Tell Blatant Lies About....Yourself

I ride a dolphin to work every day, and I ride a hippopotamus home.
 
My nose grew 3 inches longer last year. At this pace, it will be as long as my dick in only 5 more years.
 
When I see Miss Lindsey Graham, I check my hair, touch up my lipstick and maximize my cleavage.
 
I once stopped a shark from attacking me by channeling The Three Stooges and doing an eye gouge, a nose bonk, and a 360 degree bapp to its head.
 
I once fought and killed a bear with my bare (bear?) hands. The zookeepers said I'm never allowed near the Koala exhibit again. :(
 
One time I was in 'Vegas and I ran into the guy that played Bud Bundy from 'Married with Children.' This happened around '99. We drank and partied like rock stars. Snorted coke of the boobs of hotties, about everything you could imagine. I was suprised that you could pull wool as he did, but at the time ladies where attracted to him. Blew my mind girls were throwing themselves at us as they were; craziness. I wish Al would have been there. I felr like I was in an episode of the show.
 
I love it when like an overloaded condom, a juice pouch breaks.
 
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