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A man steps into a confessional

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned!"

"Speak my child, tell me your sins."

"Well you see, a lady asked me to help her out with moving her furniture, and then it started to rain, so she told me to stay, apparently she didn't want me to get wet. And so I stayed, and fucked her."

"Go on."

"Well, then my best friend called me over to play some smash, we played for a bit, and then it was time for me to leave, but then it started raining. So, he told me to stay over and eat some pizza with him. Well... I fucked him too!"

"I see."

"So Father, how do I redeem myself?"

"By running off from here before it starts raining, in the name of our lord and saviour."
 
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something."

So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.

The horse came in seventh.
 
A guy suddenly let out a big fart nearby a 4th grade class road trip to a historical war landmark.

A young kid who happened to hear it got close to the guy and asked him "Sir, what was that?"

The guy, sweating nervously tried to invent a lie "Errrr, see kid... that was... the cannon of the historical park nearby, that was, er... announcing that it's five o' clock, yeah!"

There was a long pause, the kid then replied.

"Well then, you should better synchronize your ass-hole cuz it's actually seven minutes to five."
 
Last Christmas was traumatising for me...

I was up until late. I lit up the fire in the fireplace. I didn't extinguish the fire and I fell asleep while reading a book...when I heard screams, I opened my eyes.

Let me tell ya...it is traumatic to hear Santa Claus go from "ho ho ho" to "ho-holy shit!"
 
A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.

Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.

"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.

Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.

"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.

The genie shook his head.

"I can't fulfill that wish."

The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"

The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"
 
Mommy mosquito to baby mosquito after his first flight "How did it go son?"

Baby mosquito "it was great mom, everyone was clapping!"
 
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