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Tell Blatant Lies About....Yourself

I love everything about Christmas shopping, particularly the people, the carpark rage, and the repetitive Christmas tunes!
 
I love lockdown especially the not having to go dancing part And not getting bodywork so good to not get massage
 
I am so tired of winning wet t-shirt competitions. It's just too easy at this point, no challenge at all.
 
This recent attempt at optimism is really working out well. :rolleyes:
 
I have a $3,000-a-day cocaine habit. Always need the blow, man. How do you think I got this crazy?:rolleyes:
 
I’ve never gotten so much done...just lounging around the house during snowtopia 2021
 
Being a Playgirl centerfold three decades in a row is one of my proudest accomplishments.
 
I have an uncanny resemblance to Antonio Banderas. We look exactly alike...

...from behind...

...from below the waist...

The only difference is my ass is white and fat...
 
I used to be the penis model to test condoms at the factory. So the next time you call for the Trojan man, remember who kept them safe. That's me, bitches! :D
 
  • Every Sunday night, I loosen all the wheel nuts on all the wheelchairs at the Angels of Mercy Hospital in downtown Los Angeles.

  • I once ordered breakfast at McDonald's and attempted to pay for it with the only cash I had on hand, two Two-Dollar bills. The flummoxed cashier refused to believe there was such a thing as a Two-Dollar bill, even after I presented them to him for close inspection. The Manager, not much older than the cashier, also refused to accept my "fake" money. After arguing for five minutes and backed by the testimony of other customers in line, I was ultimately awarded the meal for free on the condition that I never visit the restaurant again.

  • I am a two time winner of the annual LAPD Charles Manson Think-alike Contest.

  • I was once kicked out of Disneyland for heckling the animatronic Lincoln at the Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln attraction.

  • I am retired and living off the royalties from porno movie screenplays I wrote in the 1980's.

  • As a preborn I would frequently sneak out of the womb in the middle of the night, tethered to the umbilical cord like a tiny spaceman, and go into the kitchen to fix myself a snack.

  • I often dress up my penis as a ventriloquist's dummy and put on free shows at St. Jude's Children's Charities on the weekends.

  • My Mother-in-law was none other than the Fabulous Moolah, one of the greatest female professional wrestlers of her era.

One of these lies — and I'll never say which one — is 100% true.


Ben
 
I have only one goal in life.. and that is to give every man on Lit a blowjob by the end of the year.
 
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