The Bears Den

[MaryBears]

Re: Great jokes!!!!

Love them all, and no offense taken Cat.
One of my favorites, old but good:

This little by liked playing in his mom's closet. One day while in there he heard his mom with someone in the bed room. He waited quietly.
Suddenly the front door slams and his dad yells" Surprise I'm home early." Bang this guy's in the closet with him.
Little boy says " Sure is dark in here."
"SHHHH" says the guy.
Little boy:"Mister would you like to buy my teddy bear?"
G: "NO. Be quiet."
LB: "Bet my dad would like to buy my teddy bear"
G: "OK, how much?"
LB: "$50"
G: "Thats rediculous"
LB: "Bet my dad would...."
G: "OK OK, Here"
He pays and slips out with the teddy bear.
Next day Mom is cleaning house and notices the bear is gone.
"What happened to your bear?"
"I sold it."
"You did, for how much?"
Little boy proudly proclaims "50 bucks"
Mom : "For that old bear, that's like stealing"
"You're going to confession."
This was his something new to him.
At he church she puts in in the confessional and shuts the door.
He sits there a second in the dark.
Then he says" Sure is dark in here."
This voice comes thru the wall "DON"T START THAT SHIT AGAIN!"



Kind of long one, hope you enjoy it
H

Hodnett~~~~ thanks for sharing the joke.....always love a good chuckle.....please cum back and visit us at the Bears Den......Always love to have more join in.....Have a good one

 

[MaryBears]

Today has been a busy day....I was in three different dr offices today.....Went to the first to get my allergy shot....then to the second for a general check up and he checked out my accident wounds......then third was to the foot dr to get my in grown toenail removal/accident checked....they took another x-ray and low and behold...guess what they found......and fractured toe.....and and very infected one....*Pouts*.....so now i am on antibotics and they can't do much for my fracture..... oh how my life goes

 

[Missingmeds]

A little something that came in the mail....

NAIL IN THE FENCE

Make sure you read all the way down to the last
sentence.

(Most importantly the last sentence.)

There once was a little boy who had a bad
temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails
and told him that every time he lost his
temper, he must hammer a nail into the back
of the fence. The first day the boy had
driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next
few weeks, as he learned to control his
anger, the number of nails hammered daily
gradually dwindled down. He discovered
it was easier to hold his temper than to
drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't
lose his temper at all. He told his father
about it and the father suggested that the
boy now pull out one nail for each day that
he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally
able to tell his father that all the nails
were gone.

The father took his son by the
hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You
have done well, my son, but look at the
holes in the fence. The fence will never be
the same. When you say things in anger,
they leave a scar just like this one. You
can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm
sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal
wound is as bad as a physical one.


Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They
make you smile and encourage you to succeed.
They lend an ear, they share words of praise
and they always want to open their hearts to us."


It's National Friendship Week. Show your
friends! how much you care. Send this to
everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if
it means sending it back to the person who
sent it to you. If it comes back to you,
then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED!
Now send this to every friend you have!! And to
your family.

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole

 

[MaryBears]

A little something that came in the mail....

NAIL IN THE FENCE

Make sure you read all the way down to the last
sentence.

(Most importantly the last sentence.)

There once was a little boy who had a bad
temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails
and told him that every time he lost his
temper, he must hammer a nail into the back
of the fence. The first day the boy had
driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next
few weeks, as he learned to control his
anger, the number of nails hammered daily
gradually dwindled down. He discovered
it was easier to hold his temper than to
drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't
lose his temper at all. He told his father
about it and the father suggested that the
boy now pull out one nail for each day that
he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally
able to tell his father that all the nails
were gone.

The father took his son by the
hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You
have done well, my son, but look at the
holes in the fence. The fence will never be
the same. When you say things in anger,
they leave a scar just like this one. You
can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm
sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal
wound is as bad as a physical one.


Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They
make you smile and encourage you to succeed.
They lend an ear, they share words of praise
and they always want to open their hearts to us."


It's National Friendship Week. Show your
friends! how much you care. Send this to
everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if
it means sending it back to the person who
sent it to you. If it comes back to you,
then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED!
Now send this to every friend you have!! And to
your family.

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole

Thanks Missing for sharing......I really liked that one.....

 

[MaryBears]

If you ever feel stupid,then just read on.If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries In France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
23) Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
24) And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
25) If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
26) One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
27) If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
28) If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
29) If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
30) In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
31) Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
32) How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
33) You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
34) English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
35) That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible

 

[MaryBears]

http://chewbacca.ilrt.bris.ac.uk/~plmlp/funnies/exhaustfucked.jpg

 

[MaryBears]

Man giving birth

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/images/menpreg.jpg

 

[MaryBears]

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/images/urinal.jpg

 

[MaryBears]

THE JOYS OF WOMANHOOD



When I was 16, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a boy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a boy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting boy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one party to another, never settling on anything. He did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a boy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious boy with his feet planted firmly on the ground so I moved in with him. He was so ambitious that he dumped me and took everything I owned.

I am older now and am looking for a guy with a very big dick.

 

[MaryBears]

20 REASONS WHY A QUICKIE BEATS MARATHON SEX



1. No repetitive-stress injuries.

2. Knocks out insomnia faster than two tabs of Tylenol PM and a Bud tallboy.

3. Two words: less sweat.

4. On deadline? No problem!

5. Saves on batteries.

6. No guilt associated with saying, "I think it's time for you to go home now."

7. Two more words: stress reduction.

8. Makes for an interesting elevator ride.

9. Won't ruin your lipstick.

10. Great way to kill time while stuck in traffic on the way to the beach (if you don't mind rubberneckers).

11. Sometimes you just don't want your toes sucked.

12. You don't have to worry about remembering your partner's name.

13. Performance anxiety? What's that?

14. It's something to do while talking to your parents on the phone.

15. Doesn't give you enough time to notice he or she smells bad.

16. You don't have to suffer the embarrassment of having an orgasm in front of someone you hardly know.

17. You can have your after-sex cig in the cab. That is, after having sex in the cab.

18. A line doesn't form outside the bathroom at the party.

19. Dinner doesn't get cold.

20. Pillow talk? What's that!

 

[kayte]

If you ever feel stupid,then just read on.If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries In France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
23) Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
24) And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
25) If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
26) One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
27) If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
28) If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
29) If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
30) In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
31) Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
32) How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
33) You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
34) English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
35) That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible

Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}}}} All of the funny posts you made are great, but I do so love the one I quoted!!!

Hope you got all the rest you needed and that your ouchie is continuing to heal!!!

 

[MaryBears]

Good morning {{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}}}} All of the funny posts you made are great, but I do so love the one I quoted!!!

Hope you got all the rest you needed and that your ouchie is continuing to heal!!!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kayte}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Good Morning

Thanks!!! I am so glad you liked the funnies......I thought they where worth sharing.

Thanks for your caring thoughts.....It is a slow process but they will be fine in time.....I am on an antibotic know to get rid of some of the infection of them.....my toe is infected and fractured.

 

[Palleon]

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

 

[MaryBears]

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY PALL hope you have a wonderful day....

 

[kayte]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kayte}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Good Morning

Thanks!!! I am so glad you liked the funnies......I thought they where worth sharing.

Thanks for your caring thoughts.....It is a slow process but they will be fine in time.....I am on an antibotic know to get rid of some of the infection of them.....my toe is infected and fractured.

{{{{{{Mary}}}}} Darling, glad you are being treated for the infection... Those things can be so opportunistic. Take care hon.


Here is another chuckle..... Hope you like it!!!

Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

 

[MaryBears]

{{{{{{Mary}}}}} Darling, glad you are being treated for the infection... Those things can be so opportunistic. Take care hon.


Here is another chuckle..... Hope you like it!!!

Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kayte}}}}}}}}}}

LMAO................I loved that!!!!! Thanks Kayte for sharing........

 

[MaryBears]

A Dogs Prayer

Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
another?

Dear God, When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same
old story?

Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?
How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy
fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?

Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember
to be a good dog:



I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.



I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the
way they smell.



I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are
tasty, they are not food.



The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.



The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.



The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.



My head does not belong in the refrigerator.



I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and registration.



I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.



Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying
hello.



I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.



I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.



I will not throw up in the car.



I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
carpet.



The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God, May I have my testicles back?

 

[MaryBears]

to ALL
BITCHOLOGY



When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I

speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way,

they call me a bitch.



Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart It

means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step

on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I

am defined as a bitch.



The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being

everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have

the

courage and strength to allow myself to be who I

truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I

"should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.

I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!



So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash

every ounce of beauty I hold within me! You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am

proud to

bear it.



B - Babe

I - In

T - Total

C - Control of

H - Herself



B = Beautiful

I = Intelligent

T = Talented

C = Charming

H = Hell of a Woman



B = Beautiful

I = Individual

T = That

C = Can

H = Handle anything



B=Beautiful

I=Individual

T=That

C=Causes

H=Hardons



Send this to 5 women to put a smile on their face!! "If you can't

do something right, get a woman to do it"

 

[catsr2wild]

A Dogs Prayer

Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
another?

Dear God, When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same
old story?

Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?
How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy
fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?

Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember
to be a good dog:



I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.



I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the
way they smell.



I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are
tasty, they are not food.



The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.



The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.



The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.



My head does not belong in the refrigerator.



I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and registration.



I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.



Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying
hello.



I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.



I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.



I will not throw up in the car.



I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the
carpet.



The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God, May I have my testicles back?

Oh Mary you must let Shreik see these...he is so disgusted with the dog...lol

 

[MaryBears]

Oh Mary you must let Shreik see these...he is so disgusted with the dog...lol

Well Point him to this thread......I always like to have new visitors.....and hopefully permenant den members....

 

[Shreik]

these are great thank you for the invite deary

 

[bra_man69]

hi

 

[MaryBears]

these are great thank you for the invite deary

Your so very welcome.....I do hope you cum back errr....visit often.....

 

[MaryBears]

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way.

He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."


The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."

The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn''t matter,
I want to buy those women a drink."

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies
acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads.

About a half-hour later, the man
approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."

The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."

The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me
any good?"

The first lady says, "We're lesbians."

The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"

The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."

The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

 

[Palleon]

Hi Mary, drop by this thread, I just left a strip there(it is a strip club)

You should have seen how wild Kayte got the other day. I didnt know she did those things

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=7502982#post7502982