The Bears Den
- Thread starter MaryBears
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MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
PassionsFlame said:Happy thanksgivng to everyone_ be safe and have a good time!
Thanks Passions.......Hope you have a great one too....
By the way....the pic that didn't post right....i am posting it in a way that you can see it...
Last edited:
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car
w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing
cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom.
Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do
something, ask if they want fries with
that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join
you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk
and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3
weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to
espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks,
write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with,
"That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with
"In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so
that the brightness level lights up
the entire work area. Insist to others
that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather
than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh
hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through
order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why
the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and
buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them
one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is of the
opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the
company to tell them what you're doing.
For example, "If anyone needs me,
I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your
cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your
friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for
emergencies.
24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say
anything.
25) Have your coworkers address you
by your wrestling name
26) When the money comes out of the
ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time
this week!!!"
27) When leaving the zoo, start running
towards the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices
in my head that bother me, its the voices
in your head that do."
29) Tell your children over dinner.
"Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
30) Every time you see a broom, yell
"Honey, your mother is here!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity....
31. Send this e-mail to everyone in
your address book, even if they sent it
to you or have asked you not to send
them stuff like this.
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car
w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing
cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom.
Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do
something, ask if they want fries with
that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join
you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk
and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3
weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to
espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks,
write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with,
"That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with
"In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so
that the brightness level lights up
the entire work area. Insist to others
that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather
than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh
hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through
order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why
the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and
buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them
one day after your boss does. (This is
especially effective if your boss is of the
opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the
company to tell them what you're doing.
For example, "If anyone needs me,
I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
21) Put mosquito netting around your
cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your
friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for
emergencies.
24) Call the psychic hotline and don't say
anything.
25) Have your coworkers address you
by your wrestling name
26) When the money comes out of the
ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time
this week!!!"
27) When leaving the zoo, start running
towards the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices
in my head that bother me, its the voices
in your head that do."
29) Tell your children over dinner.
"Due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
30) Every time you see a broom, yell
"Honey, your mother is here!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity....
31. Send this e-mail to everyone in
your address book, even if they sent it
to you or have asked you not to send
them stuff like this.
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
CURE FOR SUNBURN
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony.
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor smiled, "It'll help keep the sheets off his legs."
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony.
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor smiled, "It'll help keep the sheets off his legs."
Missingmeds
Just being
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,831
Good one MaryBears.
Here's one for us women.
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've
used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom
told me it was the best. Now that I am older & going through
menopause, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My
unfeeling & uncaring husband started to berate me about how
clumsy I was & generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another & I ended up with a lot of
his blood on my white blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped & got a
bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, & to my
surprise & satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who
came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative &
my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a
suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
Signed,
A relieved menopausal wife
Here's one for us women.
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've
used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom
told me it was the best. Now that I am older & going through
menopause, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My
unfeeling & uncaring husband started to berate me about how
clumsy I was & generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another & I ended up with a lot of
his blood on my white blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped & got a
bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, & to my
surprise & satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who
came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative &
my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a
suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
Signed,
A relieved menopausal wife
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Match Made in Heaven
Good morning everybody!!!! Hope it was a great holiday!!
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
Good morning everybody!!!! Hope it was a great holiday!!
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
Missingmeds
Just being
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,831
I like that one kayte.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Where Was Jesus Born?
Good afternoon Missing!!!
Here is another, hope you enjoy this one as well.
A lifelong unchurched man suddenly develops a vague religious urge and decides to join a church--any church. So he sets out to find one.
His first stop is a Roman Catholic church where he asks what he has to do to join. The priest mentions diligent study and the affirmation of the Nicene and Apostles' Creeds, then--just to see how much the man knows--asks him where Jesus was born. "Pittsburgh," he answers. "Get out!" cries the shocked priest.
Next stop is a Southern Baptist church where the seeker is told he would have to learn Bible verses, swear belief in the Nicene and Apostles' creeds, swear off booze, and be baptized ("By immersion, not just some sissy sprinklin'"). The Baptist preacher then, to see how much this man knows, asks him where Jesus was born. "Philadelphia?" he asks tentatively (once bitten, twice shy). "Get out, you heathen!" yells the preacher.
Our perplexed protagonist finally walks into a Unitarian church where he is told all he has to do is sign a membership card. "You mean I don't have to renounce anything, swear to anything, or be dunked in anything?" "That's right. We have no special tests for membership, no dogma. We support total individual freedom of belief." "Then I'll join! But tell me--where was Jesus born?" "Why, Bethlehem, of course." The man's face lights up. "I knew it was some place in Pennsylvania!"
Missingmeds said:
Good afternoon Missing!!!
Here is another, hope you enjoy this one as well.
A lifelong unchurched man suddenly develops a vague religious urge and decides to join a church--any church. So he sets out to find one.
His first stop is a Roman Catholic church where he asks what he has to do to join. The priest mentions diligent study and the affirmation of the Nicene and Apostles' Creeds, then--just to see how much the man knows--asks him where Jesus was born. "Pittsburgh," he answers. "Get out!" cries the shocked priest.
Next stop is a Southern Baptist church where the seeker is told he would have to learn Bible verses, swear belief in the Nicene and Apostles' creeds, swear off booze, and be baptized ("By immersion, not just some sissy sprinklin'"). The Baptist preacher then, to see how much this man knows, asks him where Jesus was born. "Philadelphia?" he asks tentatively (once bitten, twice shy). "Get out, you heathen!" yells the preacher.
Our perplexed protagonist finally walks into a Unitarian church where he is told all he has to do is sign a membership card. "You mean I don't have to renounce anything, swear to anything, or be dunked in anything?" "That's right. We have no special tests for membership, no dogma. We support total individual freedom of belief." "Then I'll join! But tell me--where was Jesus born?" "Why, Bethlehem, of course." The man's face lights up. "I knew it was some place in Pennsylvania!"
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Good Evening all....
Thanks for the good jokes.....I am so glad that you all left them to make my day......Very GOOD keep them coming.....
{{{{{{{{missing}}}}}}}}} glad to see you....and keep coming back...
{{{{{{kayte}}}}}}}} so glad that your well.....Good to see you and I hope to see more jokes from you
Thanks for the good jokes.....I am so glad that you all left them to make my day......Very GOOD keep them coming.....
{{{{{{{{missing}}}}}}}}} glad to see you....and keep coming back...
{{{{{{kayte}}}}}}}} so glad that your well.....Good to see you and I hope to see more jokes from you
FRENCHIE44T
Lover of oral sex
- Joined
- May 27, 2003
- Posts
- 16,625
HELLO
Giving you a bump and saying Hello
Giving you a bump and saying Hello
Missingmeds
Just being
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,831
One more for the day.
Things to think about
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why doesn't toothpaste ever go rotten?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
On electric toasters why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move the wrong way?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner reach down pick it up examine it then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use
them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?
Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?
What is the point of brick wallpaper?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?
If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend who really is the dumber sex?
Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?
Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Why do women never say what they want or mean because they always expect men to innately know what they are thinking? Do they think men are psychic?
Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?
Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all, there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?
Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?
If at first you don't succeed shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
If an optimist fell from a ten story building would he yell out to his friends 'All right so far' as he passed each floor?
Things to think about
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why doesn't toothpaste ever go rotten?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
On electric toasters why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move the wrong way?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner reach down pick it up examine it then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use
them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?
Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?
What is the point of brick wallpaper?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?
If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend who really is the dumber sex?
Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?
Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Why do women never say what they want or mean because they always expect men to innately know what they are thinking? Do they think men are psychic?
Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?
Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all, there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?
Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?
If at first you don't succeed shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
If an optimist fell from a ten story building would he yell out to his friends 'All right so far' as he passed each floor?
Puddin36
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2001
- Posts
- 1,853
A big hello to all of you. Sounds like we all had a good holiday. Lots of food, friends, and family to share the holiday with.
Mary........so good to hear that you are feeling better and were able to enjoy the wonderful food.
Hope we all took the time to remember what we are thankful for. May everyone have a wonderful fun filled festive holiday to come.
Hugs, Puddin
Mary........so good to hear that you are feeling better and were able to enjoy the wonderful food.
Hope we all took the time to remember what we are thankful for. May everyone have a wonderful fun filled festive holiday to come.
Hugs, Puddin
Missingmeds
Just being
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,831
Good to see you Pudding. We all need to keep what we are thankful for in mind year round.
Missingmeds
Just being
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,831
One more and then I am done for the evening.
Bubba Claus Is Coming To Town!
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the
following carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only
certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As
part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One
is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the
other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth
Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming
to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM
radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's
"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
Bubba Claus Is Coming To Town!
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the
following carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only
certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As
part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One
is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the
other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth
Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming
to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM
radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's
"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Puddin36 said:
{{{{{Puddin}}}}}}} How are you?
Yes it was great to be able to eat....and Damn it was good food too....
I am in the process of creating a bear's den pic.....I am slowly learning how to create pics and globes using the PSP 8 program...I am so addicted.
Missingmeds
Just being
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,831
Here's one (no offense intended) to start the day for you all.
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone
bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my
business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost
mybusiness, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
Theblonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.... "Sweetheart, work
with Me on this... Buy a ticket.".
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone
bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my
business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost
mybusiness, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
Theblonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.... "Sweetheart, work
with Me on this... Buy a ticket.".
FRENCHIE44T
Lover of oral sex
- Joined
- May 27, 2003
- Posts
- 16,625
What a foul day we have over here (U K) today. Blowing a gale and wet with it. Rather be in Barbados or Jamaca
kiltsr4guys
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2003
- Posts
- 272
weather
Ya.........it just blows warmer air down there when the hurricanes hit. hey your "click on my www is broken......FYI
FRENCHIE44T said:
Ya.........it just blows warmer air down there when the hurricanes hit. hey your "click on my www is broken......FYI
FRENCHIE44T
Lover of oral sex
- Joined
- May 27, 2003
- Posts
- 16,625
Re: weather
Its the www in blue on the bottom line along where it says profile etc
kiltsr4guys said:
Its the www in blue on the bottom line along where it says profile etc
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