Moving on after a bad breakup

[Setanta84]

I just got out of a pretty damaging relationship.

She went from idealizing me--"You are the love of my life.--to tearing me down/devaluing me--"You're too ugly for anyone else to want"--before discarding me.

At the end of it, when it was clear things were coming to an end, I ended up fucking a 19-year-old theater student just to prove to myself that I wasn't what she was now saying. And that was super unsatisfying--probably because I was in a horrible mental space during it.

It's not hard for me to get casual sex. And a few offers have come up since things officially ended with Lucifer. But I'm kind of nervous about it--worried it might be a repeat of the experience with the teenager.

Anyone have any advice on how you know you're ready to get out there again after an extremely abusive relationship?

 

[BubblyBookworm]

I just got out of a pretty damaging relationship.

She went from idealizing me--"You are the love of my life.--to tearing me down/devaluing me--"You're too ugly for anyone else to want"--before discarding me.

At the end of it, when it was clear things were coming to an end, I ended up fucking a 19-year-old theater student just to prove to myself that I wasn't what she was now saying. And that was super unsatisfying--probably because I was in a horrible mental space during it.

It's not hard for me to get casual sex. And a few offers have come up since things officially ended with Lucifer. But I'm kind of nervous about it--worried it might be a repeat of the experience with the teenager.

Anyone have any advice on how you know you're ready to get out there again after an extremely abusive relationship?

I hope things better for you soon!!

 

[INeedLove]

I just got out of a pretty damaging relationship.

She went from idealizing me--"You are the love of my life.--to tearing me down/devaluing me--"You're too ugly for anyone else to want"--before discarding me.

At the end of it, when it was clear things were coming to an end, I ended up fucking a 19-year-old theater student just to prove to myself that I wasn't what she was now saying. And that was super unsatisfying--probably because I was in a horrible mental space during it.

It's not hard for me to get casual sex. And a few offers have come up since things officially ended with Lucifer. But I'm kind of nervous about it--worried it might be a repeat of the experience with the teenager.

Anyone have any advice on how you know you're ready to get out there again after an extremely abusive relationship?

Sorry to hear about the negative ending of your relationship. Was it recent? The pain of being abused will take time to heal. Do you think you'd be willing to seek counseling? It can be very helpful. However a good counselor will want you to poke and prod the wounds to learn from them and heal. Short of that, give yourself plenty of time before jumping into the dating scene especially while you are afraid of repeating mistakes. You need to be in a better head space to start a new relationship. Big hugs!!!

 

[Setanta84]

Sorry to hear about the negative ending of your relationship. Was it recent? The pain of being abused will take time to heal. Do you think you'd be willing to seek counseling? It can be very helpful. However a good counselor will want you to poke and prod the wounds to learn from them and heal. Short of that, give yourself plenty of time before jumping into the dating scene especially while you are afraid of repeating mistakes. You need to be in a better head space to start a new relationship. Big hugs!!!

It had been unraveling for months. Trust was basically gone. Everything she said felt like a lie. But I didn't have any proof beyond the feeling. And I was in this horrible space for eight months where half of me strongly suspected she was a liar and cheater and the other half was just madly in love with her.

Then, right after she said she had, emotionally, moved on, the college student thing happened, I told her about it, she guilted me about it mercilessly--and then I got PROOF she was cheating three weeks prior to that when she announced she was going to break things off completely and see someone else.

That was the moment the mask completely slipped for me. (Like all pathological liars, it slipped every now and again for a moment but that just caused disorientation that helped with the long-term deception.) I realized she was not just lying and cheating she was INTENTIONALLY hurting me.

The proof came over Facebook last Saturday.

 

[Fierywhore]

Social Media is a bitch. Hope you move on quickly and realise it was not your problem, as much as hers

Be true to yourself always...hugs and xxx

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I'm very sorry to hear this, Setana. I agree with INL. A good therapist will give you the right toolbox so you can handle the negatives with a positive attitude.

Casual sex is difficult all around, in my opinion. I know
Give yourself time before jumping in again.

 

[respeito]

Hi, Setanta84.

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. No one deserves to be devalued or disrespected. You're an individual and should be treated as such.

I think knowing when you're ready to get "out there" will come from your own self-awareness. Right now, you're probably hurting, stimulus hungry, so you're looking to fill the emotional / physical void any way you can.

It's possible that the fact that you had sex with the 19-year old was nothing more than a way to boost your confidence...and if that's true, you're probably not ready to date just yet because you're just not in a good space at the moment.

I think it's important to take some time for yourself: gain some understanding and clarity so that you'll be open/accepting of someone you want to have in your life.

One day, when you aren't even thinking about it, you will come to accept the situation that brought your bad relationship to an end. That's when you'll know that you've moved on and that you're ready.

Give yourself some time. Take care of you.

Good luck and be golden.

 

[INeedLove]

It had been unraveling for months. Trust was basically gone. Everything she said felt like a lie. But I didn't have any proof beyond the feeling. And I was in this horrible space for eight months where half of me strongly suspected she was a liar and cheater and the other half was just madly in love with her.

Then, right after she said she had, emotionally, moved on, the college student thing happened, I told her about it, she guilted me about it mercilessly--and then I got PROOF she was cheating three weeks prior to that when she announced she was going to break things off completely and see someone else.

That was the moment the mask completely slipped for me. (Like all pathological liars, it slipped every now and again for a moment but that just caused disorientation that helped with the long-term deception.) I realized she was not just lying and cheating she was INTENTIONALLY hurting me.

The proof came over Facebook last Saturday.

She sounds manipulative and unhappy. On a level, it may be good that you have proof or you might still be in her web of deceit. Not everyone will lie and cheat on you. There are good women out there and someone is waiting for you to heal so you can join with her. Leaving warm smiles.

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

I just got out of a pretty damaging relationship.

She went from idealizing me--"You are the love of my life.--to tearing me down/devaluing me--"You're too ugly for anyone else to want"--before discarding me.

At the end of it, when it was clear things were coming to an end, I ended up fucking a 19-year-old theater student just to prove to myself that I wasn't what she was now saying. And that was super unsatisfying--probably because I was in a horrible mental space during it.

It's not hard for me to get casual sex. And a few offers have come up since things officially ended with Lucifer. But I'm kind of nervous about it--worried it might be a repeat of the experience with the teenager.

Anyone have any advice on how you know you're ready to get out there again after an extremely abusive relationship?

I was in a similar situation years ago. I was in a bad relationship with a girl I was living with. It started normal, then little by little it got worse. The way she'd talk to be was really hurtful. Tell me what an awful person I was. Tell me stuff like "You know my family hates you". She knew all the things to say to get under my skin and hurt me. More then once she'd reduce me to tears. It got worse and worse.

It finally escalated with her one day telling me "You know what? I'm glad Columbine happened." (This was around when the school shooting happened) Followed by her viciously punching me and me eventually having to wrestle a knife away from her. She later told me she was trying to "teach me a lesson".

I didn't realize how bad it was until I told people things she said or did. I came to understand that she was truly a very, very messed up person that needed professional help. *I* was never the problem. Once I realized and accepted that it made it easier.

The weird thing too is how people react to a guy that's the one being abused in a relationship. People would laugh at my stories. Or I'd get called a pussy for not being able to "handle my woman". It's kind of fucked up when you get down to it.

but anyway...

I tell you all this to tell you that it takes time to move past things like this. You have to take time to get your head straight. But don't isolate. Get out and hang with friends. Actual good friends that always make you laugh. Have a fun fling or two, but don't use people, that's not cool. Go see lots of movies, go check out lots of live music, etc. Whatever your thing is. Because that's amazing revenge, having a great time moving on. Over time you'll stop hurting and maybe even forget a little.

I wish you the best of luck, buddy. This shit won't last forever.

 

[Setanta84]

I was in a similar situation years ago. I was in a bad relationship with a girl I was living with. It started normal, then little by little it got worse . . .

Thanks for this. With you, did it start out intense and amazing or start out like a normal relationship and then just kind of gradually shift into that?

With this, it was fast and intense. We were engage within a year of knowing each other.

The thing that is hard now--in addition to feeling like an idiot--is wondering what, if anything, about the good parts were true.

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

Thanks for this. With you, did it start out intense and amazing or start out like a normal relationship and then just kind of gradually shift into that?

With this, it was fast and intense. We were engage within a year of knowing each other.

The thing that is hard now--in addition to feeling like an idiot--is wondering what, if anything, about the good parts were true.

It was a pretty gradual shift. The first month everything was fun and normal then one day she snapped. Then we moved past it. Then she snapped again. Then it got regular. Then it got worse and worse until the end.

I know exactly what you're feeling. It's like the good parts just get cancelled out by the bad parts. Know what though? You'll reach a point where you meet someone and it'll be real and awesome and you'll forget this crazy chick who was awful to you ever existed. I honestly don't know how long it'll take for you to move on. For me it too quite awhile. But when you do move on you'll feel empowered and stronger for it.

 

[Setanta84]

This song is really speaking to me these days. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsovdtBgz3Q

 

[Setanta84]

Well, I guess I no longer have to torture myself over what was and wasn't real in the relationship.

She made a big deal about shutting down her OKC page the second we started dating. Today, I found out she was hitting up contacts developed there for sex through Skype, Facebook, and texting the entire time she was seeing me.

I swear to God, I am dumping the next woman who accuses me of cheating for no reason the second that shit leaves her mouth. People tell us their bad intentions if you just listen to them closely.

 

[Doog_kuron]

I'm sorry about what happened to you, any break up is a rough experience. I've had more than my fair share of break ups. Luckily none of them has come at me with a knife. At worst a few horrible things were said in the moment but that's about it. I still love and care about each and every one, and it never leaves me. The whole forget it and move on thing, plenty of fish in the sea etc etc etc doesn't help me a jot. I suppose it's akin to mourning.

I've heard a variety of advice that's supposed to help. Taking the time to do the things you enjoy, getting out the house, hanging with friends etc. I guess staying at home and eating your body weight in ice cream is okay after the initial shock and loss, but I wouldmt advise you adopt it as a life style. I'm dealing with a loss too at the moment and my go to solution is wine. A lot of it. But after I'm over the shock I'll get back to training and feeling a bit better about myself.

Best of luck.

 

[Setanta84]

Thanks, guys. At this point, I'm kind of blaming myself. The entire reason I asked her to marry me is that 1) I was stupid enough to believe we were happy together and 2) she kept saying weird things that I took as clumsily dropped hints. Like asking me what I would think if she took my last name.

Later, she said getting engaged was a mistake--OH REALLY?!!? I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED--and that she was just complimenting my name. At the time, I thought she was just emotionally gaslighting me and trying to walk the whole engagement thing back.

But I'm starting to see this as a rare truthful moment for her. I now know she had a history of fraud I didn't know about when we got together. And what is fraud if not taking something that isn't yours and claiming it as your own? That's basically what she wanted to do with the name. It had nothing to do with marriage.

 

[Siren_Smiles]

It sounds like you really dodged a bullet by getting away. Keep a safe distance and spend some time doing things you enjoy. Music, hobbies, writing, the gym, hanging out with understanding friends. Try to keep yourself busy but cry or scream when you need to, it's cathartic.
*hugs* hang in there. It gets better.

 

[Setanta84]

I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck her angle was. She didn't get much money out of me, she's OK with inflating her CV--another warning sign I missed--so she didn't need a plausible job recommendation, we split most of our bills evenly.

The only thing I can think of is it's the deception itself. She gets off on that.

 

[Setanta84]

I'm struggling with how to deal with everything that is coming to light now that I'm out of her orbit and looking at and into things.

I've had bad relationships before. I've had relationships that ended earlier than I'd like. I've had love unreturned before. I've had great sex partners leave before.

I've never dealt with a relationship that was a total fraud.

She told me she loved me. She met my family. She lived with me. She got engaged to me. She was the best lover I've ever had--and I believed, at the time, it was due to our love for each other.

I desperately want to believe at least parts of that were based in some true feeling of love and affection.

And the nagging realization that it was likely all absolutely false, on top of the abuse during the bad parts, makes me feel stupid and gullible on top of rejected and heartbroken.

 

[tiny_tits]

I prescribe to the George Costanza rule:
"if every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right"

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

I'm so sorry you're going through what you're going through. Cheaters just make me fucking sick.

Move on and be stronger for it, brother. You're better than this bullshit.

 

[Setanta84]

You know, now that I realize what she is, all the warning signs were there.

Love bombing: She was bombarding me with praise and affection before we even went on a date. "You are too cool for this place and certainly too smart."

She moved fast: She had NO interest in dating, she wanted a "committed" and "monogamous" relationship with me right off the bat.

She was extremely sexual: She was sending me nude photos and sexting me after our first conversation.

She wanted to isolate me: Talking about the relationship to others was a sign of "disrespect."

She faked illness for attention.

She played the victim a lot.

She constantly threatened to leave me for eight months before discarding me the second she got a new source of supply.

 

[Doog_kuron]

Oh she sounds like a keeper!

I don't know, we're all different shades of crazy. All have messed up childhoods, screwed up relationships and something akin to pianos falling on our heads. You only have to look at some of the more...ahem...creative fetishes men and women have on this site to see that.

I don't think anyone is necessarily evil, least most people, just people's crazy and slightly warped views of themselves and others. For instance I know one person who'd say I was about the most amazing guy you could ever meet, whilst another I know would happily bury me in a shallow grave.

I think the best any of us can hope for is find a kind of crazy we can live with and be happy with. The rest we sort of figure out as we go along. To all those hurting, I hope you all find the right kind of crazy for you

 

[ElasticMermaid]

I know its hard, but try not to focus on "evidence" and revelations of betrayals. That stuff can just make you crazy.

Acknowledge that the relationship was not right for a number of reasons. Take a little time to mourn the "might have beens" and focus in yourself. Look inward.

Also, it's a little funny that you are surprised sex with a teenager wasn't satisfying. Duh! (Says the bitter old lady.) ;-)

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

I know its hard, but try not to focus on "evidence" and revelations of betrayals. That stuff can just make you crazy.

Acknowledge that the relationship was not right for a number of reasons. Take a little time to mourn the "might have beens" and focus in yourself. Look inward.

Also, it's a little funny that you are surprised sex with a teenager wasn't satisfying. Duh! (Says the bitter old lady.) ;-)

Lol if you're an old lady I must be ancient. (I'm 38)

But yeah don't focus on truth and revelations. That shit will drive you mad. Just concentrate on moving on.

 

[cowslinger64]

I'm glad to see you getting lots of support and good advice.. There are some fine people here.

You'll probably ride the roller-coaster for a bit, and that's OK. Just don't give that rotten skank too much free space and time in your mind... You know she isn't worth it..

You know what they say... The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.