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A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".
 
A woman asks a carpenter to fix the wardrobe in their house, because when the train is passing by the house, the wardrobe shakes and makes noise. When the carpenter arrives to the house he tells the woman: "I'll go inside the wardrobe and close the door, and when the train passes by I'll check which part of the wardrobe has this problem."

A few minutes later the woman's husband comes home and opens the wardrobe. He sees the carpenter and asks him "What the hell are you doing here?"

The carpenter says: "Will you believe me if I say I'm waiting for the train?"
 
What does an older woman have between her breasts, that a younger woman doesn't?

Her belly button.
 
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
 
A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died...

God and Satan are discussing what to do with him.
God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he can't possibly go to heaven."
Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnation either."

So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted to spend eternity.

In heaven, the politician spends the entire time sitting in a comfortable chair, fighting to stay awake as angels fly above him and classical music plays.
He tells God, "No offense, but I didn't really find heaven enjoyable."
God simply nods and points him in the direction of hell.

As he enters, women grab him from all angles as party music blares. The politician had the greatest night of his life, dancing the entire time.

"So, what did you decide?" Asked Satan.

"I choose hell, by a long shot!" The politician said.

"Alright," said Satan, and he snapped his fingers.

Suddenly, everything began burning and he saw all his party mates begin to burn and twist in agony.

"What happened to the party? I've been tricked!" The politician yelled.

Satan looked surprised. "I thought you were a politician. You should know all about election day and false promises."
 
A woman complained to a co-worker that she hadn't been on a date in a very long time. The co-worker mentioned that a Chinese doctor had recently opened a sex clinic and she should try him out.

She made an appointment and the doctor asked her what her problem was. "Nobody ever asks me out on a date"

The doctor told her to undress completely and get down on all fours.

"Now crawr away from me rearry fass."

So she crawled across the room away from him really fast. and turned around on the far side of the room.

"Now crawr toward me rearry fass" Which she did.

"You can put crose back on. I see your probrem" "You have bad case of Zachary disease."

"Oh Dear, what is Zachary disease?"

"Is where your face rook zachary rike your ass."
 
The family history of Jack Schitt

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" So, I just researched about his family history for y'all.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chick N. Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
 
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”

She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.”

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”

“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
 
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"
 
A man just back from a long trip through the tropics starts feeling very unwell. He goes to see his doctor, but passes out in the office and is rushed to hospital for tests.

The man wakes up alone in a private room, feeling awful, wondering what is happening to him. Soon, a phone by his bed rings:

"This is your doctor. We have the results of your tests. You have an extremely nasty syndrome called BASE. It's a Save me, Doc

A man just back from a long trip through the tropics starts feeling very unwell. He goes to see his doctor, but passes out in the office and is rushed to hospital for tests.

The man wakes up alone in a private room, feeling awful, wondering what is happening to him. Soon, a phone by his bed rings:

"This is your doctor. We have the results of your tests. You have an extremely nasty syndrome called BASE. It's a co-infection of Bird Flu, Anthrax, SARS and Ebola."

"Oh my god! ...What's going to happen, Doctor?"

"First we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, Fruit Leather and wafers."

"And that'll help me???"

"Not really, but… it's the only food we can fit under the door." of Bird Flu, Anthrax, SARS and Ebola."

"Oh my god! ...What's going to happen, Doctor?"

"First we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, Fruit Leather and wafers."

"And that'll help me???"

"Not really, but… it's the only food we can fit under the door."
 
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