The Bears Den

[Puddin36]

Here is another Chuckle


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
> behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I
> better see a doctor."
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
> Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give
> it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do
> about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper
> than a doctor."
>
> So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
> WalMart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
> the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds
> later,the computer ejects printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm
> in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
> weeks."
>
> That evening while how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to WalMart,
eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a
> water softener.
>
> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him
> with anti-fungal shampoo.
>
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
> Get her into rehab.
>
> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a
> lawyer.
>
> 5. If you don't stop playing with
> yourself, your elbow will never get better.
>
> Thank you for shopping at WalMart

Oh my goodness MaryBears.........this one was hilarious........I'm still laughing and praying that I can remember enough of this one accurately so I can tell a friend. This one has to be one of best I have read in long time. Thanks so much for sharing.

Warm happy huggles to everyone..........Puddin

 

[MaryBears]

Oh my goodness MaryBears.........this one was hilarious........I'm still laughing and praying that I can remember enough of this one accurately so I can tell a friend. This one has to be one of best I have read in long time. Thanks so much for sharing.

Warm happy huggles to everyone..........Puddin

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Puddin}}}}}}}}}}}}} your welcome!!! And does it make you feel better to laugh....It sure does me.....Print it out and let your friend read it....


Hope you have a wonderful day!!!! I get to go to the pool....mmmmmmmm I do love the pool.

 

[MaryBears]

This is a lil rude and crude but I have to share it anyways.....I hope it don't offend anyone. http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funny/abc.htm

 

[MaryBears]

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun. a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

[kayte]

Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}}}} Those jokes are great!!!! Thank you. I have a big smile on my face and that is always a wonderful way to start the day.

Hope things are going well for you hon.

 

[MaryBears]

Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}}}} Those jokes are great!!!! Thank you. I have a big smile on my face and that is always a wonderful way to start the day.

Hope things are going well for you hon.

Good Evening {{{{{{{{{{Kayte}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Your very welcome.....I am glad that you got a good laugh.

I had a good day....just tiring....i went to work out and then came home, took trash out, did dishes twiced , fixed fruit salad and two big pots of vegetable soup.......So know i am tired

 

[MaryBears]

Mailman


One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on
his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars
are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming
out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last
night." The Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday
night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning."
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the
Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so
drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go
in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us
and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the
women try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was
guessed four or five times."

 

[PassionsFlame]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Chuckle

Great story!!!!!

What do you think of this?

http://www.mypleasure.com/store/assets/product_images/0749.jpg

Ooooooooooooh!!! What Have I MISSED?!?!!?

 

[MaryBears]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Chuckle

Ooooooooooooh!!! What Have I MISSED?!?!!?

{{{{{{{{{{passions}}}}}}}}}}}}} never know what we will find on this board

 

[MaryBears]

This one I got off one of the other threads.....but I had to pass it on


A middle-aged woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking but how old do you think I am?" "About 32" is the reply. "I'm exactly 47" the woman says happily.

A little later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29". The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeliing really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly respons, "i'm 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home she asks an old man the same questions. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They wait in silence on this empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this she says, "okay, okay, that's enough....how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam you are 47." Stunned and amazed the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?". The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad." "No, I won't" she says. He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.!

 

[kayte]

This one I got off one of the other threads.....but I had to pass it on


A middle-aged woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking but how old do you think I am?" "About 32" is the reply. "I'm exactly 47" the woman says happily.

A little later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29". The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeliing really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly respons, "i'm 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home she asks an old man the same questions. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They wait in silence on this empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this she says, "okay, okay, that's enough....how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam you are 47." Stunned and amazed the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?". The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad." "No, I won't" she says. He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.!

Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}}

Take care and keep yourself warm today. It is terrible cold where I am today.

That is a great joke!!! LOL. Glad I didn't have my coffee in my hand while I was reading it.

 

[FRENCHIE44T]

Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}}

Take care and keep yourself warm today. It is terrible cold where I am today.

That is a great joke!!! LOL. Glad I didn't have my coffee in my hand while I was reading it.

Kayte, if I was that age what would you need to touch to decide to see if you were right??

 

[kayte]

Kayte, if I was that age what would you need to touch to decide to see if you were right??

Hmmmmm......

You are putting such ish thoughts in my head this morning!!!!

Hey, you are almost up to 1000 posts!!!! Have you decided on your title?

 

[MaryBears]

Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}}

Take care and keep yourself warm today. It is terrible cold where I am today.

That is a great joke!!! LOL. Glad I didn't have my coffee in my hand while I was reading it.

good morning {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kayte}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am going to take care....but the staying warm part...not sure about that....I have to go to a dr appointment....so out in the cold i go.

Glad you liked the joke.....and even more glad that you didn't have coffee in your hand or mouth....

 

[MaryBears]

Kayte, if I was that age what would you need to touch to decide to see if you were right??

{{{{{{Frenchie}}}}}}}} ummmmmmm cum here and find out how old i am....hehehe....

 

[MaryBears]

http://www.cutefunnyanimals.com/Funny/catshower.jpg

 

[MaryBears]

http://www.cutefunnyanimals.com/Funny/nodoggy.jpg

 

[FRENCHIE44T]

MARY, NICE PUSSY

 

[MaryBears]

MARY, NICE PUSSY

FRENCHIE Well thanks there hun........glad you like it.....hehe....

 

[MaryBears]

Good Evening everyone.....


I hope everyone is having a wonderful evening.....Mine is ok as of right now but it may get bad before the night is over.....I had to have an ingrown toenail cut out and some other lil things freezed off the bottom of my feet.....Well the numbness is wearing off and I am allergic to pain killers so it is starting to throb........but I will have to be tough.

 

[MaryBears]

OMG I about wet myself from laughing at this one......


An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, ".....it's just someone having holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what's happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they're just having their head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "....you'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

 

[MaryBears]

Moments in Life

There are moments in life when you miss someone
so much that you just want to pick them from
your dreams and hug them for real!

When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one,
which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile,
because it takes only a smile to
make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go;
be what you want to be,
because you have only one life
and one chance to do all the things
you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of
everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always
be based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end,
you're the one who is smiling and everyone
around you is crying.


Please send this message to those people
who mean something to you (I JUST DID);
to those who have touched your life in one way or another;
to those who make you smile when you really need it;
to those who make you see the
brighter side of things when you are really down;
to those whose friendship you appreciate;
to those who are so meaningful in your life.


If you don't send it, don't worry,
nothing bad will happen to you;
you will just miss out on the opportunity
to brighten someone's day with this message!!!

Don't count the years-count the memories...........

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take;
but by the moments that take our breath away!

 

[MaryBears]

Angel Dust


This is so very pretty.....and true....yes it is sort of sentimental but sometimes these help me when I am in my depressed moods so I do read this sort of thing too.

 

[MaryBears]

Here is another sentimental one...LOVE YOU ALL!!!




I AM THANKFUL



FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S

HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE

SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND

NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.



FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON

THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO,

BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME

AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.



FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS

COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING

DISHES BECAUSE THAT MEANS

SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE

STREETS.



FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY

BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I

AM EMPLOYED.



FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER

A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT

I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY

FRIENDS.



FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A

LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT

MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.



FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES

ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS

I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.



FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,

WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,

AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING

BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.



FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I

HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT

BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE

HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.



FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND

AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING

LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM

CAPABLE OF WALKING AND THAT

I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.



FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL

BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.



FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN

CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF KEY

BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I

CAN HEAR.



FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND

IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I

HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.



FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING

MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE

DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE

BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.



FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF

IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS

BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM

ALIVE.



AND FINALLY...

FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE

IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO

ARE THINKING OF ME.



SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU

CARE ABOUT. . . I JUST DID.



Love you all!

 

[kayte]

Angel Dust


This is so very pretty.....and true....yes it is sort of sentimental but sometimes these help me when I am in my depressed moods so I do read this sort of thing too.

Good morning {{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}}

Thank you so much for the Angle Dust link. That is marvelous and a wonderful thing to see as I wake up.