Tell Blatant Lies About....Yourself

I've been locked in a staring contest with my pet gecko for the last five hours. Complete bullshit that this fucker can lick his own eyes. Cheater.
 
I have had 3 non-consecutive terms as mayor of my city.
I only needed 1 term to fix the city, but kept returning because the following mayors kept messing up.
 
Thanks to a certain AmPics thread, I had to go to the local bakery and buy 23 full-sized cakes. I've already eaten six of them and am sitting on the toilet as I start the seventh.

So good...
 
I can fit 352 M&Ms in my mouth at once. And I can still whistle the Star-spangled Banner!
 
I taught my wife to drive stick by having her practice every day with my cock. The clutch took some figuring out.
 
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