Polyamory - Extending your family

[zetacon4]

Sounds like something that lives in my mind too!

What would my relationship look like....

In my dreams it is three loving partners or even maybe 4 who live and love togther in a cohesive(my word for the day) family unit. Each bringing unique and important elements to the relationship. There would be a STRONG sense of commitment to one another and supporting each others hopes and dreams. And they would need to have comparable sex drives to mine which is very demanding, or so I have been told.

That is as far into it as I have thought.

Would love to discuss this more with you.
Frank

 

[Kitte]

Sounds like you have a handle on it.
Sounds like my answer and the way I have lived in the past

So what do you now need from us?

I guess I am looking to see if it works. From people more experienced then I. I mean I have also had daydreams of winning the lottery, doesnt mean it would be how I pictured it. That and as with any interest I think I am seeking people of like mind.

 

[Richard49]

I guess I am looking to see if it works. From people more experienced then I. I mean I have also had daydreams of winning the lottery, doesnt mean it would be how I pictured it. That and as with any interest I think I am seeking people of like mind.

Yes it works .... it worked for me twice in my life as I have posted.

Just as you can only win the lottery by playing ..... U can only have this not alone have it successfuly if you go after it.

This is a conversation I would rather have with you over a cup of coffee

 

[jewel_GR]

deleted

 

[pipercatt]

Hi Jewel,

I know there's a difference between being a sub and being a slave, but what I dont know is how a slave is able to bring up areas that she is lacking to her master. Not having been a part of that lifestyle, my fear is that I will give you or your friend advice, and it won't fit your needs. I guess my question to you would be, have you asked this on the BSDM boards? Not that I am trying to turn you away, I just feel pretty inadequate. I mean, I can tell you how my husband and I worked it out when I felt he was spending too much time with his otherlove, and not paying enough attention to me. But it involved a lot of talking, crying, stopping and starting again, some yelling, more talking, until we all felt that our situation had been heard and understood by the others. Then we worked out a solution that seems to be working so far. It wasn't fun, but it's still worth it, in my eyes.

Did you look into the books Richard and I suggested?

 

[pipercatt]

Hello all, anything new in life of poly people?

Thank you, Jewel for bumping the thread. I thought I'd post a little bit of what's going on with me, in hope of encouraging more people. I'd still really like to see this thread have more activity.

But before I get into me (not my favorite subject, can you tell?) I wanted to share an old website that I've enjoyed for a long time. It's a personal site of a triad, they have kept a journal for the last 3 or 4 years of their relationship, how it grew, their bumps along the way, etc. It's very honest, emotional, and gives great insight into their lives. The link is: http://polypeople.tripod.com/ . Go back to the beginning of their journal and read, it's really worth it.

Ok, so about me. As most of you know, I am married, and hubby has an otherlove. I've been looking for a relationship with someone else, but have mostly only been able to date people for short periods of time. I've found that the majority of the people I date either cannot or choose not to have an emotional relationship. It usually turns out to be physical only. And I don't discount the physical, trust me. I just want more. The few people I have dated who are willing or able to have an emotional relationship are unable to handle me being married.

It's not that I don't understand where they are coming from, I was once into monogomy myself. I've just been frustrated that the ones that can handle me being poly only want sex, and the ones that can't handle me being poly don't seem to want me at all, or if they do, it hurts them too much to continue.

I am hoping this is about to change. I met someone here a few months ago, and have been getting to know him quite a lot. In 10 days, I will be meeting him for the first time in person. He's single, and this is his first experience with a poly person. It's my hope that this person will be someone that can handle me as I am, because if I hear the phrase, "You are such a great person, If only you weren't married..." one more time, I think I might scream, kick, hit the wall.

One last thing, that doesn't necessarily pertain to the last paragraph. When hubby and I were in discussions about opening up our marriage, one of our dreams was to meet another man and woman (singles or a couple) whom we loved enough to bring into our home. That is to say, another woman for him, another man for me, and we all live together. As we have both been out in the dating world, we realize how virtually impossible it would be to find 2 other people with either the same goals in mind, or the temperment to want what we want. However, it's a give and take thing. If I could, I would move hubby's otherlove in here in a heartbeat. She's a wonderful person, a great friend, and she is wonderful for my husband. It's been fun to watch them grow their relationship, despite the bumps we've all had. She and I have the exact same taste in men, so we both are on the lookout for someone that we can both date.

It might sound funny, me talking about someone that she and I can share, especially after saying that I am going to be meeting a new someone in under 2 weeks. I am not letting myself think about the future with him. I'd rather be in the present. But if I were to think of a future with him, I think he might be a good match for she and I. But I can't focus on that.

Does any of this make sense? I have to say, even though there's a really good chance that I will not get any response to this post, it's very therapeutic to write it all down.

Ah well, thanks for listening!

 

[Richard49]

Here's a bump and another question...how does the "third" person fit into a relationship? i have a friend who is a second slave. The problem is, even though she gets along with His first slave when they are alone, the first becomes agitated when He is around. My friend knows that the first feels as if she is being replaced and tries to calm those fears, but she needs Him too and He is rarely available to her. Maybe its the "slave" idea that gets in the way, because she doesn't have a problem with a poly relationship, but she still feels neglected as His. i just can't imagine holding out my life, as she is, for someone who only has a few hours a week for me. Is this common? or do most successful poly relationships happening within a couple include others who are only looking for a micro-relationship?

Each of us in the poly commuity have different visions/hopes/beliefs as to what a poly relationship should look like.

For some they (the couple or the third party) want a 24/7 LTR.
Others want much less...

So like the underwear
It depends

 

[jewel_GR]

deleted

 

[pipercatt]

i am so selfish...this would kill me.

Pardon me for asking, Jewel, but it sounds like you just don't want to be poly. Whats stopping you from finding the type of relationship that you want?

I mean no disrespect, but poly isn't for anyone. It's very hard to get over mono-conditioning, and I believe that some people are more apt to put it aside than others.

 

[jewel_GR]

deleted

 

[Richard49]

i am so selfish...this would kill me.

Jealiousy is the result of low self esteem

 

[zetacon4]

pipercatt...

I would like to respond to your very lovely and detailed post earlier.
You sound as lovely as a soft spring rain!
I hope you find that other person too. I would enjoy following your progress and have always been so interested in poly relationships. For the moment, I am in a self-discovery period. And I find myself opening up to so many ideas and feelings. I too, understand what it is to wonder about how it all will fit together.
If you would be so kind, I would like to discuss some things by email with you. I am trying to see where I would like to go personally. So, if you are able, send me info on direct contact please. I really enjoyed your postings!

 

[pipercatt]

What's stopping me is i found the man i want to be with. Poly is a part of Him, a part i am trying to understand and hope to find it as appealing as He does. But i haven't been able to get the perspective that another ISN'T a threat to me. i don't want to be excluded from that part of His life though, either. i'm not sure whether i am helping myself or not...but i don't really know how else to approach it.

Again, pardon me for saying so, but it sounds like you aren't really doing all that much to align yourself the way you say you want to. It sounds to me as if you are just waiting for yourself to miraculously grow to accept the situation. Or that your master will change his mind, and choose to be with you only.

You know what you need to do, you just need to dredge up the courage to do it.

I am sorry if that sounds harsh, Jewel.

 

[zetacon4]

Jewel, honey...

Are you just confused about your own feelings? Or unsure of those feelings and intensions of the lovers involved in this situation? I was not able to get a handle on just where your difficulty lay. Could you give us more details. Maybe one of the really experienced here (not me, sorry) could be of more help then.

 

[ARaynes]

I can't really say that ours is a polyamorous relationship. I love my husband and we have two close friends who are married to one another. The male friend I concider my boyfriend and we love each other dearly and would never wanna be apart.

But we would never leave our spouces. Our spouces know of our love to one another and are perfectly fine with it. We don't all live together, and to some extent I love my boyfriend's wife, but I am not "in" love with her.

We do have a sexual relationship with them but it isn't for my husband like it is to my boyfriend and I. For him it is more sexual, not really extreme love like my boyfriend and I have.

So, if you would call it Polyamorous, I don't know, but I would concider it that way. Because in my life I have many loves.

 

[pipercatt]

I can't really say that ours is a polyamorous relationship. I love my husband and we have two close friends who are married to one another. The male friend I concider my boyfriend and we love each other dearly and would never wanna be apart.

But we would never leave our spouces. Our spouces know of our love to one another and are perfectly fine with it. We don't all live together, and to some extent I love my boyfriend's wife, but I am not "in" love with her.

We do have a sexual relationship with them but it isn't for my husband like it is to my boyfriend and I. For him it is more sexual, not really extreme love like my boyfriend and I have.

So, if you would call it Polyamorous, I don't know, but I would concider it that way. Because in my life I have many loves.

Hiya ARaynes!

I would consider what you have poly. That's the beauty of Poly, the combinations are infinite. You love more than one person, and it doesn't matter how the relationship classifies itself. It's only if you and your loves are happy.

Thanks for sharing your story...I hope you come back and post more, or maybe your cute hubby will want to post, too.

 

[zetacon4]

ARaynes...

You truly are one of the very fortunate ones!
That sounds like heaven to me. It is very poly!
Thank you for telling about yourself and your loves.
Very nice to hear how people are folding there loves into their lives.

 

[jewel_GR]

deleted

 

[Richard49]

I can't really say that ours is a polyamorous relationship. I love my husband and we have two close friends who are married to one another. The male friend I concider my boyfriend and we love each other dearly and would never wanna be apart.

But we would never leave our spouces. Our spouces know of our love to one another and are perfectly fine with it. We don't all live together, and to some extent I love my boyfriend's wife, but I am not "in" love with her.

We do have a sexual relationship with them but it isn't for my husband like it is to my boyfriend and I. For him it is more sexual, not really extreme love like my boyfriend and I have.

So, if you would call it Polyamorous, I don't know, but I would concider it that way. Because in my life I have many loves.

I would consider U poly

 

[Richard49]

*THIS* i think i could handle. i can imagine getting close with another couple--two people who have each other besides my and my Master. All i see are difficulties arising when there is a single female added to our equation. Master says to stop worrying about the past and the future...to take what today brings. He is right because no one can ward off all problems...but i don't want to go through the pain, nor do i want to be the cause of another woman's pain, if the situation turns out to be less than ideal.

Actually 3somes and 5 or more work much better as a rule than 4somes do. However in the poly wolrd it is what works for U in sharing and expanding love.

There have been a number of books recommended on this thread. I again recommend them. I realize none of them are BDSM D/s related but part of BDSM D/s is vanilla.

All of this is about being U in your realtionships.

Jesus I have been in BDSM D/s for a few decades and have been poly all or most of it.

I have post a lot (at lest it seems to me a lot) on Lit about learning to be U..... to not edit yoursrlf in a relationship. There are ways to do this evenin a D/s relationship. When U edit U in any relationship eventualy that relationship is doomed

 

[Raina]

Hi all! It is so good to see this thread taking off again!

Good luck to Pipercatt. Don't you just love the anticipation of meeting him for the first time? I hope you have a wonderful meeting.

Jewel, I hope things are working for you. I wish I could help you figure things out more.

Hi ARaynes and Zetacon4! Nice to see you here.

And thanks Richard for all the wonderful advice. I love coming here and reading what you and Piper have to say. Thanks so much.

Things are going well for me. My honey here is FINALLY back from his vacation, and we have had the opportunity to talk a lot about the possibility of his getting involved with his ex. As of right now that possibilty is still very remote. He is realizing that she needs space to grow on her own, without involvement. I think that is where we are going to leave it for now. He has agreed with me that if he wants to pursue a more emotional/romantic relationship with her that I will be involved as far as getting to know her better and she and I learning to be friends, but that is not going to happen soon. She is learning independence, and how to rely on herself for a change, instead of a man...and this is something she needs for herself....so that is where we are on that subject. I will probably be going to California to see my other sweetie in a couple of weeks. I am really looking forward to that trip as well.

 

[vladimir]

Re: Hello all, anything new in life of poly people?

Thank you, Jewel for bumping the thread. I thought I'd post a little bit of what's going on with me, in hope of encouraging more people. I'd still really like to see this thread have more activity.
But before I get into me (not my favorite subject, can you tell?) I wanted to share an old website that I've enjoyed for a long time. It's a personal site of a triad, they have kept a journal for the last 3 or 4 years of their relationship, how it grew, their bumps along the way, etc. It's very honest, emotional, and gives great insight into their lives. The link is: http://polypeople.tripod.com/ . Go back to the beginning of their journal and read, it's really worth it.

>Been there, read it, and I fully concur with your opinion of the site.

<snip>It's my hope that this person will be someone that can handle me as I am, because if I hear the phrase, "You are such a great person, If only you weren't married..." one more time, I think I might scream, kick, hit the wall.

>You should come visit... You won't hear that from the people I hang with..

<snip>She and I have the exact same taste in men, so we both are on the lookout for someone that we can both date.

<snip>

Hello Pipercatt, My name is Vladimir, and my wife and I have been poly since before we met, we just didn't really know it...

It is very hard for people to view relationships from a non-traditional point of view. I was at a poly gathering a while back in the Bay area, and I provided transportation for a lovely young lady who was having the triad problems of not getting enough attention from the married male in the triad... Her comment was "why can't I find someone who's emotionally mature enough to spend more than a few nights with?" My reply was "because most people are not honest enough with themselves to know that to love more is to increase their capacity to love." I have had a couple of relationships since my Primary and I decided that we would continue to pursue our poly leanings, but they have not be satisfactory for lots of reasons. One failed because the person would not be honest about having a relationship with us. Another failed because of religion. Not for a lack of trying. It took me 35 years to understand that love CANNOT diminish if it is honestly shared.

That's really hard... Finding a person that both of you can love means that you must be completely honest about the kinds of things you want in your relationships. You and your SO must communicate, communicate, communicate, and spend a bunch of time looking, both singly and together. That's where my wife and I have the most trouble.. We're both Introverts, and we don't like big groups of people, or being intimate in public places... Although I'm much less carring about that, cause I'm a guy... You want to hang out and neck in public with me, I'm cool...

You are right, you can't. You should however discuss this with your husband and see what his take on this new relationship might be... Trust his judgement too... And have him ask his love what she wants You might be fortunate and find out that you both have good taste in men and god knows that most men are pretty clueless when it comes to relationships. I hope that you will be able to introduce your new friend to your husbands lover, and that sparks fly with them too... But only after the NRE burns down for the two of you first... If it gets that far.

Perfect sense... I will send you some further resources when I get the chance. Feel free to continue this discussion if it will help

You are most welcome pretty lady...

Vladimir

 

[jamjunior]

Why didn't you tell me....

Pi-

Why didn't you tell me about this thread?

I'm sorry all, I don't think I have much to add. I'm just hitting a point in my life where I am becoming a lot more curious about some alternatives.

I've noticed at least one post about how to deal with this in a Mono relationship. I am there with a woman who would NOT understand. What kinds of experiences in dealing with a less-than-understanding spouse have people had?

Jeff

 

[pipercatt]

Jam, honey...you've been busy lately. I hope others come around and answer your questions. The posts that you refer to are me talking about my frustrations in dealing with married men who's wives "would never go for it." Yeah, it's ok..you can call me a little bitter about the subject...

Vladimir, I am honored that your first post was in this thread. I have gone back and read several times all that you wrote, and am processing the information. I am really tired, and need sleep, but what you say makes sense.

I haven't talked with hubby as much as I should about this new man, and some of the other's that have been in my life recently. This is because of a couple of past relationships that have gone sour on me hurt me, and he bore the brunt of my hurt and frustration, unfortunately. He is understandably concerned and protective of me. He doesnt want to see me hurt, and he doesn't want me making bad choices. It's hard for him to get excited with me when I start a new relationship, because he's thinking of how it could possibly end. That's definitely something I need to work on.

One thing you said that really strikes a chord with me. The possibility of introducing my new potential (even though I am trying not to think of him that way) to my hubby's otherlove. If things go well, waiting until our own NRE has calmed a bit. I am the type of person that would rush it, and introduce them beforehand.

On the other hand, I might not. Hubby and his love are still in their own throes of NRE, in fact, it was a bit delayed, simply because I was involved in their relationship heavily in the beginning (platonically, though). They are now exploring their relationship without me, and I get the feelings of loss, the occasional jealousy, etc. So, I've been trying to wait it out, knowing and mostly secure in Hubby's love for me, and his love's friendship with me. They both do a great job of giving me reassurance when I need it and ask for it. Learning to ask for it was a tough lesson, though.

Vlad...you have given me lots to think about, and I appreciate it. I hope you come back soon, I really enjoyed your post!

Hugs!

 

[Richard49]

Re: Why didn't you tell me....

Pi-

Why didn't you tell me about this thread?

I'm sorry all, I don't think I have much to add. I'm just hitting a point in my life where I am becoming a lot more curious about some alternatives.

I've noticed at least one post about how to deal with this in a Mono relationship. I am there with a woman who would NOT understand. What kinds of experiences in dealing with a less-than-understanding spouse have people had?

Jeff

Frist question is
"Are you trying to change there mind or there core beliefs?"