The Bears Den

[Missingmeds]

You'll need the following:

1 cup sugar
1 cup water
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 bottle whisky



----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup & drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still OK.

Cry another cup.

Turn off the mixar.

Beat two leggs and addd to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the tuner.

If the dried frust gets stuck on the beaters pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn on the cake to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out the window.

Check the whicky again and go to bed.

 

[Missingmeds]

This is a series of "true anecdotes" from doctors.

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX



At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA



One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada



I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read it perfectly. "Left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large letter on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactlywhat I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA



During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours andnowI'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes the man had over fifty patches on his body! Since the incident, the instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying another.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA



While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden? After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR



I was caring for a woman from Kentucky in the hospital and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produceda foil packet labeled KY Jelly.
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI



A new, young MD when doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."


Colonoscopy humor: A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not in fact, up there?"

 

[PassionsFlame]

WORDS WOMEN USE

Omgoshhhhh!!!! PLEADING THE FIFTH!

*giggles*

 

[kiltsr4guys]

kilts welcome to the thread....hope you have a great time....And cum back often

Thanks for having me...I am just looking over your newest story now and it sound real interesting...and I see all the others you have written....these look like something I should copy to the laptop for reading in bed tonight......I let you know how I liked them tomorrow..

Tom aka Kilts R 4 Guys

 

[Missingmeds]

Welcome Kilts and I hope you stay awhile. I like it here. This is a very friendly and welcoming thread.

I tried to use your link in your signature line but it says that it is an invalid link.

 

[kiltsr4guys]

Welcome Kilts and I hope you stay awhile. I like it here. This is a very friendly and welcoming thread.

I tried to use your link in your signature line but it says that it is an invalid link.

here try this

 

[Missingmeds]

Very well-turned legs if I might say so. Thank you.

 

[kiltsr4guys]

Very well-turned legs if I might say so. Thank you.

I thought it answered the question it is a real picture of the lowering of the flag for the last time in Honk Kong.....leave it to the Scots to moon the Chinese on the way out ....Bravo!

Tom

 

[Missingmeds]

Best to leave on a good note from anywhere.

 

[MaryBears]

You'll need the following:

1 cup sugar
1 cup water
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 bottle whisky



----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup & drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still OK.

Cry another cup.

Turn off the mixar.

Beat two leggs and addd to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the tuner.

If the dried frust gets stuck on the beaters pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn on the cake to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out the window.

Check the whicky again and go to bed.

OMG.....that was good...and so was your next one.....Thanks for sharing...looking forward to more

 

[MaryBears]

Omgoshhhhh!!!! PLEADING THE FIFTH!

*giggles*

HEHEHE...... Why you pleading the fifth....your suppose to drink the fifth

 

[MaryBears]

Thanks for having me...I am just looking over your newest story now and it sound real interesting...and I see all the others you have written....these look like something I should copy to the laptop for reading in bed tonight......I let you know how I liked them tomorrow..

Tom aka Kilts R 4 Guys

Your very welcome Kilt.......And I hope you do like the stories...I always like to hear feedback.....So please let me know.....

 

[MaryBears]

here try this

nice pic there Kilt.......And thanks for sharing....

 

[Puddin36]

{{{{Puddin}}} yes it is quite nasty and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.....I hope I am better for thanksgiving too.....cause we will have the food that is for sure....Hope your day was great

(((((((((((((MaryBears))))))))))) another big hug for you and hoping that you are feeling better tonight. I know what you mean about the food. We are having Thanksgiving here, but there will only be possibly 4 ppl here. Still takes all day to make everything though. All that time to prepare the food and just minutes to consume it. Then I have to go to work. But it is nice because I can take the client I am caring for a Thanksgiving meal that she otherwise wouldn't get. She is real appreciative when I take her homemade goodies.

Feeling better every day Mary.......today was my first day back to work and I'm a little sore, but nothing I can't handle. Now we have to work on getting you well. You are in my thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery. Coming here and reading these great jokes must help some. They always say that laughter and love are the best medicine and you will always find plenty of that here on your thread. Take care my friend and remember you are loved.

Hugs..........Puddin

 

[Puddin36]

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...

I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnecologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?



Hope no-one takes offense to this, I just thought it was cute for a laugh.

Hugs and Licks to all...........Puddin

 

[Puddin36]

Home remedies

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers.
>
>Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.
>
>Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
>
>Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1/2 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes,then apply it as amassage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
>
>Sore Throat?? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 Tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
>
>Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.
>Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly even though the product has never been advertised for this use.
>
>Eliminate puffiness under your eyes.....All you need is a dab of Preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes. The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the swelling instantly.
>
>Honey remedy for Skin Blemishes ...... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
>
>Listerine therapy for toenail fungus .... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
>
>Easy eyeglass protection....To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
>
>Coca-Cola cure for rust...Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain.
>The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.
>
>Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer....If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.
>
>Smart splinter remover.....just pour a drop of Elmers Glue-all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.
>
>Tomato paste boil cure .... Cover the boil with tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.
>
>Balm for broken blisters....To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine....a powerful antiseptic.
>
>Vinegar to heal bruises...Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
>
>Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.
>
>Rainy day cure for dog odor....Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
>
>Eliminate ear mites....All it takes is a few drops of corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
>
>Vaseline cure for hairballs.....To prevent troublesome hairballs, apply a dollop of vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose. The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system.
>
>Quaker Oats for fast pain relief .... It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
>
>
>
> Hugs..........Puddin

 

[Puddin36]

The chicken and the Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
>together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog
>and
>began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken
>to go
>get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving
>at
>the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for
>he
>had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken
>spied
>the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken
>sped
>off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's
>life.
>
>Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
>arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
>rope
>the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper
>of
>the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the
>aid
>of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken
>rode
>the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when
>he
>returned.
>
>The friendship between the two animals was cemented; best buddies, best
>pals. A few weeks latter the chicken fell into a mud pit soon he too
>began
>to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a
>moment, walked over & straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath he
>told
>the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the
>pit.
>The chicken got a good grip & the horse pulled him up and out, saving
>his
>life.
>
>Moral of the story ??????? (Yes, there is a moral)
>
>"When you're hung like a horse you don't need a Harley to pick up
>chicks"
>
>
>
>
I thought this was a cute little story, hope everyone got a chuckle from it.

Hugs and Licks to all.........Puddin

 

[Missingmeds]

Good Morning everyone.

Those were very good Puddin. I enjoyed them all.

MaryBears, I do hope you are feeling better this morning.

Off to work I go. Have a great day everyone.

 

[kayte]

Good morning everyone!!!

The jokes that have been left the last couple of days have been great!!! Thank you.


Hope it is a marvelous day for ya'll!!!

 

[kayte]

The Bad Old Days!!!!

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter, AND, I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember getting e-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring).

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE; and risked permanent injury with a pair of high-top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option. Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on the linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we had only known that we could have sued the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the Pledge of Allegiance, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

Schools didn't offer 14-year-olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles! What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours even wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.

I must be repressing memories as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah. And where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of iodine or Mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either, because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too. And then, we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough? It wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room.), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play, and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two-week vacations.

I should probably sue my folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower... I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive.

How sick were my parents?

Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall the boy from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

*My ancestors must all be in a witness protection program*

 

[MaryBears]

Here is one for everyone

'TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.

THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE >BUT I FOUGHT THE
TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT

TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.

SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.

I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.

I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.

I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.

BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP. >MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N
GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!!!

 

[MaryBears]

(((((((((((((MaryBears))))))))))) another big hug for you and hoping that you are feeling better tonight. I know what you mean about the food. We are having Thanksgiving here, but there will only be possibly 4 ppl here. Still takes all day to make everything though. All that time to prepare the food and just minutes to consume it. Then I have to go to work. But it is nice because I can take the client I am caring for a Thanksgiving meal that she otherwise wouldn't get. She is real appreciative when I take her homemade goodies.

Feeling better every day Mary.......today was my first day back to work and I'm a little sore, but nothing I can't handle. Now we have to work on getting you well. You are in my thoughts and prayers for a speedy recovery. Coming here and reading these great jokes must help some. They always say that laughter and love are the best medicine and you will always find plenty of that here on your thread. Take care my friend and remember you are loved.

Hugs..........Puddin

{{{{{{{{{{{puddin}}}}}}}}}}}} Glad to hear your doing better.....

I thought I was but....well....i still have a touch of it....I am not running a fever.....I just can't eat anything....it goes right thru me..... Oh I do hope I am better by Thursday......I missed therapy again today....didn't want to get in the pool like this....that would be awful and embarrassing

 

[MaryBears]

Good Morning everyone.

Those were very good Puddin. I enjoyed them all.

MaryBears, I do hope you are feeling better this morning.

Off to work I go. Have a great day everyone.

Good morning Missing.......


Yes, I agree those was good jokes.....

I hope you have a good day Missing.....As my previous post states I thought I was better.....I think the is really after me:|

 

[MaryBears]

Good morning everyone!!!

The jokes that have been left the last couple of days have been great!!! Thank you.


Hope it is a marvelous day for ya'll!!!

{{{{{{{{{{{Kayte}}}}}}}}}}}} Good afternoon.....So glad to see you....I do hope your doing well....And thanks for the jokes..... Have a wonderful day!!!!!!!!!!

 

[FRENCHIE44T]

HELLO

HELLO EVERYONE



ARE WE ALL OK??????