Why do you choose to be a sub?

[BiBunny]

I dunno if it’s a choice for me. I’m male and just I think it’s who I am. I like to please and bring pleasure to my wife. I think I’ve always been that way, sexually, I’d rather give orgasms and pleasure to my partner than receive.

We’ve been switching it up, and I like to also try my hand at being dominant, but it doesn’t feel as natural to me. I can do it, and certain aspects of it I really enjoy, but deep in my heart, I am submissive. I dunno if it’s a choice for me.

This is basically me, except I'm female.

It makes me happy to make other people happy, in and out of D/s relationships. *Shrug*

 

[KatieDoes]

I don‘t think I chose it, really. But I do know that I stifled it and denied it and avoided it for a very long time. It took finding the right Dom, and growing to be able to trust him with it, and to trust that he was worth submitting to.


So I don’t know if it’s a choice, for me, as much as it’s that I’m absolutely not going to submit to some random dumbass. So I denied my submissive tendencies, rather than show them to someone not worthy of them.

I definitely like to take care of people, to do nice things for people, to serve and please. But until Him, there was always a wall, a level a guardedness between me and whoever I was doing things for. Always that barrier where I was cautious to avoid being taken advantage of or my giving nature exploited.

It’s an intoxicating (and sometimes scary) thing be able to drop that barrier and just trust.

 

[2tallpaul]

At the risk of upsetting yet another person, that is one experience. Maybe there should be a different word for someone who likes being submissive because it is a break from their general character. Alt-sub, or fake-sub maybe.

Em

I liked as a break until it hit me full time. I'm a 100% bottom and love it.

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

Its a part of me I'm still exploring. I think maybe I need an experienced dom guy to help me join the dots.
Submissive is becoming my default position, I guess it always has been. Like EmilyMillerSub, I like to be assertive and in control in the rest of my life and giving control over to another is a bit scary and makes me feel vulnerable.

Feeling like a posession is exciting. Being treated like one is humiliating, something else I need to explore more fully. I've found it exciting being shared because I feel like a posession to be loaned or gifted.

 

[Goldenfinger]

It cause I’m broken.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

There is.
It’s called bottoming.
Works fine for describing someone who wants to be the one done onto or submit in a specific scenario or situation.
There is the corresponding word ”top” for those who like to do unto others at times or hold the reins in a specific situation.
There is a sticky at the top about this.

ETA:
http://forum.literotica.com/threads/whats-in-a-label-stellas-essay-now-a-sticky.1360492/

I'd quibble with that definition. Someone choosing to bottom because they like the sensations isn't temporarily submissive, any more than someone wielding a whip because they like making pretty patterns on someone is necessarily dominant. Sometimes tops and bottoms really are just that.

I sometimes choose to submit to someone, though it's more common that a top doesn't ask for it. People who are always dom or sub are a lot rarer than fiction would lead you to believe, at least among people who have actual BDSM experience, not just fantasy.

 

[EmilyMiller]

People who are always dom or sub are a lot rarer than fiction would lead you to believe, at least among people who have actual BDSM experience, not just fantasy.

What they said…

 

[RachelWalsh]

dont be ashamed of enjoying being submissive. enjoy it,it makes you who you are

I just would not know how else to be, believably. Lol

 

[IrisAlthea]

I'd quibble with that definition. Someone choosing to bottom because they like the sensations isn't temporarily submissive, any more than someone wielding a whip because they like making pretty patterns on someone is necessarily dominant. Sometimes tops and bottoms really are just that.

I sometimes choose to submit to someone, though it's more common that a top doesn't ask for it. People who are always dom or sub are a lot rarer than fiction would lead you to believe, at least among people who have actual BDSM experience, not just fantasy.

Yes, bottoming can be entirely unsubmissive but it can still be used as in
”bottoming for a scene”/casual situation, where you submit within very pre-arranged parameters, I think.
For me to talk about ”submission”, it would have to be a bit more, like a recurring supporting role in the soap, so to speak.
Anyway, I’d totally prefer bottoming over fake-sub as was (jokingly) suggested and wanted to point out that there are alternatives.

Personally, it takes a lot for me to make those labeling statments like ”I am a something or other” though, so I see why your mileage might vary.

I still think it is important to be aware that the labels don’t always make for better communication as the definitely are defined differently depending on the circles you move in and by different people.

 

[PaxNurgle]

That is actually a good answer. It is a powerful feeling to be wanted, and to give up control to someone to whom you are attracted and who is genuinely attracted to you. And to feel their arousal by your own submission to them. That chemistry is so hard to find, though.

 

[roxanne1971]

I’m enjoying this thread. My initial gut response was that I don’t choose. I see some nuances now about who and how I submit.

 

[April602]

I have always been shy and timid so it comes naturally for me.

 

[traill]

It feels natural to me. When I choose to submit to someone in a D/s context, I feel like I can fully be myself. It's feeling free and being able to roam how I want to roam. Whether it's sweet or sadistic, it makes me feel RIGHT. Nothing comes close to it really. The euphoria and pure joy I feel afterwards is second to none. In my day to day life, I'm not submissive at all either but D/s is the one place where I feel truly free. The vulnerability that comes from submitting is just beautiful.

 

[Wonderer67]

The vulnerability that comes from submitting is just beautiful.

Right there.

The vulnerability and high level of trust in a dom/sub relationship is what makes it so goddam intense. Sometimes I describe our sessions (which can be very painful and/or intense) as the most beautiful and loving I’ve ever experienced or felt.

I am a submissive male and this is exactly why I have given control over to my wife, Miss Conduct.

 

[BrendaBear]

… my wife, Miss Conduct.

That’s beautiful!

 

[Wonderer67]

Many thanks!

 

[fma20fma]

sub needs to lie back and enjoy while the dom does all the work to please, both.

 

[IrisAlthea]

This thread makes my head hurt.

 

[cookiecat]

I have quite a responsible job for someone my age and mostly guys working for me. I also work in a industry that is still quite male dominated (not in that sense). It makes a change to be able to let someone else decide what happens to me. To stop being a control freak for a bit.

Em

Hey Em. Do you think that the folks here who said they are submissive because it's just who they are, are somehow NOT in charge in other areas of their lives? I think that's where I'm getting confused by your question and then your subsequent posts.

A lot of us who are wired to enjoy being submissive or submitting are not super passive in all areas of our lives. That's a bit of a cliche.

I think there are lots of people who are submissive in the bedroom only and pretty much vanilla / extroverted / even dominant in their every day lives. Just as there are many of us who have submission (or dominance or switchiness) wired in to who we are.

I'm 61. I discovered D/s and bdsm around 40. I was kind of a ball-buster / bitch prior to "discovering" my submissive side. I was loud, judgemental, maybe even a little narcissistic?? It took me a few years to figure out the difference between top and bottom. Dom / sub and even Master / slave. Did I want this just in the bedroom? It felt bigger than that -- like I was finding a part of me that was missing.

Once the idea of service got wrapped up in to submission, of putting people's happiness before mine, of feeling useful, being more thoughtful, a better listener -- the more quiet aspects of submission - it helped me be a better me. Maybe that sounds corny. I worked (and still work) hard at integrating these things in to my daily life. Sure, I can switch it on and off at times. I'm not all "yes sir" when I'm at the grocery store with my boyfriend/Dominant. I have to be large and in charge at times. I'm a fairly confident, at times loud chick. None of this negates this submissive or service-oriented side I've touched base with over the last 20 years.

In the bedroom, 100% feeling submissive lets me be the dirty girl HE lets me be. Seela mentioned this - the idea of feeling free for a time. Giving up control during sex is amazing. Especially when it's something that pushes my limits.

Anyways. To answer your question, is it like this for other people? There are as many different answers as there are people here. Have fun discovering what you enjoy!

 

[IrisAlthea]

Anyways. To answer your question, is it like this for other people? There are as many different answers as there are people here. Have fun discovering what you enjoy!

Thank you! Your post made my head hurt less.

 

[twister947]

This thread makes my head hurt.

Indeed.

 

[ouchfeelsgood]

I’m a feminist in the streets but a submissive in the sheets – and I don’t think there’s any inherent contradiction there. I like to be manhandled, mastered and restrained – but only with someone I trust. Pleasing & giving is just my nature.
Why is being ordered around in bed so damn hot to me?
In my daily life I'm about as far from submissive as it gets. But when I am told to perform any host of commands in bed, I am instantly turned on & aim to please 110% & be told how good I’m doing.

While it seems like a contradiction, it's actually not uncommon at all -- so many instances of women (and men) who are inherently dominant in their work and/or social lives, but feel the need to relinquish that role in bed or in a BDSM-type relationship. Maybe it's a form of stress-relief to not be in Dominant mode 24/7.

Aside from the manhandling and restraint, do you like various forms of punishment, whether its pain, orgasm-denial, or something in-between?

 

[ouchfeelsgood]

I think it’s rather funny how argumentative people are about being submissive. Pythonesque almost.

OK - I’ll put my attentions elsewhere.

Em

Monty Python would have had a field day with BDSM skits (they probably did)!

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I've been on both sides, being dominant, and being submissive.
At my last job, I started at minimum wage working graveyard to get my foot in the door.
3 years later I became a home manager for that same company. I loved being in that position.

In my 25 years with my late husband.. though it was semi vanilla, I felt like I was the more dominant.. he got a thrill when I initiated sex. I wish he would've been more dominating, but he wasn't.
After he passed.. I tried resuming the dominant position online as a Mistress... it felt right..
Then I met my DD.
Something about him makes me feel safe to let go of the need to control..
It's a dynamic that's been working a while now..

Being submissive is a relief, if you have the right connection with someone..
It takes trust to be submissive to another fully..

 

[Hardon4u21]

I have been talking to my college friend and fuck-buddy who came to visit to cheer me up. She has some dom tendencies, whereas I lean the other way.

For me, I think part of being submissive in a sexual context is because I am the opposite IRL. I’m probably the person who wants to be in charge and to have a plan. She is the opposite, IRL she wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but gets off on controlling people sexually.

It it like this with other people?

Em

I mainly fantasize about being the submissive and I am also usually the planner and like to be in charge IRL. HoWeber, sometimes I also fantasize about fucking someone doggy style. I think that’s because IRL what sex I do get is missionary with my wife laying there.