The Bears Den
- Thread starter MaryBears
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Stop in any time
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
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MaryBears
Literotica Guru
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I, the penis
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
++++++++++++++
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief periods of time.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You do not always observe necessary safety regulations, such has wearing the correct protective clothing.
You'll retire before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely
Management
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
++++++++++++++
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief periods of time.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You do not always observe necessary safety regulations, such has wearing the correct protective clothing.
You'll retire before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely
Management
Missingmeds
Just being
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2003
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If that isn't the truth ^. Good morning Mary and everyone else.
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
What Not to Say to a Cop
1. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
2. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
9. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how far they are ahead of me.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
13. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.
14. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
15. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
1. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
2. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
9. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how far they are ahead of me.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
13. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.
14. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
15. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
*giggles*
Two Hindu Puns
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
***
A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."
Two Hindu Puns
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
***
A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."
catsr2wild
Taking it easy
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2004
- Posts
- 40,268
Subject: Leaving the Office Early!!
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she
know
they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her lady boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday.
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she
know
they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her lady boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday.
am_bi_tious
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2004
- Posts
- 2,074
MaryBears said:
Ammmmmmen sister! Good one!
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Here is something interesting before i start replying to all your kindness.
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
> > animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
> > punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense)
> >
> > In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
> > is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
> > only see their reflection in a mirror.
> >
> > Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
> > applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with
> > a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
> >
> > The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder
> > which head?)
> >
> > There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
> > and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
> > the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
> > virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute. Is there any job anywhere
> > else in the world that even comes close to this?)
> >
> > In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
> > adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's
> > lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
> >
> > Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
> > Tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
> >
> > In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
> > first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
> > (Makes one shudder at the thought!)
> >
> > In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
> > woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
> > problem that they had to pass this law?)
> >
> > In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines, with
> > one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
> > "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
> > premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... But not as great as
> Guam!)
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
> > animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
> > punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense)
> >
> > In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
> > is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
> > only see their reflection in a mirror.
> >
> > Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
> > applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with
> > a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
> >
> > The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder
> > which head?)
> >
> > There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
> > and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
> > the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
> > virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute. Is there any job anywhere
> > else in the world that even comes close to this?)
> >
> > In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
> > adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's
> > lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
> >
> > Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
> > Tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
> >
> > In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
> > first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
> > (Makes one shudder at the thought!)
> >
> > In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
> > woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
> > problem that they had to pass this law?)
> >
> > In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines, with
> > one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
> > "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
> > premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... But not as great as
> Guam!)
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
kayte said:Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}
Thank you for all of the posts, from the thoughtful ones to the funny ones.
Take care of yourself sweetie.....
Good Evening {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kayte}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Your very welcome.....I am glad you enjoyed them.
Update: My knee and leg is still swollen....very tender....called my family physician and got better service this time....The nurse talked to my doctor and called me back like she said she would....He is out of the office tomorrow but he wants me to see the Nurse Practioner.....she works under all three of the drs in that office....she is good and if she needs to she will pull one of the other drs in....so I shall find out something then.....As for now....I am having to walk with my cane (that is a pride issue to me) but i am doing it cause I sure as hell don't need another fall.
.......about the same....Thanks for asking
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Shreik said:
Shreik hun.....I will be careful.....and thanks
Here is another joke
A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter
rom his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
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