LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Lit🌎World ©️ sunny 🌞 days 1 thread her thread

A husband and wife were out Christmas shopping in a busy shopping
centre just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her
husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on the
mobile and asked " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "Do you remember the jewellers that we went into about 10 years
ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? And although I
couldn’t afford it at the time and I told you that one day I would get
it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well, I am in the Golf shop next door to that."
 
For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationships as I grew older, after all, what girlfriend would want to sit in their boyfriend's mom's house watching endless episodes of Pigeon Street on video? At the embarrassingly late age of twenty-seven however, I DID find a girlfriend with similar interests. A bird lover herself, she used to think the cooing noises I made were cute. We dated for some years, fell deeply in love and eventually married (she gave me a pair of homing pigeons as a wedding gift, how cool is that?)

It wasn't all plain sailing though, after the first couple of years my love of pigeons began affecting me psychologically - cooing involuntarily, bobbing my head as I strutted around, even naming our daughter pigeonella - and our marriage begun crumbling.

A few months later and she could take no more. She scooped our daughter up in her arms, smashed a loaf of bread in my face, screaming "Here!!! I hope you and your flying rats will be very happy together!!!" and stormed out of my door and out of my life.

That was six months ago now, and I'm still pecking up the pieces.
 
Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.

Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that but nothing happens.

The groom calls his mother back again and asks what to do now?

She says that they should take off their clothes, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.

They follow her advice but still nothing.

He calls his mother again. By the time she is getting frustrated, and says, "Listen dumbass! Just take the biggest thing you've got and stick it in her hairiest spot!"

The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "Okay, so I've got my nose in her armpit ---- now what?"
 
Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They get to the dive site when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word! So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come diving this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "diving or sex," and she said, wear sun-block!
 
A guy, who is not very well endowed, unfortunately is getting married in a week and he’s freaking out...

He’s so embarrassed by the diminutive size of his member, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.
The wedding night comes and out of desperation, he sneaks a large pickle into bed- and successfully gets through the night. As a matter of fact- that’s how he gets through the next several years until one night, his wife grows suspicious. So on goes the bedside lamp and back go the covers and there it is.

She looks at him and says- “You son of a bitch! You mean to tell me you’ve been using a PICKLE on me for the last eight years of our marriage?!?”

He looks at her pleadingly- “Okay... okay... you got me. But before you judge me too harshly- I never said ONE WORD when the kids came along!”
 
Two recently married men go to a drink. One of them tells he has a problem, that his new wife is too dominant in bed.

The second man tells: "You are very lucky, every man would want to be in your position."

First man: "You do not understand I can barely sleep 2 hours each night."

Second man: "I do not see any problem with that, you are a very fortunate man."

First man: "No, you still do not understand, she is not dominant sexually in bed, she is dominant while asleep, she pulls all the blanket and pushes me off the bed."
 
A man is getting a divorce with his wife

The man sits down with his daughter to break the news to her. The daughter is visibly upset and asks why.

The man explains gently, “Your mother and I don’t love each other anymore honey.”

“What does love mean dad?”, the daughter asks.

“Well, an example of love is when you come home from work and your wife is excited to see you”, the man replies.

“But dad, mom gets excited lots of times right when you come home!”

The man is surprised. “When has she ever gotten excited?”

“Well, whenever mom hears your car while she is in the bedroom with uncle, she always screams, ‘my husband’s home, he’s here!’”
 
Last edited:
A nun, badly in need of a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversations and every once in a while, the lights would go out.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt in cheers.

The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, “may I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the restroom.

While the nun was in the bathroom the place erupted in cheers louder than normal, but the nun thought nothing of it.

When the nun exited the restroom, the bartender said, “didn’t expect that!” and clapped the nun on the back.

The nun asked, “what do you mean?” with a puzzled look on her face as the bartender offered her a drink.

“Well,” the bartender replied, “the lights only blink when someone checks behind the fig leaf!”
 
Merry Christmas, My Friend

Merry Christmas, My Friend

By James M. Schmidt, a Marine Lance Corporal
stationed in Washington, D.C., in 1986


Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of plaster & stone.

I had come down the chimney, with presents to give
and to see just who in this home did live

As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.

With medals and badges, awards of all kind,
a sobering thought soon came to my mind.
For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen.
This was the home of a U.S. Marine.

I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more,
so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.

He seemed so gentle, his face so serene,
Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.
Was this the hero, of whom I’d just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.
I soon understood, this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night,
owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.

Soon around the Nation, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year,
because of Marines like this one lying here.

I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone,
on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.

He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice,
"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my Corps."

With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I watched him for hours, so silent and still.
I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.

Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold,
with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.

I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night,
this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure,
said "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day, all secure."

One look at my watch and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.
 
Twas The Night Before a Soldier’s Christmas (Army Version)


A Christmas poem courtesy of Lance Corporal James M. Schmidt:


attachment.php



‘Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down his chimney with presents to give,
And to see just who in this home did live.
I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stocking by mantle, just boots filled with sand,
And on the wall pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sobering thought came to my mind.
For this house was different, so dark and so dreary,
The home of a soldier, now I could see clearly.

The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I’d just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?

I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight.
Soon around the world, the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here.

I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas eve in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
“Santa don’t cry, this life is my choice;

I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more,
My life is my God, my country, my corps.”
The soldier rolled over and soon drifted to sleep,
I couldn’t control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still,
And we both shivered from the cold evening’s chill.

I didn’t want to leave on that cold, dark night,
This guardian of honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, “Carry on Santa, it’s Christmas day, all is secure.”
One look at my watch, and I knew he was right.
“Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night.”
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

FreyaGersemi
Virtual Literotica Convention 2026 Author Challenge Official Support Thread
Replies
20
Views
623
Lifestyle66
L
ChloeTzang
Heroism - The Oggbashan Memorial Event 2026 Support Thread
Replies
3
Views
398
Kumquatqueen
Kumquatqueen
Annisthyrienne
  • Locked
The Story Idea Exchange Thread
Replies
5
Views
724
Annisthyrienne
Annisthyrienne
Fingerfuxs
Lit🌎World ©️🏴‍☠️ yes 🧑‍🍳 🍽️ !! Chef
6 7 8
Replies
181
Views
24K
Tessinwales
Tessinwales
FreyaGersemi
Virtual Literotica Convention 2025 Author Challenge Official Support Thread
9 10 11
Replies
253
Views
11K
FreyaGersemi
FreyaGersemi
Back
Top