Polyamory - Extending your family

[Richard49]

Thanks piper...you make alot of sense and have pretty much summed up why it is i haven't been able to "convert" so-to-speak. No one is going to be able to "will" me into believing in myself, but hopefully will be able to give me the strength to over time. Master tries, just as Your husband has, to give me what i need to grow into that confidence...but it only takes one little instance and i am back my old self again. i hope i am able to come into myself as you have...

untill you can love yourself you can not love anyone else.

One can only love another to the extent that one loves themselves

 

[jewel_GR]

i was wondering, Richard, if the "third" in your relationships was usually a woman or if you had male thirds...i was also wondering if it is a situation where both you and your wife agreed on the third party or if you had your relationships and she had hers?

 

[Richard49]

i was wondering, Richard, if the "third" in your relationships was usually a woman or if you had male thirds...i was also wondering if it is a situation where both you and your wife agreed on the third party or if you had your relationships and she had hers?

In my cases
it was a woman and the three of us were married to each other

In the first situation I brought the woman in and we agreed
in the second she brought the other woman in and we agreed

 

[Raina]

.

 

[Richard49]

[*]Do you think a poly relationship can survive if 2 of the individuals do not get along?
[*]Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation?
[*]Any advice or information would be greatly appreciated!!
[/list]
(sorry...I tried to keep it short...really I did!! )

no
yes

Cyndi brought a number of possibles home that just were not
[that should have given me some warning signs]

You all first need to agree that you need to agree

second I am not sure about him if he wants to get back into something with her

 

[Raina]

.

 

[jewel_GR]

i tried to accept another woman into Master and my relationship, but i was under a different impression of what that meant in comparision to what He and she thought it meant. Master and i have been together for almost 2 years, but have only met 4 times...this coming weekend will be the fifth time. i am moving to be with Him in August.

But He has, in the mean time, grown very fond of a woman who lives in TX, very near His son. So when He goes to visit His son, He is also with her sexually. She seems like a sweet person, what little i have corresponded with her, so i told Master that she seemed like someone i could accept. One thing let to another and i extended the offer, believing what i was offering was a great friendship between the three of us, and my "blessing" of her service to Him when i can not be there.

Unfortunately, she and Master had a different idea, believing i was ready to accept a "relationship" between them...Him taking responsibility and committing Himself to her as well. He is also sexually active (safe sex, always) with others, something that i have to take one day at a time. i do not see how He can take care of me as His slave and also be responsible to others. i tried to clear it up with her, to make sure she understood my intentions, and it has hurt her, which i regret for her sake, Master's, and mine, for i may have lost a friend. She called a spade a spade and told Master that i wasn't ready for what He expected, but in a Master/slave relationship, my choice is to accept or walk. i don't seem to have the choice of "conditions."

 

[Raina]

I am sorry to hear about your situation Jewel GR, but I am afraid I can't offer much advice or anything. I don't know much about the D/s relationship at all. I wish I could offer something more to you, but all I have is a friendly "ear" to lend.

 

[jewel_GR]

deleted

 

[Richard49]

i tried to accept another woman into Master and my relationship, but i was under a different impression of what that meant in comparision to what He and she thought it meant. Master and i have been together for almost 2 years, but have only met 4 times...this coming weekend will be the fifth time. i am moving to be with Him in August.

But He has, in the mean time, grown very fond of a woman who lives in TX, very near His son. So when He goes to visit His son, He is also with her sexually. She seems like a sweet person, what little i have corresponded with her, so i told Master that she seemed like someone i could accept. One thing let to another and i extended the offer, believing what i was offering was a great friendship between the three of us, and my "blessing" of her service to Him when i can not be there.

Unfortunately, she and Master had a different idea, believing i was ready to accept a "relationship" between them...Him taking responsibility and committing Himself to her as well. He is also sexually active (safe sex, always) with others, something that i have to take one day at a time. i do not see how He can take care of me as His slave and also be responsible to others. i tried to clear it up with her, to make sure she understood my intentions, and it has hurt her, which i regret for her sake, Master's, and mine, for i may have lost a friend. She called a spade a spade and told Master that i wasn't ready for what He expected, but in a Master/slave relationship, my choice is to accept or walk. i don't seem to have the choice of "conditions."

So many assume that in D/s the sub has to do what the D reguries.

NOT SO !!!!!

A sub is expected to:
1) do in her life what would please the D
2) to stay in the relationship as long as the D honors her hard limits
3) share her feelings,wants and needs

Now when U entered into this D/s relationship was poly made clear to U?

What did you agree to in respect to poly?

Is this other woman in Texas a sub?

Did your relationship with this Dom start online?

We can go from the answers to the above.

 

[Richard49]

Thanks Raina...i'm not sure how much D/s plays into my problem, other than i am expected to give Master what He wants and desires, and His pleasure would become mine. Although that does work for the most part...diving into the middle of my fears and embracing them to make Him happy is another issue. He makes a good point, that i worry about what might happen way more than concentrating on what has happened. i see that, but at times it overrides my logic too. i'm hoping that out of pure determination, He and i will have this amazing relationship that He envisions, which will also mean that i have learned to be strong enough to handle it. So far, we have overcome some big obstacles...so anything is possible.

When U live with one foot in the past and one foot in the future
you are pissing on today

 

[jewel_GR]

deleted

 

[jewel_GR]

deleted

 

[Richard49]

i can see i killed another thread

NOT !!!!

Thanks for the bump.

I did not respond to your last post for a number of reasons
one of them is that you seem to know what you need to do
and where you are at.

IMHO poly SHOULD NOT BE any different for D/s as it is for nalla.

 

[pipercatt]

jewel, I didn't think you'd killed the thread, either. I just don't have any experience with the D/s lifestyle.

I agree with Richard though, your heart and your head should telling you what to do. If they are sending conflicted information, you need to sort out what's what, and then put a plan into action that serves you best.

I've mentioned it before, but I think it warrants it again. Go to your bookstore and get a copy of "the Ethical Slut" by Easton and Liszt. It's a great book, and I think you would like it.

There's another book that I know of, but haven't read called, "Love without limits" By Dr. Deborah Anapol. I've heard it's also very good.

 

[jewel_GR]

deleted

 

[pipercatt]

Thank you both for your advise and help. i guess i had just hoped that somewhere, someone would be able to give me some enlightenment so that i didn't feel so torn between my heart and my Master's desires.

What kind of enlightenment do you want? No one can tell you how your heart should feel.

I can say that I applaud your Master for not ordering you to suck it up and just do what he wants. From what you've written of him, he seems to have or want what's best for you, and is willing to give you all the time you need in order to feel comfortable with the situation.

Your relationship with him seems to me to have a lot of hardships to overcome, not the least of which is the distance. That can be very hard, and would naturally make things move at a slower pace. If you were with him and his other, you'd be getting a daily dose of it all, and you would probably come to your conclusions much faster.

Jewel, love is the greatest risk of all, only you can decide if you want to take it.

 

[Kitte]

*peeks her head in nervously*

So I am not a freak! (Well those who know me from the GB will tell you different)

I posted on the GB about Polyamory and Sabbathstorm every so kindly directed me here.

I have been thinking about it over the last 5 or 6 years with great interest, I have a friend who has been in a 5 way marriage for 4 years and she is very happy, unfortunatly she is a long ways away and communications with her are not as immediate as here (impatient arent I)

So thank you Piper and all of you other contributors. Your candor has been most insightful and I look forward to learning more.

 

[pipercatt]

Hey Kitte, anytime, hon...

If you have specific questions Richard or I can try to help you out, or if you just wannt vent yer spleen, I have really good ears, too.

 

[Kitte]

Hey Kitte, anytime, hon...

If you have specific questions Richard or I can try to help you out, or if you just wannt vent yer spleen, I have really good ears, too.

My spleen feels pretty well vented, my pancreas is a completely different matter all together! ( I need to find someONE who understands my terrible sense of humour)

I guess my primary concern is in joining an existing partnership, feeling like a third wheel or a novelty rather then a partner.

I am confident in my ability to love more then one person (one of the contributing factors leading to my divorce)

I guess what has always intrigued me about the dynamic of poly is the ability to be in a supportive family unit that is not solely dependant on me as well as me not being soley dependant on another person. I mean I could just be whacko(read naieve) but is this how it works?

 

[Richard49]

My spleen feels pretty well vented, my pancreas is a completely different matter all together! ( I need to find someONE who understands my terrible sense of humour)

I guess my primary concern is in joining an existing partnership, feeling like a third wheel or a novelty rather then a partner.

I am confident in my ability to love more then one person (one of the contributing factors leading to my divorce)

I guess what has always intrigued me about the dynamic of poly is the ability to be in a supportive family unit that is not solely dependant on me as well as me not being soley dependant on another person. I mean I could just be whacko(read naieve) but is this how it works?

WOW !!!!

Where to begin ?

Sounds like your divorce was cause ...U loved more than him...and did not communicate with him U desire to do so...so he did not agree

IMHO poly is not about being dependent on someone or they on you...... we are all interdependent with each other

I do not make shoes so I am dependent on the shoe maker

Yes it is about sharing everything including youself .... not just sexually but all of you

Now Piper and I would disagree on this next point

It has been my experence that those poly marrages that work

The same sex partners are bi

Anyway
ask your questions
make your comments
and lets talk

 

[Kitte]

Sounds like your divorce was cause ...U loved more than him...and did not communicate with him U desire to do so...so he did not agree
A Lot of our problem was his inability to love at all, and my inherant nature too love many(by societal veiwpoints)


IMHO poly is not about being dependent on someone or they on you...... we are all interdependent with each other

I can see your point in that but dont we all to some degree depend on our partner poly or otherwise



It has been my experence that those poly marrages that work
The same sex partners are bi

I believe that would be a more ideal situation for me, one where all partners share an equal relationship sexually.

I guess my main question at this point is where do I begin this journey, I noticed many books mentioned throughout the thread, any in particular I might want to read? I know the only true experience is real life, but I feel I can learn alot from others who walked this road before me. And as I mentioned in the other thread I have much healing to do from the effects of my divorce so I have plenty of time for reading

 

[Richard49]

I guess my main question at this point is where do I begin this journey, I noticed many books mentioned throughout the thread, any in particular I might want to read? I know the only true experience is real life, but I feel I can learn alot from others who walked this road before me. And as I mentioned in the other thread I have much healing to do from the effects of my divorce so I have plenty of time for reading

Well as you have read I am a big believer in Robert Rimmer
Reading his stuff will give you many views on the subject <grin>

How I started ...... was ..... asking myself.... if I could have the exact realtionship I would like .... what would it look like?

Let's here some more from you and the others here

 

[Kitte]

What would my relationship look like....

In my dreams it is three loving partners or even maybe 4 who live and love togther in a cohesive(my word for the day) family unit. Each bringing unique and important elements to the relationship. There would be a STRONG sense of commitment to one another and supporting each others hopes and dreams. And they would need to have comparable sex drives to mine which is very demanding, or so I have been told.

That is as far into it as I have thought.

 

[Richard49]

What would my relationship look like....

In my dreams it is three loving partners or even maybe 4 who live and love togther in a cohesive(my word for the day) family unit. Each bringing unique and important elements to the relationship. There would be a STRONG sense of commitment to one another and supporting each others hopes and dreams. And they would need to have comparable sex drives to mine which is very demanding, or so I have been told.

That is as far into it as I have thought.

Sounds like you have a handle on it.
Sounds like my answer and the way I have lived in the past

So what do you now need from us?