Why do you choose to be a sub?

[RachelWalsh]

I think it’s rather funny how argumentative people are about being submissive. Pythonesque almost.

OK - I’ll put my attentions elsewhere.

Em

Lol. I love the observation

 

[YoungToy]

Less a choice and more "this feels really good". I can't put my finger on the reason, but unfortunately I lean to the submissive side. While its something I wish I could clear myself of, I'm stuck with it so better enjoy it.

 

[BBCDADDY69]

I sometimes choose to be a sub because the person am with knows how to handle me.

 

[LucyLovex]

Just the way i'm wired xx

 

[EStaccato]

I have been talking to my college friend and fuck-buddy who came to visit to cheer me up. She has some dom tendencies, whereas I lean the other way.

For me, I think part of being submissive in a sexual context is because I am the opposite IRL. I’m probably the person who wants to be in charge and to have a plan. She is the opposite, IRL she wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but gets off on controlling people sexually.

It it like this with other people?

Em

This is very much my experience. I'm pretty easing going IRL, but simultaneously intense about my work and very precise. I also have a healthy self-esteem and very little emotional turbulence. Sexually, I'm a mess. I've only just realized I'm not just submissive, I have my strongest orgasms when I'm treated very, very badly. I think this stems from a formative sexual experience when I was 19 (I was pretty late to the sex party, but I still wasn't ready).

I'd like to follow-up and ask if any other submissives think they experienced brutal sex or non-consent 'too early', and if it had a lasting impact on your sexuality... Or if any other sexual experience has set you up to be submissive.

 

[SazzieUK]

I have had several D&S experiences of varying degrees. Some very light, most medium, and on one occasion it went too far. Sexually I enjoyed all of them, again to varying degrees. In the cold light of day I consented to all of them. Whilst I sometimes lost control, that was temporary and part of the sexual excitement I felt. On the one occasion it went too far, I chose not to see the man again. In all those relationships I had a choice and I had overall control of the situation.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

While it seems like a contradiction, it's actually not uncommon at all -- so many instances of women (and men) who are inherently dominant in their work and/or social lives, but feel the need to relinquish that role in bed or in a BDSM-type relationship. Maybe it's a form of stress-relief to not be in Dominant mode 24/7.

Aside from the manhandling and restraint, do you like various forms of punishment, whether its pain, orgasm-denial, or something in-between?

When I first became aware of power exchange dynamics, I began trying to guess whether random people I interacted with were into D/s, and if so, if they were sexually dominant or submissive.

It was a fun but futile exercise; unless you’re in their heads, in their beds or they’re wearing a snarky D/s t-shirt, there’s no way to really be sure. Some people’s kinks are sexual amplifications of their public personalities and roles. Others’ are a vacation from those same roles and personas.

 

[RachelWalsh]

Ummmm...because daddy said so. Mmmmmmm

 

[The_Id]

I have been talking to my college friend and fuck-buddy who came to visit to cheer me up. She has some dom tendencies, whereas I lean the other way.

For me, I think part of being submissive in a sexual context is because I am the opposite IRL. I’m probably the person who wants to be in charge and to have a plan. She is the opposite, IRL she wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but gets off on controlling people sexually.

It it like this with other people?

Em

Happy weekend Em,

This is a great post to get the psychology juices flowing, since there are certainly a ton of factors influencing whether I personally act Dominant or submissive in a given moment. Like another writer mentioned in the thread, there are likely very few people who are anywhere near 100% Dom or sub throughout their interactions. The internet has allowed us to "evolve" our sexual appetites waaay quicker than we are probably "supposed to," so I would hope most of us are still exploring both sides of this realm.

I'm going to keep this answer to the online realm so I can focus my thoughts a little (in-person experience can actually be quite different for me, though there is some overlap). I frequent adult chat rooms when I have downtime and am looking to play with others sexually. For me, an initial instinct seems to kick in before I make any conscious choice, and the direction I proceed in depends on 2 main things: my current inclination (did I log in feeling more Dom or sub? [sometimes neither]), and who is posting in the main chat room. If I log in feeling Dominant, and there is a sissy or feminine individual looking to be instructed, then the answer is simple --- I Dominate. If I log in feeling submissive, and there's an Alpha chatmate looking to order someone around on mic or cam, then, again, no thinking is involved --- I submit. If my inclination in the moment is at odds with the group of playmates available in the main chat, I usually get a bit frustrated at first, but often end up "settling" for what the room is looking for....and I usually do just fine enjoying myself. So I definitely have the ability to participate and enjoy from both ends...my general desire to play sexually with another seems to outweigh any momentary preferences, at least in my online play. I find this to be true for the majority of others online, too, especially those who are willing to contribute more than a one-word answer in the chat.

One more factor that may seem cliche to some of the readers, but deserves mention, is that the submissive in a power-play dynamic has significantly more "control" than many of us think at first glance. The sub basically just has the assignment of remaining in character as the slave, or underling, or follower of orders. But the sub can be anywhere from obedient to naughty, and really has very little "responsibility" except tending attentively to their playmate. The Dom/Domme is often the one who sets the initial tone of the session, providing structure/direction and keeping the other in-line (at least at face-value). So I must admit that I am more prone to gravitate to the submissive end of the spectrum when I am feeling a bit more selfish or am focused on tending to my own pleasure. Let me clarify that I do not see selfish as bad...it's a part of being human, and allows a different type of focus, which can be quite fun if both players are on the same page. I also acknowledge that there are many cerebral, multi-faceted subs who attend undyingly to their Owner/Alpha/Dom(me)...I am only explaining in general my typical experiences in the land of power play. Others will likely have very different experiences and interpretations, which is why this is such a lively thread.

Anyways, I'm scared of how long this post will get if I keep writing on the thoughts in my head, so I will wrap up here. I can absolutely find truth in your idea about balancing out your work life with your more private playtime..***** has a way of evening us out, and those in supervisory/managerial roles often benefit from letting their hair down in their sexual world. Thanks again for waking my brain up on a Saturday morning. I hope you continue exploring your question both online and in real-time.

 

[richgo50]

For me I love to be submissive when crossdressing. Unfortunately wife is very vanilla and I have to tell her what to do all the time. It just is not comfortable for her to be on charge.I have never gone outside the marriage to satisfy my sub desires. She has told me to do so if I want to. She would be comfortable if I went with another crossdresser but not another women. I would feel like I was cheating if I went with another woman. Being 72 years old I don't think that will happen. Put a rash and collar on me and I am yours. During my working career I was usually in charge or just left alone with very little instruction needed.

 

[SarahsaurusRex]

I just like someone being in control of me, making me do things that I wouldn't normally do.

 

[ChestyLaRoux]

I admittedly need to have control over my enviornment 99% of the time. Being submissive in the bedroom is a release. I don't have to think. I don't have to decide on anything because I trust him to know what's right/pleasurable/safe/whatever.

 

[Subsy]

Hmm…The question of choosing a preference between sub and dom …..uh….fine but if I may add a more nuanced answer. My gender was thought to be :male, but not so in practice. I had a distinct awareness of being a girly girl. Parents, Drs, teachers, shrinks all knew how wrong I was.
I stole, borrowed without asking and also paid for girl clothes. My parents were more than just perplexed, they were very embarrassed.
I had to leave. My backpack had nothing but girl clothes and a tooth brush. Survival on my own was abetted by my femininity. Exploiting pervs and being exploited by them meant danger and freedom. I had a rule which was: I would never behave as a boy, not ever. But doing girl behavior was fine. I could do submissive because I felt like a girl.
Eventually I found exploiting pervy men was more profitable. I acted out as a fem dom For gratification. Being submissive was akin to being a girl. Being domme was just more profitable.

 

[newhere2learn]

I have quite a responsible job for someone my age and mostly guys working for me. I also work in a industry that is still quite male dominated (not in that sense). It makes a change to be able to let someone else decide what happens to me. To stop being a control freak for a bit.

Em

Same here. Had managerial/high pressure engineering jobs for years. For me, submission is an escape, brain off, utter relaxation, do as instructed

 

[Liatheslut]

Bitch, what's your problem? If you don't want to hear what people have to say, don't ask questions.

Woah! Who peed in your cereal?!

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

I have been talking to my college friend and fuck-buddy who came to visit to cheer me up. She has some dom tendencies, whereas I lean the other way.

For me, I think part of being submissive in a sexual context is because I am the opposite IRL. I’m probably the person who wants to be in charge and to have a plan. She is the opposite, IRL she wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but gets off on controlling people sexually.

It it like this with other people?

Em

I do not think it is a choice. We are just born that way.

 

[Kimlikes]

I didn’t choose to be submissive but I do enjoy it mostly because I don’t feel guilty if I’m instructed

 

[petes478]

I have always been shy and timid so it comes naturally for me.

My shy timid girl

 

[April602]

Not only shy and timid but I was brainwashed um I mean raised religious and it was always drilled into me to obey my elders. So submission came easy, natural,…

 

[AsianFusion]

I don't think I chose it. It chose me.

 

[seekingAlpha]

Choice, no choice? Who cares. The sex is better.

In my experiences dealing with submissives, submission is less of a choice and more of an awakening. In my opinion, once you have that awakening, you will always be submissive whether or not you choose to embrace it or act on it. I definitely concur with you that the sex is better.

 

[varv]

this is a strange question for me. But, this is my personal opinion. I'm a woman. How could it be otherwise?

 

[slavemelanie]

I think the choice is to accept it or suppress it (if it's indeed your natural personality). I have found the only path to true happiness is to embrace your true self.

 

[sterculius]

All sexuality boils down to an interaction between the fucker and the fuckee and at some point we each decide which role we prefer. Heads or tails. Up or down. In or out. Yin or yang

 

[subbywannabe]

For me being submissive has only been a fantasy. I have been the alpha male since I turned 18 years old that was in 1969. I got married in 1990 and in 93 I told my wife about my submissive fantasy. She told me I was sick and perverted until all of our friends that her sick perverted husband ask her to pee in his mouth. I could never get her to understand that it was a game and not a lifestyle. But that was the end of that marriage. I have mentioned it to a couple other women over the years but always with negative results unless I was willing to pay them. Now I am 71 years old and in a wheelchair from an accident two years ago my lower left leg was amputated and my submissive fantasies are still just fantasies. Telling most black women about D/s games just never worked for me I just wanted to vent and let somebody else know this and what a better place than Literotica