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A husband and wife had a fight.

Wife called her mom: "He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you."

Mom: "No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!"
 
RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE --


One day while going to the store I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass!

Of course I thought this was a bit unusual, but I continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies still lying naked there on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

"Do you know there are six elderly ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," she said.

I asked, "Well, can you tell me what that's all about...?"

She answered, "'It's easy. They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale."
 
John is a mailman in a small town. Everyone in the town knows him. Today he is retiring.

Every house he went to, families were greeting him and congratulating him. Most game him gifts. Flowers, cards, presents ... until he got to the last house on his final route.

A woman came to the door stark naked. She quietly took him upstairs and made sweet passionate love to him for hours until they passed out.

The next morning, she hurried downstairs and made him a huge breakfast. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, and hash browns. She served it to him in bed with a one dollar bill under the plate.

John looked up and said, "This has been amazing and I am stunned and thankful but ... why the dollar?"

The woman replied, "I asked my husband what we should get you for your retirement before he went on a business trip. He said 'Fuck him. Give a buck....Breakfast was my idea."
 
Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Inside the room were two chairs. "Now sit down in these chairs," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says we should sit down in these chairs," replied George. So George and Ted sat down in the chairs.

The photographer pulled out her camera and pointed it at the birthday brothers. "Now let me focus," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to focus," replied George.

"Wow!" exclaimed Ted. "Both of us at the same time?"
 
A married couple have just moved to a new neighbourhood. They have a wonderful sex life. Every night the neighbours hear their moans and screams of lust.

One day the wife heared someone knocking on their door. She opened to find a shy woman who is living nextdoor. After a few minutes of talking she asks her: What's your secret? I never heared neither a woman nor a man scream of joy like this!

The wife told her it's simple: I lie down on the bed and open my legs wide then my husband stands over/above the wardrobe and jumps aiming for my pussy. The woman liked the idea and decided to do it with her boyfriend.

That night the married couple heared terrible screams of pain and agony of a man coming from the nextdoor woman's house.

The next morning the wife hurried to her neighbour's house to ask her about those screams. The woman said while sobbing "his balls got tangled up in the chandelier"
 
There's this married couple, and the wife is tired of having sex only in the missionary style, so she tells her husband, "Go hang out with your friends, talk to them, listen to their ideas about different sex styles, and then come home to me."
The husband goes in the neighbourhood, talks to his buddies, gets enlightened, and comes home all hyped up. "Woman! Woman! Come here, I learned a different style today, so let's try it!"

The wife is really happy that her husband learned it so fast, so they proceed to the bedroom and have sex. "But, this was missionary.......", says the wife. "No, no", replies the husband, "this is carpenter style, didn't you see the pencil behind my ear?"
 
Two neighborhood ladies were chatting over the fence.

Suddenly, one of them says, "OMG, my husband will be home in a minute. I must rush home and make his dinner". She runs into the house and grabs the first thing she sees, a can of dog food.Sticks it in the micro-wave, heats it up and places it before him just in time for his dinner.

Next day she's telling the neighbour what she did. Neighbour says, "you shouldn't feed him dog-food, its not good for humans". Wife replies, "No, he loves it"

Same thing happens the next day, and the next. After a week she's chatting to the neighbour and tells her that her husband just died. "Oh", says the neighbour, "I told you that dog-food would kill him"

Other lady replies, "Oh no, it wasn't the dog food. He was sitting in the middle of the road licking his balls when a car ran over him."
 
A bus carrying many ugly people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven."

The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish.

The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh.

The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder.

One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs.
When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?"

The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
 
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