The Glass Cage

[Don K Dyck]

Light

I sat in darkness
Surrounded by the nothingness
Of despair and fear

My life was empty
Unfulfilled, useless
Unneeded and unwanted

The years have given me
Nothing but pain
Heartache and Misery

I’d long since
Stopped looking
For a ray of light

I resigned myself
To a life of darkness
Unrelieved by hope

It became unbearable
I could no longer take
This endless existence

I decided that
Enough was enough
No more, let it end

My mind made up
To stop fighting and
Let the dark consume me.

I ceased to struggle
Letting it flow over me
Until it was all.

Just as I thought
The end had arrived
A ray of light touched me

It’s just a flicker
I thought to myself
Not really there

Then again it came
This time it flared brighter
As I shielded my eyes

A tiny thread of warmth
Where there had been
Only cold and death

It spun in place
Once, twice, again
Always returning

Soon there was another
Shining apart from
But soon joining the first

Then another and still more
Each shining out of the dark
Joining one to the other

Soon where there had been
Nothing but darkness and cold
There shown a light as bright as day

A warmth flowed over me
Chasing the cold from me
As the light reached my heart

I feel it calling
Wanting me to enter
But my fears still hold me

I reach for the light
Wanting to bath in its heat
To be a part of it

Yet a wall of glass
Stands between us
A wall I must break

I raise my fist
I beat upon it
I bruise my soul

A shadow of cracks
Barely to be seen
Start to run through it

Time must pass
Before the cracks
Grow into breaks

But now there is time
Now I can see hope
And again I will fight

Beautiful poetry in a beautiful world . . . thank you Kiki . . . you still have much to do in your life . . .

 

[Arden]

Light

...Time must pass
Before the cracks
Grow into breaks

But now there is time
Now I can see hope
And again I will fight

Fight with everything you have, Kiki.
Your heart, your soul, your mind, your very being.
You are much loved.

 

[smilingblues]

kikmosa,

Thank you for allowing us the honor to know you in such a private way. Many times I've been awakened from the quiet I sought. I, too, want to have a voice.

Your words ring true, your thoughts are inside all of us.

The beautiful sentiment in "Light" gives me great hope. I know that, now, you will make it because I can see your words so clear. Please don't stop writing. There are some things that can only be set free this way.

Thank you.
smilingblues

 

[kikmosa]

Memories

I sit and stare for hours
My eyes burning as the
Tears stream down my face

I feel again his touch
The pain flaring as
He plays his games

I try to silence my mind
To stay in the here and now
To avoid this memory

Yet again my mind
Betrays me as it
Dredges up memories

Sometimes just a word
Will start the trip
Sometimes just a sound

Over and over I’m thrust
Into the past tortures
Inflicted upon me

I hear his voice
Telling me again
How worthless I am

I see his lips as the words
Are formed, words of scorn
Contempt and hatred

I feel his hand as it
Strikes against me
Leaving blood and bruises

God, how I wish
I could erase those
Memories of then

How I wish I could
Take all the pain and
Anger inside of me

Wash it from my mind
Let it not have happened
Let the memories end

But there is but one way
To cleanse the pain away
And I have given my word

So I sit and cry for hours
As my mind takes me on a tour
Of all the darkness it has stored

Waiting until my mind
Can no longer go on
And ends the pain forever

 

[Don K Dyck]

Memories

I sit and stare for hours
My eyes burning as the
Tears stream down my face

I

Hi Kiki, That is a very touching piece of poetry . . . but the sentiments are behind you now . . . you are a strong woman . . . you survived hell . . . you remain strong and as the pain fades away, you will go on to a happy future . . . the doubts and fears and anguish are part of the healing . . . let them go by wharever means are necessary . . . writing poetry is a beautiful way of release . . .

Don

 

[kikmosa]

Hi Kiki, That is a very touching piece of poetry . . . but the sentiments are behind you now . . . you are a strong woman . . . you survived hell . . . you remain strong and as the pain fades away, you will go on to a happy future . . . the doubts and fears and anguish are part of the healing . . . let them go by wharever means are necessary . . . writing poetry is a beautiful way of release . . .

Don

Thank you Don. It is helping a lot. Once I get it on screen I can look at it closer. Still hurts but I can handle it.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Nice and Easy Does It . . .

Thank you Don. It is helping a lot. Once I get it on screen I can look at it closer. Still hurts but I can handle it.

Kiki . . . of course it still hurts . . . but when it is released and out there, in front of you . . . then it is gone from your thoughts and YOU can start building the world for YOU that YOU want . . . healing takes time . . .

 

[kikmosa]

Hiding

Voices scream at each other
Accusations fly
People letting anger rule

I huddle in a little hole
As the voice of anger
Rushes memory after memory through me

The sound of contempt
The smell of fear
The lashing back in pain

All of these draw me further
Into a nightmare that
I try so desperately to escape

I feel my mind die
Bit by bit as words of hate
Pour around me.

I cry out to the voices
Begging for peace
Clinging to a last shred of sanity

Why does this have to be?
Can’t we live in peace?
But the hate goes on.

I can no longer take this
I know I gave my word
But my strength has fled

My sanctuary has been
Destroyed by the hate
And I fear this time it’s won.

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hiding

Voices scream at each other
Accusations fly
People letting anger rule

I huddle in a little hole
As the voice of anger
Rushes memory after memory through me

The sound of contempt
The smell of fear
The lashing back in pain

All of these draw me further
Into a nightmare that
I try so desperately to escape

I feel my mind die
Bit by bit as words of hate
Pour around me.

I cry out to the voices
Begging for peace
Clinging to a last shred of sanity

Why does this have to be?
Can’t we live in peace?
But the hate goes on.

I can no longer take this
I know I gave my word
But my strength has fled

My sanctuary has been
Destroyed by the hate
And I fear this time it’s won.

Hi Kiki, . . . tis is a scary poem for me . . . brings back too many hurtful memories of childhood . . . didn't enjoy it much then, try to avoid it now . . . but I make a choice, I choose NOT to let the bastards get me down . . . I choose to be happy . . . I choose to make plans for my future . . . and I get through the black times, day at a time, hour at a time, minute at a time, even second at a time if I have to . . . knowing that this too will pass . . .

 

[kikmosa]

Death

Death no longer
Frightens me
I long for it's
Cold touch
I ache for
The numbness
Of not being
No more pain
No sorrows
No more seeing
Him walk away
With her
Just darkness
Endless and
Everlasting
I call on Death
Come, take me
Into your cold
Embrace
Carry me to
The dark
End this useless
Existance
Free me from care
Still this heart
That feels such pain
Let me know
No more
Take me
I'm yours
Forever in
Eternaty

 

[kikmosa]

Again

Again I hear the words
I've met someone new
She's so cute and lively
Again my heart is torn
I want him to be happy
And yet I want him for me
But that will never happen
I'm not what he needs
Not what he's looking for
I'm but the one he pities
The injured soul he found
He would never turn to me
And why should he
I am beneath him
He is young and strong
I am old and weak
His is a beautiful soul
Mine is a thing of death
He has a life ahead
I face nothing at all
And so I stand aside
While he travels away
Following a path I can't
And when he fades
In the distant future
I will fade from view

 

[kikmosa]

When will I ever learn
Everytime I believe
And everytime it's a lie
I listen to the smooth talk
And allow my hopes to rule
I should know by now
That they never speak the truth
But yet I sit here again
With an ache inside
Once more I allowed
Myself to be fooled
Once again I was crushed
No more, this must end
I can not survive like this
I must not listen to the lies
I must close my heart
And allow my hopes to die
I will accept that this is it
This is all that will be for me
A life alone, barren, empty

 

[Don K Dyck]

Hi Kiki

When will I ever learn
Everytime I believe
And everytime it's a lie
I listen to the smooth talk
And allow my hopes to rule
I should know by now
That they never speak the truth
But yet I sit here again
With an ache inside
Once more I allowed
Myself to be fooled
Once again I was crushed
No more, this must end
I can not survive like this
I must not listen to the lies
I must close my heart
And allow my hopes to die
I will accept that this is it
This is all that will be for me
A life alone, barren, empty

Hi Kinda Kinki Kiki . . . interesting, if somewhat mournful offerings . . . the thing that I found was the light is just around the corner . . . except nobody tells you where the corner is, you have to find it for yourself . . . the feelings are usual for this stage of recovery, but don't sut down, that is self defeating . . . rather, smile a lot, keep using that wicked sense of humour and then . . . there it is frequently when you least expect it . . .

 

[kikmosa]

.

 

[kikmosa]

Hidden Emotions

Don't show, don't say
Don't let them know
Keep it light and happy
Don't let the pain show

They watch for signs
That I'm losing control
So they can take over
And own my soul

I can't let them know
How much pain I'm in
For that is when
The torture begins

They try to beat down
My walls every day
I can't let them in
Wish they'd go away

Just one glimpse of
The way I really feel
They'd lock me away
They'd say to heal

But my freedom is mine
And that's how it will stay
So I hide my emotions
Til at last they go away

 

[kikmosa]

Control

The cool feel
Of the biting metal
Lures me
Entices me
It promises relief
From pain
A false promise
Pain it brings
But only for
A moment
Still it calls
To me
It's siren tones
Of shivering heat
The feel of skin
Parting
Before it's edge
A false
Feeling of control
For I do not
Control this
It controls me
The only choice
I make is
How deep
Where
How many
For the call of
Pain controls me
And not me it
For I am weak
And know
That once again
I will give in
To the call
Of steel

 

[DreamOfSun]

((( Kiki ))) I am so sorry you are hurting honey... I wish I knew how to help you.

 

[kikmosa]

((( Kiki ))) I am so sorry you are hurting honey... I wish I knew how to help you.

Thank you DoS, but I truly feel that for me there is no help. That I'm beyond being helped. All that's left for me is to simply accept and let go now. I'm just waiting for Gil to return to ask him to release me from my bond.

 

[DreamOfSun]

Thank you DoS, but I truly feel that for me there is no help. That I'm beyond being helped. All that's left for me is to simply accept and let go now. I'm just waiting for Gil to return to ask him to release me from my bond.

I, for one, refuse to believe that there is no light at the end of any tunnel. I pray that somehow you will find that light, the hope and confidence that there is more out there beyond what you can even imagine right now. You are such a strong woman.

If you ever want to to talk, please let me know.

 

[kikmosa]

I, for one, refuse to believe that there is no light at the end of any tunnel. I pray that somehow you will find that light, the hope and confidence that there is more out there beyond what you can even imagine right now. You are such a strong woman.

If you ever want to to talk, please let me know.

I'm not as strong as everyone thinks. I've simply gotton good at hiding behind a wall. If that wall ever came down, people would see me for what i am. A very weak and stupid woman with no will of her own anymore. I simply allow to show what others want to see so no one will look closer. I've buried the real me for so long that she died. All that's left is a shell. Time to let the shell go now. But I've never broken my word to someone and I won't start now. Until Gil releases me, I'm forced to stay.

 

[kikmosa]

Life drags on
Day by day
Endless, stifling
The sun comes up
The sun goes down
Nothing ever
Changes ever
Memories still
Haunt my dreams
Pain still
Fills my life
Loneliness
Still consumes
My soul
I look back
And all is
The same
I look forward
And all is
The same
I look around
The same again
So I stop
Looking anymore
I turn inward
God, it's the same
Emptiness, desolation
Dust fills my soul
Let it end
No more
But I'm tied
To this
Endless path
Bound to it
By a promise
And so I
Go on and on
Day by day
Ploding along
The path of life

 

[Don K Dyck]

Do Something to Help Yourself . . .

Thank you DoS, but I truly feel that for me there is no help. That I'm beyond being helped. All that's left for me is to simply accept and let go now. I'm just waiting for Gil to return to ask him to release me from my bond.

Hi Kiki, It is frequently said that the night is darkest before the dawn . . . You have a lot to do in your life so now is the time to get out and do it. On may occasions I found that a change of diet plus an exercise regime helped turn the tide . . . had to give up caffeine, as tea or coffee or soft drinks, and white bread and whiote flour 'cos I was allergic to both . . . best thing about this method was that I stoppped poisoning myself and so stopped feeling like the insde of a city sewer-line . . . and increase vitamin B complex intake by eating parsley, sunflower seeds and ox liver, all being high in various B-group vitamins . . . which lifted my satisfaction with life . . .

The exercise is important because it stimulates the natural feel good hormones in your body. If you have been sedentary, then start slowly with a gentle 30 minute walk or exercise session every day. Then after about a fortnight, start to gradually increase your exercise to a single hour session or better still, two 30 minute sessions, morning and night. Helps you sleep as well.

Get your mind outside your head by taking an interest in some activity or group or activity which is different to what you have always done. There are many voluntary organisations that could do with a helping hand . . . can you give one?

Another useful skill was the five minute practice laugh . . . just start laughing and practice as many different types and styles of laugh as you can invent . . .

 

[kikmosa]

Why?


Why does love have to hurt?
A deep searing pain that
Destroys your soul and mind
The agony of wanting someone
Knowing that they will never
Want you in the same way

A heart ripped into shreds
Yet each piece still crying out
For that which it can’t have
An endless ache that colors
Your every day in grayness
With no hope for sunlight

Your arms ache to hold it close
To enfold it and make it part of
Everything you are and will be
Yet remaining empty and unfulfilled
Your eyes blinded to all else
But the one they cry out to see

The pain eats at me everyday
Never stopping for a moment
Consuming my soul in agony
No hope for the future left
Nothing to hold me here
Enduring the pain til the end

 

[kikmosa]

Pit of Darkness

I sit here in my lonely room, wondering
if life is worth living. All I see around me
is pain and darkness. I’m so tired of being
alone all the time. My voice cries out into
the darkness. Only echoes return. No one
hears me crying here. No one sees the tears
streaming down my face. The darkness
consumes my mind until it’s the whole world
to me. I’m trapped in the waste land of my life.
I want free. I don’t know if I can endure this
pain for much longer. I feel myself falling
deeper and deeper into the pit. Soon I will
be so far down that there will be no escape
for me. Never will I see the light and feel
the warmth of sunlight. Naught but dark
and cold forever more.

 

[kikmosa]

The Taint of Darkness

Darkness gathers in the heated pit of my mind
Endlessly churning, stirring into my memories
Seething and bubbling with vileness and hate
It's stench permeating my very heart and soul
Consuming every spec of all that was good
Until nothing is left but this eternal foul darkness
Seeping into every corner of what is left of my life
Coloring my world with a sick, evil presence
Pulsing and beating in twisted, mocking rhythm
Its sickly aspect taints everything it contacts
Soon it will be all that remains of what once was
Leaving no choice but it excise it the only way possible