Lit🌎World ©️ sunny 🌞 days 1 thread her thread

[SunnyDays1]

A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you mind if I just performed a few tests on you to make sure you haven't been drinking? If you pass, I'll get you on your way," says the officer.

"I'll save you the time!" the man says. "COULD A DRUNK GUY DO THIS?" and he bends over and lets out 3 loud farts, then pisses himself.

The officer nods, "Absolutely, a drunk guy could definitely do that."

"Sorry," says the man, "that was supposed to be a backflip."

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://typicalstudent.org/uploads/images/2019/02/memes-for-dirty-minds-08.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

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[SunnyDays1]

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats and appear naked to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the lady of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”

“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.

“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer.

“Well, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.

 

[SunnyDays1]

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $1,80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $1,80,000 mortgage.

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://i.redd.it/z4m8i3sh1vp21.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

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[SunnyDays1]

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[SunnyDays1]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"How's that?" he asks. She says, "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."

 

[SunnyDays1]

 

[SunnyDays1]

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[SunnyDays1]

https://images.boredomfiles.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/02-thanksgiving-fails.gif

 

[SunnyDays1]

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[SunnyDays1]

A radio station ran a contest for listeners to pick English words that are no longer in use but should be brought back. A caller called...


Hi, my name is Dave

Hi Dave. What's your word?

Goan, spelt G O A N

Ok it's not in the dictionary. How do we use this?

Goan fuck yourself

DJ cuts the call and took other calls, all unsuccessful until..

Hi 98fm what's your name?

I'm Jeff

Hi Jeff, what's your word?

Smee

Smee? How do you spell it?

S M E E

How do you use it in a sentence?

Smee again. Goan fuck yourself!

 

[SunnyDays1]

A German Coast Guard was working his first shift as a radio dispatcher when a boat got into trouble.

Sailor: "Mayday, Mayday! Can anybody hear me?"

Operator: "Ah hallo. Zis is ze German Coast Guard. I can hear you."

Sailor: "This is Mayday! We are sinking! I repeat. We are sinking!!"

Operator: "Ah, Okay. So..... vot are you sinking about?"

 

[SunnyDays1]

A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.

Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.

The first cop shouted “What the hell, man” as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.

“No offense,” the kidnapper responded as he ran away.

“Nun taken!” the officer reported into his radio.

 

[SunnyDays1]

An 80 year old man sees a hot young lady in the store. He approaches her and says "I don't mean this to sound like a pickup line, but you look familiar. Are you a doctor?"

The young lady says "yes sir I am, I'm a urologist".

The old man says "oh yeah I went to you 10 years ago because me and the wife were having issues in the bedroom, I was having trouble standing at attention and then you gave me the miracle pill"

"Viagra?" Said the young woman.

The old man said yes "it worked amazing I felt 50 years younger and it worked even better than that stuff Jesse Ventura uses".

The young lady said "how's your wife doing?"

The old man said "who?"

The young lady said, "your wife, how does she like the new you?"

The old man says "I don't know I haven't been home in 10 years".

 

[SunnyDays1]

 

[SunnyDays1]

http://www.commonsenseevaluation.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Irish-Flu-Shots.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

A lieutenant gets some bad news for a recruit.

He takes the drill sergeant aside and asks him to convey to Private Smith that his grandma passed away 2 days ago but to break the news gently.

The drill sergeant gets the recruits in formation and says “If both of your grandmothers are still alive, step forward! As some of the recruits begin to move, he yells “Not so fast, Private Smith!”

 

[SunnyDays1]

Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the local bar on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

 

[SunnyDays1]

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TXE0zujfT90/U43bNlosKYI/AAAAAAACI2o/VSoCN5kAAwY/s1600/Random+humor+00021.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://smithbeachwood.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/womenshoppingmap.jpg%3Fw%3D480%26h%3D360

 

[SunnyDays1]

Bombs and Berries

Back Story: During World War 2, it was super cold in Nazi Germany. The American troops were told if they were ever in a rough situation, to look for frozen squirrels at the base of trees. Then place the frozen squirrel between their thighs (the warmest part of the body) to warm it up. The squirls would be so grateful for the rescue, they would scurry off and find some of its little squirrely stashed food, and share it with the rescuer.

A news reporter interviewed surviving veterans, and one told his story.
"We were flying back home, when the plane was shot down. There were others that survived the crash, but not for long. I heard the enemy approaching, so I ran. I didn't know where I was for 3 months. I didn't have any food, and I wasn't prepared. But what kept me alive was the briefing we received when we had first arrived. I looked under at least 100 trees, before I found my first squirrel​. He ran off after I unfroze him, and I didn't think I would see him again. After the first one I knew what sort of tree to look for, and unfroze about 6-7 more. By the end of the week I was eating like a king, with 16 tiny hands bringing me berries, and little sweet shrubs. Now don't get me wrong I never want to do that again, but those furry little angels kept me alive during a harsh German winter."

But not everyone was so happy about the squirrels. Another veteran stated "The only thing those damn rodents gave me, was frozen nuts".

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://i.chzbgr.com/original/4008858368/hE603C200/