Polyamory - Extending your family
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Richard49
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My experence
I have lived in 2 poly marrages
I have had several additional poly relationships
In the 70s and early 80s I was involved in the poly community
My point is.......
U got questions
I may have answers
and yes I am also part of the BDSM D/s community
I have lived in 2 poly marrages
I have had several additional poly relationships
In the 70s and early 80s I was involved in the poly community
My point is.......
U got questions
I may have answers
and yes I am also part of the BDSM D/s community
pipercatt
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Re: Harad Experiment
I heard that the movie was downright awful, I don't even know if I could find it anywhere to view it if I wanted to.
But the book was something. I loved the flavor of it, reading how the characters felt during the experiment, how they changed their perceptions. It was very real, and I identified with a lot of their feelings.
But what surprised me most of all was the author's descriptions on what was the main causes of marital break ups back then (in the 50's). It's basically the same reasons as now. Ok, so I am young, but it just never occured to me that what would cause a marriage to fail back then would be basically the same reasons as a lot of marriages nowadays. Lack of communication, telling or sharing of desires and wants, jealousy, money, etc. As I write it, I know how lame it sounds, but I guess I just can't express it the way I thought it when the lightbulb clicked in my brain.
Thoughts, anyone?
Richard49 said:
I heard that the movie was downright awful, I don't even know if I could find it anywhere to view it if I wanted to.
But the book was something. I loved the flavor of it, reading how the characters felt during the experiment, how they changed their perceptions. It was very real, and I identified with a lot of their feelings.
But what surprised me most of all was the author's descriptions on what was the main causes of marital break ups back then (in the 50's). It's basically the same reasons as now. Ok, so I am young, but it just never occured to me that what would cause a marriage to fail back then would be basically the same reasons as a lot of marriages nowadays. Lack of communication, telling or sharing of desires and wants, jealousy, money, etc. As I write it, I know how lame it sounds, but I guess I just can't express it the way I thought it when the lightbulb clicked in my brain.
Thoughts, anyone?
Richard49
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Re: Re: Harad Experiment
I have went through the "read my mind" type relationship with someone for the last 13 years and than a short one that ended last night.
I have a freind that says "we all come into relationship with baggage. The question is do we come in with a suite case or do we need Allied Van lines?"
If we are so numb that we do not know what we are feeling/thinking or worse yet do not even know we are feeling ....
well ..... we are not only going to be unhappy we are going to make the other(s) unhappy.
Harad College was design to awake the students to a whole big world that included there feelings.
pipercatt said:
I have went through the "read my mind" type relationship with someone for the last 13 years and than a short one that ended last night.
I have a freind that says "we all come into relationship with baggage. The question is do we come in with a suite case or do we need Allied Van lines?"
If we are so numb that we do not know what we are feeling/thinking or worse yet do not even know we are feeling ....
well ..... we are not only going to be unhappy we are going to make the other(s) unhappy.
Harad College was design to awake the students to a whole big world that included there feelings.
toysrfun
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navarre said:
This is getting more amazing all the time! I also read the Harrad Experiment in college. I was majoring in Sociology and I actually wrote a paper on what I called extended peer family structures (basically polyamory) versus traditional extended family (generational) and the way each provided support for their group. Very interesting. It would be fun to read that book again.
Toys
Extension for/to whom Richard? How does the extension NOT take something from the primary relationship in terms of time, intimacy, and commitment? i don't understand how one person is able to keep more than one person happy when in most marriages, they can't keep one person happy?
i can't see where being poly in this situation saved Richard's two marriages either. i agree that the biggest problem is lack of communication, but another is selfishness. i have not come across very many people who are emotionally mature enough to do what's right or best for anyone but themselves, which is why i can't see a poly relationship working out any better than a monogamous one...the difference is, both people may already have someone else lined up to keep them warm at night. Piper, it sounds like you and your husband have been lucky/good at carrying out your poly lifestyle...but has there been times when you needed him or vise versa that he couldn't be there because he was committed elsewhere? i was in a bad marriage, so i don't mean to "attack" anyone...i truly would like someone to shed light on my doubts, please.
pipercatt
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jewel_GR said:
Very long post to follow...Raina..You'll like this! (grin)
Ok, I also just read your other post inbetween, expressing more of your feelings on the situation. No, I don't feel like you were attacking, as I have seen this type of reaction before.
I used to hang out in the chat room at www.lovemore.com a lot, when I was learning about polyamory. I got to know a lot of the regulars, and they were very helpful not only to me but to everyone that goes in there, sharing their experience, insights, and giving great advice.
A lot of times people would come in and say, "My S.O. just told me that they were poly, and has fallen in love with someone else. I feel rejected, like I am not good enough. They tell me that they love me as well, but I don't understand it." And many variation on that theme.
I don't pretend to know all the answers, and I've tried to write several different thoughts, but they aren't very clear, and not what I really want to say. Without knowing you, your SO, or his other love, I don't want to make assumptions about what has happened. So I guess I will just go back to what I know, and what's happened in my life, poly-wise. I will try to give a reader's digest version:
I got married a year after high school. I fully admit that I was way too young, didn't really know me, my sexuality, and I didn't feel very good about myself in general. I just knew that I loved my husband, and I knew he loved me, and we would work to make ourselves happy. For the most part we did. But my inability to love myself really hurt the two of us together. I didn't think of myself as sexy or desireable, and even though I knew he did think of me that way, I didn't believe him. In effect, I wouldn't let him love me. Things were tense for quite a long time.
Fast forward a few years. I was travelling a lot on the convention circuit. I was lonely. I found myself alone at a banquet next to a very cute guy, who was openly flirting with me. Why? I had no clue. But I decided to relax and enjoy it. We ended up spending a very pleasant night together, talking, laughing, dancing, and no more than that. I wished I could have that with my husband, and wondered why I couldn't. it became a pattern. I found lots of men that were openly willing to show me how they thought of me. I finally sat down with hubby and asked him why is it that he didn't. And his answer was just what I'd have expected him to say, had I known how I thought of myself. He told me that he'd been trying for years to show me how desireable he thought I was, but I didn't believe him. He didnt know why. But I did. It was because I didn't love myself enough to believe that I could be attractive to anyone. So I had to teach myself to accept and trust that my husband's love was genuine. It was a slow process, and only in learning to like myself, could I do it.
Hubby had also always had more female friends than men friends. That used to bother me a lot. I was jealous. However, as I started to grow to like myself, and trust in Hubby's love for me, those feelings of jealousy faded a bit, until one day the thought hit me, "You know, if hubby ever wanted to be with another person sexually, it wouldn't be the end of us." He freaked when I told him that. He couldn't ever do it. I told him that I wasn't expecting him to run out and start sleeping around. I just wanted to tell him how I felt. I kind of felt proud in myself, I guess. It was definitely a huge turn around in thinking for me.
It was about that time that hubby and I saw something about polyamory on television. I thought it was pretty interesting, and started researching it online. I went to hubby and told him about what I'd found. He wasn't interested at first, and I didn't push it. But he did ponder for awhile, and started to come to me with a bunch of "what-if" scenarios. We sat and talked, and talked, and talked some more. Actually, we discussed it on and off for several months. We decided to try it, slowly at first. Dating, no physical contact, etc. We were building up our trust in ourselves and our situation, testing the waters. Until the time came when hubby said he felt comfortable enough with how things were that we could be intimate with other people if we felt like it. And here we are today. He's got a long term girlfriend, whom I love dearly. I don't have a special someone at the moment, and have in the recent past been more of a person that dates several people at same time, without a whole lot of emotional attachment. Not by choice, I am not avoiding the emotional, but I just haven't found someone that I click with in that way yet.
There are 2 hard and fast rules of Poly that he and I cling to. One is only go as fast as the slowest person wants to go. Speeding through the process only hurts everyone. And the second rule is to communicate, communicate, communicate! And when you think you are all talked out, talk some more! It can be a huge drain to talk heavy a lot, but it's so worth it.
So, Jewel. that's my story. Very different from yours, but I hope it helps somewhat. I can talk more about my feeling with hubby's girlfriend in my next post, but first...I need coffee.
pipercatt
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ok, so I realized that I only talked about how I started on my poly journey in the last post, and not so much about what's happening now.
As I said, I don't have a "steady" otherlove at the moment. But hubby does. No, it's not always a bed of roses when he goes out with her, and I don't happen to have a date of my own. Here's a quicky history on the situation:
She is a close friend of my sister's. She had expressed to my sister that she thought my husband was attractive, to which my sister told her that he and I were in an open marriage. The two of them went out on a couple of dates, and decided that they wanted to become intimate with one another. Circumstances out of their control kept them from "getting together" for a few months, but when they did, they (obviously) had a great time, and wanted to continue the relationship. At the time, she wasn't working, and the 3 of us also spent a lot of time together. She and I became close friends, and their relationship deepened as well. After a month or two, she got a job, and unfortunately wasn't able to spend as much time with the two of us as I would have liked. The free time that she did now have, was pretty much spent alone with my hubby, and I took that rather hard.
However, I knew that I couldn't keep those feeling bottled in. I had to let them know how I felt. I felt bad, because I know that it put a strain on their relationship. I didn't want to make them feel guilty for wanting to be alone together.
It's taken some time, but I think we have a solution that works now for us. He spends one night during the week with her, and one weekend day/night. She and I get together on one of her days off while hubby is at work. The three of us see each other together when we can, which isn't often with all of us having different schedules. And I have days of my own with hubby alone. There have been many bumps along the way, but we know that we have to tell each other about them, and work through them. Communication isn't always easy, even with 3 people working as hard as we do. We just try to relax, work through the occasional tears, etc.
I hope that was more of what you were looking for, Jewel. And if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
Hugs, and much love to you...I do know what you are feeling, hon. At least partially.
As I said, I don't have a "steady" otherlove at the moment. But hubby does. No, it's not always a bed of roses when he goes out with her, and I don't happen to have a date of my own. Here's a quicky history on the situation:
She is a close friend of my sister's. She had expressed to my sister that she thought my husband was attractive, to which my sister told her that he and I were in an open marriage. The two of them went out on a couple of dates, and decided that they wanted to become intimate with one another. Circumstances out of their control kept them from "getting together" for a few months, but when they did, they (obviously) had a great time, and wanted to continue the relationship. At the time, she wasn't working, and the 3 of us also spent a lot of time together. She and I became close friends, and their relationship deepened as well. After a month or two, she got a job, and unfortunately wasn't able to spend as much time with the two of us as I would have liked. The free time that she did now have, was pretty much spent alone with my hubby, and I took that rather hard.
However, I knew that I couldn't keep those feeling bottled in. I had to let them know how I felt. I felt bad, because I know that it put a strain on their relationship. I didn't want to make them feel guilty for wanting to be alone together.
It's taken some time, but I think we have a solution that works now for us. He spends one night during the week with her, and one weekend day/night. She and I get together on one of her days off while hubby is at work. The three of us see each other together when we can, which isn't often with all of us having different schedules. And I have days of my own with hubby alone. There have been many bumps along the way, but we know that we have to tell each other about them, and work through them. Communication isn't always easy, even with 3 people working as hard as we do. We just try to relax, work through the occasional tears, etc.
I hope that was more of what you were looking for, Jewel. And if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
Hugs, and much love to you...I do know what you are feeling, hon. At least partially.
Thanks piper...you make alot of sense and have pretty much summed up why it is i haven't been able to "convert" so-to-speak. No one is going to be able to "will" me into believing in myself, but hopefully will be able to give me the strength to over time. Master tries, just as Your husband has, to give me what i need to grow into that confidence...but it only takes one little instance and i am back my old self again. i hope i am able to come into myself as you have...
Speakeasy
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I'm in the process of re-re-re-editing a novel about a polyamorous D/s relationship in which all live together and enjoy each other... soon I'll start posting chapter by chapter...
It is, as you can imagine, a dream of mine that (unhappily) my wife doesn't share, so it will remain a fantasy.
Stay tuned...
S
It is, as you can imagine, a dream of mine that (unhappily) my wife doesn't share, so it will remain a fantasy.
Stay tuned...
S
pipercatt
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jewel_GR said:
Yes, unfortunately, you are the only person that can overcome your own insecurities. It sounds like your Master is working to give you the support you need, which is the best help he can give. I hope that you find what you need to help you grow, but unfortunately, I can't tell you what the magic secret is on that one. i think it's different for everyone.
pipercatt
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Speakeasy said:
Speakeasy, you have no idea how often I hear that. someone who dreams of being in a multi partnered relationship, but there SO, or spouse "would never understand."
Most of the time, they haven't even communicated their desire to their SO.
However, reading your post, it says your wife doesn't share your dream, so does that mean you've talked to her about it?
sweetmamaangel
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Poly
Hi, my name is Angel, and I know a few people on this posts from others, so let me say Hi, to those of you!
I am married to a sweet man whom I've known for over ten years..we've been together for two and married for one. I am a BBW, so I have all the baggage that goes with. DH doesn't understand why it's easier for me to believe that a stranger finds me sexy than to believe him-but he doesn't get the two major emotional roadblocks i have:1) I feel that he kinda has to delude himself into thinking he finds me attractive b/c I'm the one he goes to bed with every night, while strangers have no reason to say so other than they either really think so or they are trying to get into my panties, which still means they think I'm sexy. and 2) I still have issues from my father's absence in my adolescence that make me feel that there is something wrong with me and that's why i am really unlovable, and it's only a matter of time b4 DH realizes it. When i say it, it of course sounds ridiculous, but I still feel it deep inside. Now I 99% trust DH, and the only reason I hold anything back is cuz I'm in the habit, and we are thinking of introducing a third into our sexual relationship. We will start with just me being involved, until i feel I can trust her, too. i really can't see an emotional relationship between the two of them ever being okay with me. It may just be my insecurity, or it may be that i am hung up on traditional values, or maybe I just love him too much to risk losing him. I dunno!
Hi, my name is Angel, and I know a few people on this posts from others, so let me say Hi, to those of you!
I am married to a sweet man whom I've known for over ten years..we've been together for two and married for one. I am a BBW, so I have all the baggage that goes with. DH doesn't understand why it's easier for me to believe that a stranger finds me sexy than to believe him-but he doesn't get the two major emotional roadblocks i have:1) I feel that he kinda has to delude himself into thinking he finds me attractive b/c I'm the one he goes to bed with every night, while strangers have no reason to say so other than they either really think so or they are trying to get into my panties, which still means they think I'm sexy. and 2) I still have issues from my father's absence in my adolescence that make me feel that there is something wrong with me and that's why i am really unlovable, and it's only a matter of time b4 DH realizes it. When i say it, it of course sounds ridiculous, but I still feel it deep inside. Now I 99% trust DH, and the only reason I hold anything back is cuz I'm in the habit, and we are thinking of introducing a third into our sexual relationship. We will start with just me being involved, until i feel I can trust her, too. i really can't see an emotional relationship between the two of them ever being okay with me. It may just be my insecurity, or it may be that i am hung up on traditional values, or maybe I just love him too much to risk losing him. I dunno!
pipercatt
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Hi Angel,
Thanks for posting here! I think that a lot of woman, myself included at times, feel as you do. And I applaud you for knowing yourself well enough to know, as well as to be able to speak about it out loud!
As for adding a third to your relationship...take it slow. You need to have a strong relationship with your husband and yourself before adding someone else into the mix.
I can't say it enough, I believe you have to love yourself before you will allow yourself to truly be loved by someone else. And I think it's very hard to do so, especially with society's demand that in order to love yourself, you have to be thin, wear the right clothes, etc. etc. ad naseum.
Yes, my turning point came when I realized that I can be attractive to others, and accepted it. I still occasionally struggle with my husband seeing me as a sexually attractive being. But as time goes on, it's easier to accept.
I also know that in order to learn to like myself, I have to do nice things for me once in awhile, and not feel guilty about it. It's almost like a courting myself. I take myself out, buy myself something pretty. I take a bath with candles, and instead of reading a book, I meditate in the tub, enjoying the sensations of the water, and make myself feel the pleasantness inside and out.
I have to concsiously remind myself to be kind to ME. I think a lot of women need to do that stuff more often.
So Jewel and Angel...let's go buy ourselves some flowers today, whaddya say? We can even write ourselves a note...giggle.
Thanks for posting here! I think that a lot of woman, myself included at times, feel as you do. And I applaud you for knowing yourself well enough to know, as well as to be able to speak about it out loud!
As for adding a third to your relationship...take it slow. You need to have a strong relationship with your husband and yourself before adding someone else into the mix.
I can't say it enough, I believe you have to love yourself before you will allow yourself to truly be loved by someone else. And I think it's very hard to do so, especially with society's demand that in order to love yourself, you have to be thin, wear the right clothes, etc. etc. ad naseum.
Yes, my turning point came when I realized that I can be attractive to others, and accepted it. I still occasionally struggle with my husband seeing me as a sexually attractive being. But as time goes on, it's easier to accept.
I also know that in order to learn to like myself, I have to do nice things for me once in awhile, and not feel guilty about it. It's almost like a courting myself. I take myself out, buy myself something pretty. I take a bath with candles, and instead of reading a book, I meditate in the tub, enjoying the sensations of the water, and make myself feel the pleasantness inside and out.
I have to concsiously remind myself to be kind to ME. I think a lot of women need to do that stuff more often.
So Jewel and Angel...let's go buy ourselves some flowers today, whaddya say? We can even write ourselves a note...giggle.
sweetmamaangel
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thanks for the advice, piper...
and, I just wanted to point out that men had multiple wivesin the bible...
and, I just wanted to point out that men had multiple wivesin the bible...
Speakeasy
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Re: thanks for the advice, piper...
Yeh... that's it! I'll just tell her it will be a religious experience... Of course, that will be the end of my life as I know it... <G>
Cute idea, though...
S
sweetmamaangel said:and, I just wanted to point out that men had multiple wivesin the bible...
Yeh... that's it! I'll just tell her it will be a religious experience... Of course, that will be the end of my life as I know it... <G>
Cute idea, though...
S
Richard49
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jewel_GR said:
Most marrages there is no love !!!!
There is only selfish self masterbation.
IMHO love is when respect,responsiblity,carring and knowledge converge.
These are things that grow not stay stangnate. As they grown they have room for lots of people in them.
It has only been the last 100 years that poly has not been praticed in the western world
Richard49
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jewel_GR said:
Most marrages are bad...people come together for all the wrong reasons
they come to bat with feeling of being less than complete
they bring lots of laugage...some so mach Allied van lines is not big enough
[My spelling and typing are terrible today]
Why would U marry someone?
Is that person what U would like U kids to grow up to be?
I am in the process of my third D. Not a great track record.
However during the periods when I was poly ...... things were good.
In each case the poly part ended when the third person moved on in areas of there life that did not include us. It is one thing in a couple when one of the people is say offewred a better job or job transfer........now mulitply that by another person.
Life happens
