kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
The Bears Den
- Thread starter MaryBears
- Start date
- Status
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Chuckle
Your very welcome
I hope you like it...I have coupons sent to my emails....Sometimes you can get free dvd's or vhs porn.....plus other things
kayte said:Thank you for the link. *hugs* If I disappear, you know what I am surfing.
Your very welcome
I hope you like it...I have coupons sent to my emails....Sometimes you can get free dvd's or vhs porn.....plus other things
Puddin36
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2001
- Posts
- 1,853
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Chuckle
{{{{{{{{{{{{kayte}}}}}}}}}}} I have a toy that is very similar to the one pictured, but mine is pink and doesn't have all that metal. It has a cord attached to the operating buttons. I only paid 50.00 for mine........I say only 50.00 because it paid for itself the first time I used it. It is called the wascally wabbit!!!! Best damn toy that I have ever come across. I ordered mine thru Adam & Eve, and they too are pretty descreet about their shipments. Anyway, hope that you get one, you won;t regret it!!!!!
Warm Huggles to all.............Puddin
kayte said:
{{{{{{{{{{{{kayte}}}}}}}}}}} I have a toy that is very similar to the one pictured, but mine is pink and doesn't have all that metal. It has a cord attached to the operating buttons. I only paid 50.00 for mine........I say only 50.00 because it paid for itself the first time I used it. It is called the wascally wabbit!!!! Best damn toy that I have ever come across. I ordered mine thru Adam & Eve, and they too are pretty descreet about their shipments. Anyway, hope that you get one, you won;t regret it!!!!!
Warm Huggles to all.............Puddin
Missingmeds
Just being
- Joined
- Nov 23, 2003
- Posts
- 25,831
Hello to everyone. Hope you are all enjoying yourselves.
Rules of Chocolate
If you've got melted chocolate
all over your hands,
you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins,
cherries, orange slices &
strawberries all count as fruit,
so eat as many as you want.
The problem:
How to get 2 pounds of chocolate
home from the store in hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your
appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can
provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place.
Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate,
it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate,
what's wrong with you? If calories are an issue,
store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and
they will jump out of the chocolate
to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and
white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization
as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there
would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated. I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter!!!
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of
your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Rules of Chocolate
If you've got melted chocolate
all over your hands,
you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins,
cherries, orange slices &
strawberries all count as fruit,
so eat as many as you want.
The problem:
How to get 2 pounds of chocolate
home from the store in hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your
appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can
provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place.
Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate,
it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate,
what's wrong with you? If calories are an issue,
store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and
they will jump out of the chocolate
to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and
white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization
as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there
would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated. I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter!!!
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of
your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
A Chuckle for you
A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. One of them approached the colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!"
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said: "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know... It's only 2130 now."
A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. One of them approached the colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!"
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said: "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know... It's only 2130 now."
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Chuckle
{{{{{{{{{{{{Puddin}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Good to see you hun....
I have a blue jellied rabbit vibrator....it is good but it is so big.....*blushes* ...it stretches you beyound limits.....I have other favorites.....
Puddin36 said:
{{{{{{{{{{{{Puddin}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Good to see you hun....
I have a blue jellied rabbit vibrator....it is good but it is so big.....*blushes* ...it stretches you beyound limits.....I have other favorites.....
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.
But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...
when you are happy...
no one sees your smile.
But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
"Bill of Non-Rights"
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others.
If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from. (lastly....)
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!
If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish.
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others.
If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from. (lastly....)
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!
If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish.
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
>family member lay gravely ill.
>
>Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
>
>"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
>faces.
>
>"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
>
>It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
>
>Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
>yourselves."
>
>The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
>of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
>
>The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
>brain."
>
>The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
>contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
>
>A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
>wanted to ask,
>
>"Why is the male brain so much more?"
>
>The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
>group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the
>female brains, because they've actually been used."
>SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN
>HANDLE IT
>family member lay gravely ill.
>
>Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
>
>"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
>faces.
>
>"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
>
>It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
>
>Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
>yourselves."
>
>The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
>of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
>
>The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
>brain."
>
>The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
>contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
>
>A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
>wanted to ask,
>
>"Why is the male brain so much more?"
>
>The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
>group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the
>female brains, because they've actually been used."
>SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN
>HANDLE IT
Puddin36
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2001
- Posts
- 1,853
Hello to one and all here at the Den. A lot of great stories and jokes tonight. It is such a pleasure to come here and find such friendships and an abundance of laughter. Hope everyone had a great night and an even better tomorrow.
Warm Huggles to all............Puddin
Warm Huggles to all............Puddin
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Puddin36 said:
Good morning {{{{{{{{{{Puddin}}}}}}}
The Den certainly is a nice place to drop in to. Gee, my 4th grade grammar teacher must be ready to shoot me for that one.
Hope your night was a calm and restful one and your day is a marvelous one.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
MaryBears said:
Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{ Mary }}}}}}}}}}}}
That was definitely the one to be the first one I saw on the thread this morning. LOL.Thanks for all you jokes sweetie. Hope you had a good and restful night and you awake feeling refreshed. See you later darlin.
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling
"Good idea."
Really means...
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means...
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means...
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means...
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling
"Good idea."
Really means...
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means...
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means...
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means...
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means...
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means...
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
kayte said:Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{ Mary }}}}}}}}}}}}
Thanks for all you jokes sweetie. Hope you had a good and restful night and you awake feeling refreshed. See you later darlin.
Good Morning {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kayte}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
LOL glad you like them......and I am always happy to know that the jokes put a smile on peoples faces......
Hope you have a wonderful day and stay warm and safe......I sleep good after I went to sleep....the getting to sleep is my problem.
Well got to get laundry done today.....so as soon as i read emails and gather it i will head to the laundramat...UGGGH.
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
This proves women are smarter
Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee.
TOTAL: $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
TOTAL: $1,350.00
Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee.
TOTAL: $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
TOTAL: $1,350.00
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
MaryBears
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- Posts
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FRENCHIE44T
Lover of oral sex
- Joined
- May 27, 2003
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Re: Blonde Pole Dance
Whatcan I say??
AAAAAAwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhh SWEET
MaryBears said:
Whatcan I say??
AAAAAAwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhh SWEET
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1 Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there. (I love this one...)
))4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh. Always remember to forget
the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings
that come each day.
Puddin36
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 13, 2001
- Posts
- 1,853
Good Evening all
Hello to everyone here at the Den. Another day for some good jokes.......thanks for sharing. I finally had a restful nights sleep as well and woke up feeling refreshed. So far the day has been productive.........now I have some time to sit back and relax. Hope everyone had a super fantastic day.
Warm Huggles to everyone.............Puddin
Hello to everyone here at the Den. Another day for some good jokes.......thanks for sharing. I finally had a restful nights sleep as well and woke up feeling refreshed. So far the day has been productive.........now I have some time to sit back and relax. Hope everyone had a super fantastic day.
Warm Huggles to everyone.............Puddin
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
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- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Here is another Chuckle
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
> behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I
> better see a doctor."
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
> Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give
> it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do
> about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper
> than a doctor."
>
> So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
> WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
> the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds
> later,the computer ejects printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm
> in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
> weeks."
>
> That evening while how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to WalMart,
eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a
> water softener.
>
> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him
> with anti-fungal shampoo.
>
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
> Get her into rehab.
>
> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a
> lawyer.
>
> 5. If you don't stop playing with
> yourself, your elbow will never get better.
>
> Thank you for shopping at WalMart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
> behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I
> better see a doctor."
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
> Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give
> it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do
> about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper
> than a doctor."
>
> So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
> WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
> the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds
> later,the computer ejects printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm
> in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
> weeks."
>
> That evening while how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to WalMart,
eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a
> water softener.
>
> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him
> with anti-fungal shampoo.
>
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
> Get her into rehab.
>
> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a
> lawyer.
>
> 5. If you don't stop playing with
> yourself, your elbow will never get better.
>
> Thank you for shopping at WalMart
MaryBears
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2003
- Posts
- 23,590
Re: Good Evening all
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Puddin}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Glad to hear that you got rest last night.....Also glad that you like the jokes.....I have some friends that love to email jokes so I pass them on in here......Got to love friends that think enough to send you emails....
Puddin36 said:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Puddin}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Glad to hear that you got rest last night.....Also glad that you like the jokes.....I have some friends that love to email jokes so I pass them on in here......Got to love friends that think enough to send you emails....
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