks that acceptance fades away. I read a post a little bit back that poked at something I've personally been trying to deal with. The concept of the post was questioning the validity of someone saying "I love this kink!" But then going on to list all of the elements of the kink they DONT like. I believe the poster was genuinely confused about "so what in the world is left then?! Some of the comments even came across as adding mockery atop it.

Now, I have nothing to do with the profile they were discussing, and I think it was more a general statement anyhow... but it poked at an issue I myself have been coming to terms with, and I THINK it might just be eye opening for a few others too. At least it should be entertaining.



******DEEP BREATH FAITH*******



Hi, my name is Faith, and I like objectification. I LOVE objectification! If we are in a relationship (not gonna happen, this is not an open casting call. Down boy!) PLEASE objectify me. HOWEVER: I don't like humiliation or degradation. I dont like to be called rude names. I don't like to be embarrassed. I like it when I'm respected and cherished.

How many of you just went "huh?" Which way did he go George?



It confused the crap out of me too for a very long time! In fact, when going over the post-mortem of my relationship it was one of the things that really really really bothered me. I LOVED how he played with me. I LOVED how he made me feel, even if it was a situation that should by all rights have mortified me, I NEVER EVER felt so. ... I cried a lot of tears over this really silly concept: "I might never have that again! How would I EVER explain what he did to someone when I don't understand it or why it affected me the way it did!" I literally brokenly and sheepishly brought this very real fear of mine to Momma one night and bared it all to her to ask her if she could explain me to me. Could she help? (She did a STELLAR job by the by... my Momma is one smart Dino!) However, there were still pieces missing.



Last week after my kinky karaoke I hosted a little impromptu after party which I talked a little about below. In the process someone else brought up objectification and my head swiveled and I opened my ears WIDE. He moved on to other things and I flagged him down and said... go back. Can we go back to that? please? They talked about all the usual things which **weren't where I am*

So I bit the bullet, closed my eyes and explained what I just wrote out up there... that my former Master used to play around with objectification with me and it was SO GOOD sooooooooo goooodddddd but I hate humiliation and degradation and I dont understand me and HELP because how am I ever going to find it again if I can't even understand it?!

^__^ yeah, my Middle self was out in full force at that point. Luckily the man who was speaking was ALSO a middle and he completely spoke my level and language. Not one but THREE people in the conversation all hopped in to tell me about this one kink educator who might be able to help me; Lee Harrington. I asked them to please write the name in chat.



So yesterday away I went researching! Finding him wasn't too hard, finding what I was looking for was a bit harder... but the minute my eyes hit this topic "Desired Object, Forgotten Object: Erotic Objectification for Animists"

it all made sense. I didn't need to READ the rest of it (though I certainly did... and I'm going to make a "date" with the other middle to let him stream the lecture for me ***please please please and thank you!) I absolutely found complete understanding of where it all fit.



Desired Object.

Correct. This is exactly where he went. I was never degraded or humiliated. Quite the opposite. I got such an incredible high out of feeling absolutely and completely wanted, needed, desired. Yes, it was absolutely objectification... but it never removed my soul, my worth, my value.



My point in all of this is not to say: "Hey y'all you're doin' it wrong!" I know that i'm very probably the outlier in regards to people who like objectification... but the point if this is to say: I would have been that girl writing that profile that said: "I LOVE objectification. But I don't like to be degraded or humiliated or or or etc" and it still would have been valid and honest. I simply hadn't found a way to express concisely what it was that I DID love!

So yes, sometimes it is easy to look at someone like that and laugh and dismiss them as amateur or ridiculous.... but sometimes there is a person desperately reaching out trying to understand them self in all of that mess.



~The Velveteen slave; Faith

https://youtu.be/dPI-mRFEIH0
https://youtu.be/gBAfejjUQoA
https://youtu.be/VmVLGLg-QBk
https://youtu.be/up7pvPqNkuU

The rest of the description of the seminar:

"" Desired Object, Forgotten Object: Erotic Objectification for Animists
In the erotically adventurous world, a lot of conversation has been batted about concerning the idea of objectification and its supposed partner humiliation. However, for those of us who believe objects have souls, things have value, and the earth itself is not something to be thrown away when we are done with it, how does this dynamic between human and human-object shift? Let’s discuss how our interactions with a human table change for those of us who look at tables as more than wood? Can we apply our desire to create lasting relationships with our human-objects to creating lasting relationships with the non-human-objects in our world as well? In a world where everything has a soul, we will look at whether humiliation has a place in the language of objectification and dive into our own ethics while examining our objects of desire."

found at http://passionandsoul.com/media/podcast/



Thanks to: Thorn, Leather Redux, "Joe", and "J" for your help in understanding me! <3



~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~**~**~*~**~

Thanks to a fantastic on going discussion in the comments I'm going to TRY to move a few concepts up here for folks just tuning in.



SBD asked me to clarify giving an example so that people might be better able to understand. Jack and SJL have been instrumental in helping me get a few concepts expressed better <3)



So: (paraphrased)

What elements create a desired object scene?

~It has included elements of intentional language and sensory deprivation, as well as objectification which removes animate reciprocation.



how does it differ from objectification?

~in this case it is the language and the headspace. So rope space is a type of subspace yes? Little space is a type of subspace...
So the headspace is different.
The scene is set up to intentionally remove your sense of humanity. You are not desired to react, or give... it is for you only to exist and serve passively. The language removes the element of thinking or acting, while at the same time affirming you of your worth "be a good toy for me now" and other things "no noises" "close your eyes now, just be my *insert object* ... all while being positive and affirming that it is desired.

Many times objectification language differs "you are ONLY a toy" "you are nothing more than my *insert item*
Elements of disrespecting the item may also be used.
In this case none of that is present and it is an object which you need, want, and desire, value, cherish.



How do humiliation and degradation as far as word choice play in here?

~Think about the difference between objectifying someone as "only holes for my use" << degrading to "be my good little cunt now." Big difference.



What is the difference between humiliation and degradation?

~No one can degrade you. Because degradation is what happens in the mind of the giver. Only you know if you are degrading me.
You can not humiliate anyone, because it is what happens in the receiver's own mind. So I have to be VERY clear with my Person about what would embarrass me and then cause shame and feelings of humiliation. ....



How can you be sure that someone isnt degrading you in a scene? How do you end up feeling "Desired object"?

~specific intentional word choice, tone of voice, the way the scene is set up, and the aftercare provided afterwards all lend to being made to feel "desired" vs. "humiliated".

So it all is wrapped on whether your "property" is DESIRED, cherished, treasured! Valued! If it is said with a twinkle in the eye and a tone of voice that leads no one, least of all the receiver to doubt their worth THAT is Desired objectification. *thumbs up*

If it is said with disdain or disrespect or in a way blase .... YUP that would be degradation in your mind and thus i would be humiliated by it.



How much of this is universal vs just a "me" thing?

~ihavenoidea!

It would depend upon the couple and their mental needs. The overreaching truth is that it expresses and is received as WANTED CHERISHED DESIRED SPECIAL ****MIIINNNEEEEEE**** not "worthless, pointless, useless, or "only good for".... it is all in how that is expressed, felt, and received. Like anything in kink it can be done clumsily and fall flat or it can be done with incredible finesse and be sexy as all heck.



But the words you used in your example would humiliate ME!

~I'm not saying it is for everyone! ^points to the humiliation statement^ so for YOU someone could not objectify you with *that word* because TO YOU that word is inherently demeaning or objectionable and it would humiliate you. This is where it is necessary for the Dominant to be inside your had like WHOA.
Yes, mistakes happen. You can get in there and hit a nerve and have to back off.



How does a Desired object scene affect you, Faith, on a physical, mental, and emotional level?

~So when I was in that mindframe it was an overwhelming sense of peace, calm, and it was one of those moments that I could just let my absolute wanton libido go. I couldnt DO anything about it. I couldnt EXPRESS it, and the inability to express it might have amplified it.
But in my mind the feeling was of just absolute WANT and the amazing feeling of just being NEEDED. In a sense it is a close cousin to the feeling of being restrained and used. Not in an evil bad sense, we all understand that there is a BIG difference between being used against out wishes and being used consensually. THIS is that.
So the mind could turn off and all that was left was the absolute base WANT.

It scratched my submissive itch as well, because no where in here can you say it isnt absolute service.

At the same time it allowed me to view myself as a sexual creature without any sense of inhibition or conversely disinhibition because "object cant be inhibited or disinhibited!"

When I walked away from it i always felt incredibly seen, used (in a good way), desired, needed, special and *****unique***

 

[ultramarineblue]

Thank you for sharing a different perspective on objectification. One thing that has always drawn me to this forum is how people share their different perspectives. I can see how both types of objectification could be appealing or even make someone uncomfortable in a good way or even a bad way.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Thank you UMB <3 I'm grateful. Your own thread has been a source of great inspiration to me for years.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

The Road Not Taken

BY ROBERT FROST
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;



Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,



And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.



I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.



One of the most quoted and least understood poems of all time (PS... where in the world did our resident Poet go? I hope he is well and safe.)

Most people focus only on the last lines, which is incredibly ironic. They would like to use this poem to symbolize the fact hat one path DID make a difference... that there was a difference between the paths. That it was a wise and intentional choice on the part of the traveler to walk down one path as opposed to the other. However, in truth as the poet points out in stanzas 2 and 3, there really is no true difference in the paths... one is NOT in fact less traveled. This is just a justification the speaker will give to himself in later years to help him come to terms with his life choices.



I'm personally at one of those crossroads in my own journey. I will add the disclaimer here that I am NOT expressing that there is "one twu way" to do things. I'm simply putting my own journey out there for whoever would like to read, in the hopes that it resonates or acts as a conversation and thought starter for others.



Quite a number of years ago, after having watched the online D/s scene for a bit I came to notice that there were two distinct different paths/mentalities to Dominant behaviors. I posted a survey on a different D/s site to ascertain if I was indeed correct in the dichotomy I was seeing, and the gender split that I also observed.

It went like this: Which statement do you most closely resonate with?

A) I'm a Dominant and I would like my submissive to learn to serve me in the way I see best fit. he or she should alter themselves to suit me in most instances.

B) I am a Dominant and I seek to help my submissive become the best version of themselves. I will use my own methods to get there, and in allowing me to set the goals and pathways to achieve this, my submissive is bringing me pleasure by walking down the path I set for him or her.

C) I am a submissive and I seek a Dominant who will mold me into his ideal partner. He will certainly take my limits and desires into account, but in the end I seek to be made into His/Her perfect match in doing so I find fulfillment.

D) I am a submissive and I seek a Dominant who will help me to become the best version of myself that I can be. I want to please Him/Her in my actions and in my obedience, and also give Him or Her my full trust in leading the relationship.



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Both of these pathways are real and valid. Both have a very logical point behind them.... both are valid D/s.

So what is the difference?



Abdication of responsibility and abandonment of the self.



A few days ago I posted a writing that early in my journey was incredibly powerful and called to me on a deep level; "Waking the Tigress", in it, the author explained a situation where she came to understand the reasons and methodologies for all of the tool and props of BDSM in helping a submissive to given in to their darker self. I hate the use of that word. >.< I'm going to reterm it their most uninhibited self. She had this AH HA! Moment when she completely abandoned herself to her Master and allowed him to play freely with all of her. The repressed and stagnant her that she had been conditioned to fear and conceal.

She understood that the purpose of restraints, pain, and giving over ownership of the self was to free her of the responsibility for controlling those things. To allow herself to be free of the consequences to her own psyche as she had a reasonable excuse "i was just doing what my Master wanted."

And this is all well and good! There is a place in this lifestyle for that. As I said, I was there at the beginning of my journey and for a long long long time. It is really appealing to be completely absolved and freed and to be able to do whatever you want or whatever someone asks of you and just say "Well I was just doing as I was told!" This is absolutely submission. You bet.





But there is something deeper here for me now. To a degree I also see this as "young" and "immature" ... I'm sorry but for me and my walk, it is a cop out. It is stopping 6 steps short of the destination. It is that ^Road less Taken" false justification.

The REASON it feels so good to abdicate the responsibility for those actions is because in the end I WANTED to do those things. I could give in wholly and completely to them because they were an innate part of me, just a repressed me.

I was having a very powerful conversation with a new friend who expressed that: "I have been struggling with the socialization that I have been exposed to and how it is dissonant with who I am.This process is like restoring a painting that has been defaced. Removing the redactions from my censored self is difficult to do."
.... That one took away my breath. "removing the redactions from my censored self" ............................

Wow. .... I'm still sitting with that one and absorbing the depth of it.



For me, it is SAFE, it is EASY to say "as You wish" and give freely and totally of myself. This is not vulnerability. It is service, it is submission, it is real and true and has value. It is far harder work to be asked to freely admit my own self and my own wants and needs without hiding behind the cover and justification. To instead uncover all of me one piece at a time and say "Yes, I want this. Yes, I am this. Yes, this is where I am. This is what I think when I am alone and no one is listening."



Desired object both for where I am, who I am, what I think, what I feel, what i want, and what I can become.

https://youtu.be/Jd9zYKLepCw
https://youtu.be/_c5E6aIByMY
https://youtu.be/3y-O-4IL-PU


The Velveteen slave; Faith

in far more vulnerable and out of her depth places.

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[littlebirdjoy]

Lessons Lessons Everywhere #3​

Dreams, Courage, Integrity, and Faithfulness​

It takes quite a lot to make me MAD; but I'm 100% fed up with something. Don't worry this is not going to be a cranky angst ridden post. Pumice.



It seems that the world is made up of two kinds of people: Those people who are willing to DREAM and believe in their dreams and do the hard work to make them happen. These dreams might be in relation to career, family, hobby, or relationships... the possibilities are endless. Maybe you have had a dream, like my first Sir had, to travel to a specific country. It has been something he has wanted to do literally for as long as he has conscious memory. He is not a single step closer to achieving that dream than he was the day I met him. Not. one. single. step.

Could he have made that trip anywhere along the line? YEP... if he had actually made the hard decisions and taken concrete and definitive action to making it happen, you bet! YES, it would cost him well over $2,000 to do it and do it well.... (taking into consideration the transAtlantic flight, costs of staying and eating, as well as paying hos bills back home while abroad; we did the math). I have known him 18 years now. He COULD have done it instead of having 6 cats that he has to feed. He could have done that instead of paying for 10 years of annual passes to Disney. He could have done that instead of buying breakfasts out and actually saved money making his own. These are choices he has made. He wants to argue with me that it isnt a choice. Oh honey babe, it is. It most definitely is. They are just decisions he doesn't want to have to make.



Then there are those people who do dare to dream and SEE the way to make their dreams come true and do our end of the work to make them happen. Sometimes it works out how we envision. Sometimes not, but at least we DO THE WORK.



Everyone has the right to be one type or the other. Some people just AREN'T the dreamer and doer type. They are comfy sitting int heir bubble. Sure they fantasize about stepping out of it and going after what they truly desire...but something is holding them back. No shame here. It is comfy, I get it.

If nothing ever changes, then nothing will ever change. ​

What does stick in my craw is when someone decides to try to justify their own lack of making effective change by casting shame on ME.



I've had it happen three significant times in my life and I'd like to share them with you, because i believe there is something to be learned here. Three times in my life i have made real, significant, measurable, effective life changes to pave the way towards a life ling in person relationship with a Dominant (moving, changing jobs, beginning to get educated and accredited in a job that can move anywhere, ending an abusive marriage etc, buying a transatlantic flight ticket on my own dime) only to have that Dominant suffer a sudden attack of cold feet.

The frustrating thing is the particular shield these people picked up to use to deflect the reality of themselves.



In all three cases some variation of the following was used:

"Life isn't a fairy tale." "You aren't going to get a happy ending." "I know that this is very hard for the romanticized brain of a little girl to understand but that fairy tale world of movies where the guy tries to decide which girl he loves and ends up picking the one you wanted him to pick because she's just like you doesn't exist. At least it doesn't for the great majority of men."



Ok, let's break this down shall we?

The TRUTH is that for YOU life isnt a fairy tale because you

#1 do not truly believe that the "happy ending" YOU want is possible

#2 you are unwilling to do the hard work and make the hard choices that would make said ending possible.

#3 for whatever reason you do not truly WANT (editing to nod to someone who wrote a FANTASTIC BLOG on the concept.... ) you do not WILL your trues happiness into being.



One thing that anyone who deals with me in a personal relationship way knows: I do not like or use the word "fantasy" or "fantasize". I will not engage in it. I will never write something I won't do. I will not sit there and live in a make believe world in my head or heart. If I write it or say it... I have absolutely every intention of doing this thing.



The TRUTH:

#1 Your dreams ARE possible if you make concrete decisions and then follow through with effective and intentional actions to bring them to fruition.

#2 It isnt always going to be easy... nothing worth having ever is.

#3 If you are too skeered or lazy to actually make those hard decisions then that is on you. Stop playing with other people's heads and hearts, lying to them, yourself, or both. most of all dont blame it on them. Own your own attitudes and actions.

"And the Day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”



"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."



“What can I do with my happiness? How can I keep it, conceal it, bury it where I may never lose it? I want to kneel as it falls over me like rain, gather it up with lace and silk, and press it over myself again.”

~Anais Nin​

A dear man write on here of integrity and faithfullness. Of Words matching Actions.

I am tired of "Trust me" meaning "I'm trustworthy as long as it is convenient to me" "I'm trustworthy as long as it dosn't interfere with my easy life, or require actual hard work and tough decisions."

I was immediately reminded of a childhood book which taught us ALL we need to know about integrity and faithfulness. I bring this up in this post because again, I am TIRED of people disregarding such simple lessons as stuff made only in fairy tales. No, that is only an excuse given by those without the WILL and strength of character to actually embody them.

Horton Hatches an Egg PDF: https://www.pdfdrive.com/horton-hatches-the-egg-e162108080.html

read aloud by yours truly: https://voca.ro/4qdbkbaQIYG







My advice to you:

If something TRULY is your dream... your heart's desire. If you have been seeking it out half heartedly or turning tail and running when it stands right in front of you just begging you to take one step forward.... there WILL come a day when those opportunities finally pass you by. Where you truly have exhausted your chances. The Universe will not keep putting the answer to your prayers right in front of you if you keep turning it away. So... think wisely.
https://youtu.be/c6rP-YP4c5I










BE BOLD MAN!


https://youtu.be/vi0Lbjs5ECI

https://youtu.be/G2e_M06YDyY




~The Velveteen slave; Faith

My song for The Future: https://voca.ro/bkNDHfVq5ua What Dreams are Made of

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Trust​

It is a concept that is heavily on my heart and mind the last few days.

I'm the person who prides herself on innocence; the definition having been discussed previously as NOT the absence of knowledge or experience, but in the ability to not allow past experiences to color the present or the future.

The root of that innocence is an undamaged ability to trust.



This week my trust has been shaken to the core. A week ago I wrote a blog about submission not just being as he wishes, (a type of abdication of the responsibility for those actions and TRUST in your person to ask for what they want and need.... to guide the relationship and be responsible FOR it.) but also in revealing of the self and owning your own desires. laying them bare at the feet of your person and admitting them. Then still allowing them to do with them what you will.



I was told in explicit terms that I could TRUST my person. That He was safe with them. That I was safe.



That did not end up being the case. I was not safe, and his actions did not keep me safe. My trust was deeply rocked, and I'm still coming to terms with this. It will be a long road back to innocence on this one, I fear. These were parts of me that I had kept sheltered from any and all people. I had never allowed ANYONE including myself to know them... but I laid them out for him (or began to).... and that trust was not followed through with actions.



So I'd like to do some digging today on the concept of trust, it's levels and an analogy that always comes to mind for me.



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Trust Within a D/s
Relationship

by
jade
copyright©1997

Trust. How many ways there are to interpret the meaning of the word "trust?" In God we trust, The Security National Savings and Trust, Trust Funds, trust me, trust in yourself...we see the word everywhere and rarely stop to consider what it means. For the sake of this discussion we'll disregard the financial definitions and go right for the ones that apply to trust as found in a relationship.

Webster's New World Dictionary defines it pretty well.

Definition

Trust: (as a noun or thing)
1. a firm belief in the honesty, reliability, etc. of some person or thing; faith
2. the one trusted
3. confident expectation, hope, etc.: as, have trust in the future.
4. (a) the fact of having confidence placed in one. (b) responsibility resulting from this.
5. care; custody
6. something entrusted to a person; care, charge, duty, etc.

Trust: (as a verb or action)
1. to have confidence in; rely on.
2. to commit (to a person's care).
3. to put something confidently in the charge of a person: as, I trusted him with my car.
4. to allow to do something without fear of the outcome.
5. to believe.
6. to hope; expect

Webster's New World Dictionary
You can see that there are two forms of trust. Trust as a "thing" and trust as an "action." Both have their place in a relationship. We have trust and we trust. Just how much trust is needed? And what things do you trust to the person in your relationship? Before you answer that part too quickly, let's consider a few things.

How much trust is needed? Some? A lot? Probably more than you are capable of giving most of the time. One submissive told me without any hesitation that she trusted her Master with her life. (Most of us have to, in certain situations.) This same submissive also confided that she keeps a private mail address for letters from her mother. Why? Because she knew her Master did not like her mother's interference in their relationship. He resented it and often read the letters from her mother before she got home and got very angry. They'd had many confrontations over this and his solution was for her to stop corresponding with her mother.

This same man and woman could do scenes that involved trust that few people can understand, yet did not have enough trust in each other to get past a meddlesome mother. Notice I said "trust in each other" because this was a breech of trust on both their parts.

We all too often equate trust with things involving physical peril. It does take an enormous about of trust to allow someone to bind you into helplessness and stand over you with a whip that could bring a large horse to its knees if used improperly. But is that the supreme trust?

We also relate it to being faithful to our partner. A dominant takes great pride in having a submissive he can trust to wear his collar and be loyal to him in regards to her body and heart. But is that total trust?

I think there is a lot more to it than that. Definition 4 of the verb "trust" says it well: "to allow to do something without fear of the outcome." Fear of outcome? What does it entail? It indicates that trust does not end with an act of trust but extends into the future to include the outcome of that act. Definition 3 of the noun says much the same thing: "confident expectation, hope, etc.: as, have trust in the future."

We have to develop trust that goes beyond the moment. It has to include future acts and conditions. "If I trust him with this will he use it against me later?" "If I trust her with my heart, will she take advantage of it at other times?" "If I let my guard down will I be sorry later?" "If I trust him and he's lied to me, what will I do?" Those are the issues of trust we deal with most often.

I think we trust more easily with physical things, rather than emotional ones, because we know that the physical injuries are more likely to heal without leaving behind a painful memory. They might leave a bit of a scar, if they were serious enough injuries, but there is little pain in a physical scar. The emotional injuries are much harder to deal with and almost always leave behind painful memories and scars that never heal completely. Trusting someone with your emotions and your innermost thoughts is the most difficult act we encounter.

What are the things that prevent or impede trust in areas of the heart and mind? There are several: fear, shame, embarrassment, disappointment, the past and many other more similar things. Once you've been "had" it's twice as hard to trust the next time. Your mind attempts to protect itself by building a wall around the vulnerable spot, much the way your lungs calcify an invading TB virus. The lung can't kill the virus so it encases it in a hard shell to prevent it from doing more damage. Our hearts and minds do the same thing. A hard shell forms around the injured part to protect it and isolate it. That shell makes you feel safe but it prevents you from trusting. You end up isolated...alone...hurting...and more vulnerable.

I'm not advocating everyone to rush out and toss trust to the wind with the first person who comes along. I'm not even saying that it's a good idea to let down all your walls for the one you've formed a D/s relationship with. Trust, like maturity, come a little at a time. It's something you have to nurture and have nurtured.

If your partner makes an act of trust and confides to you a deep, personal secret or fear you must guard it and never use this confidence as a weapon. It should be used as a tool to help build more trust for later disclosures and discoveries. If you, in anger or pride, ever use something given to you in trust, expect that door to slam shut and remain locked for a long, long time. You just threw away the only key.

It is the development of this trust that is the test of a true dominant. It is fragile, broken easily, and can rarely be mended seamlessly. However, it is a treasure beyond price, the key that opens fanstsy to reality.

The Loving Dominant - John Warren, Ph.D. - Masquerade Books, Inc.
Chapter 5, page 67
A dominant must provide an environment where a submissive can allow her trust to grow. The submissive must take the trust she's been given and keep it safely within her care, as well. Both have to actively participate in its development and both have to contribute their fair share of it to the relationship.

Trust is a two way street, just like communication. We take tiny baby steps at first. We watch and listen to what takes place as a result of that step. If we wobbled, did someone reach out to support us? If we fell, did a kind hand wipe away the tears and gets us back on our feet? If we made two big steps, did someone recognize that effort and reward it? And...if we look over to the side, is someone taking those same steps with us? No one can trust alone. No one can build trust without giving of themselves. No one can trust without taking risks. No one can be trusted without proving themselves trustworthy.

We have to look to the future in the relationship also. Do we trust the other person has been honest in their commitment to it? Do we have faith in them to keep their end of the bargain? Do we have confidence and hope that they have our best interests in their heart? Can we be trusted with all of those same things?

Sounds like hard work? It is. It's the hardest part of any relationship. It takes daily effort to trust and learn to be trusted. You can't do one without the other. Promises won't make it happen, however, keeping promises will. Trust = a simple act of faith + confidence in the future. You can be tied, blindfolded, have all your senses taken away but you cannot have your trust TAKEN. You must give it to your partner and they must earn it....not once, but everyday of your lives together. You owe them the same...one baby step at a time...together.



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I'm still looking for the story that she wrote that struck me so deeply.... it related the experience of being at the pool one day. She and Lord Colm were sitting in the sun and he noticed her watching the people taking turns on the high dive. He told her that he would like her to jump for him. She began to be nervous and have a bit of a panic and he slowed her down. Explained that he did not mean right now, he did not mean this minute, but eventually. You see... she had a pretty decent fear of the water. She could swim, but never enjoyed being in over her head. She preferred her feet planted firmly on the ground. He knew this. He had reasons. So they began to go to the pool regulalrly that summer. In the beginning he stood in the pool and asked her to do the thing that we all imagine when a small child learns to swim... "jump to me, I'll catch you." It might have seemed silly for a grown ass woman to learn to do that, but there is a REASON you do that with little children. It builds that trust in a safe and effective way. As long as the "catcher" is indeed paying attention and WORTHY OF TRUST then they really can't fail.

She soon graduated to jumping from the edge into the deep end. Over the summer she worked her way to the low dive, and then finally the high dive.

She described the experience of climbing up the ladder, every few rungs looking at him for reassurance. He said not a word... he did not come to stand at the bottom of the ladder... he knew she could do this, but he was watching constantly.





Yes, this is a perfect allegory for so much of our D/s relationships. One of the reasons it hurts SO DEEPLY when someone proves untrustworthy is because it seems like all of the work that was put in before that fail was for naught. It is all, in an instant erased.



It is downright angering to look at all of the work that was put in establishing the trust and throw your hands up in despair and say "It isnt WORTH this aggravation" or "I'm too old for this shit!" or any one of a million other things that flash through your mind.



We have to remember that just like Edison... every failure is a lesson. You have to use wisdom to determine if this breech of trust deserves to take you back 1 step, 10 steps, or wipe the slate clean. Only with true thought and consideration can you make that determination. We are all human, we fuck up. We look away. We burn the dinner because we got absorbed in an email. We accidentally let our mouth run when we should have been quiet. We walk out of the house forgetting to log our of our damn email account leaving other's information there for the taking. It happens.

Was it a one time occurrence?

Did the person who broke our trust apologise, admit their failing openly and without attempt to make excuses? Did they give us reasonable opportunity to express our feelings? Did they make a strong case for how they will prevent this from happening again? Did they do whatever they could to minimize the fallout for us? or do theyfall short there too? Once? Twice? Habitually?

https://youtu.be/WOyIJVUaoeg

Then we come back to Innocence. If it is the case that this person is truly not trustworthy and you do have to pack up your toys and say "No, you CANT play with my barbies anymore because you break my toys!" well.... is it all a loss? No. you learned. You learned to trust. You learned to take as many steps forward as you could before you had to stop. You climbed as high up that ladder as you could at the time and even if you have to walk back down TODAY well... the ladder will be there tomorrow. It will be there in a week. It will be there in a month, a year, a decade. The ladder will be there waiting for you to climb with the partner who will take the time to let you jump into their arms as many times from the side of the pool as you need until you are ready to walk up that ladder again. They will always encourage you to try, but be understanding that you were indeed dropped before so you need that time to see that they mean what they say and they say what they mean... they will be faithful and trustworthy 100%.

https://youtu.be/-oTq-FfOsBk

https://youtu.be/yUKdufSG4tQ

https://youtu.be/n_aVFVveJNs

https://youtu.be/wc3VhvgUtB8

~The Velveteen slave; Faith



https://i.pinimg.com/564x/4e/ed/dc/4eeddccb9bd97db55adc2246a66db9ab.jpg