The Bears Den
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Jaybird3
Lustily burning for .....
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Here's one for you all.
A man goes to the minister at his church. "Reverend, he said, we have
a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you are up to the task," said
the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones
is sleeping and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a
good poke in the leg with the hat pin.
At church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this,the minister put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg
with the sharp hat pin. "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the
ministers quick reply.
Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband. Soon Mrs.
Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?"
he asked the congregation, motioning to Mr. Jones.
"My God!' howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right
again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare.
Before long though she again nodded off. This time however the minister
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a
few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his
wife with the hat pin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing
in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the
sun don't shine!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.
A man goes to the minister at his church. "Reverend, he said, we have
a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you are up to the task," said
the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones
is sleeping and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a
good poke in the leg with the hat pin.
At church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this,the minister put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate
sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg
with the sharp hat pin. "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the
ministers quick reply.
Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband. Soon Mrs.
Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?"
he asked the congregation, motioning to Mr. Jones.
"My God!' howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right
again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare.
Before long though she again nodded off. This time however the minister
did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a
few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his
wife with the hat pin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him
his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing
in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the
sun don't shine!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.
Jaybird3
Lustily burning for .....
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Posts
- 1,086
One more before I have to go....
My Forgetter has Forgotten
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
CAN YOU RELATE??? Please send this to everyone you know
because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!!!!
My Forgetter has Forgotten
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
CAN YOU RELATE??? Please send this to everyone you know
because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!!!!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Good afternoon {{{{Mary}}}} 
Hope it has been a good day for you.
And a chuckle I got in the mail.....
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start any moment."
"Have a nice day maam", and he left............
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Hope it has been a good day for you.And a chuckle I got in the mail.....
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start any moment."
"Have a nice day maam", and he left............
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
FRENCHIE44T
Lover of oral sex
- Joined
- May 27, 2003
- Posts
- 16,625
I really enjoy.........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello everyone
I wated to say how much I enjoy all the jokes and stuff you are posting on here between you.
I dont know where you get them from, but keep them cumming he he
Catch ya later
Bye
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello everyone
I wated to say how much I enjoy all the jokes and stuff you are posting on here between you.
I dont know where you get them from, but keep them cumming he he
Catch ya later
Bye
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
LMAO .....thanks that is good....kayte said:Good afternoon {{{{Mary}}}}
And a chuckle I got in the mail.....
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start any moment."
"Have a nice day maam", and he left............
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Good evening {{{{Kayte}}}}} my day is good and chilly....
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Re: I really enjoy.........
Glad you enjoy them....
keep cumming back for more
frenchieFRENCHIE44T said:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello everyone
I wated to say how much I enjoy all the jokes and stuff you are posting on here between you.
I dont know where you get them from, but keep them cumming he he
Catch ya later
Bye
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Glad you enjoy them.... keep cumming back for more
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY
Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who shits on your is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who shits on your is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Golden Years
Ok this is what that pic said a couple post back....sorry all
Senior Citizen are the leading carriers of AIDS
Hearing AIDS, Roll AIDS, Walking AIDS, Medical AIDS, Government AIDS, and most of all Monetary Aids to their Children!
The Golden Years have come at last. I cannot see, I cannot pee, I cannot chew, I cannot screw. My Memory shrinks. My learning stinks. No sense of smell. I look like hell. My body's drooping. Got trouble pooping.
So the Golden Years have come at last? Well, the Golden Years can kiss my ass!
Ok this is what that pic said a couple post back....sorry all
Senior Citizen are the leading carriers of AIDS
Hearing AIDS, Roll AIDS, Walking AIDS, Medical AIDS, Government AIDS, and most of all Monetary Aids to their Children!
The Golden Years have come at last. I cannot see, I cannot pee, I cannot chew, I cannot screw. My Memory shrinks. My learning stinks. No sense of smell. I look like hell. My body's drooping. Got trouble pooping.
So the Golden Years have come at last? Well, the Golden Years can kiss my ass!
Jaybird3
Lustily burning for .....
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Posts
- 1,086
THE GOOD NAPKINS!!!!!
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was
ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was
keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those
were
for "special occasions" (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are
leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner... Mom had aassignments
for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my
father, who roared with laughter. Then
came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting
on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork
carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they
didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they were
for special occasions!!!"
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was
ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was
keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those
were
for "special occasions" (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are
leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner... Mom had aassignments
for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my
father, who roared with laughter. Then
came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting
on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork
carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they
didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they were
for special occasions!!!"
Jaybird3
Lustily burning for .....
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2003
- Posts
- 1,086
FRENCHIE44T
Lover of oral sex
- Joined
- May 27, 2003
- Posts
- 16,625
Good morning all
GOOD MORNING EVERYONE
England just beat Wales in the rugby and now play France in the semi final
Life cant get much better
GOOD MORNING EVERYONE
England just beat Wales in the rugby and now play France in the semi final
Life cant get much better
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde go into a bar. The brunette says to the barkeep, "I'd like a BL." The bartender replies, "What's a BL?" The brunette answers in a snotty voice, "A Bud Light. DUH!"
So, the bartender dutifully serves up a Bud Light. Then, the redhead says, "I'd like an ML." The bartender asks, "What's an ML?" The redhead answers, as if to a slow child, "Miller Lite. DUH!"
After serving the redhead, the bartender, now wary and on alert, turns to the blonde.
She says, "I'd like a fifteen, please." The bartender thinks and then says, "Okay, I understand that a BL is a Bud Light and an ML is a Miller Lite. But, I can't figure out what a fifteen is."
The blonde rolls her eyes, tosses her hair and answers, "A Seven and Seven. DUH!"
So, the bartender dutifully serves up a Bud Light. Then, the redhead says, "I'd like an ML." The bartender asks, "What's an ML?" The redhead answers, as if to a slow child, "Miller Lite. DUH!"
After serving the redhead, the bartender, now wary and on alert, turns to the blonde.
She says, "I'd like a fifteen, please." The bartender thinks and then says, "Okay, I understand that a BL is a Bud Light and an ML is a Miller Lite. But, I can't figure out what a fifteen is."
The blonde rolls her eyes, tosses her hair and answers, "A Seven and Seven. DUH!"
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
MONEY
It can buy a House...............But not a Home
It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock................But not Time
It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge
It can buy you a Position......But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health
It can buy you Blood............But not Life
It can buy you Sex..............But not Love
So you see money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away
your pain and suffering..............
So send me all your money..........
And I will suffer for you.
CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!
Thought this was gonna be one of those
"inspirational" ones, didn't you????
It can buy a House...............But not a Home
It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock................But not Time
It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge
It can buy you a Position......But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health
It can buy you Blood............But not Life
It can buy you Sex..............But not Love
So you see money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away
your pain and suffering..............
So send me all your money..........
And I will suffer for you.
CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!
Thought this was gonna be one of those
"inspirational" ones, didn't you????
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